by Harper Bliss
Earlier at home, Liz had wanted to make love, but Jessica couldn’t even consider it. Even though Liz looked as scrumptious as ever, and her smile was confident and inviting, her body just as strong-looking as always. There was a mental barrier Jessica wasn’t able to overcome.
She needed to find a way to relax. Or perhaps Caitlin and Jo would help. After all, Jessica had been as relaxed as she could possibly be around them. Yet the thought of that didn’t seem to help. Instead, it blended together in her brain as one big mess of strange memories and too high expectations and a question that made its way forward through all the fog in her mind: since when had sex become so important? Since when was it allowed to influence her thoughts and conversations so much? Christ, Jessica should get a grip.
“Are you okay, Jess?” Jo asked.
All three of them were holding up their glass. Jessica had missed the toast.
“Yes.” She tried to sound assured. “Cheers. Thanks for having us.”
Katherine arrived and Caitlin had served dinner not long after. The fact that she was in charge of the main course didn’t seem to stop Caitlin from knocking back quite a few glasses of champagne, making Jessica wonder whether she was nervous about something.
Liz, Katherine, Jo and Caitlin seemed to be having a great time, with conversation flowing easily and sometimes, apparently, hilariously, between them. Jessica didn’t seem to get half of the jokes and innuendo. Not tonight.
“I’m not sure what my life would be like without my gays,” Liz said. “No offense to anyone present, of course, but lesbians can be so bloody uptight.”
“None taken,” Caitlin was the first to say. “I’m pretty sure you don’t mean me.”
“Nor me,” Katherine chimed in. “I can’t really afford to be.”
Jo clutched a hand to her chest. “What? I’m the uptight one then?” She shook her head. “I guess I used to be, but I’d like to believe I’ve unwound quite a bit since shacking up with Caitlin. Who wouldn’t? What with the things she makes me do.” She grinned and blew Caitlin a kiss.
Caitlin shot Jo a wink.
“You’re awfully quiet tonight, Jess,” Caitlin said. “Are you all right?” She leaned over the table. “You’re sworn to complete openness when it comes to your health, with both Kat and me. You scared us too much when you disappeared on us three months ago.” She looked at Liz. “Has she told you about that?”
“She has.” Liz put a hand in the small of Jessica’s back. Jessica hated herself for flinching. She hoped Liz hadn’t noticed, but Liz noticed everything. To make up for it, she pushed her back into the palm of Liz’s hand, only to feel her retract it abruptly.
“I’m fine. I promise you. I had an appointment with my oncologist last Thursday. Everything’s going according to plan. I just had a bit of a weird week with going back to work.”
“Understandable,” Jo said. She was such a sweetheart. And she was about to get her PhD. Now that was respectable. You could take that information home and boast about it to your parents.
“I hope you don’t think I meant that you’re uptight, Jess.” Liz was sitting next to her and turned toward her. She gave Jessica a look she couldn’t quite decipher.
“Of course not,” Jessica quickly said.
“It’s not every day you have dinner with two call girls,” Caitlin said, which was such a typical thing for her to say.
Jessica froze. She took a deep breath and tried to relax. Everyone else at the table seemed to find this amusing. It was easy enough for Caitlin to say. Her girlfriend was the very picture of wholesomeness. Although even Jo was chuckling away happily.
Jessica realized she had been talking to the wrong people about this. Katherine and Caitlin were much more open-minded than she was. She needed someone to confide in about this who would have an equally hard time dealing with it. But, of course, that would make the conversation so much harder to have. What would be the benefit in the end? Jessica’s unease would just be strengthened.
By the time Jessica snapped out of the tailspin of her thoughts, the conversation had progressed. She looked to her left, where Liz was sitting. Was it her imagination or had Liz moved her chair away from her? Either way, whether there was more physical distance between them or not, Jessica felt a huge emotional divide opening up.
“It’s just another double standard in today’s society,” Josephine was saying. “I’m guilty of it as well. It takes work to get past that sort of thing.” She cleared her throat. “I was all up in arms when I found out that Katherine was a sex worker, after I slept with her, I must add.” She shot Caitlin a look.
“Understandably so,” Caitlin said. “I should have told you.” She glanced at Jessica.
“I should have said something,” Jessica said. “It wasn’t fair.”
“Well, yes. Information is always paramount,” Jo said. “But my point is that I got over it very quickly. Once I knew what Katherine’s situation was, it didn’t matter to me that much.”
“Wait,” Liz said. “There’s something I’m missing here.” She glanced at Jessica. “You told me that the four of you got it on and that you set it up as some sort of pre-mastectomy ‘treat’.”
Jessica nodded. It sounded so silly when put like that.
“So why did Kat’s job matter? Wasn’t it just four friends getting together?” She narrowed her eyes. “Or did you book Katherine to spice up your evening? And didn’t tell Caitlin and Jo?”
“That’s right. Jess sprang that one on us well and good,” Caitlin said. “I worked it out pretty quickly, but Jo didn’t.”
Liz raised her eyebrows and leaned back in her chair. Jessica felt the distance between them loom even larger than before.
Jessica wanted nothing more than to change the topic of conversation. She glanced at Josephine. “Jo, how’s your thesis coming along?”
“Oh no, we don’t mention the T-word on a Saturday evening,” Caitlin said. “It’s crunch time for Jo.” She drew Jo close to her by the shoulder. “But she needs to relax tonight.” She kissed Jo on the cheek making a big smacking sound.
“It’s a bit stressful at the moment,” Jo said. She leaned into Caitlin’s embrace. Their closeness made the gap between Jessica and Liz appear even greater.
“Is work totally not allowed as a topic?” Liz asked. She looked at Jessica pointedly while doing so—as though she was setting all the rules.
“No, of course not.” Jessica tried a smile. She fought the urge to scoot her chair a little closer to Liz’s—to bridge that growing distance between them. She wished they hadn’t come here. That they’d just stayed home and enjoyed each other’s company. “We can talk about anything.”
“Good, because I’m about to have a fan girl moment.” Liz turned to Caitlin. “You once wrote something about sex workers. I read it just after I had made the decision to join The Lesbian Experience and it made me feel so much better about myself and my decision.” Liz tapped a finger against her chin. “I’m trying to remember the exact words. I can usually recite them by heart, but I think I’ve had a bit too much of this.” She pointed at her empty glass.
“Sex work isn’t always a manifestation of exploitation, abuse, or a dysfunctional power dynamic. It can be empowering and a viable way to make a living,” Katherine said.
“Yes, that’s it.” Liz smiled at Katherine, who sat opposite her. “That was some sturdy hooker pep talk. But not just that. You made me feel as though we mattered just as much as anyone else. That what we do is equally important and viable as any other services provided for money. It was very significant to read for me at the time.”
“There are so many different kinds of sex work,” Caitlin said. “What you and Katherine do is light years away from what ninety-nine percent of the population think it is. And of course sex work can also be exploitative. It can put the people who do it in a very vulnerable position. They face violence and degrading circumstances every single day. It has never been my objective to sugarcoat things and to make
it look like it’s all sunshine and roses, because it’s not. But when it’s your own choice and you have a very clear reason for doing it—and that reason is mostly money—then it shouldn’t be automatically judged.”
“If you don’t mind me asking,” Jo said. “Have either of you ever worked with men?”
Both Liz and Katherine shook their heads vigorously.
“We provide The Lesbian Experience only,” Katherine said.
“I’m sure there are plenty of men who’d like to put themselves right in the middle of that,” Caitlin said.
Liz rolled her eyes. “Been there, not done that.”
Jessica glanced at Liz. There was so much she didn’t know—so much she would never know.
“Alana has a knack for sniffing out weird situations,” Katherine said.
“Alana is the owner of the agency,” Liz explained. “Sometimes she does make mistakes, though.” Liz grinned at Jessica. “But hey, if she weren’t human and prone to mistakes just like the rest of us, I would never have met Jess.” She shot Jessica the most endearing smile. “Nor would I be sitting at Caitlin James and Josephine Greenwood’s dinner table.”
“Alana really screwed that one up,” Katherine said. “That should never have happened.”
Liz shrugged. “Maybe it happened for a reason.”
Jessica tried to smile, but her lips remained in a pout. A cock-up at an escort agency. That was her and Liz’s origin story. She could just imagine the faces of her family members when she told them.
“Maybe,” Jessica said. Then the ugliest thought she’d had so far crossed her mind. Why, after all the hardship she had gone through during the past year, when she’d finally met someone she really liked, did the object of her affection have to be a hooker?
Chapter Twenty-Two
“Can I come in?” Liz asked, when they reached Jessica’s house. They had walked back in silence from Caitlin’s apartment in Darlinghurst. It was only a fifteen-minute walk. All throughout, Jessica had tried to focus on the memory of the first walks she and Liz had taken. The unexpectedly pleasant meanderings though her neighborhood. But her mind had been persistent and had not allowed her to dwell on those innocent dates they’d had.
“Of course.” Jessica opened the door and let them in. Liz was in no state to drive home and Jessica guessed it was implied that she would stay the night.
“I don’t just want to assume,” Liz said. She seemed to have a particular liking for champagne and had happily guzzled up anything Caitlin had much too generously poured. Since her surgery, Jessica seemed to have gone off champagne and she’d only drank a few sips to be polite.
When Jessica closed the door behind them, Liz immediately pushed Jessica’s back against it. “I’ve been waiting to do this all night,” she said. She wasn’t so drunk that she slurred her words. She just looked pleasantly tipsy, really, yet her very demeanor was getting on Jessica’s nerves.
Liz nibbled on her neck, then traced a path of wet kisses to Jessica’s cheek, to land on her lips.
Jessica didn’t open her mouth to let Liz’s tongue slip in.
Liz withdrew and looked at her. “Not in the mood?” she asked.
“Not really.”
“What’s wrong?” Liz scrutinized her face and Jessica could barely stand Liz’s gaze on her.
“Nothing. I’m just tired.”
“Would you rather I went home?” Liz took a step back. “I can call a taxi.”
Jessica sighed. “I don’t know.”
“If you don’t know then I should probably go.”
Jessica didn’t say anything because she was afraid confirming would lead to something she might regret, but she couldn’t deny that she wanted Liz to go home. She tried to remember Liz’s words about the swinging pendulum, but her brain was too tired and foggy.
Liz brought her hands to her hips. “You’re not going to say anything?”
“I don’t know what to say. Okay? I have no idea.”
“How about you say what’s going through your mind right this second.” Liz’s voice was no longer smooth, nor calm.
“I—I just don’t want to—” Jessica stopped. “Why don’t you come in and we’ll talk about it.” She moved farther into the hallway past Liz.
“Talk some more? I’m not in the mood for that, Jess. It’s late. We can talk tomorrow.” Liz’s shoulders sagged.
“I just can’t be with you right now. I need some time to… I don’t know, to process, I guess.”
“If you’re so afraid to say it, then why don’t I pick up your slack, huh?” Liz squared her shoulders. “Don’t think I didn’t notice you were ashamed of me.”
“I wasn’t ashamed of you.” The high pitch in Jessica’s voice betrayed her lie.
“Come on, Jess. Be honest. It’s the only way,” Liz pleaded.
“I’m sorry.” She sighed. “All I seem to be doing is apologizing for how I feel. It’s making me so ill at ease. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want our first weeks together to be like this, yet they are. Somehow, I feel like it’s all my fault. Like I’m the one who can’t handle it, while I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong.”
“You haven’t done anything wrong, but neither have I.” Liz took a step back. “It’s too late for this. We’ve already had this conversation once earlier today. I don’t think I can have it twice.”
“Neither can I. There’s nothing new to say, anyway.” Jessica felt herself deflate. It had been a long day. In fact, she hadn’t been able to relax fully since last night before 7 p.m.
“Maybe there is.” Liz pulled her leather jacket a little tighter around her shoulders. “Maybe we should end this now. Before it gets even more painful.”
“What? No,” Jessica blurted out. “I don’t want to end things. I’m just asking for a bit more time.”
“Take all the time you need and while you do, don’t invite me over if you don’t want to see me. Don’t take me to dinner with your friends if you’re not having a good time because you’re too embarrassed about what I do. It’s humiliating for me. I hope you can see that.”
“Won’t you come in? Let’s have that chat, anyway.” Panic gripped like a cold fist around Jessica’s heart.
“I can’t give you an ultimatum, Jess. That wouldn’t be fair. But I simply cannot be with someone who doesn’t really want to be with me.”
“But I do want to be with you. How can you even think that I don’t?”
“Part of you does, yes. I do believe that. But what do you want? For us to hide inside your house forever? For me to be your stealthy lover? This was dinner with Katherine and Caitlin. You won’t find anyone more open-minded than those two. And already you couldn’t deal. What are you going to say when someone at work asks what your new girlfriend does for a living?”
“I’m certainly not going to tell them she’s a hooker,” Jessica blurted out.
“Exactly,” Liz said. “That’s what I thought.”
“What? You want me to tell people what you do? That’s just ridiculous? Like it’s something to be proud of.”
Jessica watched Liz lose composure in front of her eyes. Her knees seemed to buckle a little and her shoulders slumped.
“I’d best be going now.” Liz turned around.
“Wait, Liz, please.” Jessica rushed to her side. “Let’s get you a cab first. Stay until it gets here.” Jessica reached for her purse. She didn’t dare touch Liz. She knew she’d gone too far.
“I’ll wait outside. It shouldn’t be a problem to get one.” There was a trembling undertone to Liz’s voice.
Jessica leapt to the door and stood in front of it. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“That’s right.” Liz straightened her spine a little. “I’m a human being. Just like you, Jess. Why can’t you see that?”
“I can. Liz, please. I don’t want to lose you. We only just met,” Jessica pleaded.
Liz shook her head. “I’m willing to be understanding and I’
m willing to have all the conversations you need to understand me and what I do and the reasons why I do it, but I draw the line at the obvious mortification you feel because of being with me.” She sighed. “This is supposed to be the fun time, Jess. You can’t even bear to touch me. It’s obvious we’re not right for each other.”
“We can’t just end things in the middle of the night in my hallway. We need to discuss this in the daylight, after a good night’s sleep.”
“I don’t.” Liz stepped closer to the door and grabbed the handle. “Please move, Jess. I want to leave.”
“But—” Jessica had no more arguments. Everything she could say now would be a repeat of what she’d already said, and she’d said all the wrong things.
Liz might also very well be right. Jessica couldn’t do this. They were too different and wanted different things. But if that was the case, why wasn’t Jessica being flooded with relief because she was off the hook? Why did it feel like someone was punching her repeatedly in the gut instead?
Jessica moved away from the door. What else could she do? As torn and empty as she felt at the depressing prospect of never seeing Liz again, she’d done all the begging she could do. And she couldn’t in good faith ask Liz again to stay and say they’d work it all out.
Liz opened the door and before she left, she turned around to look at Jessica. “You know, when we were talking about double standards at dinner earlier, I really hoped some message was getting across to you. Clearly, it didn’t.” She paused. “Bye, Jess,” Liz said, and the sadness in her voice felt like the most painful punch to Jessica’s gut yet.
Jessica stared at the closed door for a while longer. When a tear showed up in the corner of her eye, she quickly brushed it away. She didn’t deserve to cry over this. She deserved the pain, but not the relief of tears.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Jessica had barely slept. She hadn’t wanted to call Katherine in the middle of the night, but she had counted the hours until she could. It was only eight on a Sunday morning, but Jessica had to talk to someone. She’d been cooped up in her house in silence for far too long. Her heart might explode out of her chest with pent-up regret if she didn’t talk to someone soon.