Sarai felt entirely untethered as her husband removed his arm from her back. She could step over to Mason, and he’d support her. But she wanted to stand beside Reed.
“You lied to me,” Reed repeated. Clearly, he was trying to work out the problem in his head and not coming to a solution. “Why would you do that?”
Reed looked to Mason.
“Is there something between you two?” he asked.
“No,” Mason and Sarai both said at the same time.
“I don’t play for your team, soldier,” said Mason.
Reed looked back to Sarai. “You didn’t want to meet me? Is it because …” He held up his arm.
“No,” she insisted. Why did he always bring things back to his disability? “It’s not you, it’s me. I didn’t want you to see me like this.”
Confusion still clouded Reed’s face.
“Look at me,” said Sarai. “Really look at me.”
Mason sighed. Sarai ignored him. Her best friend never understood what it was like to be a female model. The pressure was ten times worse for the girls than the boys.
Reed just stared at her, still not seeing the truth that was clear to see in front of him.
“This isn’t the real me,” said Sarai. “I’m not who you believe I am under all these layers of clothes and makeup.” Her makeup was melting off under the glare of the sun. The double Spanx was squeezing the life out of her.
“Who are you?” Reed asked.
Who was she? That was a good question. She could see that the answer was coming clearer to her husband with every second the sun glared down on her back.
What she saw reflected back in Reed’s gaze was something she recognized. She saw her flabby, pathetic self in his eyes. Reed’s gaze was darkening, shutting her out. His rejection was imminent. He was finally seeing her as she truly was.
What had she been thinking?
She knew what she’d been thinking. She’d believed the app. She’d believed the logic. She’d thought that she and Reed were compatible on a deeper level, a level past the physical. She’d been so starved for affection, and now she would be denied any of it from the one person she wanted it from.
Sarai’s head was so full but so light at the same time. There was almost no more fight in her. Almost. With her last bit of energy, Sarai reached out to her husband.
Reed pulled his prosthetic arm away from her.
It was too late for her to pull back. She found herself falling forward into the empty space he’d left.
The world was going dark. She thought she heard Reed call out her name. But the last thing she remembered was hitting the ground hard. Then all was black.
Chapter Twenty-One
Reed’s world was spinning. The sun glared down on his back as he stared at this woman, his wife, as she stood before him with her lies exposed.
He’d given his heart to Sarai. He’d opened up and let her in. Not just into his mind and heart, he’d let her into his arms. And she’d lied to him.
He couldn’t understand it. She’d been here the whole time in Montana?
What did she mean this wasn’t the real her?
What layers?
He’d spent weeks peeling back her layers, getting to know the woman she was. He knew who she was.
Didn’t he?
They were a 98% match. The math was on his side. But it didn’t calculate the lies and omissions.
But here stood this best friend whom he didn’t know much about. There was also the eating disorder she’d only just mentioned. And she’d been here the whole time?
“Who are you?” Reed asked.
Sarai sighed, but this sigh was filled with defeat. She reached for him. But he pulled away from her.
He’d offered her his arm. He’d laid his wounds bare. And she had lied to him. This wasn’t the girl he fell for. Who was she?
Sarai kept coming forward. But she no longer had her feet under her. Her gaze was unfocused. Instead of the green of her eyes, he saw only the whites.
Her eyes had rolled back in her head. Her body had gone stiff. She was fainting. She was falling.
Reed sprang into action. But it was too late. He reached out to her, but she slipped down his stump and through his hand. His fingers caught the edge of her shirt, but it wasn’t enough of a hold, and she hit the ground.
Reed dropped to his knees beside her. He checked her pulse. It was there but shaky. He checked her breathing. She was still getting air. But she was unresponsive.
“We have to get her to Dr. Patel.”
Reed put his hand under his wife. He gathered her back to him, but without a second hand, he couldn’t lift her.
He looked to her friend Mason who stood paralyzed in shock. For all his muscles and build he didn’t look like he could actually lift a woman.
Reed called out to Sean and Xavier. Within seconds, the two came running. Xavier lifted his wife effortlessly and carried her to the doctor while Reed trailed beside them uselessly. He’d vowed he’d be there for her. The first moment of crisis and he’d failed her.
Once inside Dr. Patel’s office, they laid Sarai on the therapy couch. Dr. Patel set about examining her. He was patient. There was no sense of urgency. Reed paced the length of the floor, running the carpet ragged.
“When was her last meal?” Dr. Patel asked.
“Breakfast,” said Reed.
“What did she have?”
“Orange juice.”
“And? Is that all? What about dinner?”
Reed told the doctor the food diary he’d cataloged moments before she fainted. Dr. Patel nodded as he listened to the sparse list. Then he looked past Reed as though he’d find more answers over his shoulder. Reed turned to see Sarai’s best friend.
“She’d been doing good, doc,” said Mason. “She hadn’t had a relapse in almost a year. I’ve been out of town for a few weeks. But we talked every couple of days on the phone.”
So had Reed and Sarai. But she hadn’t told him about this issue. What else hadn’t she told him?
“Did she tell you she has an eating disorder?” Dr. Patel asked Reed.
“She just did. Just a few minutes ago. But she’s a healthy weight.”
Reed looked down at his wife’s body. She was curved in all the right places that a woman should be in just the way that would drive a man wild. Her shirt had ridden up over her midriff. Instead of flesh Reed saw black spandex. No, actually there was one blue layer of spandex covered by a black outer layer.
Was that a body shaper? Why would she think to wear something like that? And out in this heat?
Reed had no clue about women’s sizes, but he knew Sarai was nowhere near what could be considered overweight or plus sized. Her waist was slim and he could see that her covered abdomen was concave beneath all the layers she wore.
She’d begun to tell him she had an eating disorder. That it wasn’t the ones he knew about. What was this eating disorder?
“It’s called body dysmorphia,” said Dr. Patel. “She doesn’t see her body the way others do. She sees imperfections where there may be none. She’ll try to control her intake of food or work out excessively to achieve an unrealistic ideal.”
Reed had thought he knew her so well. How had he not known this? How had he not seen the signs?
“I’m going to get some fluids in her and then have a chat,” said Dr. Patel. “Why don’t you give us some space?”
But Reed didn’t want to leave her side. He’d already let her slip through his fingers once. He had to be here when she woke up so that she knew he was still by her side.
“I’ll come and get you when she’s ready,” Dr. Patel assured him.
Reed stepped out the door. But he didn’t leave. He intended to wait until his wife woke up.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Darkness surrounded her. Sarai saw nothing, not even a pinprick of light. But she was conscious and aware.
Her body ached all over, but mainly on the left side. The skin on her shou
lder stung as she shifted and the material of her shirt rubbed against the torn skin. Her jaw ached when she winced from the pain of her shoulder. Her hip throbbed when she tried to curl into the fetal position seeking comfort from the pain.
She’d hit rock bottom again. Literally this time. But the pain didn’t only radiate from her skin and bones. It went deeper. She felt it in her gut. Sarai was desperately hungry.
It went beyond her stomach needing food. Her soul felt starved. Her spirit felt famished. Her heartfelt ravenous. Only one thing would satisfy her.
“Can I see her?”
Reed.
His voice broke through the darkness like a lightsaber coming to life. Her first instinct was to shield herself. To cover up the imperfections that ran rampant all over her body.
Her first thought was to check her makeup. What was she wearing? How did she look?
“I need her to know I’m here.”
Sarai forced her eyes open. She didn’t think she could feel any worse. But coming to and seeing that she was alone in an empty room did the trick.
Reed wasn’t there with her. She was alone. But he was near, she could hear him. He was just beyond the door.
She tried to lift her head but it stung. She tried to move her arms but they felt leaden. She knew she wasn’t trapped, that nothing held her down. But her body refused to do what her mind demanded.
Wasn’t that irony.
Her illness caused her mind to play tricks on what she saw of her body. Her dysmorphia had driven her from her career, from her life, from her friends, from the man she loved. It had made her believe that she’d gained too much, and so she’d endeavored to lose what she could. Now her mind wanted to reach out and claim what she’d lost. But her body, her flesh and blood, was too banged up and bruised to cause any change.
“I didn’t catch her when she fell,” said Reed. “She needs to know I’m here for her.”
The pain in her husband’s voice caused Sarai to whimper in pain. Her fall had left real bruises on her body. A fall that happened because she’d slipped back into old and dangerous habits.
Her illness had only ever caused her harm. Now it was hurting the man she loved. Reed deserved better.
“I just need her to know that I love her.”
Sarai did know that. Despite every ill-conceived perception in her mind, that one truth she believed. Because she believed in Reed. He’d never lied to her. He only told her the truth. He was telling it now.
He deserved the truth from her. He needed to know that they couldn’t be together with the way she was now. She was not well. She needed to be better.
The door opened. For the first time in a long time, Sarai didn’t scramble to cover her body. She didn’t try to shield her unmade face. It was painful, but she was determined to face the truth. Instead of Reed’s face, she saw Dr. Patel.
“You’re awake,” he sounded surprised. “How are you feeling?”
“Awful. Inside and out. I need help.”
“Good. Your husband is outside. Would you like me to get him for you?”
“I don’t want to see him right now. Not like this. Not yet.”
She had one more makeover to do. This one, hopefully, would be her last one.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Reed popped up from a dark dream. Sarai fell through his arms again and again. Every time he closed his eyes to sleep, it happened again. And again. She slipped through his grasp.
He woke up with his heartbeat racing. His mouth was dry. His throat was sore as though he’d cried out in real life.
Reed scratched at the tightness in his chest. He knew he wasn’t going back to sleep again. Adrenaline rushed through him. He had to do something. There was only one thing he wanted to do.
The sun was blinking a few rays of its light over the horizon. Reed rolled out of bed. There was no need for him to dress as he’d never taken off his clothes from yesterday.
Unclean, unshaven, and unkempt he marched over to the medical suite on the ranch. Dr. Patel had insisted that Sarai spend the night there in the small clinic for observation. Patel and his daughter, Ruhi, had taken turns watching over her through the night.
Sarai hadn’t wanted to see Reed when she came to. That had gutted Reed. It was the hardest, most jagged pill to swallow. Dr. Patel had told him to give it a day, to give her the time she needed to work out a few things.
It was a new day. Time was up. She was his wife. They should face all their problems together.
As Reed pulled the door of the suite open, he saw both Patels speaking quietly in the corner. Their backs were to Sarai’s door. Reed crept in with the stealth he’d learned in combat zones. He should’ve known he was no match for Dr. Patel.
The man’s gaze lifted as his daughter flipped through paperwork. Patel glanced at Reed. His face was expressionless. When his daughter handed him the clipboard of papers, Dr. Patel’s gaze went to it.
Reed took that as a green light. He turned the knob of Sarai’s door and slipped in. Belatedly, he thought he should’ve knocked. But he knew there was no way he wasn’t going inside.
He’d endured chats over the computer, calls over the phone, the barrier of a video camera. No more. His relationship with his wife would only ever from this day forward exist in reality.
Inside, Sarai slept peacefully. She was beautiful even in her sleep. Whatever her treatment would be to combat this illness would not involve them being apart.
Reed sat down on the twin mattress. He reached out his hand and brushed a sliver of hair from her face. There was a slight abrasion there, likely from her fall, and she winced.
“Reed?” Her eyes blinked open. She stared at him for a second, her gaze coming into focus, and then she started. “I’m not wearing anything.”
She was fully clothed in pajamas. A sheet covered her midsection. But she didn’t reach for the sheet. She covered her face with her hands. Just as soon as she covered her face, she pulled her hands away.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “It’s really hard for me to be exposed. Dr. Patel diagnosed me with body dysmorphia. It means I don’t see myself …”
“The way that others see you,” he finished for her.
“Yeah.”
“How can I make you believe that I think you’re beautiful?”
Sarai looked into his gaze. There was turmoil in her green eyes. “I don’t know?”
“This is what Patel told me on our wedding day; that we needed to see each other as we are. And not let the other hide. You accept me for who I am?”
He lifted his stump and brushed the side of her face that wasn’t bruised.
“I do,” she said, leaning into his touch. “I do accept you, wounds and all.”
“I accept you for who you are. We’ll need to help each other out with our own perceptions.”
Sarai hesitated but she didn’t pull away from his embrace. “I love you, but I don’t love myself. I don’t think we can be together until I learn to.”
Reed pulled her to him with this right hand, locking her into his embrace. “I’m not letting you go. I’ll close my eyes and not look at you if that’s what you need. But I am not letting you slip through my hands.”
She turned her face into his chest. Reed felt the wetness of tears permeate his shirt.
“Sarai, I want you to look at me so you know the truth. I want you to see the proof.”
She lifted her teary-eyed gaze to him. She didn’t wipe away the tears. She let him see her raw emotion. It was a start.
“I got angry and confused yesterday,” he said.
“Because I lied to you?”
“No. Yes.” He took a breath and began again. “Yes, when I learned that you’d lied, that felt awful. I’d opened myself up to you, only to learn that you’d closed a part of yourself off from me.”
“I won’t lie again, I promise.”
“I believe you. And when I learned more about your illness, after talking with Dr. Patel and Mason, I came to understand w
hy. I spent the night studying it. The first thing I did was to take all the mirrors and the scale out of our home.”
Reed ran his fingers around the abrasion on her cheek. Sarai closed her eyes as he did so. The sigh wasn’t one of resignation. He knew then that she wasn’t giving up on them. She was ready to fight.
“I can wait to share a bed with you. But you can’t keep yourself from me, Sarai. You can’t not talk to me. You are my addiction. I need you in my life. For better or worse, that was the deal. Sickness and health.”
He pressed a kiss to her wounded flesh. Only a light kiss. But he needed his wife to know that he loved her despite any real or imagined flaws she might have.
“Please believe that I love you despite your wounds,” he said.
“I do. I know that one thing is true. It’s everything else I have a hard time trusting.”
Sarai tilted up her head and met Reed’s gaze full on. Her gaze was open, vulnerable. But at the edges of her green eyes, Reed saw certainty.
“I’m going to get treatment,” she said.
Reed winced. “Is it inpatient?”
“Since Dr. Patel is here, I can see him on the ranch.”
Reed sighed in relief. “I can wait for anything so long as I get to hear your voice, see your face, hold you in my arms. I swear, I will never let you fall again.”
“I’m going to work hard to love me too.”
“I believe you’ll do it. Once you see how amazing you are. Just keep looking into my eyes. Trust the reflection you see there.”
Sarai gazed into Reed’s eyes. Her lids narrowed as she focused on the reflection in his gaze. After a moment, a small smile tugged at her lips.
Reed leaned down and captured her lips. He drank in that smile and tasted acceptance. He tasted love. He tasted commitment.
With one final brush of his lips against hers, Reed tasted who Sarai truly was. As he pulled away, he left behind his true essence. When he looked into her eyes he saw reflected who they would become together.
Epilogue
It was another day in paradise. Sean Jeffries held up his hand, shielding his face from the sun. Up in a tree, a male bird sang a song to a female perched on at the edge of a branch. His notes were strong and pure, but Sean noticed a couple places on its wing where it looked like it had been pecked and a few feathers pulled loose.
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