by Andy Marlow
butted a particular place in the wall and out fell a pair of glasses, landing squarely on his face in perfect position.
“And why are you at war?” he asked authoritatively. “Come, sit down.” He indicated two golden couches on the balcony where he beckoned Bluebeard and the ninja to sit. Confused, they obeyed still- for this was a beast who had until moments before been eating their troops. A beast of such power does not like to be disobeyed.
“Don’t worry, I have a doctorate in psychology from the university of Edinburgh,” he reassured them. “I’m quite qualified to sort out problems of this type.”
“Problems of this type?” queried Bluebeard. “What in blazes are you on about?”
The dinosaur smiled. “Ah, Captain Bluebeard, I see you have a problem with anger. Is that what caused this little scuffle today?”
“Little scuffle? It was all-out war, man! Many good people died today!”
“Then it’s best that we sort the issues out, isn’t it? Now, why are your peoples fighting today?”
“A woman,” admitted Hirosaki. “Liu. She was kidnapped from my village many years ago and I came to take her back.”
“She was rescued, you lump!” yelled Bluebeard. “Your horrible lot were treating her like a slave.”
“Now, now, settle down,” calmed the dinosaur. “Is this woman here today?”
“Yes, you brute, she’s the one you picked up; the reason we started fighting you,” said Bluebeard.
“Oh. Crumbs. I hope I didn’t eat her,” mused the dinosaur. “I get ever so forgetful. Erm- ah, yes, I put her in here,” and he reached into a kangaroo-style pouch in his belly and pulled her out. She was characteristically calm, currently in some sort of trance.
“I think we can sort this out simply enough. Liu, would you rather go home with the nice mister Hirosaki here, or continue being a pirate with Captain Bluebeard here?”
Liu looked at her questioner wordlessly, happily. “Bluebeard, of course,” she replied.
Hirosaki looked heart-broken. He sank into his chair and almost became smaller, as if trying to bury himself in the fabric so nobody could see him.
“Now, now, Hirosaki, it’s not the end of the world,” cooed the dinosaur. “I’ll give you a hug if you like.”
The ninja leader shook his head vociferously.
“Fair enough. Now are there any other issues between your two peoples?”
“The gold,” growled Bluebeard. “I want it back.”
“That chest contains some of my people’s greatest treasures,” protested the ninja. “I cannot return home without them.”
“Very well, then,” resolved the dinosaur. “Bluebeard, you can have your treasure back- once Hirosaki has taken out what belongs to him. Okay?”
Bluebeard was horrified, but there was little he could do against such reason, and in such a powerful beast too. He nodded reluctantly and agreed to the terms.
“Now, we haven’t really covered anything psychological, have we?” mused Steve. “I must say it makes my degree a little useless. Anything else you’d like to discuss? Sexual problems, for example?”
The pirate and the ninja’s eyes grew wide in disbelief. Both mumbled “no” at the creature’s strange offer and asked if they could be excused from his couches.
“But of course!” roared the dinosaur. “I think we’ve come very far today, don’t you? Now how about we go to the pub to celebrate?”
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The End
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