by Anne Warner
CHAPTER IV
SETTLING DOWN AFTER THE HONEYMOON
Miss Clegg and Mrs. Lathrop were sitting on the latter's steps aboutfive o'clock one Sunday afternoon when Elijah Doxey came out of theformer's house and walked away down town.
"I wond--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"I don't believe it," said Miss Clegg; "I know the way you look at it,Mrs. Lathrop, but _I_ don't believe it. All the girls is after him butthat ain't surprisin' for girls are made to be after somethin' at thatage an' there's almost nothin' for them to run down in this community.We're very short of men to marry, Mrs. Lathrop, an' what men we have gotain't tall enough yet to do it, but still, it ain't no reason why Elijahshould be in love just because 'Liza Em'ly and all the other girls isin love with him. To my order o' thinkin' two sets of people have got tolove to make a marriage, an' 'Liza Em'ly ain't but one. An' I don't knowas I want Elijah to be in love, anyhow--not while he lives in my house.It might lead to his eatin' less but it would surely lead to his playin'the flute more, an' that flute is all I can stand now. He won't marry ifI can help it, I know _that_, an' I keep his eagerness down by talkin'to him about Hiram Mullins all I can, an' surely Hiram is enough to keepany man from soarin' into marriage if he can just manage to hop alongsingle an' in peace."
"Have you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, interestedly.
"Well, I should say I had--an' it's fresh on my mind, too. It wasyesterday an' I see 'em both. Lucy come in the mornin' an' Gran'maMullins in the afternoon. I'd like to of had Hiram come in the evenin'an' tell his end, but Hiram don't dare say a word to no man nowadays.As far as my observation's extended a man as lives steady with two womengets very meek as to even men. Hiram's learned as his long suit is tokeep still an' saw wood when he ain't choppin' it."
"What did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, Lucy come up right after market an' she said the reason she comewas because she'd just got to talk or bu'st, an' she was n't anxious tobu'st yet awhile."
"What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Oh, just the usual tale as any one could o' foreseen if they went an'married Hiram Mullins. Any one might of easy knowed as Lucy Dill couldn't no more enjoy Hiram Mullins than a cat could enjoy swimmin' lessons,but she _would_ have him, an' she _had_ to have him, an' now she's gothim--so help her eternity to come."
"Did she--" questioned Mrs. Lathrop.
"No," said Miss Clegg, "she ain't been married quite long enough forthat yet; she's only been married long enough to come out strong an'bitter as to blamin' Gran'ma Mullins. I will say this for Lucy, Mrs.Lathrop, an' that is that a fairer thing than blamin' Gran'ma Mullinsfor Hiram could n't be expected of whoever married Hiram, for it standsto reason as no one as had brains could marry Hiram an' not want tobegin blamin' his mother five minutes after. Gran'ma Mullins never didseem able to look at Hiram with a impartial eye, an' Lucy says as itbeats all kind of eyes the way she looks at him since he's got married.Why, Lucy says it's most made her lose faith in her Bible--the way shefeels about Gran'ma Mullins. She says she's got a feelin' towardsGran'ma Mullins as she never knowed could be in a woman. She says she'scome to where she just cannot see what Ruth ever stuck to Naomi for whenthe husband was dead an' Naomi disposed to leave, too. She says ifanythin' was to happen to Hiram she'd never be fool enough to hang ontoGran'ma Mullins. She sat down an' told me all about their goin' to townlast week. She says she nigh to went mad. They started to go to the cityjust for a day's shoppin' an' she says it was up by the alarm clock atfour an' breakfast at six for fear of missin' the nine-o'clock train an'then if Gran'ma Mullins did n't lose her little black bead bag with herweddin' ring an' the size of Hiram's foot an' eighty-five cents in it,so they could n't get him no bargain socks after all! All they could dowas to buy the safety razor, an' when they got home with that there wasn't no blade in it, an' they had to go way back to town next day. Cometo find out the blade was in the box all the time, done up in thedirections, only Hiram never read the directions, 'cause he said as it'sa well-known fact as you can't cut yourself with a safety razor whateveryou do.
"Well, Lucy says it's for that sort of doin's as she left her happy homean' her razor-stroppin' father, an' she says the billin' an' cooin' ofGran'ma Mullins over Hiram is enough to make a wedded wife sick. Shesays she would n't say it to no one but me, an' I promised her never tobreathe it along any further, but she says she's beginnin' to questionas to how long she's goin' to be able to stand it all. She says will youbelieve that nights Gran'ma Mullins is comin' in softly at all hours totuck up Hiram's feet, an' Lucy's forever thinkin' she's either a rat ora robber or else hittin' at her for Hiram himself. She says as it'sHeaven's own truth as Gran'ma Mullins is warmin' his flannels everySaturday to this day, an' that the tears stand in her very eyes whenLucy won't help him off with his boots."
"I never--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"No, nor no one else. It's all Gran'ma Mullins' foolishness. She begunto be foolish when Hiram begun to know things. I can remember when heused to run everywhere behind her with a little whip, 'cause he liked toplay horse, an' although she used to pretend that she let him 'cause itkept the moths out of her clothes, still every one knowed as it was justher spoilin' of him. Now he's growed up spoiled an' poor Lucy Dill's gotthe consequences to suffer.
"An' Lucy surely is sufferin'! She says she ain't exactly discouraged,but it's swimmin' up Niagara Falls to try an' break either of 'em oftheir bad habits. She says she has to look on at kisses until the verythought of one makes her seasick, an' she says to see Gran'ma Mullinslistenin' to Hiram singin' is enough to make any one blush down to thevery ground.
"I cheered her all I could. I told her as you can't make no sort of apurse out of ears like Hiram's, an' that what can't be cured has alwaysgot to be lived with unless you're a man. She cried some, poor thing,an' said her mother always used to say as Hiram was cut out to make somegirl wish he was dead, but she said she always thought as her motherwas prejudiced. She said Hiram had a sort of way with him before he wasmarried as was so hopeful, an' he used to look at her an' sigh till itjust went all through her how happy they'd be if they could only betogether all they wanted to be together. Well, you c'n believe me ornot, just as you please, Mrs. Lathrop, but she says he ain't sighedonce--not once--since they was married, an' as for bein'happy--well--she says she's about give up hope. She don't want folks toknow, 'cause she says she's got some pride, but she says there's notellin' how soon it'll run out if Gran'ma Mullins keeps on huggin'Hiram, an' tellin' her how perfect he is over his own head."
"I don't--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, I should say not," said Susan; "but Hiram Mullins always was hismother's white goose, an' the whole town is a witness. My idea if I wasLucy would be to shut right down solid on the whole thing. I'd put abolt on my door an' keep Gran'ma Mullins an' her tuckin' tendencies onthe other side, an' if Hiram Mullins did n't come to time I'd bolt himout, too, an' if he was n't nice about it I'd get out of the window an'go home to my father. I guess Mr. Dill would be very glad to have Lucyhome again, for they say 'Liza Em'ly's no great success keepin' housefor him. Some one told me as Mr. Dill was in mortal fear as he waspractically feedin' the minister's whole family every time she wenthome, an' that would be enough to make any man, as had only his own selfto feed, want his own daughter back, I should think.
"There's Mrs. Macy as would be glad to keep house for him if he 'd marryher first, of course, but to my order of thinkin' Mr. Dill don't want tomarry Mrs. Macy near as much as Mrs. Macy wants to marry Mr. Dill. Mrs.Macy says he's pesterin' her to death, an' Mr. Dill says if it'spesterin' to speak when you're spoken to, he must buy a new dictionaryan' learn the new meanin' of the words by heart. Between ourselves, Iguess Mr. Dill is learnin' the lesson of wedded bliss from lookin' atLucy an' rememberin' her mother. Lucy ain't very happy an' you know aswell as I do what Mrs. Dill was. Her husband won't marry again in ahurry, an' he's smart if he don't, for if Lucy ain't home in less 'n ayear I'll make you a tea cake."
"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.<
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"Well, you ain't Lucy Dill," said her friend. "If you was you'd bedifferent. Lucy says this being waked up by havin' a hot flatiron slidin among your feet most any time for no better reason than 'cause hismother thought she heard Hiram sneeze, is a game as can be played oncetoo often. I see her temper was on the rise so I struck in, an' give hera little advice of my own, an' as a result she says she's goin' to takea strong upper hand to 'em both an' there won't be no velvet glove on itneither. She says she can see as it's do or die for her now, an' shedon't mean to be done nor to die neither. She drank some tea as I madestrong on purpose, an' shook her head hard an' went home, an' God helpHiram if he hummed last night; an' as for Gran'ma Mullins, Lucy said ifshe come stealin' in to feel if Hiram was breathin' reg'lar, she wasgoing to get slapped for a mosquito in a way as she'd long remember."
"Dear me--" commented Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, I did n't blame her," said Miss Clegg. "Of course I did n't knowas I was going to hear the other side afore night fell, but hearin' herside stirred me up so that I give her my advice, an' my advice was toput the bootjack under her pillow. There ain't no sense in womensufferin' any more, to my idea of thinkin'. It's a good deal easier togo to bed with a bootjack, an' I look to see Lucy really happy or Hiramsmashed flat soon in consequence."
"But you--" said Mrs. Lathrop, wide-eyed.
"I know, an' that did change my ideas. Of course when I was talkin' toLucy I was n't expectin' to see Gran'ma Mullins so soon, but I won't saybut what I was glad to see Gran'ma Mullins, too. It's a most curiousfeelin', I d'n know as I ever feel a curiouser than to hear both sidesof anythin' from the both sides themselves right one after the other inthe same day. O' course I learned long ago to never take any sidesmyself unless one of 'em was mine; but I will say as I don't believe noone could feel for others more 'n I do when I hear folks shakin' theirheads over what as a general thing a person with brains like mine knowsis their own fault, an' knowed was goin' to be their own fault aforethey ever even began to think of doin' it.
"Now there was Lucy Dill yesterday forenoon mournin' 'cause Hiram isHiram an' his mother is his mother, an' then after dinner there comesGran'ma Mullins with her bonnet strings an' her tears all streamin'together, an' wants my sympathy 'cause Lucy herself is Lucy herself.Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I can't but feel proud o' being able to hold thereins so hard on my own bit that I never up an' told either on 'em theplain truth, which is as they was all fools together to of ever lookedfor the weddin' service to have changed any on 'em."
"What did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"I don't know as I'm prepared to say what I think. To hear Lucy you'dthink _she_ was surely the martyr, but to hear Gran'ma Mullins you wouldn't be sure after all. Gran'ma Mullins says after the honeymoon is overevery one expects to settle down as a matter of course, an' she wouldn't say a word against it only it's Lucy is doin' all the settlin' an'poor Hiram as is doin' all the down. She says it's heartbreakin' to be aonly mother an' watch the way as Hiram is being everlastin'ly downed.She says as we all remember that bright an' happy weddin' day[B] an' howshe downed her own feelin's an' waved rice after 'em just likeeverybody else when they started off weddin'-trippin', each with theirown bag in his own hand. But, oh, she says, the way they come back! Shesays they come back with Hiram carryin' both bags, an' her heart sunkwhen she see 'em for she says when she was married it was _her_ as comehome carryin' both bags an' she says it's one of the saddest straws asever blows a bride out. She says she never expected much of her marriage'cause she was engaged on a April Fool's Day in Leap Year, an' he giveher an imitation opal for a ring, but she says Hiram give Lucy a realgreen emerald with a 18 an' a K inside it an' he looked to be happy evenwith his mother's tears mildewin' his pillow every night that wholesummer. She says no one will ever know how hard she did try to get senseinto Hiram that summer afore it was too late. She says she used to situp in tears an' wait for him to come home from seein' Lucy, an' weep onhis neck with her arms tight round him for two or three hoursafterwards every night, but she says he never used to appreciate it. An'she says what he needed to marry for, anyway, Heaven only knows, withhis whole life laid pleasantly out to suit him, an' a strong an'able-bodied mother ready an' smilin' to hand him whatever he wanted justas quick as he wanted it. An' she says she never asked him to do nothin'as she could possibly do herself an' the way Lucy orders himabout!--well, she says it's beyond all belief. An' oh, but she says itgoes through her like a chained-up bolt of lightnin' the voice Lucyspeaks to him in, an' she said she would n't have no one know it forworlds but she says as near as she can figger she hit him over the headwith a hairbrush night before last."
[B] See "Susan Clegg and her Neighbors' Affairs."
"With a--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, aghast.
"She says she ain't absolutely positive, but they was a-chasin' a Junebug in their room together, an' she heard the smash an' the next mornin'when she went in to make Hiram's side of the bed after Lucy (she saysLucy is a most sing'lar bed-maker) she see the nick on the brush, an'she says when she see the nick an' remembered how hollow it rung, sheknew as it could n't possibly have been nothin' in that room exceptHiram's head. She says if Lucy's begun on Hiram with a hairbrush now,Heaven only knows what she'll be after him with in a year, for Gran'maMullins' own husband went from a cake of soap to a whole cheese in afortnight an' she says it's a well-known fact as when a married man isonce set a-goin' he lands things faster an' faster. She says she thinksabout the andirons there, ready to Lucy's hand, until she's scaredwhite, an' yet she's afraid to take 'em for fear it'd attract her to thewater pitcher."
"Did Mr.--" began Mrs. Lathrop, hurriedly, after several attempts toslide a question-quoit in among Susan's game of words.
"Oh, he did n't throw 'em at her. I could n't understand what he did dowith them an' so I asked, but it seems it was just as awful for hegrated the whole cake o' that soap on her front teeth to teach her notto never refer to the deacon again, an' he dropped the cheese square onher head when he was up on a step-ladder an' she was in a littlecupboard underneath leanin' over for a plate, an' then he tried to makeout as it was an accident. She says it was n't no accident though. Shesays a woman as gets a cheese on the back of her head from a husband asis on a step-ladder over her, ain't to be fooled with no accident story;she says that cheese like to of hurt her for life an' was the greatestof the consolations she had when he died. She says she never will forgetit as long as she's alive an' he's dead, no sir, so help her heaven shewon't; she says when the cemetery committee come to her an' want her tosubscribe for keepin' him trimmed with a lawn mower an' a little flag onDecoration Day, she always thinks of that cheese an' says no, thankyou, they can just mow him regularly right along with the rest.
"But oh, she says it's awful bitter an' cold to see Hiram settin' outalong that stony, bony, thorny road, as she's learned every pin in fromfirst to last. She says if Lucy 'd only be a little patient with him,but no, to bed he must go feelin' as bright as a button, an' in themornin', oh my, but she says it's heartrendin' to hear him wake up, forLucy washes his face so sudden with cold water that he gives one howlbefore he remembers he's married, an' five minutes after she hangs everylast one of the bedclothes square out of the window.
"I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, it was a pretty sad tale first an' last, an'Gran'ma Mullins says Hiram is as meek as a sheep being led to itshalter, but she says she can't feel as meekness pays women much. Shesays she was meek an' Hiram's meek, an' she did n't get no reward butsoap an' that cheese, an' all Hiram's got so far is the hairbrush, an'the water pitcher loomin'.
"I told her my own feelin's was as marriage was n't enough took intoconsideration nowadays, an' that it was too easy at the start, an' toohard at the finish. You know yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, as there ain't amite o' doubt but what if the honeymoon come just afore the funeralthere'd be a deal more sincere mournin' than there is as it is now, an'to _my_ order of thinkin', if the grandchildren come afore the children,folks would raise their families wiser. I told Gran'ma Mulli
ns just thatvery thing but it did n't seem to give her much comfort. She give alittle yell an' said oh, Heaven preserve her from havin' to sit by an'watch Lucy Dill raise Hiram's children, for she was sure as she'd neverbe able to give 'em enough pie on the sly to keep 'em happy an' any onewith half an eye could see they'd be washed an' brushed half to death.She says Lucy won't wash a dish without rinsin' it afterwards or sweepa room without carryin' all the furniture out into the yard; oh my, shesays her ways is most awful an' I expect that, to Gran'ma Mullins, theyare.
"I cheered her all I could. I told her she'd better make the best o'things now, 'cause o' course as Lucy got older Hiram'd make her madderan' madder, an' they'll all soon be lookin' back to this happy firstyear as their one glimpse of paradise. I did n't tell her what Lucy toldme o' course, 'cause she'd go an' tell Hiram, an' Hiram must love Lucyor he'd never stand being hit for a June bug or woke with a wash-cloth.But I did kind of wonder how long it would last. If I was Lucy it wouldn't last long, I know _that_. If I'd ever married a man I don't know howlong he'd of stood it or how long I'd of stood him, but I know onething, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I know that from my heels to my hairpins--an' Isaid it to Elijah last night, an' I'm goin' to say it to you now--an'that is that if I could n't of stood him I would n't of stood him, forthis is the age when women as read the papers don't stand nothin' theydon't want to--an' I would n't neither."
"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, you ain't me," said Miss Clegg, "you ain't me an' you ain'tElijah neither. I talk very kind to Elijah, but there's no livin' in thehouse with any man as supposes livin' in the house with any other womanis goin' to be pleasanter than livin' in the house with the woman ashe's then an' there livin' in the house with. The main thing in life isto keep men down to a low opinion of every woman's cookin' but yours an'keep yourself down to a low opinion of the man. You don't want to marryhim then an' he don't want to live with any one else. An' to my order ofthinkin' that's about the only way that a woman can take any comfortwith a man in the house."