With everyone busy prepping for the filming, he walks over slowly, and I wipe my palms on my own slacks. They’re slick with sweat and I can feel my stomach churn from the nerves. What if he rejects me again? At least in the hallway below deck, there hadn’t been anyone to see the rejection and how much it had hurt. It would be public here, in front of over two dozen crew members. I don’t know how I’ll handle it if he does it. I’ll definitely have to excuse myself from the project if he calls me out on it so openly and publicly.
The strange thing is, he looks completely confused as he approaches, and not at all angry and shocked like he did when I kissed him. I can see Jake and Alayah out of the corner of my eye and they’re both watching us, waiting for a sign, whether good or bad. I know they will each step in if necessary, but I want this out with Alex. I need to know where we stand. Either cool, distant, and professional, or completely at odds, awkward, and hostile. Part of me hopes he’ll forgive me and the attraction and lust I feel will be reciprocated in a classic tale of love at first sight. It’s a lot to hope for, but I’ve always been a dreamer.
“Is everything okay, Mr. Andrews?” he asks when he gets close to me.
“Ah, yeah. I was just hoping for a private word is all. Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot, er, well at the club and all…”
“Are you saying you didn’t enjoy that?” he asks softly.
He’s taller than me. Where I am five feet eight inches, he’s pushing six feet and I have to look up to him. “No, not at all. I just mean the shock of the other day and seeing you in the conference room…I didn’t handle that well and I’m sorry. And then on the deck…but I just want to say, that doesn’t excuse being shoved in the hallway. I mean, I know it was a kiss and it was sudden, and I probably shouldn’t have shouted, but to be honest I’d just admitted to Jake that I think I’m gay and…”
“Huh?” he looks so confused that, for a moment, I’m confused. “Mr. Andrews, what are you talking about?”
I frown. “Please, call me David. I think with the intimacy of the other night, we should at least be on a first name basis, don’t you?”
He nods, but still looks deeply perplexed. “Alright, David. While I’m glad we confirmed you enjoyed yourself at the club, I’m still very confused. I appreciate you apologizing for the conference room and deck meeting, but what’s this about you coming out and being shoved in the hallway?”
“Alex, please. Don’t pretend like it didn’t happen. I was so hurt, and you were so kind at the club. I think it was pretty obvious that I’m new to the scene. I was the one to deny that anything had happened, and I apologize for that, but please!” I beg.
I look at the crew who are pretty much ready for us to film now. The drunk actor is in bed and we won’t be able to keep him there much longer. I have a feeling the actor is the kind of man I’m going to find peeing in the foyer’s shrub and be excited that he’s helping to water the plants so thoroughly. The other actor looks like he is going to fall asleep right next to him.
“David, I am so confused. You were shoved in the hallway? Are you alright?” Alex looks genuinely concerned but still just as confused. What is he playing at? Why is he denying what happened? Is this payback for what I did to him? He didn’t seem like the kind of person to be that cruel.
“I guess now was not the right time to talk to you about this,” I whisper, and his frown deepens. My fantasies have been shattered. Reality is so very rarely an accurate representation of how fantasies play out. I turn towards the crew and call out action. The actors surprisingly only need a few takes before they have a rhythm down and play out the scene. I push Alex to the back of my mind, suddenly wanting this session to be over as quickly as possible. The drunk actor manages to ramp up the ardor, despite his inebriated state, which in turn wakes up the other actor, so that by the time filming is done, the two are walking hand in hand out of the performance center to one of their state rooms. I can’t help but wonder why my life can’t be that romantic. Why can’t I walk hand in hand with Alex back to my cabin, where he’ll teach me all of the amazing and wonderful things about coming out and how intimacy can be found with another man?
I ignore Jake when he calls my name from across the room. The crew looks tired as they put away the equipment and everyone heads to bed. Making my way back to my cabin I just feel exhausted and dejected. I tried to do the right thing, but apparently I’m getting a taste of my own medicine, and quite frankly, it hurts worse than anything I’ve ever felt in my entire life.
9
Alex Keys
Walking in and being pulled aside by David is the best thing that could’ve happened. When he starts the conversation, I’m elated to find him admitting that the way he treated me was unacceptable and hurtful. Then the conversation just gets weird.
“David. I am so confused. You were shoved in the hallway? Are you alright?” I ask him. Then he looks just as confused as I am. What’s going on? Did he have some altered perception of what happened at the club? Did he think I shoved him back after kissing him and then gave him a blow job? I’ve heard of producers being off their rockers, but this is all the way out in left field. I sniff lightly and smell brandy. Is he just as sloshed as the actor on set? He’s not making any sense. Then I see the hurt look on his face when I say that, and my confusion deepens. What on earth is he talking about?
Before he answers, though, he completely shuts down, dismisses the conversation and returns to the set. I feel like I’m being left standing here for the third time with my mouth hanging open in complete confusion and rejection.
“What was that all about?” Alayah whispers when I walk up.
I just fold my arms and shake my head. “I have no idea.”
She looks as perplexed as I feel. “You two were talking so intently, none of us dared interrupt. It had to be about something.”
I look around the room and see the averted gazes of the crew. This was exactly what I didn’t want to get into. Drama on the set is never a good additive to a person’s career. “Don’t worry about it, Alayah. Let’s just focus on the shoot. Everyone here is exhausted, so the faster we have success, the better it’ll be for everyone. I want to go to bed.”
I mean it too. With Aaron’s arrival, David’s ping pong routine with his emotions, and my own, I feel like I’ve been through the ringer and need to shut down, alone, in my cabin for a while. Aaron damn well better be gone when I get back. I don’t care what empty cabin he crawls into and squats in, I don’t want him hanging in my cabin for the duration of the cruise. I so don’t need any more drama in my life right now.
“Alright, but you know where I am if you need to chat,” she nudges my shoulder and moves to fix the lipstick of the raucous and rowdy Randy. That’s his name, I think, his last name escapes me right now, there’s so much else on my mind. I suppose it doesn’t matter. He’s only featured in this one segment, and only because he’d portrayed a gay man on a hit erotic HBO show. He had appealed to the hearts and minds of the masses, and Jake had bribed him to come on the cruise and work his magic in the bedroom for the film crew. What Jake hadn’t known was that Randy did his best work when he was completely flooded, but the challenge was keeping his focus on the filming long enough for him to get through it. It was always the aftermath from these sessions that were the worst. If Randy didn’t get it together, he was going to find himself at the bottom of the casting lists in the future. No producer wants to work with a man who can only act when he’s drunk.
The other actor was sleepy, but when Randy started making his moves, supposedly acting, the guys erection was tenting the front of his boxers in a way that required no padding to be believable.
It wasn’t long before Randy noticed it, too, and in his inebriated state, he had no more inhibitions, though whether he had any before was questionable. It got really awkward on the set for a few takes, and we had to pause a few times for a boxer change because, whether it was dribbles from the drunk or pre-come stains from the tired one
toting the boner, the silk boxers picked up any signs of moisture and the cameras caught it as well. The wardrobe changes were easy enough, but I felt bad for the assistants having to take care of the boxers and take them to the laundry. They were ruined anyway, being silk, but I was too tired, confused, and hurt to pay much attention.
Once the shooting was finished, I made my way back to my cabin, slowly this time. I was hoping David would catch up and explain more, but he didn’t. He hung back, loitering around the crew and leaving instructions for the morning shoot, mid-morning at this point. It was pushing two in the morning, so the shoot would be moved from eight to eleven, giving everyone a chance to sleep a little. Jake looked relieved and I barely registered Alayah’s griping about concealer, baggy eyes, and dark circles.
When at last I turned the knob to my bedroom, I groaned when I stepped inside. Aaron was sitting at the desk chair, flipping through channels on my television.
“Aaron, I told you I want you out!” I complained, flopping on the bed, not bothering with a shower tonight. “I am in a really bad mood. Stuff has just been…it has been rough. Please go so I can get some sleep.”
“What’s the matter?”
I look up in surprise when he asks me. Aaron doesn’t think about anyone but himself.
“Why do you care?” I snap, feeling bad for saying it, but I just don’t have the energy to put up with his crap.
“Because you’re family.”
“Aaron, really? If you cared about family you wouldn’t have disappeared for six years! Do you have any idea how much that hurt Mom? And me? You’re my twin, Aaron. It was like something was missing. You’re my twin and my brother and I…I needed you to be there for stuff!” I shout, sitting up and glaring at him and, to my surprise, he looks genuinely guilty.
“I know. I was wrong to stay away. I only came back because I thought this was a sure thing this time. I thought this would be the one.”
“Aaron, when have any of your scams been ‘the one’? Hard work is what makes those moments in life ‘the one.’”
“I know. I’m not you, Alex. I’m terrible at being consistent. It’s like some part of me will always need to move on and find the better thing. But I was sitting there, thinking about even before six years ago, you were the one taking care of Mom. I know her acting career is on its last legs, and then what? How is she going to sustain the lifestyle she’s built? I wanted to give that to her, for all the years I’ve caused her heartache and hardship. I wanted to give her that nest egg, so she can stay in the beach house and have her fancy cars and clothes. You work so hard and it hasn’t been fair to you to have to give her all that. I wanted to help for once, not be the problem.”
He looks so genuine, wanting me to see the decency in his plan. I’ve always known Aaron isn’t a horrible person, just skewed. It seems the more he believes in something, the worse he digs himself in.
“Aaron, I don’t keep her in the fancy house. She does that on her own. You think Mom doesn’t have friends in high places? She has enough resources to see herself through. We have always just wanted you to come home,” I bend over at the waist and put my face in my hands. What a mess.
“Tell me what’s wrong, Alex. Why are you so upset? It isn’t just me,” Aaron reaches over and pats my shoulder.
I sit up and look him in the face. “I met a man in a club the other night. Had a hook up, a simple one, but erotic. I found out the next day he’s the same man who’s the producer on this project. It’s been a nightmare because he is, or was, also in the closet.”
“Yeah, I remember. You have a taste for the innocent ones.”
“You mean a type? I just like that they’re genuine. Like they haven’t been hurt so badly in a relationship that it leaves them bitter, unlike my own past. I’ve had enough rejection and bad relationships to know how it affects someone. I like the purity of their newfound identity. I like helping to teach them it’s a beautiful thing.”
“I know. I remember that much. So, what happened?” Aaron pours us each a glass from the bottle from earlier and I sip my drink.
“Well, first he ignored me. In front of Alayah and his friend Jake.”
“How is Alayah?” his eyes perk up.
“Good, but if she knows you are here, she’ll throw you overboard herself.”
“I’m a good swimmer, and I do like the feisty ones,” he sips his drink and laughs.
“Not the point, Aaron. Anyway, I decided I was going to be professional and just do the work. He wasn’t ready, and I pushed too hard. I took that fault on myself. But I’ve been in the business long enough to know my reputation needs to be protected. It could have been a career killer if a producer decided to out me as someone overly promiscuous.”
“I see, but he didn’t do that.”
“No. He did the weirdest thing. Called an emergency filming tonight and then pulled me aside. He was so strange. He rambled about coming out for a minute. I thought he was drunk, but then he talked about a kiss in the hall and me shoving him and how he didn’t think it was right I treated him like he treated me and rejecting him…”
“Oh shit!”
Aaron’s face fell, which caused my stomach to fall just as hard. The weight of food and nerves made it churn. What has he done? As if this cruise isn’t a shit-show to begin with. What can he possibly have to add to this mess now?
“He obviously didn’t kiss you in the hall.”
“No kidding,” I’m not following what he is getting at, and I’d like to blame it on the fact that I’m so exhausted.
“It was me.”
“What?” I jump up off the bed and stare down at him.
“Easy, tiger. You can have him, just saying. He caught me by surprise and I shoved him away. He hit the wall and then I busted into your room and completely forgot about it because I figured, hey, gay cruise. There must be a ton of guys around here knocking boots.”
“Aaron!” I shout, raking my hand through my hair. No wonder he looked as confused as I was. Aaron is my identical twin, and there’s no way David could know I have an identical twin. He’d looked so hurt when I looked confused, and now he was probably thinking I was shunning him and rejecting him, twice. “Aaron, damn it! Why do you have to mess everything up?”
Aaron just grins. “Well it makes sense now, doesn’t it? Now you can barge into his room, find a way to explain it all that doesn’t involve me, because technically I’m a stowaway, and then the two of you can live happily ever after and raise a family of your own corgis like Mom, and all will be well.”
“I wish you’d fall overboard and drown, asshole,” I punch his arm hard and he laughs. I wave my fist in the air and kiss my own knuckles because they sting.
I begin pacing the room. It’s three in the morning. If he’s awake, he’s probably fuming, but he’s likely already asleep, although I know I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I think about what I might say to him as I make the snap decision to go to his cabin. The halls are quiet and dim, and I don’t say a word to Aaron as I leave, shutting the door quietly and hoping he keels over in the shower or something and then I can pitch him overboard in the dead of night. Leave it to Aaron to make a bad situation worse. Poor David. To be just out and then to be treated that way. How am I going to explain it to him?
When I reach his level I take a deep breath when I get to the door. The best explanation is to tell him I freaked and was still reeling from earlier and to apologize profusely. I knock on the door softly and wait a few moments, but no one answers. Either he’s ignoring me or asleep, but I can’t leave it like this.
Opening the door a smidge I’m surprised it’s unlocked. I call softly into the darkness, “David? Are you awake? I’m so sorry, I came to apologize for the hallway.”
I’m about to turn away when a soft lamp flickers on in the corner. David is sitting there, rubbing his eyes, holding tomorrow’s schedule in his lap.
“Come in, Alex.”
10
David Andrews
; I sit staring at the production notes for the following day, but not really seeing what’s been laid out. Jake had a solid strategy for what he wants done. His organization for the whole cruise is phenomenal, but I can’t help feeling like I’m messing up all his carefully laid plans with my drama. The events of the last couple of days, the kiss with Alex, and, good God, that encounter at the club, has my mind on anything but my work. I shift in the chair as my cock begins to tingle. Another erection is the last thing I need right now, but it seems I can’t help it where Alex is concerned. Any time I think about him and his bright eyes and those thick, full lips wrapped around my…I stand and shake my head, feeling the tingle in my fingers. I’m so exhausted and want nothing more than to crawl into bed, pop the button on my pants, slip my hand downtown, and relieve the pressure building there.
Pacing, I think jerking off to the memory of another man with his mouth on my dick somehow falls into the category of inappropriate, but my emotions are so conflicted I don’t know if that’s entirely true. I kissed him in the hall. Sure, it probably wasn’t the best way to express my feelings. After shunning him yesterday and running so hot and cold, he must be thinking I should dose myself with some medication and sort myself out. But he was just so handsome standing there.
I feel the twinge of hurt from Alex’s rejection, but I can understand why he did it. Flinging myself back down in the chair and picking up the production plans, I switch the light off, casting myself in darkness. I wonder if there’s room for him to forgive me for my previous behavior, and I’m just about to get back up, leave my room to hunt him down and try to coax him into a reasonable adult conversation to communicate the contradicting nature of my emotions, when a knock sounds at the door. It’s only when I consider how rude it is that someone is knocking on my door at such a God-awful hour that I reconsider my previous plan. Alex is probably trying to get some sleep since the workday starts in just a few more hours.
Cruising For Trouble: A M/M Contemporary Romance Page 6