He’d have been going through the hell of basic training. He wondered what he’d have done, what he would have felt, if Maddy had called him with the news that they were expecting a baby. He hadn’t been given the chance to find out. As intense and unforgiving as boot camp had been, he knew for sure he’d have found a way to be there for Maddy.
He waited for her to continue.
“Mom went with me. I was so excited because they’d be able to tell me the gender. The technician was doing her thing, chatting, smiling. She’d had a baby only a few months before, so we were talking about that. She put the goo on my belly, moved the wand around. Then she got really quiet. She called the doctor in, they looked at the screen. When they went into the other room to talk, I knew they’d found something bad. Mom grabbed on to my hand and held on. They came back, and the doctor told me my baby, my little girl, had something wrong with her heart.”
Logan ran his hands over his face. “What was it? What was wrong with her heart?”
“Hypoplastic left heart syndrome. Basically, the left side of her heart wasn’t developing, and she’d need surgery when she was born, and then if it could be repaired, more surgeries. If not, she’d need a heart transplant.”
“God. I’m so sorry, Maddy.”
“Yeah, me too.” Her attention was focused on the thread she’d wrapped around her finger. Maybe she could tell the story better if she didn’t look at him. “The best care for her in California was at UCLA’s medical center. So Mom and I moved to Los Angeles.”
She let go the thread and picked up her mug again, wrapping both hands around it as she sipped. “Thank goodness I was still covered on Mom’s insurance. The next months were a blur. We found a little apartment not far from the hospital. I tried so hard to eat healthy and exercise. Like if I took good enough care of myself through the pregnancy, somehow Lily would get better. I think it was the only thing I could control. I had a C-section so as not to stress her heart through childbirth.
“She was so beautiful, with dark hair like yours. And she’d look at me with those baby-dark eyes. She was so tiny but she had an old soul. When she was two days old, she had her first heart surgery.”
Logan pushed up from the couch to cross the room, returning to stuff a wad of tissues in her hand. She looked surprised, like she hadn’t been aware her cheeks were drenched with tears. Two days old. He didn’t think he’d ever even seen a two-day-old baby. How could the doctors perform heart surgery on a child that small?
“Mom was amazing, she was with me every step of the way. You should know that she wanted me to tell you.”
He didn’t say anything. He wished she’d told him. He’d have come back, been there for her. For their daughter. No way would he have left her to deal with something so devastating without all the support she could get.
“Maybe I was being selfish, but my entire focus was on Lily. I didn’t think I could cope with any more emotional upheaval than what I was already going through with my baby. I was mad at you, Logan. I was mad you’d dumped me. Then I was mad I was pregnant. We’d been together, but I was the one who ended up with the consequences of that.”
He scrubbed a hand over his face, as if he could wipe away the past. “I wish you’d told me. I get that you made the decision that was right for you at the time. But I would have come back. If I hadn’t screwed things up with you, I’d have been with you through it all. You were right to be angry with me. It’s my fault you went through that.” Forcing himself to cage in his anger, anger now directed at himself, he rose to pace the room. “Go on, tell me the rest. What happened next?”
“We had to stay in LA to be near the hospital. I started working at a coffee shop, a few hours a week, and taking online classes. Mom got a job at the hospital, so life was all about balancing schedules so one of us could always be with Lily.” She took a deep breath and a sip of her tea.
“God, Logan, she was such a fighter. Every morning she’d wake up and you could see this will to live. And she did, she lived every day to the fullest. She hardly ever cried, and was so curious, and loved being outside. We took long walks on the beach. There were stretches of time when I could pretend that she was perfectly fine, that she was healthy. But she wasn’t. She was scheduled for another surgery at six months.”
She paused for so long he wasn’t sure she would continue. When she spoke again, her voice held that hollowed-out tone of someone who’d faced the worst and somehow managed to survive. “Then one morning I woke up and realized she hadn’t woken during the night to nurse. And I knew. Her crib was in my room with me. I wanted to keep her close, to keep an eye on her. I scrambled across the room to the crib. She lay so peacefully, like she was sleeping. But she wasn’t. In the middle of the night, when I’d been sleeping instead of keeping watch over her, she died. My little girl, the most beautiful, precious gift imaginable, was gone.”
Logan reached for Maddy. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her onto his lap, his cheeks no more dry than hers.
She blew her nose noisily, then said, “She’s buried at the cemetery here in the Loss. I wanted her to be near family.”
Logan plucked a tissue from the wad he’d given her and blew his own nose.
“She had your name, Logan. She was Lily Patricia Ross.”
Logan let out a shuddering breath. He’d failed his daughter, and he’d failed Maddy.
His phone pinged from inside his pocket, but he ignored it. “I’m sorry, Maddy. I’m sorry you went through that. I wish I could have known our daughter, but I’m glad she had you.”
Resting against him with her head under his chin, she shook her head. “It’s done now, Logan. You had issues to work out. I’m not sorry about Lily. I’m sorry she died. More than anything in this world, I’m sorry she died. But I’m not sorry for her. For a few short months I was a mom to the most beautiful baby in the world. And there wasn’t a day that she didn’t know she was loved and cherished.”
“What happened after?”
“We had a quiet service here. Lily wasn’t a secret, but I didn’t tell many people, either. I couldn’t, though I imagine a lot of people heard by word of mouth. I applied to a college in Los Angeles and was accepted, so I went back after the service and lived in LA until I finished my degree. Mom wanted me back home, but I needed to be on my own for a while.”
They sat quietly as he stroked a hand up and down her back. His phone pinged again.
“Service up here is intermittent, so you better see who wants you while you have reception.”
She shifted off his lap, and he dug the phone out of his pocket. He tapped out a message, then put the phone on the end table. “I need to go to San Francisco in the morning.”
She glanced at him, brows raised.
“I’ll have to leave early.” He studied her upturned face. “Am I staying?”
Chapter Fifteen
He stayed. This time they spent the night in her bed. Much more comfortable than the floor, though the rug in front of the fireplace did have its charm, Maddy thought. Telling Logan about Lily had been cathartic. The distance between them was eroding away, and their lovemaking that had followed had almost scared her in its intensity.
For the first time since Logan had returned to the Loss, a tiny little voice in the back of her brain made itself heard, suggesting that maybe, this time, they actually might have a future together. She tried to squelch the voice, hardly even acknowledged it. Listening to that voice was a one-way ticket to heartbreak.
Maddy hummed to herself as she slid a tray of cinnamon rolls into the oven at the café. She would do something she had never allowed herself to do and live in the moment, not putting any expectations on her relationship with Logan.
She refused to think about the future, wasn’t making plans, or getting ahead of herself. She would enjoy Logan with the full knowledge that he would not be a permanent part of her life. And boy had she enjoyed him. She realized she was grinning and glanced guiltily at Mariana, who was piping van
illa cream into eclairs. She felt like there was a neon sign on her forehead proclaiming “I had wild, wonderful sex with Logan Ross.”
She and Logan had risen before dawn so Logan could take the FBI helicopter into Reno, and from there a plane to San Francisco. He hadn’t shared the reason for flying west, but he didn’t have to. She knew the case he was working on revolved around finding the Horvath brothers, and she hoped the situation was resolved soon. She wanted her life back, and knew without a doubt that the rest of the residents of the Loss shared that sentiment. But what then?
When Horvath was arrested, Logan’s assignment would be done, and his work would pull him away from the Loss.
With that lowering thought, Maddy focused on her work. Business remained steady throughout the morning, and her mom coming in for an early lunch with Landon Halloway put a shine on the day.
“Hello, Maddy, dear.” In her brightly colored scarf, stylish jacket, and knee-high leather boots, Trish Gallagher could be a model for any high-end clothing magazine. She gave her daughter a warm kiss on the cheek. “Landon and I were thinking whatever soup you have would be welcome on a blustery day like this one.”
“I made a hearty minestrone this morning, and you’ll love the mini loaves of rustic olive bread with herbed butter as a go-with.”
“That sounds just about perfect, young lady.” Landon put a hand on Trish’s arm when she would have reached into her purse, pulling out his wallet instead.
When Maddy brought a tray with their meals to their booth, Trish said, “I’m to pass on to you that Emma will take care of procuring the fresh vegetables for the pizza toppings for dinner tonight, so all you need to worry about is the dough and the cheese.”
“Sounds good. The dough is already made and in the refrigerator. I have fresh mozzarella and I’m making a pesto sauce.” After setting the soup bowls at their places, she put down the wooden board with the warmed olive loaf between them. After adding the little crock of herbed butter and a serrated knife, she stepped back as Landon sampled the soup.
“You have an amazing talent, Maddy. No wonder your mother is so proud of you.”
“Yes, I am. I’m proud of all my children.”
“I’ve been honored with an invitation to this pizza party, and will take care of the wine. Your mother says the homemade pizza you make is terrific, and I’m looking forward to it.”
“I’m thinking of making a dessert pizza as well, so there will be plenty of food. Come hungry.”
Maddy liked the way Landon’s normally stern expression softened whenever his gaze rested on her mother. That the man couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off Trish, and that she was obviously enjoying his company, thrilled Maddy. Her mother had been devastated by Maddy’s father’s death. It was nice to see she was finally opening herself to a relationship.
The afternoon was winding down to closing time when Dory came in, bringing in a cold gust of wind with her. “Hey there, friend,” she called out as she finger-combed her thick black hair into place. “Tell me spring is almost here.”
Maddy sat on a stool behind the counter and looked up from the iPad screen where she was working on the month’s schedule. “Well, since winter hasn’t even officially started, I’d be lying if I told you that.” A glance out the window showed her low clouds scudding across the mountains.
“Right, only three and a half more months to go.”
“Besides, you like wearing your winter sweaters and cute boots.” Today, Dory wore an eggplant purple sweater of the softest wool, and ankle boots in sleek black leather. “And I love the earrings. You and my mom are my fashion inspiration.” The earrings were tiny little Christmas ornaments in the same purple as the sweater.
“I’m glad to inspire, and while it’s true that I like bundling up in my winter woolies, I also like wearing sleeveless summer dresses and strappy sandals.” She sighed. “Okay, enough griping. I’m here to see if you have any soup and bread for the couple in Black Bear cabin. They’ve been on the lake fishing all morning and are wanting to burrow in for the storm tonight. They also requested your Nutella raspberry tarts if there are any left.”
“I can do the soup and bread, but the tarts were sold out by noon.”
“Then I’m to ask you to pick out something in their stead.”
“Will do.” She gave the to-go order for the soup to Drew in the back, and picked out a triple decadent brownie, one of her favorites, and an almond apricot tart, carefully arranging them in a pastry box.
“I thought you and Emma were closing the resort over the holidays.” Maddy glanced out the window once again. The sky seemed to be getting darker by the minute.
“We are closing. These two are our last, and they’re checking out tomorrow, so it’ll be nice to have a break until after New Year’s. Unless we get snowed in, then they’re here for another day, at least.”
“How did I not know there was a storm blowing in?”
Dory smirked. “I heard you had an all-nighter with Logan, so I’d say you were a lot distracted.”
Maddy put her hands on her hips. “How did you know that? Are there no secrets in this town?”
“None whatsoever. But I don’t think this news has made the full circuit. I only heard about it because I work with your sister-in-law and we have a full-disclosure agreement.”
“What? What do you mean a full-disclosure agreement?”
“Oh, you know. About you and Logan. She tells me everything she knows, I tell her everything I know.”
“That’s pathetic.”
“Pathetic, maybe. But you remember my desperate situation, right?” Dory pointed to herself. “This girl’s not getting any, so I have to get my thrills where I can.”
“I get the feeling that if you gave any encouragement to Jackson Morgan, he’d be happy to take care of your desperate situation.”
“Jack Morgan? Are you kidding me? We hate each other.”
“Hmm, I don’t think he hates you. In fact, I think he has a thing for you.”
“You’re reading that all wrong. Jack and I have butted heads since high school. You know he and Rodrigo were bros, right?”
“Just because he was friends with your ex-husband doesn’t mean he is a bad guy.”
“I don’t want to talk about Jack Morgan.” She wiggled her eyebrows in an exaggerated leer. “How was the all-nighter?”
“Great, actually. On all fronts. We talked, really talked. I told Logan what happened with Lily.”
“Oh.” Dory’s expression softened. “That must have been so hard.”
“It was, but good, too. I think we understand each other a lot better now.”
“For a man like Logan, I think it would have been excruciating to hear the full story.”
Maddy looked at her friend, puzzled. “Why excruciating?”
“The way I see it, he’s the kind of guy who takes his responsibilities seriously. There probably hasn’t been anybody who has ever meant more than you, and his actions led to the situation you were in. And even though he didn’t know you were pregnant, he left you to deal with the very worst by yourself. He’s a rescuer, but he couldn’t rescue you, and he couldn’t save his daughter. You’ve blamed him, all along. He’ll shoulder your blame, plus his own. That’s the way he’s wired.”
As usual, Dory had a lot of insight when it came to relationships. Which was funny given that she didn’t see her own with the same clarity. “You’re probably right. He said something similar last night. I’ve been angry at him for a long time. I think it was easier to be angry than it was to accept that he had stopped loving me. I think that’s why I blamed him after Lily died, but it wasn’t his fault. Lily being born with a defective heart was nobody’s fault.”
“Are you two getting cozy at your cabin again tonight?”
“No. I’m on homemade pizza duty at Brad and Emma’s this evening, and Logan is in San Francisco.” At Dory’s surprised sound, Maddy said, “Right? The FBI calls and next thing I know, he’s being picked up in
an FBI-ish-looking vehicle so he can get on a helicopter that takes him to the airport.”
“How will you guys work it out if your life is here in the Loss, and his is god knows where with the FBI?”
Maddy shook her head. “That’s thinking too far ahead. It’s not like that. We’re together, but we’re not together-together, if you know what I mean.”
“Strangely, I do know what you mean.” Dory narrowed her gaze. “He’s not seeing someone else, is he?”
“No. No, he’s not.”
“And you’re not seeing anyone, either.”
“Of course not.”
“And you’re having serious sex. Friend, I think you’re together-together whether you want to be or not.”
“He said he loves me,” Maddy blurted out the words, then slapped a hand over her mouth. “I wasn’t going to tell you that,” she mumbled through her fingers.
She didn’t think Dory could raise her eyebrows any higher. “He did?” The two short words covered an entire octave.
“Yeah, he did.”
Dory was all compassion. “With all that’s gone on, that’s really hard. Now, tell me about it. Why were you going to keep something as big as ‘I love you’ to yourself?
“I don’t know. It makes this whole,” Maddy waved her hands around, “thing so much more confusing. Even if he does love me, what we have is temporary.”
“I think you’re telling yourself that for self-preservation. You don’t want to risk your heart if Logan’s going to leave you again.”
“You could be right about that.”
“How did he tell you? Were you sitting together on the couch, with a fire crackling in the fireplace, and him looking soulfully into your eyes?”
Maddy felt the heat staining her cheeks. “No, not on the couch. We were, um, in the middle of things.”
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