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Well, yes, said Tomjon. All day.
Youve come too far, said Granny. Go back about two miles, and take the track on the right, past the stand of pines.
Wimsloe tugged at Tomjons shirt.
When you m-meet a m-mysterious old lady in the road, he said, youve got to offer to s-share your lunch. Or help her across the r-river.
You have?
Its t-terribly b-bad luck not to.
Tomjon gave Granny a polite smile.
Would you care to share our lunch, good mo – old wo – maam?
Granny looked doubtful.
What is it?
Salt pork.
She shook her head. Thanks all the same, she said graciously. But it gives me wind.
She turned on her heel and set off through the bushes.
We could help you across the river if you like, shouted Tomjon after her.
What river? said Hwel. Were on the moor, there cant be a river in miles.
Y-youve got to get them on y-your side, said Wimsloe. Then t-they help you.
Perhaps we should have asked her to wait while we went and looked for one, said Hwel sourly.
They found the turning. It led into a forest criss-crossed with as many tracks as a marshalling yard, the sort of forest where the back of your head tells you the trees are turning around to watch you as you go past and the sky seems to be very high up and a long way off. Despite the heat of the day a dank, impenetrable gloom hovered among the tree trunks, which crowded up to the track as if intending to obliterate it completely.
They were soon lost again, and decided that being lost somewhere where you didnt know where you were was even worse than being lost in the open.
She could have given more explicit instructions, said Hwel.
Like ask at the next crone, said Tomjon. Look over there.
He stood up in the seat.
Ho there, old . . . good . . . he hazarded.
Magrat pushed back her shawl.
Just a humble wood gatherer, she snapped. She held up a twig for proof. Several hours waiting with nothing but trees to talk to hadnt improved her temper.
Wimsloe nudged Tomjon, who nodded and fixed his face in an ingratiating smile.
Would you care to share our lunch, old . . . good wo . . . miss? he said. Its only salt pork, Im afraid.
Meat is extremely bad for the digestive system, said Magrat. If you could see inside your colon youd be horrified.
I think I would, muttered Hwel.
Did you know that an adult male carries up to five pounds of undigested red meat in his intestines at all times? said Magrat, whose informative lectures on nutrition had been known to cause whole families to hide in the cellar until she went away. Whereas pine kernels and sunflower seeds—
There arent any rivers around that you need helping over, are there? said Tomjon desperately.
Dont be silly, said Magrat. Im just a humble wood gatherer, lawks, collecting a few sticks and mayhap directing lost travellers on the road to Lancre.
Ah, said Hwel, I thought wed get to that.
You fork left up ahead and turn right at the big stone with the crack in it, you cant miss it, said Magrat.
Fine, growled Hwel. Well, we wont keep you. Im sure youve got a lot of wood to collect and so forth.
He whistled the mules into a plod again, grumbling to himself.
When, an hour later, the track ran out among a landscape of house-sized boulders, Hwel laid down the reins carefully and folded his arms. Tomjon stared at him.
What do you think youre doing? he said.
Waiting, said the dwarf grimly.
Itll be getting dark soon.
We wont be here long, said Hwel.
Eventually Nanny Ogg gave up and came out from behind her rock.
Its salt pork, understand? said Hwel sharply. Take it or leave it, okay? Now – which ways Lancre?
Keep on, left at the ravine, then you pick up the track that leads to a bridge, you cant miss it, said Nanny promptly.
Hwel grabbed the reins. You forgot about the lawks.
Bugger. Sorry. Lawks.
And youre a humble old wood gatherer, I expect, Hwel went on.
Spot on, lad, said Nanny cheerfully. Just about to make a start, as a matter of fact.
Tomjon nudged the dwarf.
You forgot about the river, he said. Hwel glared at him.
Oh yes, he muttered, and can you wait here while we go and find a river.
To help you across, said Tomjon carefully.
Nanny Ogg gave him a bright smile. Theres a perfectly good bridge, she said. But I wouldnt say no to a lift. Move over.
To Hwels irritation Nanny Ogg hitched up her skirts and scrambled on to the board, inserting herself between Tomjon and the dwarf and then twisting like an oyster knife until she occupied half the seat.
You mentioned salt pork, she said. There wouldnt be any mustard, would there?
No, said Hwel sullenly.
Cant abide salt pork without condiments, said Nanny conversationally. But pass it over, anyway. Wimsloe wordlessly handed over the basket holding the troupes supper. Nanny lifted the lid and gave it a critical assessment.
That cheese in there is a bit off, she said. It needs eating up quick. Whats in the leather bottle?
Beer, said Tomjon, a fraction of a second before Hwel had the presence of mind to say, Water.
Pretty weak stuff, said Nanny, eventually. She fumbled in her apron pocket for her tobacco pouch.
Has anyone got a light? she inquired.
A couple of actors produced bundles of matches. Nanny nodded, and put the pouch away.
Good, she said. Now, has anyone got any tobacco?
Half an hour later the lattys rattled over the Lancre Bridge, across some of the outlying farmlands, and through the forests that made up most of the kingdom.
This is it? said Tomjon.
Well, not all of it, said Nanny, who had been expecting rather more enthusiasm. Theres lots more of it behind the mountains over there. But this is the flat bit.
You call this flat?
Flattish, Nanny conceded. But the airs good. Thats the palace up there, offering outstanding views of the surrounding countryside.
You mean forests.
Youll like it here, said Nanny encouragingly.
Its a bit small.
Nanny thought about this. Shed spent nearly all her life inside the boundaries of Lancre. It had always seemed about the right size to her.
Bijou, she said. Handy for everywhere.
Everywhere where?
Nanny gave up. Everywhere close, she said.
Hwel said nothing. The air was good, rolling down the unclimbable slopes of the Ramtops like a sinus wash, tinted with turpentine from the high forests. They passed through a gateway into what was, up here, probably called a town; the cosmopolitan he had become decided that, down on the plains, it would just about have qualified, as an open space.
Theres an inn, said Tomjon doubtfully.
Hwel followed his gaze. Yes, he said, eventually. Yes, it probably is.
When are we going to do the play?
I dont know. I think we just send up to the castle and say were here. Hwel scratched his chin. Fool said the king or whoever would want to see the script.
Tomjon looked around Lancre town. It seemed peaceful enough. It didnt look like the kind of place likely to turn actors out at nightfall. It needed the population.
This is the capital city of the kingdom, said Nanny Ogg. Well-designed streets, youll notice.
Streets? said Tomjon.
Street, corrected Granny. Also houses in quite good repair, stones throw from river—
Throw?
Drop, Nanny conceded. Neat middens, look, and extensive—
Madam, weve come to entertain the town, not buy it, said Hwel.
Nanny Ogg looked sidelong at Tomjon.
Just wanted you to see
how attractive it is, she said.
Your civic pride does you credit, said Hwel. And now, please, leave the cart. Im sure youve got some wood to gather. Lawks.
Much obliged for the snack, said Nanny, climbing down.
Meals, corrected Hwel.
Tomjon nudged him. You ought to be more polite, he said. You never know. He turned to Nanny. Thank you, good – oh, shes gone.
Theyve come to do a theatre, said Nanny.
Granny Weatherwax carried on shelling beans in the sun, much to Nannys annoyance.
Well? Arent you going to say something? Ive been finding out things, she said. Picking up information. Not sitting around making soup—
Stew.
I reckon its very important, sniffed Nanny.
What kind of a theatre?
They didnt say. Something for the duke, I think.
Whats he want a theatre for?
They didnt say that, either.
Its probably all a trick to get in the castle, Granny said knowingly. Very clever idea. Did you see anything in the carts?
Boxes and bundles and such.
Theyll be full of armour and weapons, depend upon it.
Nanny Ogg looked doubtful.
They didnt look very much like soldiers to me. They were awfully young and spotty.
Clever. I expect in the middle of the play the king will manifest his destiny, right where everyone can see him. Good plan.
Thats another thing, said Nanny, picking up a bean pod and chewing it. He doesnt seem to like the place much.
Of course he does. Its in his blood.
I brought him the pretty way. He didnt seem very impressed.
Granny hesitated.
He was probably suspicious of you, she concluded. He was probably too overcome to speak, really.
She put down the bowl of beans and looked thoughtfully at the trees.
Have you got any family still working up at the castle? she said.
Shirl and Daff help out in the kitchens since the cook went off his head.
Good. Ill have a word with Magrat. I think we should see this theatre.
Perfect, said the duke.
Thank you, said Hwel.
Youve got it exactly spot on about that dreadful accident, said the duke. You might almost have been there. Ha. Ha.
You werent, were you? said Lady Felmet, leaning forward and glaring at the dwarf.
I just used my imagination, said Hwel hurriedly. The duchess glared at him, suggesting that his imagination could consider itself lucky it wasnt being dragged off to the courtyard to explain itself to four angry wild horses and a length of chain.
Exactly right, said the duke, leafing one-handedly through the pages. This is exactly, exactly, exactly how it was.
Will have been, snapped the duchess.
The duke turned another page.
Youre in this too, he said. Amazing. Its a word for word how Im going to remember it. I see youve got Death in it, too.
Always popular, said Hwel. People expect it.
How soon can you act it?
Stage it, corrected Hwel, and added, Weve tried it out. As soon as you like. And then we can get away from here, he said to himself, away from your eyes like two raw eggs and this female mountain in the red dress and this castle which seems to act like a magnet for the wind. This is not going to go down as one of my best plays, I know that much.
How much did we say we were going to pay you? said the duchess.
I think you mentioned another hundred silver pieces, said Hwel.
Worth every penny, said the duke.
Hwel left hurriedly, before the duchess could start to bargain. But he felt hed gladly pay something to be out of this place. Bijou, he thought. Gods, how could anyone like a kingdom like this?
The Fool waited in the meadow with the lake. He stared wistfully at the sky and wondered where the hell Magrat was. This was, she said, their place; the fact that a few dozen cows also shared it at the moment didnt appear to make any difference.
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