by Nicole Helm
He grabbed an ice pack out of the freezer and turned to face her.
“You’ll explain that phone call to me now,” she said, sounding calm and measured. She wasn’t sure how. She felt a lot like sinking to the floor and crying.
But there was no time.
Holden sighed and dropped the ice pack on the counter, then scrubbed his hands over his face. “It was Shay. About the codes your parents gave you. It isn’t just whereabouts or even the name of who they’re working for.”
Willa shook her head. “I know there’s a lot on the papers, but they include a lot of decoy information so that—”
“My team broke the code, Willa. We know what it says. It’s evidence. Evidence against a very dangerous organization. They know you have it or have access to it. That’s why they wanted you alive.”
“But then they didn’t.”
“I know. Something happened. Something changed. They wanted you dead.”
Willa absorbed that blow, but it didn’t take long. Her wheels were already turning. Because something had changed and it wasn’t her or Holden, but she didn’t know a darn thing about Holden’s group.
For a while there, whoever had her parents had only wanted to kidnap her. They could have killed her back at the farmhouse, but they’d tried to kill Holden. The job that had been set out for two-bit criminals had been to take her, alive, to the drop-off location.
Something changed. His group had the information her parents had left her for emergencies only. “This group didn’t always know I had access to evidence. Neither of us knew we had evidence. Right here. With us.”
Holden’s eyebrows drew together. “What does that mean?”
“It means they didn’t know I had a code, which includes even more important information than I thought, until you sent pictures to your team. Up until that meet up at the lake, they only wanted to take me. They didn’t want me dead.”
If he hadn’t put that information together, he didn’t show surprise, and yet something in him changed—she couldn’t have said what. Only that it made her...uneasy. On top of scared and suspicious.
“My team isn’t dirty, if that’s what you’re saying.”
“I wouldn’t know, Holden. I don’t know anything about them. Why should I trust them? Why should I trust...” She didn’t finish the sentence, because it was ridiculous to question trusting him at this point. She did, whether she’d wanted to or not, and they’d worked together to save each other’s lives more than once at this point.
“Go ahead and say it,” Holden said flatly.
Temper started to mount, mixing with fear. She knew irrational outbursts could only follow, but how much was a woman supposed to just take? “I wish I could say it! I wish I could mean it! But I trust you. With my life, turns out. So don’t get all testy on me. Someone in your team had to have done something that allowed this bad group...” The group. If the code had a name or a whereabout, they had a lead on where her parents were. “The group—does the code say who they are?”
“You sure change channels fast,” he muttered.
“My parents’ lives are at stake. I don’t have time to be angry or fight with you about whether your team is dirty or not. I have to get to them before they’re killed. I have to.”
Holden blew out a breath. “Let’s call Shay.”
* * *
IT ATE AT HIM. Even as Shay explained to both him and Willa on speakerphone that the group who likely had Willa’s parents was called Ross Industries, which was obviously a front for something else. Elsie was working on that, but carefully. Elsie confirmed that there was no way her searching had led anyone to know they or Willa had evidence against them.
“I know you want to move on your parents, Willa,” Shay was saying in her calm, authoritative tone. “Trust me, I know. But if we have any hope for avoiding loss of life, I need some time. We’ll send an entire team in.”
Willa sat on the couch. Hands clutched together on her lap. “Is there any way you can guarantee my parents are still alive?”
There was a pause. One far too long.
“I can’t at the moment,” Shay admitted. “But I will do everything in my power to get you some kind of answer in the next few hours. Okay?”
It was more than Holden had expected out of Shay, but he’d forgotten in the two years of Shay’s leadership role that she’d once been a person who rarely went by the book—even North Star’s.
“Thank you. Thank you. I...” Willa trailed off and looked up at him, some inner debate warring in her expression. “If you can use me as some kind of bait or trade or whatever, I want you to.”
“Willa—”
“No, don’t argue with me,” Willa said, cutting off Shay’s protests. But her eyes remained on him as she spoke. “I want you to promise me, if I can help, you’ll send me. I need you to. They’re my parents. I have to do everything in my power to save them. I’d like to do it with your help, but if you can’t promise me that, I walk.”
“It’s a little hard to walk when I’ve got an agent on you.”
“I walk,” Willa repeated firmly. To Shay. To him.
Holden could stop her from walking. He could stop her from doing a lot of things.
But he knew he wouldn’t. He understood too well what a child would need to sacrifice to save their parents. He couldn’t stop the car crash that had taken his father before he’d been born. He couldn’t stop the cancer that had taken his mother far too young.
If he had the opportunity to give Willa the chance to save her parents, he would. He had to.
Somehow, she understood that. Or at least guessed at it. Or maybe she just underestimated his ability to keep her prisoner if he wanted to. But he had the sneaking suspicion she just...understood him.
A problem, that.
“Stay in the safe house for now. Let me get men on the ground at this warehouse, a good sweep and some intel. We’ll update you in the morning, and the minute I get confirmation on your parents, I’ll pass it along to Holden. But for tonight, I want you two staying put. It’s part of our job to keep you safe as well, Willa. Not just your parents.”
“I know it’s silly, but—”
“Your animals are in good hands. We’ve got three people here at your house, and between the three of us and some internet searching, we’ve been taking pretty good care of all of them. We’ll do our best to continue to.”
“I appreciate it,” Willa said, though Holden didn’t think she sounded all that sincere.
He picked up the phone, clicked the speaker off. “We’ll hold tight. You’ve got someone with Elsie, right? If they’re looking for information, it’s not unreasonable to think they might return to the farmhouse.”
“I’m here. So is Granger.”
Holden nearly bobbled his phone. “Granger?” Holden couldn’t check his surprise at Shay involving their old boss.
“Came kicking and screaming, but I told him we were spread thin and he didn’t want Elsie caught in the crossfire, did he?”
“Fight dirty.”
“When it suits. Keep your target there under control. Holden, if I find out her parents are dead, I’m not passing that along until this is over.”
Holden closed his eyes. He wished Shay hadn’t told him that. Still, he gave her a quiet affirmation before hanging up the phone.
Willa was still sitting on the couch, her hands folded together. She was deep in thought, and every once in a while she leaned forward and wrote something down on a scratch pad of paper. Then she’d sit back, link her fingers and think again.
Holden should do something. Eat. Sleep. Figure out what the hell was going on with this Ross Industries. But all he could seem to do was watch her.
“What are you writing down?”
“A list. A list of things we need to do. I need to do. I realize your group is on it, but I nee
d to be doing something, too. I’m sorry, I don’t trust your group. Not enough.”
“Willa.”
“No, I’m sorry. Shay said something to you after you were off speaker. You don’t want to tell me, fine. But secrets are secrets, and I don’t trust that. I won’t.” She stood, holding her piece of paper. “First, I want you to get the address to that warehouse.”
“Willa. They didn’t give it to me for a reason. It might not even be where your parents are.”
She waved that away. “We don’t need to use it, per se. I just want you to have it. In case we need it. I want you to have it as backup. Can you do that?”
“Can? Yeah. Will I?”
She kept speaking as if the answer to that question was an obvious yes. “We’ll wait here tonight. I agree with that. We’ll need the intel your group finds before we make any moves. If someone in your group is dirty—”
“North Star isn’t dirty,” he interrupted. But she’d planted a doubt earlier. It had happened, now and again, when they’d tried to take down the Sons. Someone would be compelled to step over that line. Hell, the explosion they’d had two years ago had been due to Granger trusting the wrong double agent.
She looked up at him, stern as a schoolteacher. “You’re letting your emotions cloud reality, Holden.”
“No, I’m letting facts and experience and my gut influence my decision making, as it should be. First of all, we don’t know what’s going on with this Ross Industries. The change from kidnapping to murder could have to do with anything.” Including the death of her parents, but he wouldn’t say that to her. He couldn’t.
So, he continued on his point. “It’s not Shay. I know that. Down to my soul, I know it’s not Shay or Elsie. You’d have to meet Elsie and you’d see it too. She’s...good. The bone-deep kind you don’t see all that often. The five we had out with us this afternoon? Apart from trusting them with my life for years, it doesn’t make sense. They came in and saved my butt. They could have let them take us. They didn’t. I’m not saying there’s not something...more here. A computer hack? Someone saying the wrong thing to the wrong person. But I don’t see a leak. Not a purposeful one. It can’t be. I know these people. I trust these people.”
She blinked up at him, her expression softening into something he didn’t trust. Not for the life of him.
“They’re like your family,” she said softly.
He stepped back as if she’d struck him. Something worked through him, and he didn’t know the emotion, so he tried to convince himself it was offense. “I can do my job impartially.”
“No. No, that isn’t what I mean.” She moved over to him and reached her hand up to touch his face. “You don’t have to be a job, Holden. When it’s people you love, it isn’t so easy to be the job anymore. You’re family. You care. I don’t mean you can’t do your job, partially or impartially. I mean, you care.”
He took her arm by the wrist and pulled her hand off his face. “I don’t think you understand.”
“I do. I grew up with my parents doing what you’re doing. They loved each other. I may not have understood everything they did or went through, but I could watch and guess. You care about your team, so it’s complicated. I care about my parents, so it’s complicated.” She blew out a breath, and it was only as she made a move to walk away from him that he realized he’d kept his grip on her wrist.
She seemed to realize it then, too. She looked first at his hand holding her, then up at him. There wasn’t questioning in her gaze so much as consideration. She didn’t pull away. If anything she drifted closer.
It was all her talk about care and complications, and the truth here. With her hand in his, with her green eyes on his. Not just his team, who had become his family. But her. Who’d somehow become...something. “I care, so it’s complicated,” he said. For himself. About her. Though he should have shut his idiotic mouth.
He should have left it at that. He should have walked away. Gotten to work, because even if they were staying put for the night, surely there was still work to do. But he didn’t let go of her hand, and when she rose on her tiptoes, he didn’t push away.
He let her kiss him, and he kissed her back.
Chapter Seventeen
It wasn’t like when Holden had kissed her earlier today. Had that been today? Had it only been days since she’d known him? Willa felt like she understood everything about him. She felt like he was a part of her life. Inextricably.
No doubt she’d feel differently once this burned out. She might even regret it. But for now she wanted to feel something other than lost. Something other than alone.
Because she wasn’t alone. Maybe it was only for a short while, but she had him, and his kiss lit her from the inside out. It wasn’t gentle or tentative. If he had regrets, he was saving them for later.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and poured everything she was into the kiss. If she had to stay here and let someone else take the reins to her and her parents’ lives, why not take something for herself? Mistakes felt a lot less scary when life or death hung in the balance not too far away.
Holden’s arms were strong and tight around her. His body hard, sturdy against hers. His mouth was an anchor to something new. Something bright and wonderful and connected. His teeth scraped against her bottom lip, and she felt alive. Well and truly linked. Not just to some random guy, or even the guy who’d helped her, fought side by side with her.
But the man who’d talked to her about his family, who’d bandaged her cuts gently because he cared that she’d been hurt. He’d spoke of one of his teammates as bone-deep good, and so was he.
She understood he thought himself as bad because he’d gotten mixed up in something bad once when he’d been a teenager and grieving, but he wasn’t. He was good and noble, and his need to set things to rights made her care about him as much as this attraction did.
She knew she’d never be able to explain that to him in words, so she tried to explain it to him in feelings.
Everything gentled. Imperceptibly almost, but her knees felt weak as his hands cupped her face. Heat was intoxicating. It dulled thought and reason. Gentleness went deeper. It was the promise of something more than what they had. It gave her hope. One that wasn’t particularly comfortable.
But she’d never been after comfort.
Holden tore his mouth from hers. “I can’t do this,” he said, his voice rough and low.
But he was breathing hard and still holding her tight. His words didn’t match his actions. At all. “Why not?”
“It isn’t right.”
“Why not?”
He gave her one of those disapproving looks, and though he started trying to put distance between them, she wouldn’t let him.
“Well, why not, Holden?”
“Stop saying why not,” he ordered, trying to pull her arms off his neck. But she simply wouldn’t let him.
“Then give me a good answer.”
“We’re in the middle of something dangerous. You’re worried about your parents. You’ve somehow planted worries in my head about my own team.”
She heard excuses more than reasons. Because even if the reasons were true, they paled in comparison to this. “But you care. And I care.”
“Willa...”
She would miss the way he said her name in exasperation. The loss of it would feel insurmountable if she wasn’t also facing the loss of her parents, or even her own life. Maybe she’d die trying to save her parents. She would if she had to.
She didn’t want to die without this moment. It would be a waste. “I know in a few hours it all changes. Trust me, I know. But I also know... You have to take what you can get. Even when it’s not perfect. That’s what my life taught me. Nothing’s ever going to be perfect, so you reach for all you can.”
“Maybe I don’t want to reach because I know what it feels like to l
ose.”
“Oh, Holden.” It just about broke her heart in two. Maybe she should trust him. He’d suffered losses far more significant than she ever had. But she couldn’t understand shutting herself down because of what might come. And much like she’d never wanted to be a spy like her parents because she wanted free rein over her emotions, she didn’t want to control her emotions now. She wanted it all. “Feelings aren’t win or lose. Not these.”
She’d never convince him of that with words, so she kissed him again, hoping to find a way past all those protections. All those walls. He deserved more than the little prison he’d made for himself. He’d let his group become his family, though he hadn’t admitted it to himself yet, but he was still so often separate from them.
She understood that, too, even if her loneliness was somewhat self-imposed. Or necessary. Or whatever. For a few hours, she had license to be with someone. To give herself over to the opposite of loneliness, to connection and care.
He lifted her off her feet, and she laughed against his mouth. It felt good to laugh. To pause everything. There was nothing else to be done, so why not find solace in something that wasn’t bleak at all?
He carried her into the bedroom, his mouth never leaving hers. She held on tight, wanting the moment to last, wanting to rush ahead. Wanting anything and everything from him. She tugged at his shirt and he deposited her on the bed, then pulled it off himself.
He was pure rangy muscle, and Willa’s stomach and heart jumped in time—attraction, and something that felt a little deeper than the word care she kept using.
She reached out and smoothed her palm over the splotching of scars on his side. “What happened?”
He knelt on the bed next to her, then tugged at her shirt until she lifted her arms and let him take it off her. “Explosions.”
“Plural?”
He shrugged. A careless yes.
But it wasn’t careless. He’d been marred and marked by the work he’d chosen to do. To make something right. She kissed the white line on his shoulder. “And this one?”