by Ella Craig
Kath stood, and they stared at each other across the roof of the car. Neither of them spoke. He seemed to be waiting for something. Her vicious pleasure evaporated. She didn’t want it to end like this either. Play with fire, and you’ll be burnt, said a voice inside her head. Kath turned away first.
‘I do love you, Kathy,’ he said as he got into the car. He drove off; stopping briefly at the corner to wave before the night swallowed him up.
‘I wish I could stop loving you.’
you’ve got a friend
‘You all right there, mate?’
‘Fine, thank you!’ Miles smiled at a group of people as they walked past, and wished he had chosen a less conspicuous place to wait.
‘Has the missus locked you out?’ Another voice called out.
‘Something like that,’ agreed Miles.
‘You been here since the pub closed?’
‘Nowhere else to go!’
‘Poor bugger, but I’ll bet you treat her better next time!’
‘I’ll do my best.’
Where the hell was she? He must be stark staring mad. What would he do if she came home with him? The boyfriend might beat him to a pulp. Miles shifted uncomfortably on the doorstep. Could he avoid a fight by pretending to be the doorman? What if he horsewhipped the bounder from his sight, pausing to catch Kath as she collapsed into his arms at his display of manly prowess?
Mile scowled and stood up in an explosion of clicking joints. Any collapsing was likely to be by him, which would serve him right for sitting on a damp doorstep for two hours. He rubbed feeling back into his numb arse and leaned against the door. He should go home and forget his pointless vigil, but he didn’t, and his reward turned up an hour later.
A shoe in each hand and head bowed, Kath trudged up the pavement, alone. He stood in the doorway as she tucked her shoes under one arm and fumbled around inside her handbag.
‘Kath.’
‘Who is it?’ A clenched fist with keys poking out between the fingers was thrust in his face. ‘Tony?’
Miles flinched at the hope in her voice. ‘Only Miles, sorry to disappoint.’
She lowered her hand. ‘What are you doing here at this time of night?’
‘I needed to see you. May I come in?’
Kath hesitated.
‘Please? I need to get warm again.’ If she let him in, it would be a sign he had a chance. The lyrics of an old Elvis song ran around his head: it’s now or never. She shoved the pair of shoes into his hands. Miles assumed this meant yes. A thought occurred to him. ‘Why aren’t you wearing these?’
‘Pain is quite cathartic.’ Kath opened the door and led the way upstairs to the kitchen. ‘This is my penance.’ She took her shoes from him and tossed them into a corner. ‘Nothing like a five-mile walk in high heels to focus the mind and sober you up. I had to take them off for the last mile, and my feet are torn to shreds.’
‘Is there anything I can do to help?’ He looked at her reddened face, but her puffy eyes refused to meet his.
‘Not particularly. What do you want to drink?’
‘Whisky and soda if possible, otherwise, anything.’
She fixed the drinks with short and precise movements. Miles ached for her, wanting to take her in his arms and soothe away her pain.
‘What is it, Kath? What’s the matter?’ He tried to catch her eye, but she wouldn’t look at him. She took her drink and curled up on the sofa like a wounded animal, the blood from her feet staining the cushions. Miles sat in the armchair. He waited for the silence stretching between them to reach breaking point.
‘I have made a total fool of myself,’ she finally said. ‘Been suckered and taken for the ride of my life.’
‘What happened?’
‘I loved someone who wanted to use me,’ she spat the words out as if they were burning her mouth. ‘Right up to the last minute I thought Tony would leave his wife for me, and now I know he never will.’
‘What makes you so sure?’ How could he be so elated with the love of his life in such a terrible state? Miles sipped his drink and worried in case his voice gave too much away.
‘Tony lied to me. He never told me about his first marriage or his other children. They are the same age as me! He also has a baby granddaughter, but that is not the worst of it. I don’t think he ever loved me.’ Kath slammed her glass down, sending a wave of whisky over the coffee table. ‘He just wanted a piece of fluff to make him feel young again.’ She grabbed a cushion to her chest and buried her face in it. ‘How stupid can you be?’ Her words were muffled by upholstery and choked by emotion, but she didn’t cry.
Miles poured more whiskey into her glass. He sat back and waited in silence as Kath pulled herself together. She put down the cushion and picked up her drink. ‘Thanks,’ she said and flopped back into the settee.
‘That’s OK,’ he said, wanting to say more but not knowing how.
‘Everything is such a mess.’ She plonked her feet in the pool of whiskey on the table. ‘Ow.’
‘You’re well into self-flagellation at the moment,’ said Miles. He risked a small smile.
‘I have had plenty of practice. Have you any idea what it is like to love someone who doesn’t want you?’
Yes, he wanted to say, I loved you from the moment I first saw you, and I wondered what it would be like to make you laugh. I couldn’t believe you would give me the time of day, but you smiled at me and laughed with me. I thought being friends would be enough, but I want us to be more because you are the answer to all my questions.
He opened his mouth, closed it, and eventually said, ‘I am well acquainted with the concept of unrequited love.’ He hoped the tone of his voice conveyed what he was too chicken to say.
Kath’s face was expressionless; she looked like an Easter Island statue.
‘Kath, I...’ Miles petered out and the muscles in his throat tensed. Now was not the time, Elvis might be right, it would be never.
‘Miles, have you seen Jenny since the night in Barry’s kitchen?’ Kath stared down at her drink.
‘I visited her last Sunday.’ He wondered where she was leading, hoping it was in the same direction he wanted to go.
‘You don’t come in with me anymore. I get the impression you are avoiding me.’ She raised her head, and her stare skewered him to the seat. ‘Why?’
He swallowed, definitely now or never, sang Elvis. ‘Something nearly happened at Barry’s,’ Miles began. ‘Something I wanted to happen for a long time since I first met you.’
‘Jenny was right.’ Kath spoke in a monotone voice.
At least she didn’t laugh or throw up at his words but what did this blandness mean? Miles felt oddly naked. This was like a job interview with him the over impressed, desperate to please interviewee and Kath as the impenetrable fortress of the interviewer. He wished she would give him some encouragement, but guessed the next step was up to him. Elvis leered and nudged his elbow. Go on, my son, he said. Miles took a deep breath.
‘I love you, Kathy.’
She reacted as if he had slapped her. She flinched and fell back into her chair with her mouth hanging open.
‘I don’t love you, not in the way I love Tony.’ The same flat voice again, which Miles couldn’t quite analyse because his pain wouldn’t let him.
‘Why did you wait so long to tell me?’
‘The time was never right.’
‘And it is now?’
Miles smiled. ‘I hope so, besides circumstances have forced my hand.’
‘Don’t you mean Jenny?’
‘It was because of Jenny I came back. I went away to try to forget you, but it didn’t work. Even far away in Aberdeen, I could hear your laughter.’
Kath gazed at him with a soft and watchful smile. ‘What made you think you stood a chance this time?’
‘Jenny wrote and told me you were seeing a married man.’ Kath winced. ‘I knew then I had to come back.’
‘What do you want to do now?’
‘That depends on what you want.’ Miles braced himself for the worst.
‘What I want? I’m not sure what I want. Maybe to be myself and stop trying to be what other people want me to be.’
‘I want you for what you are. I waited this long for you, and I’m prepared to wait as long as it takes if you’ll give me a chance.’
‘To be honest, I don’t think I have much left to give you,’ she sounded tired. ‘Please don’t try to rush anything; this is going to take me some getting used to.’
‘But you’ll give it a go?’
‘Why not?’
Not the best answer but at least she didn’t say no.
‘Kath, I promise not to hassle you into anything. I know it will take you time to get over him.’ Miles couldn’t bring himself to say Tony’s name. ‘You call the shots, and we move on when you want to.’
‘Can we start with a hug please?’ she asked in a small voice.
‘My pleasure,’ Miles spread his arms. Kath crept into his embrace and stayed there until her need for the loo got the better of her.
have yourself a merry little christmas
‘Smile though your heart is aching,’ Kath sang slightly off key as she admired her reflection in the mirror. The hat kept sliding down over one ear, so she stuffed more loo paper inside. She checked the corridor was clear before running up to the gents’ toilet.
‘Miles,’ she hammered on the door. ‘I’m going up to the labs. Are you ready?’
‘I’ll be out in a moment. I’m adjusting my bosom.’
Kath giggled and ran through the labs. She stopped to catch her breath before flinging open the door to the mess room.
‘Ta-DAH,’ she yelled and advanced into the centre of the room. ‘How do I look?’
‘Like a pillock.’ Neville stood laughing at her. He had a cheek considering the state of his costume, dungarees and an ill-fitting blazer.
‘Don’t be rude,’ a woman in a brown pinafore punched him in the leg. ‘I’m Mandy, Neville’s girlfriend. You must be Kath, but can I ask exactly who you are meant to be?’
‘Napoleon Bonaparte.’
Silence greeted this.
‘At least you’re short enough,’ said Neville. ‘We’ve come as American Gothic.’
‘Oh,’ said Kath, then after a pause, ‘the theme is gruesome twosomes, but I don’t get who you two are meant to be.’
‘It’s a famous painting,’ explained Neville, ‘of two people and they are as scary as this.’ He waved a pitchfork in her face.
‘Of course!’ Kath hoped the rest of her colleagues had not been as obscure with their choice of outfits for the annual fancy dress ball. She smiled at Mandy and Neville and asked them if they were all ready for Christmas. She ran out of small talk by the time Miles sashayed into the room. Kath noted he too looked a complete fright in yellow. He wore her hideous bridesmaid frock, along with a ratty looking wig. Coyly, he fluttered a fan in front of his over-made-up face.
‘Not tonight, Josephine,’ said Neville.
To Kath’s relief, the ball turned into a raging success. They missed getting the third prize, which went to Captain Ahab and Moby Dick (the head of accounts and her husband). The second was won by Mr & Mrs Andrews (one of the plant operators and his wife), with Neville and Mandy taking first. Kath felt like a right ignoramus because Miles had to explain what most of the costumes meant. She decided there was too much cultural one-upmanship going on and got outrageously drunk. The rest of the evening passed in a blur.
The taxi ride home sobered her up because this was the first time Miles had come back to her place after a night out. She didn’t offer him a place in her bed, and he didn’t hint he’d like to be there. True to his word, he waited, with extreme patience, for her to make the first move, but the thought of crossing that boundary scared her silly. How did you kiss your best mate passionately? What if she wasn’t worth the wait and Miles wanted nothing more to do with her afterwards? She could lose a friend and gain a boyfriend or lose both. But not tonight.
‘Goodnight, Josephine.’ Kath removed Miles’ wig and shoes and, with an effort, rolled him on to his side. She gave him a kiss on the forehead, slipped a cushion under his head and covered him with a blanket. Before she crept upstairs to bed, she put a glass of water and a bucket on the floor. Her guilt at leaving him on the sofa far outdone by the relief of not having to say no to him. And, it gave her another chance to mull over a letter she received from Tony that morning.
He apologised for his behaviour and asked if they could meet for a drink when he got back from America. Was this false hope or a fresh start? Why couldn’t she let him go? Her ridiculous infatuation with Tony was once again coming between her and another man, and this time Miles was the chosen one.
Thoughts of Miles evoked feelings of warm affection but nothing stronger. Their only passion came from a passion for life. Through Miles, Kath rediscovered the ability to find enjoyment from any situation both for herself and for those around her. If only he could help her exorcise the ghost of Tony.
‘I wish it could be Christmas every da-aa-ay...’
‘Shut up Dan, for goodness’ sake,’ Liz was losing her cool. An afternoon of sustained drinking making chinks in her usual supercilious air. ‘I’m going to join the Jehovah’s Witnesses next year then I won’t have to listen to any more of this crap.’
‘Bah! humbug, you old Scrooge,’ Dan ruffled her hair. ‘Come on, Lizzie, where’s your Christmas spirit?’
‘She’s gone and drunk it,’ Allie howled. Recovering from her mirth, she picked up her glass. It was empty. ‘Where is my bloody husband? How long does it take to get a drink these days?’
‘This is Christmas Eve, and the place is heaving. We just took ten minutes getting through the door.’ Dan flapped his hand in the general direction of the bar. ‘Looks like a rugby scrum up there. The staff are standing on the bar to serve.’
‘Not the best idea sending the shortest person to buy a round of drinks for eight,’ observed Miles. ‘And before you say anything, I’m too drunk to move. Kath and I have been here since eleven.’
‘Yup, we’ve seen off Jim, David and Julie,’ said Kath.
‘Come on, wifey.’ Dan nudged Sue in the ribs. ‘We’ve got some catching up to do. If Mickey ever gets back with the booze.’ He scrabbled around the table hoping to find an unnoticed pint.
‘So here’s the beer, Merry Christmas...’
‘Mickey, at last!’ Allie did a double take. ‘Where are the drinks? This could be grounds for divorce.’
‘Fear not, my precious, our marriage will last another day.’
Mickey cleared the table with an imperious sweep of the hand and dumped his briefcase down. ‘Drum roll, please.’ He beat a tattoo on the case and flipped the lid open with a flourish to reveal a dozen cans of strong lager.
‘Darling, I love you,’ cooed Allie. ‘Where did they come from?’
‘Tesco!’
‘You are on a promise tonight, husband of mine.’
‘Even though this little lot wiped out the kitty?’
‘Crap, we’ve only just got here.’ Dan pulled his wallet out. ‘Another fiver each should do the trick.’
‘I’ll go,’ Miles grabbed the money.
‘My hero,’ Kath toasted him as he fought his way through the throng.
‘I’m so glad you and Miles got together at last,’ Sue had tears in her eyes.
‘You make such a lovely couple,’ Allie added.
‘A couple of what?’ said Kath.
They found it hilarious and laughed like hyenas, which roused Liz from her drunken stupor.
‘What’s so funny?’ she demanded. ‘No one ever laughs like that with me.’ Too much alcohol always made Liz belligerent.
‘We are laughing at the joy of being alive,’ Kath told her. ‘By the way, how’s the karate?’
Liz demonstrated by punching a beer can across the table. It hit the wall sending up a fountain of export froth.
‘Wheee, did you see that?’ Liz crowed, impressed at her own prowess. ‘Karate’s fun, I like it a lot. You don’t know what you’re missing, Kath.’
Despite the drink, there remained much of Liz’s old enigmatic self. Kath decided to ignore her. This looked like a dangerous topic of conversation. She turned to John, but he was beyond the stage of rational thought let alone talk. ‘Liz, you need to do something about your husband.’
‘Time to go home, teddy is ready for beddy.’ Liz shook him awake, picked up two of the lagers and hauled John to his feet. She whispered something in his ear, which made him laugh and blush. Kath doubted he would be capable of anything Liz suggested by the time they got home.
She was about to share her observation when she realised no one would be interested. Allie and Sue were talking about curtains and wallpaper while Dan and Mickey discussed white skirting boards versus natural wood stain. Is this what domesticity did to people? Kath took a swig of lager and wished Miles would hurry back; she needed his extravagant madness to clear her head. This kind of talk reminded her of her dreams of a life with Tony and the cosy love nest she built for them in her imagination.
Miles returned with the kitty blown on two bottles of champagne and some plastic cups. He opened them under the table. The bar staff were already throwing suspicious glances in their direction.
‘A quiet toast,’ proposed Miles. ‘To absent friends, and may all our Christmas wishes come true.’
‘Amen.’ Kath gave Miles’ hand a squeeze.
Talk and booze dried up, and they sat in a companionable silence until the bar staff called time at three.
‘Come on, Allie,’ Mickey hoisted her out of the chair. ‘We need to catch our train home.’
‘Can we take a taxi?’ Allie said and then smacked herself on the forehead. ‘Forget I said that. Flag down a taxi on Christmas Eve, I must be drunk!’
‘She’s got a point, Sue.’ Dan checked his watch. ‘Our bus is due in ten minutes. Goodbye everyone and have yourselves a merry little Christmas.’