Susan Clegg and a Man in the House

by Anne Warner

  CHAPTER XVII

  AN OLD-FASHIONED FOURTH

  "Well, Elijah seems to have hit the nail on its foot instead of its headthis time," said Miss Clegg to Mrs. Lathrop on the noon of the Sundaybefore the Fourth of July; "that editorial of his in this week's paperain't suitin' any one a _tall_. I was down in the square yesterday an'everybody as was there was talkin' about it, an' to-day after churcheverybody was still talkin' about it, an' gettin' more mad all thetime."

  "What--" began Mrs. Lathrop.

  "The one about the celebration as he printed in this week's paper,"replied her friend; "they was for discussin' nothin' else after churchto-day, an' one an' all is dead set against the way as Elijah says.Them as has bought their fireworks ain't pleased, of course, an' Mr.Kimball says as he considers that Elijah had ought to of consulted himafore he printed such a article in the hind part of a uncle's store thathad just laid in a new supply of two pounds of punk alone. Mr. Kimballsays as he'd planned a window display o' cannon crackers pointin' allways out of a fort built o' his new dried apples an' now here's Elijahcomin' out in Saturday's paper for an old-fashioned Fourth o' Julywithout no firecrackers a _tall_. Mr. Kimball says he thinks Elijahought to remember whose nephew he is an' show some family feelin'; hesays punk is a thing as can never be worked off in no bargain lot ofodds an' ends, an' he says his own Fourth o' July is spoiled now anywayjust by the shock of the worry 'cause he can't be sure how folks isgoin' to be affected until the effect is over, an' the Fourth o' July'llbe over mighty quick this year. 'T ain't like they had most a week tocalm down from Elijah's new idea--they ain't got but just Monday todecide an' buy their fireworks, too.

  "Judge Fitch says he can't quite make out what Elijah meant by callin'for patriotic speeches; he says he's willin' to make a speech any day,but he says no one ever wants to stop poppin' long enough to listen to aspeech on the Fourth o' July. He says too as it's very hard to get astill crowd that day 'cause people are afraid to get absorbed listenin'for fear suthin' may go off under 'em while they ain't keepin' watch.Mr. Dill said that was true, 'cause he had a personal experience thatway in his own dog; he says that dog would of made a fine hunter onlysome one throwed a torpedo at him one Fourth o' July, when he waslookin' under a sidewalk, an' after that that dog almost had a fit if asparrow chirped quick behind him. Mr. Dill said he tried to cure him bystuffin' cotton in his ears an' keepin' a cloth tied neatly around hishead, but then he read in the paper about some deaf German as when heplayed the piano always listened with his teeth, an' he said that justmade him empty the cotton right out of the dog an' give up.

  "Mrs. Macy says what she wants to know is what's Elijah tryin' to get atanyhow. She says she always thought a barbecue was a kind of cake an'she did n't know white folks ever could lift their legs that high, evenif they felt to want to. She says the idea of its bein' suthin' to eatin the woods is surely most new to her an' she ain't sure she wants toeat in the woods anyhow. She says there's always flies an' mosquitoes inthe woods an' she's passed the age o' likin' to drop down anywhere, an'jump up any time, years ago. As for cookin' in the woods she says thatpart of Elijah's editorial is too much for every one. She says she neverhear of roastin' a ox whole in a pit in her life; she says how is the oxto be got into the pit an' what's to cook him while he's in there an'when he's cooked how's he to be got out again to eat? She says shethinks Elijah has got a ox an' a clam mixed in his mind, an' a pit an' apile. She says she knows they cook clams in piles on the seashore,'cause she's heard so from people as has been there, an' besides sheseen a picture of one once.

  "Gran'ma Mullins came up an' she's most awful troubled over the ox, too.She says Hiram is got such a name for bein' strong now that she justknows as they'll expect him to put that ox into the pit when they'reready to cook him, an' then lift him out again when he's done. She saysit's gettin' too terrible about Hiram, every time as somebody fat diesanywhere or there's a piano to move or a barn to get up on jack-screwsthey send right for Hiram to be one o' the pallbearers an' give him theheaviest corner. Why, she says the other day when that refrigerator camefor Polly White they unloaded it right onto Hiram from the train, an'not a soul dreamed as there was shot packed in both sides of it to saverates, until poor Hiram set it down to put it on the other shoulder.She says too, as she can't well see how a ox can be roasted wholeanyway; she says it'll be a awful job gettin' his hair singed off in thefirst place, an' she just knows they'll expect Hiram to hold him an'twirl him while he's singein'. Then, too, she says as the whole of a oxdon't want to be roasted anyhow. The tongue has to be boiled an' theliver has to be sliced an' the calves' brains has to be breaded an'dipped in egg, an' after he's roasted an' Hiram has got him out o' thepit, who's to skin him then, she'd like to know, for you can't tell heras anybody can eat rawhide, even if it is cooked.

  "Deacon White come up, an' he said he an' Polly would bring their ownlunch an' their own pillow an' blanket an' hammock an' look on, 'causePolly wanted to see the fun an' they were n't intendin' to have anyfireworks anyhow. He said he was curious about the ox himself; he saidhe wondered where they'd get the ox, an' the pit, too, for that matter.

  "He said he wanted it distinctly understood as he an' Polly'd bringtheir own lunch an' neither borrow nor lend. He said that rule wouldapply to the pillow an' the blanket an' the hammock, the same as to thelunch. There was some talk after he was gone on how terrible close hean' Polly are both gettin'. Seems kind of funny, to be so savin' whenyou ain't got nobody to save for, but the Whites an' Allens was alwaysfunny an' what's bred in the flesh always sticks the bones outsomewhere, as we all know.

  "The minister come up an' he said as it says in the Bible as when the oxis in the pit every one must join in an' help him out, so he shall dohis part an' bring all his family with him. But he said he must remarkas to his order of thinkin' a ox struck him as a most singular way tocommemorate the day our forefathers fought an' bled over. He says heshould have thought a service o' song an' a much to be desired donationtowards cleanin' out his cistern would have been a more fittin' way tospend the glorious Fourth in, than fixin' a ox in a pit an' tryin' tobake him there. He says he don't think it can be done anyhow, he says aox ain't no chestnut to stick in the ashes till he bounces out cooked o'his own accord.

  "Mrs. Fisher says she sha'n't have nothin' to do with any of it; they'reall goin' to the city, an' Mr. Fisher is goin' to a lecture on thatRussian that his country wants to amalgamate for suthin' he's done; an'she an' John Bunyan is goin' to the Hippodrome. They want to see thegirl turn upside down in the automobile an' Mrs. Fisher says she canhear about the ox when she comes back.

  "Mrs. Brown says they sha'n't go, 'cause young Dr. Brown's afraid o'microbes in the woods. He's goin' to disinfect everythin' with that newsmell he's invented the day before the Fourth, an' then they're goin' tohave huckleberry biscuit an' watermelon an' just spend a quiet daywaitin' for any accidents as may maybe come along. Mrs. Brown saysyoung Dr. Brown is always hopin' for another railroad smash-up like thatone that came while he was away studyin'. She says it always seems toobad it couldn't have come a year later, when he was just back with thathandsome brand new set of doctor's knives an' forks as he got for aprize." Susan paused.

  "Shall you--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

  "No, I sha'n't. I ain't interested in the Fourth o' July. I never hadnothin' to do with it in the beginnin' an' I ain't never had nothin' todo with it since. My own idea's always been as the Boston people wasvery foolish to go throwin' their tea overboard sooner'n buy stamps. Weall buy stamps now an' no one thinks o' fussin' over it, an' I guess wedo a lot other things as we'd never of had to do if we'd kept our teaan' our mouths shut in the beginnin'. They say tea is very cheap inEngland an' very good, too, an' heaven knows nothin' is cheap with us.Elijah says if it wasn't for his uncle he'd take a strong stand on alow tariff, but my goodness, it looks to me like he'd better not meddlewith the tariff--he's set the town by the ears enough with his ox. I hada long talk with him last night about the whole thing. I don't know
, I'msure, how Elijah ever is goin' to get on without me, for I certainly dotalk to him enough to keep him in ideas right straight along. I was verykind last night--but I was firm, too. In the end I broke him downcompletely an' he told me as he never meant it that way a _tall_. Hesays he only drew a picture o' what the Fourth o' July was in oldentimes. But this town ain't good on pictures, we take things right up bythe handle an' deal with 'em a'cordin'."

  "But--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Oh, of course not," said Susan, "but they can take him up by the tailan' horns, can't they?"