“What”—she heaved through two breaths—“was that?”
He grinned at her. The man who might be announcing his engagement at a ball in less than a week, but had kissed another woman just now, grinned.
She wanted to kick him.
“In India, we called that a kiss. I think that’s an English word, so it shouldn’t need translating.”
No, she didn’t want to kick him. She was going to bring one—no, both!—of the horses over here and let them do the kicking.
She didn’t know what she felt, didn’t even know what she thought. There was a question swirling about in her brain, and she couldn’t hold on to it long enough to form it into words, so she simply spat out, “Lady Rebecca.”
He winced.
Then he sighed.
Then he stood.
What he didn’t do was tell her that he’d told Lady Rebecca he wasn’t going to be seeking her out anymore.
“I would like to return to the stable now. Actually, no, I’d like to go home. You can send Owen to collect the horse.” She shook her head. “The groom is smarter than I am. He knew I shouldn’t stay out here alone with you.”
She stomped toward the horses, a sudden burn in her eyes telling her that her departure wasn’t going to happen quickly enough.
Especially since she couldn’t mount up without his help.
“Bianca, I didn’t plan this.”
She coughed out a mirthless laugh. “No. I should think not.”
“Bianca, please turn around.”
“No.” If she did, she’d cry. She was going to cry anyway, but if she was very, very lucky and got on this horse very, very soon, she might be able to do it in private.
Never in her entire life had she ever thought a kiss could be like that. That it could feel like riding a fabled winged horse through the clouds while the best musicians in the world played along.
And now she would have to live with never experiencing it again.
“Bianca, I’m going to talk to Lady Rebecca.” He sighed. “I didn’t expect . . . I didn’t realize . . . I did some thinking last night, and . . .”
No. He was not going to give her hope. She’d waited for someone like him for years without realizing she was waiting, and then he’d chosen another, so she’d resigned herself to someone else.
Only now she didn’t even have that, did she? A life with Mr. Mead had looked bad enough before. How much more so now?
And Hudson had gone and ruined everything on a whim? A spur-of-the-moment thought? An unexpected indulgence?
“When you decide how to finish one of those sentences, let me know.” She took a shaky breath and gritted her teeth. Finally, she was able to squeak out, “In the meantime, help me onto this horse.”
Unfortunately, there was no way to get on the horse that didn’t involve her facing him and him putting his hands on her.
The moment was as disastrous as she’d feared.
As soon as his hands touched her waist, her control slipped and the tears poured out.
He wrapped her in his arms. “I’ll make everything right, I promise.”
She shook her head, wiping her tears and who-only-knew-what-else on his jacket. “Do you even know what you want?”
“Do you?” he countered. “I’m not the only one who has been making different plans for their life in the last few weeks.”
“I only made mine because you made yours,” she yelled into his chest. She really hadn’t meant to tell him that. She sniffled and pushed away from him. “Put me on the horse, Hudson. Now.”
He lifted her up onto the saddle, but his hands remained in place. “Can I call on you tomorrow?”
Would she be ready to face him? Would she know how she felt? Shouldn’t she decide what she wanted before listening to him?
“I’ll let you know,” she said. Then she gathered up the reins and rode away.
THE ONE BENEFIT to years of practice sneaking around the house and avoiding her stepmother was that she knew how to get to her room without anyone the wiser.
Once there, she flopped across the bed and piled her pillows, her blanket, and even her dressing gown on top of her head so that she could sob without anyone knowing. The last thing she needed at this moment was some form of motherly advice that wasn’t the least bit maternal.
When there were no more tears, she crawled out from under the soft mountain and draped herself on top of it, staring at her ceiling as the shadows shifted through the day.
Had Hudson kissed her two weeks ago, she’d have been thrilled, but time and again she’d seen him in the company of Lady Rebecca, and they’d looked so perfect. It hadn’t been a long time, but who needed time when the match made such sense?
Who needed time when it was right?
But was it right? Could Hudson kiss Bianca like that and still want to marry Lady Rebecca? If he did, then he wasn’t the man she thought he was, and it was a good thing he was marrying someone else because she’d fallen in love with a man that didn’t exist.
Love? Was she really in love with Hudson? It had been three weeks. Could someone fall in love in three weeks?
Maybe.
If they’d spent their whole life waiting, subconsciously looking for the other half of themselves and never, ever finding it, it wouldn’t take much to recognize it when it appeared.
Or did she want love so badly that she’d made Hudson something he wasn’t?
How in the world was she supposed to determine that?
There were no answers in the night, nothing but more questions. She was so very tired of questions. Why couldn’t God just tell her what she was supposed to do?
The last time she’d asked for a sign, Lord Rigsby had come riding by. Obviously, he was no longer an option, even if she was willing to balance him and Aaron—which, honestly, she wasn’t. She’d never do that to her friend. It would have been nice to have been given the choice, though.
Instead, it had been Lord Rigsby who’d walked away.
Maybe Bianca wasn’t very good at determining signs.
“God, is it too much just to not want to be alone anymore? I want somebody to talk to, to share stories with, to laugh and enjoy life with. Someone who will care if I don’t show up to something.”
The truth was, she wasn’t the smart choice of wife for Hudson. Her dowry was decent, but he didn’t need money, and if he did, what she brought wouldn’t be enough.
Of course, when looked at that way, she wasn’t a good choice for any of the men she’d been spending so much time thinking about. A practical marriage required she have something practical to offer.
Finally, mentally exhausted and unsure, she fell asleep.
Some time later, Dorothy was shaking her awake. “Miss Snowley, please wake up. You’ve got a visitor, and we need to make you presentable. I didn’t even know you’d gotten home.”
“What?”
Bianca sluggishly blinked awake as Dorothy tugged her from the bed.
“There’s a man downstairs to see you, and Mrs. Snowley’s about got the house in shambles over it. I need you to change clothes right now.”
Dorothy was already tugging at Bianca’s clothing, loosening tapes and ties and dragging her riding habit off.
The skirt was still dropping to the ground as the maid slipped another dress over Bianca’s head. “Arms in sleeves, if you please, miss.”
“Who’s downstairs?”
“Now your hair.”
“Ow!” Bianca jerked sideways as Dorothy jabbed a pin into Bianca’s head.
“I don’t have time to fix the curls. I’ll just rearrange them.”
Three jabs later, she was tugging Bianca toward the door and down the corridor.
Bianca nearly tripped down the steps as the maid gave her a little push. As much as she wanted to slow her descent to an elegant crawl, curiosity had her hastening her step.
Was it Hudson?
Did she want it to be?
It wasn’t Hudson.
It
was Lord Brimsbane.
“HAVE YOU DECIDED to take up residence in the stables, then? The round house finally chased you out?”
Hudson didn’t even flinch from his position near the end of the stable aisle, looking from box stall to box stall at his thoroughbreds. Contrary to what his staff likely thought, he wasn’t in a total stupor. He still heard the grooms moving about, heard the horses, and, most of all, heard his own thoughts.
And those scared him.
“Wasn’t the round house,” he said before turning his head to look at Aaron. “Might have been you, though.”
“Me? I haven’t even been here.” Aaron leaned against the stall wall and propped one booted foot against it while he crossed his arms. Athena nudged at his head through the stall bars.
“It took me an hour to break free of all the congratulations yesterday,” Hudson said. “Davers even invited me to the pub, and I thought the man hated me.”
Aaron shrugged one shoulder. “Doesn’t mean he likes you. Things are different on the Heath. Lord Davers even talks to me on race days, though I often wish he wouldn’t.”
“Hmmm.” Hearing that what went on in the assembly room didn’t necessarily carry over to the turf gave Hudson a new perspective, one that gave him a little more peace about what he was trying to get up the courage to do.
He took a deep breath and said, “If I don’t ask Lady Rebecca to marry me—”
“Praise God,” Aaron murmured.
Hudson snapped his gaze from the horse to Aaron. “Really? You dislike the idea that strongly?”
“I’ve never thought it was your best plan, no.”
“Why didn’t you say something?”
Aaron shook his head, laughing silently. “Hudson, I just met you.”
“I’ve just met all of these people, and it feels like the rest of them are running my life.”
Aaron pushed off the wall and gestured toward one of the grooms. “And why do you care what they think of you? That’s the most finicky beast you’ll ever ride. Trust me.”
“My whole life I’ve been waiting for this moment, when I would be here doing what I’d been born to do. I have to be successful at this.”
“I don’t see any reason why you won’t be.” He opened Hades’s stall door and grabbed the saddle the groom brought up. “The thing is, whose definition of success are you going to use?”
Aaron placed the saddle over the back of the horse and efficiently set about securing it. “Why do you think the Jockey Club doesn’t let just anyone in? Even as a small group they have difficulty deciding what time the races should be. If it were open to public debate, nothing would get done.”
“Are you saying my life needs a committee to run it?” Hudson asked as he took the bridle and gave the horse a good scratch behind the ears before sliding it on.
“I’m saying everyone’s life has a committee. You need to decide who’s on yours.” Aaron gave the cinch a final tug and then propped an arm across the horse’s back to look directly at Hudson. “And who isn’t.”
Hudson took the reins and mounted the horse. He knew what he was going to do, could feel a peace about the decision, even through the fear that it wouldn’t go well, that it would change the direction of his life.
But maybe that was a good thing?
Lord, help my unbelief. This was the right thing to do. Lady Rebecca would make a wonderful wife, of that there was no question, but he couldn’t see them building a life together. They would each have good lives that simply existed next to each other.
It was what everyone expected him to do.
That didn’t mean it was the best thing to do.
Aaron had asked him why he wanted to marry Lady Rebecca, and the truth was he didn’t. He was simply scared not to, and that was a terrible reason to make such an important decision.
It was time to set both of them free to find something better.
Thirty-Four
Lady Rebecca took the news far better than her father.
It might have been the happiest Hudson had ever seen her.
“You won’t find anyone better, boy,” Lord Gliddon said, not even bothering to hide behind his paper or in the corner. In fact, the three of them were standing in the man’s study. Hudson could only assume they’d thought he’d come for an entirely different reason, which was understandable, given the past few weeks.
“It’s not about finding someone better than Lady Rebecca,” Hudson said carefully, not wanting to insult the lady or her father.
He just didn’t want to marry her.
“Don’t tell me this is about love,” the earl grumbled.
Was it? Hudson hadn’t really considered that, since love had never been a part of his expectations for life. But was that what he was looking for?
“Don’t you think there should be some love in a marriage?” Hudson asked, giving the man a pointed look. Was he really going to stand there in front of his daughter and say that love wasn’t important? Was he going to say he didn’t love his wife?
Perhaps he didn’t.
But Hudson knew that life with Bianca would be far different from life with Lady Rebecca, and that extra connection that love brought just might be the difference.
It was a difference Hudson wanted, and he wanted it enough to put his definition of success on the auction block. It was time to change goals from those that had been set for him to those he truly wanted.
He took a deep breath. “Lady Rebecca, you are a lovely young lady and marrying you would be an honor, but I know both of us could have a better life than that.”
“Thank you,” she said softly and glanced at her father before dropping her eyes to the floor.
“Lord Gliddon, I won’t put you on the spot by asking about Hezekiah right now, but perhaps a conversation could be had in the future?”
“Perhaps it could, boy. Perhaps it could.” Lord Gliddon shook his head. “You remind me of your father right now.”
There wasn’t much Lord Gliddon could have said that would surprise Hudson more. “I do?”
“When he went off to India with that bride of his, he said as long as she was with him he could find people to fill the rest of his life with.” Lord Gliddon nodded at Hudson. “You’re standing here today a fine man, so I guess he did well enough, but I can’t imagine starting over like he did.”
Neither could Hudson, but he was ready to try.
Lord Gliddon sighed and gave his daughter a sad look. “It’s a shame. It would have been nice to make two announcements that night.”
“Two, my lord?”
Lady Rebecca’s smile tightened. “Arthur isn’t home right now. He’s paying a very important call.”
Where Hudson had felt strong and sure before, his world felt like it was caught in a sudden monsoon.
Was he going to be too late?
BIANCA HAD NEVER considered herself a coward, but she hid for the next three days. She didn’t go to the assembly, didn’t come down for callers, even thought of pretending to be sick and missing church.
She knew Hudson had tried to come by at least once, but Dorothy had obeyed Bianca’s instructions instead of Mrs. Snowley’s and said Bianca was indisposed.
But now it was Monday, and she couldn’t hide anymore. Even if she’d wanted to, she couldn’t miss the ball.
She had a decision to make, and she’d promised to make it by tonight. The truth was she made her decision three days ago. She just needed the courage to admit it.
Mrs. Snowley looked grim as the family gathered in the front hall to depart for the ball. “I suppose you’re happy with yourself.”
Was she? Yes, actually, she was.
“Don’t get too settled. Things could still go differently than you expect tonight.” Her grim frown eased into a wicked smile. “You never know what could happen at a ball.”
Bianca looked from Mrs. Snowley to Marianne, who was also looking strangely determined, given that they were going to what was sure to be one of the finest, most
exclusive gatherings of the year.
“What are you planning to do?”
“Me?” Mrs. Snowley asked. “What makes you think I’m planning anything? I’m simply anticipating having my daughter’s future settled.”
It looked like Bianca could add one more thing to her list of concerns for the night.
HUDSON STOOD to the side of the ballroom, watching the door, waiting for her arrival. It had been the longest three days of his life, and that was including the time he’d spent on the ship from India.
He glanced over the dance floor to make sure he hadn’t missed her coming in. It was easy to pick out Lady Rebecca as she danced with Oliver. She looked relaxed as she talked through the dance. He thought she might have even laughed. That was good. She should be happy.
His happiness wasn’t on the dance floor, though, at least not yet. Hopefully he could get her there during the next waltz.
When she finally arrived, he thought his breath might fall out of his body. The dress she wore displayed her beauty and personality in a way that jolted him to the core.
Her family disappeared behind a cluster of people. In moments, Mrs. Snowley and Miss Marianne emerged, but not Bianca. Where had she gone?
Hudson started moving toward where he’d last seen her. A door was behind the group she’d vanished into. Had she left the ballroom already? Why leave so soon after arriving?
A footman entered through the door with a note in his hand. As he crossed the floor and handed the note to Lord Brimsbane, a sinking feeling hit Hudson’s middle.
He hoped it was simply a coincidence, but what if it wasn’t?
Lord Brimsbane frowned at the paper and glanced at the windows that overlooked the large garden and then nodded at the footman before stuffing the note into his pocket. He hastily made his excuses and started moving toward the door.
What if the note was from her? What if she hadn’t told Brimsbane no yet? What if she’d told him yes? What if she had waited until tonight to answer?
What if the note had absolutely nothing to do with her and following Brimsbane would make Hudson the rudest and nosiest of guests?
Vying for the Viscount Page 29