Heart Ripper

by K. A. Merikan

  The heat of the summer sun didn’t ease the burning all over his skin. He took a deep breath and leaned against the wall of the church, looking down at his phone in desperation yet again.

  [Hey, it’s David. Do you think we could maybe talk?] he texted Raja after a few minutes of writing and deleting.

  His face flushed with heat when, after a few seconds, he saw the dots indicating that Raja was writing somewhere out there, thinking about the same thing David was. He swallowed when the dots disappeared, then appeared again. Was there a faulty connection somewhere between them? David’s heart skipped a beat, and he clenched the phone in his sweaty hands.

  “Come on… answer me,” he whined, but after a few times, the dots disappeared altogether, an indication that even Raja abandoned him from so far away.

  David took a few deep breaths when his vision got blurry, but it didn’t help. He was in a sinkhole, and nothing would ever help him out again. Tears dripped down his cheeks.

  “David? What are you doing here?” called out a soft, familiar voice, which for once didn't calm David down. He pushed his back harder against the wall and quickly brushed the tears away before they could be seen.

  Father Joseph approached him from the clergy house, with his smooth voice and gentle smile. He was young, blond, and the whole parish loved him indiscriminately for his way with lost teenagers, and his acoustic guitar skills, which he never failed to demonstrate during church gatherings. David had had some emotional conversations with him last year at the youth camp organized by the church.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, I just… the sermon, and I— it was all too much,” David mumbled and took a deep breath, looking up at Father Joseph with a smile that he could bet looked fake.

  The priest’s warm brown eyes settled on David, and he looked around, concern twisting his mouth. “Do you want to talk? We could have some juice if you’d like,” he said, gesturing toward the clergy house.

  David took a deep breath and looked to the church door. The mass was still ongoing. “I’d like that, if it’s not too much of a hassle.”

  Father Joseph smiled and gave David’s shoulder a squeeze, pulling him toward the white building behind the church. The wind swept his cassock against David’s calf, only reminding David that he was in a safe space. Father Joseph never once said a mean word about anyone. He was understanding and always preached that God wanted his children to be happy first and foremost. They were good friends, even texted sometimes. Surely Father Joseph could offer him advice that an older priest could not.

  “Not at all. I’m there for you. Did something bad happen at home?” he asked gently as they walked past a green fence and into the clergy house.

  “No, it’s just that with high school over, I need to choose what to do next. And I’m over eighteen, I need to grow up, I need to make something of myself, but I don’t know which direction to take. It’s like I’m torn apart with what my parents want, what my friends are advising, what my brother’s saying…” David shook his head, unable to choke out what was really bothering him most.

  Father Joseph’s room was on the first floor, so they quickly closed the door behind them and sat across from each other at a small table by the window. David liked how cozy the place was—with limited space but lots of books and warm colors. Father Joseph was always so serene and happy with his life, and being in here with him made David think once again that maybe joining the clergy could be a path for him to consider. A priest’s life was not worry free, but there was at least no expectation of marriage, and he could imagine the community of like-minded men would suit him in the future.

  Father Joseph smiled at him from across the table and poured orange juice into two clear glasses. “You are eighteen. That went quick, huh?”

  David leaned over the table with a sigh. “Things were much easier when I was younger.” He looked up into Father Joseph’s eyes, still evaluating if his issues were even appropriate to bring up.

  The priest drank some juice and nodded. “What everyone needs to understand at some point in their lives is that we need to follow what feels right. Our families and friends want the best for us, but that doesn’t mean they actually know what is best for us. Have I told you that my parents didn’t want me to become a priest?”

  “They didn’t? Why?” David was happy with the distraction. He was burning to check his phone and see if maybe Raja wrote him back after all. Then again, the phone was a dead lump in his pocket and hadn’t vibrated since a few minutes ago.

  Father Joseph smiled and leaned back in the chair. “They thought I would make myself unhappy. That I would miss out on having children, and that I’d have to move around whenever the bishop tells me to. But here I am, and I can’t imagine being happier if I chose a different walk of life. Whatever you do, you must stay true to yourself.”

  David swallowed and took a deep breath. “I failed to secure a place in college, and I haven’t told my parents yet, but the worst thing is I’m not even unhappy about it. I didn’t want to do accounting in the first place. But I don’t know what else to do with myself either. Most of my friends from school will be moving away, and I feel like the odd one out.”

  Father Joseph sighed and reached across the table to clasp his hand over David’s forearm. “Did you neglect your studies on purpose?”

  “No, I tried, but I just wasn’t good enough, and I was doing other things. I was trying to get better at playing piano, but what I’m actually good at is… running. And that’s so pathetic. What kind of life skill is that if I’m can’t make the cut for professional sports either?” David sighed, now wondering if maybe his interest in running has been because of Coach Teller all along. David never had reactions as visceral to guys his age as he had to… men. Older. Bearded. With hot, rough fingers and an attitude. Men who knew what they wanted and exuded confidence. Men like Raja.

  Father Joseph tapped his fingers against the table. “What about gardening? You seem to enjoy it whenever you help out around the church.”

  Just thinking about that made David smile. “I do like it. I’ve always helped out my mom, and I’ve got this whole notebook of when things bloom, and what I did with them, and if it worked. It’s just… Mom would say it’s not a real job.”

  Father Joseph actually rolled his eyes, and it made David smile, even if just a bit. “Your mother is a lovely woman, and we all appreciate her engagement in the matters of the parish, but she can be a bit too conservative sometimes. If it brings money, it’s definitely a job.”

  David imagined a life where he would tend to plants all day long, and it didn’t seem all that bad of a perspective. “I love my parents, but they are a bit too much. I…” David looked to the cross on the wall and quickly back to Father Joseph. “I’m having all these feelings that they wouldn’t understand.”

  “You need to talk to them. They can’t force you into a career you don’t want.”

  “They think I’m the responsible one. One of my brothers is a Satanist, and the other is travelling around the world with his girlfriend, with no stability. I’m supposed to be the good son, but I’m not.” David took a deep breath, still not ready to spill his dirty soul all over the priest’s table. “I have all these sinful thoughts, and they’ve just been getting more frequent recently. Is God testing me? I’m trying so hard to be the best person I can be.”

  The smile dropped from Father Joseph’s lips, and he leaned forward, watching David with caution. “I think it’s a normal thing for most young men your age to experience something similar. But if those thoughts appear in your mind on their own, it’s not a mortal sin. They don’t make you a bad person.”

  “They do, because I’m thinking about guys,” David blurted out, too ashamed to look up. “I try to think about girls, about someone who could be my wife in the future, but then it always degenerates. I don’t even notice when, and it’s men on my mind. And I can’t tell anyone.” He took a shaky breath.

  The room went completely silent, and all he wante
d was to crawl underneath the floor and cry, but instead of scolding David, Father Joseph squeezed his hand gently.

  “David, look at me,” he said, and when David obeyed, the depth of sympathy he saw in the gray gaze made his eyes well up as the priest continued. “It’s not your fault. I know you haven’t been seeking this out, so it must be the cross our Lord gave you to bear.”

  David grabbed on to Father Joseph’s hand as if it were his lifeline. “But why me? I’ve done everything right, and my parents raised me in a godly home, and… I’m a good person,” he uttered in the end. His breath caught in his throat when Father Joseph leaned forward and cupped his face with his soft hand, brushing off a tear that trickled down David’s cheek.

  “It’s not the end of the world. You could think of it as a blessing in disguise, really. You should not have your own family if you don’t want to be with a woman, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy. And our Lord wants us to be that, first and foremost. He loves all his children.”

  David nodded slowly, realizing that deep down, he wasn’t expecting this kind of reassurance. He was ready for Father Joseph to despise him and give him some kind of penance, not offer his support. “Even if I have these… wrong thoughts?”

  “The world doesn’t look favorably on men like you, but you could become a priest yourself, or you could live a layman’s life and possibly find some quiet happiness on your own. We all deserve something from our lives, David,” Father Joseph said, gently massaging David’s face with his fingers. It felt oddly like a caress.

  “A part of me really wants these things.” And even more so since he’d tasted the forbidden fruit. “Do you think I could be happy this way?”

  “Of course you can, but only with a man you can trust. Who won’t just use and discard you,” said Father Joseph, petting David’s cheek gently. His upper teeth pulled on his bottom lip as he watched David, a strange tension between them appearing out of nowhere.

  David instantly thought back to Raja who wouldn’t even return his text. “I don’t know if there are men like that out there. All gay men want is just sex.”

  “That is not true. Look at yourself. Don’t you think there are godly men out there who are looking for true companionship?”

  “I don’t think I’m the best example. I don’t even know what I am myself.” David searched for understanding in Father Joseph’s eyes.

  “But I know,” said the priest, leaning closer over the table, until the sun hit his face through the net curtain. “You are a young man, who is worthy of love, no matter what others tell you.”

  “And you really think there’s nothing wrong with these kind of… urges?”

  “Not if you keep them very discreet.” Father Joseph slowly raised David’s hand to his lips. They felt warm and soft on David’s skin, nothing like the burning passion of Raja’s grabby hands.

  David swallowed, unsure of what was happening all of a sudden. “Wh-what do you mean?” Was his mind even processing this correctly? Was he being cheered up, or was that an actual kiss on his fingers?

  Father Joseph pierced him with the same eyes that could keep the attention of several hundred people during mass. “I like you, David. Very much.”

  “Are you gay?” David’s eyes went as wide as saucers, and his heart started pounding. This couldn’t be happening. His whole world was spinning out of control. Had he stepped into a different dimension? Everything had been normal yesterday before he met Raja.

  Father Joseph let go of his hand and looked out the window. “Do we really need to label everything so arbitrarily? We need to believe that God leads us to the things we need.”

  David pulled his hands into his lap, desperate to check his phone. “I suppose…” he mumbled.

  “David, your secret is safe with me. I thought you always enjoyed my company. You are lost, and I could help you.”

  “How?”

  Father Joseph slowly rose from the chair and walked up to David, standing so close to him that the cassock was tickling David’s pinky. He stopped breathing, and his body hair bristled when the priest’s warm hand pushed up his nape and into his hair. “I could show you that this could be loving and respectful.”

  David got up from the chair so fast it fell over, and he backed away a few steps. The déjà vu of Raja sitting him on the toilet seat and sliding his fingers into David’s hair was so vivid he could taste Raja’s cum on his tongue. There was nothing loving or respectful about what he did yesterday, yet he still craved more. But not from Father Joseph who was supposedly someone to safely confide in!

  “I… I think I need to go.”

  Father Joseph looked at him for a moment, then smiled and finished his juice. “There’s no need to be so nervous. I know this is confusing, but if you need consolation or some reassurance, you know where to find me.”

  “Yes, thank you for talking to me. I think my parents will be out by now.” David said and went to the door, even more confused.

  Father Joseph’s voice was like a drop of sap rolling down his back.

  “Hope to see you soon, David.”

  David gave him a quick smile and waved his hand as he walked out, making a mental note to delete Father Joseph’s number from his phone. David was ninety percent sure he just got hit on. By a priest. It was all his fault. He was some strange pretty cobweb, glistening with morning dew and attracting unsuspecting victims. He couldn’t let Father Joseph fall into such a trap. It was enough that David got tempted, a man of the cloth didn’t need to be as well.

  He rushed outside just in time to see the attendees leave the church after mass. He sped up and stood by the main exit, trying to breathe calmly, to not alarm his parents. His heart buzzed so hard he was slowly getting nauseated from the stress of it. There was something wrong with him if he attracted this kind of attention. Maybe he moved the wrong way, maybe his voice was too soft-spoken? He couldn’t wait until they were back home, and he could retire into the safety of his own room, even if just for half an hour before Mom served lunch.

  “David, where have you been?” asked Dad, who frowned at him, pulling David toward a stone-covered staircase, which led to a parking lot at the foot of a hill where the church was. Mom and Amy, David’s younger sister, waited for them, looking back impatiently.

  “I was just talking to Father Joseph.” David faked a smile, more shaken by what had happened as the seconds passed. His father was the image of what he wanted to be one day - still fit, always clean-shaven and dressed in tidy, conservative clothes. Father would never have any of the thoughts that were plaguing David.

  “What’s that face?” asked Mom as they calmly descended down the stairs, following the crowd. She was very petite, which made her appear younger than she was despite the big glasses she wore even though they were long out of fashion. “You’re feeling ill, aren’t you? You should have worn a sweater last night.”

  David looked at his button-up short-sleeve and slim brown slacks rolled up to expose the ankles. “No, no, I’m fine. Maybe let’s talk in the car, okay?” The conversation with Father Joseph had pushed him to the edge. He needed to make a decision and take his life into his own hands.

  He glanced at his phone as he got into the car. Nothing. Because he was a nothing to Raja. David had been a receptacle for spunk for that handsome beast. David didn’t think he could ever be as ashamed of himself as he’d been yesterday when Hunter introduced him to Raja minutes after the sex, but the lack of answer was so much worse.

  Father started the car, and they began the drive back home. Even the cute video game Amy was playing next to him on a tablet couldn’t make David smile today, and he looked out of the window.

  “When will you be leaving for college?” asked Mom from the front seat.

  “That’s right,” said Father. “You need to start thinking about the things you want to take with you. Just remember that you’ll share a room, so there’s plenty you’ll need to leave behind.”

  David swallowed hard, trying n
ot to look into his father’s eyes in the rearview mirror. He hadn’t gotten into any of the colleges he chose, and frankly, it was because he applied to colleges that he had no chances of being accepted to. Then he missed the deadline for a second chance recruitment, and he was really starting to think he forgot about sending out the forms on purpose... even though he hadn’t done so consciously. Was that what self-sabotaging was? The truth was that he had no idea what he wanted to do in life yet, and so college seemed like a waste of time at this point. He tried to talk to his parents about this, but when they started pushing the idea of David following in his father’s footsteps and becoming an accountant, he decided not to mention it again. He wasn’t even good at maths.

  But the worst thing was that he knew there would be pushback from his parents so he lied to them. For all they knew, he was awarded a sports scholarship and would be starting college in the fall. Yet another lie, yet another reason to be ashamed of himself. He had been so greedy to drink up all Raja had to offer, and now thinking about it was making him nauseated.

  “I should get an email about it soon. But I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

  “What is it Davey?” asked Mom, looking back with a sweet smile.

  “I’m out of high school, summer is just starting, and I wanted to try something new. To get a summer job, get more independent. I’m gonna need that in college.” He hated lying to them so bad his tongue ached, but he was too afraid of being a disappointment.

  Mom frowned slightly, but Father looked back at David in the rearview mirror. “That’s actually a very good idea. I mean, working for a charity is amazing, but I think it is time for you to get some savings. You will need your own car when you go to college.”

  David smiled with a bit of relief. If he found a job and became more independent, the fact that he’d failed to secure a place at a college should be less of a blow to his parents when he came clean about it. “I was actually talking about this with Hunter yesterday, and he said I could stay with him and Asty as long as I helped out with the baby.” Yet another shameful lie, but he was sure his brother and his girlfriend would agree, and since they lived in the city, there would be more opportunities for David there anyway. He wouldn’t be cooped up with his parents like a kid. And the possibility of seeing Raja again was not an incentive at all. Raja was a mistake David needed to put behind him.