by Ella Craig
‘Do you want a coffee or something?’ Kath asked after five minutes of silence.
‘No, you poison everything you touch. I want nothing more to do with you.’ He spoke with the mechanical precision of the speaking clock. ‘I came here because you kept nagging at me.’
‘We need to talk,’ Kath began.
‘About what?’ He didn’t sound interested.
‘Us.’
‘There is no us; there never was an us.’
His lack of emotion unsettled her. Anger or hatred would be easier to deal with than this, this indifference.
‘This is why I came to apologise.’
‘Thank you.’ That dismissive tone again.
‘What?’
‘You said, sorry. I said, thank you. Your good deed is done for the day so you can go home now. Go on, sod off and leave me alone.’
‘Please don’t be like this. I must tell you something important. Will you listen to me?’ Kath begged.
Darren said nothing, did nothing; even his eyes were blank.
‘I owe you an apology and an explanation for the way I treated you.’ She swallowed. ‘There was someone else.’
‘I know.’ He leaned forward. ‘At first, I thought you were saving yourself for that tosser, Miles.’ His nostrils flared with contempt.
‘Don’t you dare call him names.’
Darren sat back in his chair, as silent as a cat waiting to pounce on a small furry creature and tear it to shreds. Kath shifted in her seat.
‘I told you before, we are nothing more than friends, so don’t be jealous of Miles.’
The inscrutable stare fixed its gaze on the wall over her head again.
‘I want to talk about us, not Miles, us. When we first met, I was kind of on the rebound from someone else. I thought he didn’t want me anymore but we got back together last week, and I realise he is the one I love. It was wrong of me to string you along. I am sorry, truly I am.’
Again, no reaction, his face immobile and his eyes stared through her.
‘I’m not asking you to forgive me...’
‘Just as well, because I’m not in a forgiving mood.’ It came like a slap in the face. ‘Once, I thought I loved you, but I don’t anymore. I don’t hate you though; you mean nothing to me now.’
‘I suppose I deserved that,’ said Kath. It was not a question.
‘That and more,’ Darren sounded cheerful now. ‘I knew you were seeing someone else. He’s a bit old for you, but I guess an immature prat like you would be drawn to the fatherly type.’
‘How did you find out?’ Kath tried to ignore his insults.
‘We had a date last Wednesday. I got to your place early and saw you drive off with another man. You were both laughing. I wondered if he was your dad. I hoped so, but I found out later he wasn’t. Remember last Saturday when you ignored me for that twat Miles.’ Darren stopped, but Kath refused to rise to the bait. After a long drawn out moment he continued. ‘I chatted with your friend Liz. She told me your father is a tall, balding man, not a short-arsed dark haired bloke.’
‘I ought to thank you for not making more of a scene than you did.’ Kath was weighed down with sorrow. ‘I wish we hadn’t ended this way.’
‘I wish we never happened at all,’ Darren spoke in a flat, toneless voice. ‘You can be a thoughtless bitch at times.’
How stupid to think an explanation would make everything better. Poor Darren, treated like dirt and used as a verbal rubbish dump, Kath reached for his hand, but he snatched it away.
‘I guess there’s nothing left to say. I’ll go now.’ Kath stood. ‘I’m sorry. Goodbye, Darren.’
He didn’t answer, but for the first time, his eyes met hers. They told of a love turned sour, betrayal of the worst kind, and his utter disdain for her. Kath looked away first.
‘Sorry, I am so sorry,’ she blurted out and hurried away before she did any more damage.
She stopped in the doorway and glanced back at Darren, he had slumped forward and dropped his head into his hands. Filled with remorse Kath closed her eyes to stop the tears from coming. She opened them to see, through a watery film, a shiny-headed brunette get up from her seat and go to Darren.
Kath sat at the foot of the stairs in her cold and dark flat, staring at the phone. It had taken two days for her to find the courage to make this call, but she wanted a decision either way. A clean break would be better than a repeat performance of her parting from Darren. Her last image of him still haunted her, because if this conversation didn’t go her way she would be the one left in pain, but who would comfort her?
She took a deep breath and dialled Tony’s number.
‘Come on Tony,’ Kath pleaded. ‘Pick up the phone, before I lose my nerve.’
What would she say, anyway? Hi, Tony, could you tell me when you’re planning to leave your wife? Crikey, Jackie might answer or, worse, one of his kids. Hello, poppet, tell daddy his mistress wants to speak to him! Kath swallowed a huge burst of wild laughter, which died when she realised the phone still rang. She had psyched herself up for nothing. A sudden gruff hello nearly made her drop the receiver.
‘Tony? Is it safe to talk?’
‘Kathy! Why are you calling me at home?’ He spoke with a loud and unguarded tone, which told her no one else was around.
‘I’m sorry, but we need to talk.’ She prayed Tony would pick up the urgency in her voice and not fob her off until they could meet.
‘Can’t this wait? Jackie and the kids will be home any minute now.’
‘No, I have something to ask you. It won’t take long.’
‘OK, what is it?’
Tony’s brusqueness unsettled her. What did she have to say? Her mind went blank. Why am I calling him? We talked through our problems. She chewed her nails, knowing how fragile the link between two people can be, and how devastating the fallout when that link breaks. She should end this conversation before she created more chaos and uncertainty.
‘Kathy? Are you there?’
‘Sorry, I shouldn’t call you at home. I’ll say goodbye.’
‘No love, if you have something to say, say it.’
‘Nothing important,’ Kath wanted to slam the receiver down before she opened one enormous can of explosive worms.
‘Come on; something’s bothering you. What is it?’ His voice caressed her, luring her into indiscretion. Beguiled, Kath attempted to voice her concerns.
‘I need to know exactly where I stand. What our relationship actually means to you.’
‘We’ve been through this before. What more can I say?’
Interesting question thought Kath. This was harder than her dreadful meeting with Darren. She took a deep breath.
‘Did you mean everything you said to me?’
‘Of course, I did.’
‘You love me?’
‘Yes!’
‘And you’re prepared to leave Jackie for me?’
‘Kathy, what is this? What are you trying to say?’
‘Will you ever leave Jackie?’ Kath refused to be diverted although Tony appeared keen to avoid the question.
‘Kathy, please...’
‘Will you?’ She didn’t care if she bullied him. She needed an answer. Life was too precious to waste on a dead-end relationship.
‘I said so, didn’t I?’
‘When?’ Come on, commit yourself, you bugger, one way or another. ‘When will you leave your wife for me?’
‘When we are sure and the time is right.’
‘And when will the time be right?’
‘Kathy, what’s got into you?’
‘Stop stalling and answer the bloody question.’
There was a silence. Kath’s anger dissipated and a curious feeling of emptiness took over, leaving her light-headed and faint.
‘I have to go, Jackie is home,’ whispered Tony. ‘I love you, and I want you, let’s leave it at that for the time being.’ The line went dead.
How jolly convenient! Kath threw the r
eceiver down then picked it up again.
‘Shall I call you back and see if you are telling me porky pies?’ she started to dial his number. ‘What is the sodding point?’
Message received and understood, she pushed for an answer, and he ran for the hills.
‘Bit of a different attitude now, Tony, my boy,’ she growled.
She remembered when they first met. How he pursued her with a single-mindedness, which left her breathless, not that Kath objected because he cut a fine figure in his uniform. Not thinking of the consequences, the affair began in a frenzy of excitement.
‘And now it appears to be all over.’ Kath’s eyes prickled. ‘I am also talking to myself, which makes me mad, sad and dangerous to know.’ She wiped her nose. ‘Darren, you are no longer alone in your misery because I think I am about to join you in heartbreak hell.’
you’ll always find me in the kitchen at parties
Kath emerged from the hospital into a rainstorm. Great, no brolly, but luckily twenty yards from the bus stop. She hoisted her jacket over her head and ran for it.
‘Come on in, my lovely, you are getting soaked.’ A breathless voice greeted her. ‘Don’t worry, I don’t bite; at least not enough to draw blood.’
Now what? Drown or join her potential rapist? Kath hesitated in the shelter’s doorway. It was one of the old-fashioned types. No clear Perspex so everyone can see your attacker. Just a metal box so no one would discover her mutilated body until the morning.
‘You don’t want to be hanging around on your own at night.’
A figure shuffled into view, and Kath gazed into a wrinkled face with sunken eyes peering out from under bushy eyebrows. The hair on the chin gave no clue to the creature’s sex. Neither did the shape of its body. A formless lump of dirty laundry topped with a hand-knitted balaclava.
‘Not safe for pretty young girls like you to be out late.’ A string of snot dribbled from her new companion’s nose.
Kath averted her gaze and wished a bus, any bus, would turn up as the voice carried on talking, the words peppered with obscenities. She wiped the rain from the timetable and studied it as if it held the answers to the mysteries of life. It didn’t. It told her she had a twenty-minute wait.
What a waste of an evening. She had spent two hours sat at Jenny’s bedside while a stream of visitors flowed by. They discussed Darren, but there were too many flapping ears to mention Tony. Jenny appeared on edge and miffed by the constant interruptions, although, Kath would gladly welcome one right now.
The voice stopped. There was a rustling of rearranged clothing and the unmistakable sound of flies being lowered. She froze not knowing if to run or scream or possibly both when the man sighed with contentment and urinated on the floor by her feet. She took a step backwards and stumbled into the gutter.
‘Where are you going, girlie?’
The man, still pissing, grabbed her by the arm. Kath tried to wriggle free. There was no one in sight, but the security cameras overhead should capture her last moments for her grieving parents to enjoy.
‘Stay here, missy, stay and talk to me.’ The voice creaked with ancient laughter. The rain hadn’t washed away the tart stench of urine, but fear robbed Kath of her ability to think. She should do something, but she stood like a rabbit in the headlights before it becomes roadkill.
‘Help!’ she whimpered. The man let go of her arm, and Kath danced up and down making shooing motions with her hands. ‘Go away, please, go away. Leave me alone.’
‘You’m a strange one.’ He shuffled back into the shelter, penis still dangling from his trousers.
What an anti-climax, Kath’s panic left her as quickly as it came. The rain beat down on her head, and the angels laughed. What an idiot! Frightened to death by an old wino, Kath squelched back to the bus stop but did not go in. A taxi swung around the bend and stopped in a spray of rainwater. A figure ran out from a hidden doorway and slipped into the car. Somewhere a window slammed shut, and another one opened, and the roar of a TV game show burst through the rain. As Kath relieved each moment of her unpleasant but not dangerous ordeal, a bus turned up. It wasn’t hers, but it went past Barry’s flat where Miles was staying, he would die laughing at this one.
‘Been for a swim?’ Barry laid newspaper on the floor for her wet shoes, then disappeared into his bedroom and returned with a towel and a t-shirt.
‘Hang your coat over the bath. None of my trousers will fit you, but you can use my dressing gown if you want.’ On his own turf, he was a different man, an urbane host not given to blushes or paroxysms of shyness. ‘We’re in the front. Come on through when you are dryer.’
Kath made what repairs she could after discovering none of Barry’s clothing fit her. She walked into the lounge and straight into a wall of testosterone and smoke. Through the fog, she spotted Mickey, Dan and Dave playing poker on the coffee table. John, screwdriver in hand, was on his knees fiddling with the video player. But where was Miles?
‘Grab yourself a drink, Kath,’ Barry was intent on rolling a spliff of immense proportions.
Cheerful hallos greeted her as she moved towards the kitchen. She arrived with orders for drinks and food. Barry joined her as she piled the goodies on to a tray, he handed her the joint.
‘Cheers,’ she took a grateful toke and released her breath with a long and happy sigh.
‘You don’t mind my being here, do you? I hope I haven’t interrupted a lad’s night.’
‘No, I was enjoying a quiet evening in, but people kept turning up.’
‘As long as I’m not playing gooseberry.’ She passed him the spliff and watched him smoke. God, he was beautiful but so unobtainable, with his aura of inviolable purity that held would be lovers at a distance. He must have been a monk in a previous life. Kath smiled at him, and they shared a companionable moment before joining the others.
‘Where’s Miles?’
‘Out on a date, now hush.’ Mickey frowned at his cards.
‘A date?’ Kath couldn’t picture Miles as a man of romance. If he was seeing another woman, where would that leave her? ‘Who with?’
‘His hand!’ Dan chortled.
Kath couldn’t help grinning. ‘Can someone give me a sensible answer, please?’ She looked at Barry.
‘He went out an hour ago, but he didn’t say where or when he would be back.’
Bugger! Never mind, he is bound to turn up soon. Kath decided to stay and join in the fun.
‘Where’s Liz tonight, John?’
‘She’s gone to Karate.’
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘It’s a women’s group or something, run by your ex-boyfriend.’ John sounded relaxed. ‘For self-defence.’
‘I guess it will keep her fit.’ From whom did Liz need to defend herself? ‘Where are the rest of the women?’
‘Allie’s got choir practice,’ said Mickey.
‘And Sue’s on nights,’ added Dan.
‘I’m here to ask if Bazzer fancies coming out to meet one of Julie’s cousins,’ Dave informed her. ‘I’m picking them up from their aerobics class later, but he said no.’
‘We suggested he fix her up with Miles.’ Barry gave her a wink.
‘Are we playing cards or talking?’ Dan slapped his hand on the table. ‘I’m on a winning streak here.’
Kath pulled up a chair and settled down to watch the game. Dan lost.
‘I went to visit Jenny this evening if anyone is interested,’ Kath announced.
‘Congratulations, would you like a medal?’ Mickey gathered up the cards. ‘Who’s up for another game?’
‘And I have been the victim of indecent exposure.’ She cut in before Mickey dealt another hand. ‘Tonight, I was forced to stare at a man’s willy.’
‘I see a massive one every time I look down,’ said Dan.
‘And in the mirror.’ Kath regretted coming over; this was not the place for sympathy or empathy.
‘Go on; tell us,’ sighed Dan. ‘We won’t get any peace until you do
.’
‘Sorry, if I’m in the way,’ she huffed.
‘Don’t mind him, he’s a sore loser,’ said Barry. ‘Where did you see your flasher?’
Miles returned as Kath got to the part where she did her nervous jig along with her inane blathering. She waved at Miles, and he gave her a sweeping bow. She blew him a kiss and continued. ‘So I stood in the rain, like a complete knob, frightened to death by some old tramp.’
‘I bet you had a run-in with Old Scrote,’ said Dan. ‘Sue’s says he’s been hanging around the hospital for a couple of months now. He’s a harmless old sot who’s not careful where he has a waz.’
‘I guess I should be glad he didn’t widdle on me.’
‘Sounds like you did that for yourself,’ Dan laughed. ‘Don’t suppose you’d mind getting me another drink?’
‘I did not come here to play barmaid for you lot,’ she told them but soon found herself in the kitchen with a tray full of empty glasses. So much for women’s liberation.
‘Need a hand?’ Miles appeared in the doorway.
‘Where have you been?’ Kath had to know, if Miles had a girlfriend he would have less time for her.
‘For a walk.’
‘In this weather?’ She wiggled her damp feet and flapped her two-tone trousers at him. They had a weather-induced tidemark, electric blue above the mark and black below.
‘You are too dry, where were you?’
‘Down the pub. The flat was too full of people, but then again, so was the pub.’
‘Why did you bother going?’ At times, Miles’ behaviour was downright odd.
‘I needed to be alone,’ he struck a pose, ‘far from the madding crowd and all that bollocks.’
‘You know what your trouble is; you think too much,’ Kath said, as she opened a can of beer. ‘Want some?’
‘Depends what you’re offering.’
‘Saucy devil! Anyway, I am through with men. I had it out with Darren last Wednesday.’