I closed the suitcase and tied it up with the scarf. I went downstairs. Mam was sitting at the kitchen table reading a knitting pattern. David was out the back with Dad. Every now and then I could hear Dad roar at him.
‘Mam, can I ask you something?’ I sat down and lit up a cigarette.
‘Go on,’ she said, a note of hesitancy in her voice that warned: Don’t ask me something that might upset us all.
‘Do you remember the new estate up the road? I used to hang out there when I was eleven or twelve.’
‘I remember it well. How can I ever forget it?’ she said with anger. This surprised me.
‘How come you remember it well?’ I was intrigued.
‘Oh, that bloody bitch Mrs What-was-her-name. You know, Michelle’s mother.’
‘Mrs Hand?’ I offered.
‘That’s the one. A right fucking bitch. God forgive me!’ she blessed herself quickly. ‘Don’t you remember she forbade her daughter to play with you?’ Mam looked at me like 1 had three heads.
‘Of course I do. I just wondered, do you know why? Why did she do that? That whole experience destroyed me,’ I said, a tear forming in my eye.
‘I know very well how it affected you, love. Don’t you remember your father going up to see her?’ she asked.
‘He did?’ I was shocked.
‘Oh yes, indeed, he did. I ordered him to go, when we saw you traipsing around after them like a lost sheep. We knew something had gone wrong. Your dad asked you what the matter was and you told him what that bitch had said.’
‘I did?’
‘Fucking cow, God forgive me. Do you know what she said in her defence? It was a private estate! Only for the boys and girls that lived there! You know what she really meant, though?’ Mam looked at me, fire in her eyes. ‘My daughter wasn’t good enough to play with her daughter. That’s what she was really trying to say. In other words, we weren’t as well off as them. Well! Your father gave it to her right between the eyes. “My daughter will go where she pleases. She has as much right to play here as anywhere else,” he said to her. The old bitch nearly fell in her standing,’ she finished.
I was absolutely flabbergasted. ‘I never knew he did that.’ I wiped the tear from my cheek.
‘Oh, he did. To be sure, to be sure. And he said a lot more besides. She was always polite to him after that. “Hello, Mr Joyce. How are you, Mr Joyce?” Your father never forgot it; he taught her a thing or two in manners. All the money in the world they had, but no manners.’
I went to the back window. Dad was holding a pitchfork in his hand and threatening to poke David up the arse with it. I smiled to myself. I remembered what Brian had said at the last session.
‘What’s Beirut for one child could be The Little House on the Prairie for another.’
Now I understood what he meant. Every child is different. Children perceive their surroundings differently. I had lived in Beirut for so long that The Little House on the Prairie was still only a television programme.
Mam and Dad had cared about me, had loved me — despite all I had thought and felt as a child. I was now willing to admit that I had not been able to see that. I had come to some pretty lousy conclusions as a child. I was wrong about them. I could see it now, and that was all that mattered.
Chapter 16
It was late November in 1993. It had been a very eventful year so far. I had just completed my seventh session of the course. Matt and I had taken to having coffee afterwards almost every week. He still maintained enough distance to keep me dangling. I didn’t mind. It was only a matter of time.
I was completely immersed in the course. The group had opened up as Matt had predicted. We had even had moments of rapturous laughter. The mid-term break had served us all well. I was busy preparing for Christmas and felt almost contented with life.
Karen and Michael agreed to call over for an evening, along with Joe, who was home again on a weekend cheapie. There was no mention of Jill. I was looking forward to seeing them. I tried my best to clean the flat up and enlisted Alice’s help. Before she came, though, I gathered all the empty cans and bottles and filled three black sacks. I didn’t want her to see them so I crept out at night and dumped them outside the gate. Alice had become very fond of ‘the little fat fucker’ and had begun to call him ‘Spud’. I didn’t like nicknames at the best of times, but in this case I was prepared to make an exception.
She arrived at the door laden down with Jif and Mr Sheen. ‘Who’s coming, love — the fucking Pope?’
‘Don’t be silly. Come in. You know there’s no need for you to do any of this.’
‘Ah, fuck off, will you? The place is like a tip. You’re a dirty bitch, do you know that?’ She barged into the bathroom. ‘Holy Jaysus, a nacker wouldn’t live here.’ She bent down and started to scrub.
I joined in, feeling embarrassed. Even by Alice’s standards I had let the place go to pot. I continued turning up empty bottles and cans. I gathered everything I could see and began assigning things to certain places. The walls had become yellowed from cigarette smoke, especially in my bedroom. I vowed to have the whole place painted, as soon as I had the money. I was excited and in good form. I had planned to cook for us all. I decided to ask Alice for a good recipe.
‘Is the ride coming?’ she asked.
‘Yes. What do you think he would like to eat?’
‘Ah, you’re not falling for that shite, are you? The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach? Bolloxology. The way to a man’s heart is through his Mickey, love. God knows, haven’t I been on me knees often enough to prove it?’
‘Alice!’ I couldn’t help laughing. ‘I am not trying to win Joe’s heart. We’re friends, that’s all. I’m having all my friends over for dinner.’
‘Could have fooled me, love. All this fucking carry-on. For friends now, is it? Why don’t you just shag the bastard and be done with it? A fine young fella like that going to waste.’
‘Alice! He is not going to waste. He has just broken up with his girlfriend in London. The last thing he needs is casual sex. Besides, I think those particular needs are being met elsewhere,’ I said angrily. I wasn’t going to let my emotions get in the way. I wanted Joe’s friendship in whatever context that meant.
‘Bollox!’ she shouted. ‘A good ride is what he wants. Gets the tension out of them. Take my Eddie, for instance. Lost his job. Banged the arse off me for weeks. I couldn’t bend over and he was on top of me.’
‘Alice, can we change the subject, please?’
She continued working, scrubbing the walls, the floors, whistling away to herself. Even the children joined in. David got a toothbrush and scrubbed the taps. Other children gathered in the kitchen and swept the floors. They only succeeded in making things worse. Soon there was hardly room to move around.
Alice put them straight. ‘Here! What in the name of Jaysus are you’s doing? Get the fuck out and clean your own homes! And clean yourselves while you’re at it. The smell of shite of you’s is cruel! Go on — scarper!’
The children giggled and made a run for it. Alice chased them with the brush. David thought the word ‘shite’ was hilarious. He walked around and around in circles, repeating, ‘Shite! Shite! Shite!’
By early evening the flat resembled something like a home. I had bought some flowers and a tablecloth. There was a nice chicken casserole in the oven. The smell drifted through the rooms. I had wine cooling in the fridge and David had just nodded off. I had dressed up nicely, and put on some make-up. I was determined to make the evening a success. When a knock came at the door, I ran out. It was Alice. I could see the others getting out of a taxi.
Ah Christ. Not now, Alice.
‘Listen love,’ the big woman told me, ‘if you need anything, I’m only next door, if you want to go down to the local, like.’
‘Eh, thanks, Alice, but I don’t think we’ll have the time.’
Too late, they were at the door. I saw a fourt
h person trailing up behind. For a moment I thought it might be Juliet. I was delighted to see it wasn’t. Then the familiar silhouette of Jill came into view. My delight plummeted. My stomach churned. It was my worst nightmare come true.
‘It’s you,’ I said stunned.
The others let out a yahoo. I had to act fast. No problem. I can handle it. I can handle it.
‘The bastards! They didn’t tell me you were coming. Are you home for long? Oh Christ, it’s so good to see you!’ I squeezed her until she could hardly breathe.
‘Hold it! Hold it! I wanted to surprise you,’ she spluttered, trying to loosen my grip.
Surprise me? Well, you’ve certainly done that. How all perfectly convenient, convivial and fucking fantastic. I looked at Joe from over her shoulder. He was smiling stupidly from ear to ear. You must think I was born yesterday, you bastard!
I had completely forgotten about Alice. I decided it would be better to introduce her, rather than leave her on the doorstep.
‘This is Alice,’ I told them all. ‘She’s my neighbour and my friend. Alice, you already know Joe.’
‘Howya, love.’ She winked at him.
‘And this is Jill, another friend of mine. Jill lives in England. We haven’t seen each other for quite some time. We have a lot of catching up to do, haven’t we, Jill?’ My voice quivered with repressed anger.
They all shook hands. That only left us to go indoors. Alice stood standing, grinning from ear to ear and chewing mechanically on her cigarette.
‘Well, let’s go inside,’ I said. Hoping she would get the hint. She didn’t.
‘Hey, why don’t you join us for a drink?’ Karen suggested. I could have strangled her. She didn’t understand. Alice wasn’t like us.
‘Ah thanks, love!’ Alice was absolutely thrilled.
Joe was hiding a smirk behind his hand. It was a long time since he had smirked. I was grateful for that, but was still grappling with the thoughts of who had put it there. Perhaps Alice being there wasn’t such a bad idea after all?
Inside, I poured everyone drinks.
‘What’s that smell?’ Karen asked.
‘What smell?’ I shouted in from the kitchen. ‘A bleachy smell?’ Jill nodded in agreement. ‘I was cleaning!’ I replied, topping up my glass again.
I returned with drinks for everybody. ‘Alice, what would you like? Wine, vodka? The wine is nice. It’s a rounded full-bodied red.’
‘Ah, not for me, love. Sounds like something you’d stick up your hole. A can of beer will do. Where did you say you were from, love?’
Jill was trying hard not to choke on her drink.
‘Em, I’m from Dublin.’ Karen was in agony trying to keep a straight face.
Joe had to leave the room.
I was furious. I didn’t mind her crude banter, but not in front of my friends.
‘I’ve been living in the South of England for the last few years.’
‘Lovely, lovely, and what do you do there?’
‘Oh. I’m an air hostess,’ Jill answered in her extra-polite voice.
Oh, look at me I parroted angrily. I’m an air hostess. I’m so fucking dazzling, doesn’t it hurt your eyes just to look at me?
‘An air hostess, is it? And sure haven’t you got the looks and all to go with it? Sure ‘tis only another name for a glorified waitress, isn’t it, love?’
I drained my glass and refilled it in horror. I went to check on the casserole. It was well done. Now what? I supposed I’d have to feed her too. Fuck it! Fuck it!
To my amazement the gang didn’t seem in the least bit perturbed by Alice’s comments. She had settled in. The slippers were off and she was yapping away to Jill. This only fuelled my anger.
Joe appeared at the kitchen door. ‘Need any help?’ he asked.
‘Which kind?’ I remarked snidely.
‘Ah, don’t panic, Jack. She’s not doing any harm to anyone. Here, give me the carving knife before you do any damage.’
I was trying to slice up some garlic bread but kept burning my hands. I went to refill their glasses but they hadn’t even finished their first. I was on my fourth. I set the table for six places. I had to take David’s baby chair from his room. I would sit on that. Dinner was served and I could hardly swallow a mouthful.
‘This is lovely,’ Mick said. That meant it was really good. Mick hardly ever made a comment about anything.
‘Yes, it is lovely,’ Jill agreed.
Joe was shovelling it into his mouth. No need to ask what he thought.
‘Massive,’ Alice said, with her mouth full.
After dinner I poured some more wine. I had already drunk a bottle myself.
I put on some music. Alice was really getting into the swing of it while I was becoming more and more sullen. I wanted to be alone with ‘my’ friends. I especially wanted to kill Jill.
But Alice wasn’t budging. The night was ruined.
‘Now tell me this, love,’ she addressed Mick. ‘These antibiotics you were talking about, Arguementan.’
‘Augmenten,’ Joe corrected her.
Sweet Jesus. I went back into the kitchen and opened the bottle of vodka. Nobody had wanted any. Well, I wasn’t going to let it go to waste. There were plenty of cans too, in the fridge. I had a quick straight vodka and opened another can of beer. I drank half it and topped up the rest with vodka. When I checked on David, he was fast asleep. I heard peals of laughter coming from the sitting room. It made me angry. Everybody was having a good time, at my expense.
I couldn’t think of a good excuse to get rid of Alice. Couldn’t she take a hint? I knew they were only being polite for my sake. I was certain of it. They were probably completely browned off with her. They’d never come back again, not after tonight. I was ashamed of Alice. Shitehawk! It was all right to have her around when I needed her. I had wanted tonight to be special. When I saw Jill it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Now Alice was in there with her, taking over. I was determined to get Alice out of the flat. I had the courage now. I was going to put Joe and Jill on the spot. I had a right to know what was going on. I marched back in, a little tipsy and the door slammed off the wall. There was a lull in the conversation, but then they started up again.
‘Jack. Sit down, for God’s sake.’ Jill motioned me to come and join her. She was sitting on the floor with her glass half-empty. It was the same glass of wine I had given her when she arrived.
‘I’ll just top up your drink first.’ I tried to take her glass.
She covered it with her hand. ‘No thanks, Jack. I’m OK.’
I was annoyed. The least she could do was appreciate my hospitality. ‘Anyone else ready for a top up?’ I looked around the room.
Alice held out her glass.
I snatched it angrily from her hand and stormed out. In the kitchen I fixed myself another handmade cocktail. Joe appeared at the door again.
‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ he asked.
‘Nothing!’ I said. My voice was high-pitched. A dead giveaway.
‘Jack, what’s wrong. You’re like a bull in a chinashop!’ He reached out to me and I pushed his hand away.
‘I just wanted to spend some time with my friends, that’s all. I can’t even get that right.’ I slammed the bottle down on the counter.
‘What are you on about? We’re all here. Why don’t you stop running in and out of the kitchen and come and spend some time with us?’
‘I can’t!’ I snarled. ‘Lady Muck has taken over. Jesus, does she not know when she’s not wanted?’ 1 heard some footsteps.
‘I’ll be off now.’ It was Alice. She stood at the door awkwardly.
‘OK,’ I said coolly, leaving her to find her own way out. I heard the door slam.
‘For Christ’s sake, Jack. Could you not at least have seen her to the door?’
Now Joe was getting on my wick. I stormed into the other room, where Mick, Karen and Jill were sitting silen
tly. They looked at me like I had two heads. I couldn’t stand it any more.
‘What? What?’ I roared at them.
Joe followed me back in.
‘That’s it. That’s it, Jack. Enough is enough,’ Jill said as Karen gathered their coats.
‘What’s fucking wrong with everyone?’ I shouted.
Mick tut tutted.
‘Jack, your behaviour is disgraceful. That poor woman. You made her feel so unwelcome,’ Jill said coldly. She was zipping up her jacket.
‘What!’ I threw my hands in the air in disbelief. ‘Look, she wasn’t invited. I wanted to have a quiet night — just us. For God’s sake! She embarrassed the hell out of me!’ I tried to defend myself.
‘She didn’t embarrass us,’ Mick put in.
I was really surprised at him.
‘Karen!’ I turned to Karen for support.
‘Sorry, Jack. I’m out of here. I can’t take any more of this shit. It’s the same thing every time. You do it every time. I’m sick of it!’
She was getting angry now, I could sense it.
‘What the fuck are you talking about? Sick of what? You know, you all come over here and behave like fucking saints, then you leave. None of you gives a fucking damn about me and David, what we have to cope with!’ I was shouting at the top of my voice now.
‘Shut up, for Christ’s sake. You’ll wake David.’ Joe glared at me.
I walked right up to his face. ‘Since when did you give a fuck about me or David? You’re not his father or anything and you’ve no right to speak to me like that in my own house!’
Joe had gone beyond the point of reasoning. He pushed me away from him. I lost my footing and fell backwards on to the floor.
‘Look at yourself, Jack. You’re drunk again,’ Jill put in for good measure. Karen and Mick nodded their heads. Now they were all ganging up on me.
The House that Jack Built Page 21