Of course, she didn’t entirely listen to me, and when I made one of my many trips out into the kitchen, I found Gatorade and Saltines on the counter for me. Though I was filled with immense thankfulness and relief, there was also another feeling that rushed through me.
And it was one that scared the shit out of me.
It was the same feeling that had overtaken me when she and I were in the midst of having sex. When she walked over to me, offering to get me pizza, I had a feeling there was something else on her mind. The way she had leapt off the couch when I walked into the room, the way she’d let her t-shirt fall over her shorts.
Hell, even the way she’d turned to me, letting her hand brush against my leg ever so lightly as she did so – it all made me believe she was as full of lust for me as I was for her.
Then, tearing her clothes off, I knew I had to have her. Everything about her body was perfect. She was tight, smooth, and her pussy was like candy. Who was I kidding? Her body was a drug I could easily become addicted to.
But there was so much more than that. As I pushed myself inside her, I thought it was nothing but lust we were both feeling. But as we had sex, I realized there was more than lust, at least for me. I was starting to feel things for her that I’d not felt since Anna Marie.
There was even a part of me that could almost say I felt more for her than I had for Anna Marie.
With Hannah, I didn’t feel like I was living a life of service. I felt like she was just as willing – if not more willing – to do something for me than to expect me to do something for her, and that made me feel on top of the world.
I’d spent so much of my life trying to make a woman happy. And, in the end, it had come back to destroy me. It had made me vow that I was never going to give my heart to another woman again. I wanted to live life just for me and that was it.
I hadn’t thought I was going to meet Hannah. And knowing her for just the few weeks that I had was enough to make me think there was something more to her than what met the eye. She clearly wasn’t out to be served by the world. She wanted to serve.
And I found that more appealing than anything Anna Marie had wanted to do.
By Sunday, I felt human enough to leave my bedroom, but I still chose to stay shut in as much as possible. Once again, Hannah had spent the day breezing in and out, doing whatever it was she did to keep herself busy on the weekends. I’d only seen her once, and she’d just asked me how I was feeling. I felt like there was an elephant in the room since neither of us were bringing up the fact that we’d had sex. But she was acting normal.
As though nothing had ever happened.
I was in only my sweatpants and a tank top that I’d brought home with me from the military. I looked nothing like the rich man I was pretending to be, but she was still treating me like I was just like her. As though I also had millions or even billions in the bank.
Hannah truly didn’t seem to care that we were so different in what I considered to be fundamental ways. And that was only making my situation worse. To remedy the thoughts that kept running through my mind, I did the one thing that I knew how to do to ease the pain.
I took one of the bottles of whiskey, a shot glass, and hid in my room all day. She had made it clear I was free to help myself to anything that was in the apartment, and she didn’t say a word about the missing bottle despite the fact the empty space seemed blatant to me every time I stepped out of my room.
With a sigh, I covered my eyes with one of my arms, trying to block out a bit of the sun that was creeping in around the blackout drapes. I was still slightly hungover, and the light was incredibly bright. I knew I had to get up and function.
I was not going to turn into the guy who moved in and took advantage of all that she had to offer. Hell, I would clean the penthouse for her while she was gone, perhaps head to the store and get her a few things as a thank you for the things she got me when I was feeling so sick.
Whatever I did with my day, I was going to do something that would contribute to the household in some way. It was ironic that I would be using her money and her cleaning products to do it, but it was all that I could do with the situation I was in.
And while I worked, I was going to figure out some way to talk to her about the fact that we’d had sex and figure out what she thought about it.
Who are you kidding? You know it was nothing more than a couple of attractive people taking advantage of the fact they live together. She’s young, hot, and unattached, and so are you.
She was probably just getting it out of her system, just like you thought you were when you started ripping her clothes off. Don’t be an idiot, and don’t make an ass out of yourself by making this something it clearly was not, I thought to myself as I eased myself to the side of the bed.
If I could continue to talk myself out of thinking it was anything but sex, then I knew I’d be able to move past it without giving it another thought. But there was a part of me that knew no matter how hard I tried, I was going to continue to dwell on what happened, how perfect it was, and how desperately I wanted it to happen again.
No! That would be the worst thing you could do. You already think you might be having feelings for this woman, so you really think you can keep taking her to bed and not have those maybe feelings turn into something real?
You’re being a fucking idiot, Drake, and you are setting yourself up to get hurt again. You see where she’s from, the life she lives. You don’t measure up, no matter what she’s telling you. You can dream all you want, but for all you know, you are just as much a charity project to her as any one of her kids she wants to help.
It didn’t matter what she said or what I thought I felt. Hannah was off limits.
12
Hannah
“Think fast!” Teisha said as she tossed a grocery store sub sandwich at me. I squeaked in surprise but managed to catch it before it hit the ground.
I was sitting at a picnic table in a small, rundown park near her work so I could visit her on lunch break. The sun was shining but it wasn’t too hot, and the grass felt good under my bare feet. I hoped one day the city would prioritize fixing the jungle gym and the slides for the kids, but it didn’t seem as though that would happen any time soon.
There were a few other people there. A couple of kids were trying to fly a kite, a bum was sitting under a tree with a bag in his hand, pretending like it wasn’t liquor he was drinking though I’d seen him raise it to his lips more than once.
A young mom and her baby were greeting a man in a suit. I guessed he was on his lunch break and had come to see his family while he had a few minutes off, just like Teisha was doing with me.
“If you had dropped that I would have made you eat it anyway,” Teisha said as she sat down. She grinned at me at first, but then her face changed. “What’re you doing? You said you were going to meet me for lunch, not stare at your books while I get to stare at you as I eat!”
She groaned when she saw the books on the table in front of me, and I made a show of closing them with a loud thud. I rolled my eyes and let out a loud sigh before I answered her, making a point to look as exasperated as possible. “I was just getting some extra study time in while I waited for you, geez!”
“Uh-huh, I bet if I hadn’t said a word you would be sitting over that book right now while I just sat here,” she argued with a pout. Her face quickly changed back to her normal, cheerful self. “We missed you the other night.”
“Sorry. I was tired from the week that I’d had,” I said. “I’ll go out with you girls again soon, okay?”
“You say that, but then it takes you forever and a day to actually do it,” Teisha teased.
“Well, I’m in school. I don’t just get to forget about my day when I punch out at five in the afternoon on a Friday,” I argued. She gave me a look and I sighed. “Sorry. I’m a bit stressed with the finals that are coming up. I’m not getting nearly as much studying done as I need to, and work has been demanding, and I’m just n
ot sure what I’m going to do.”
“Why not take the time off work and get through school, then you can get back to work when you’re done?” Teisha asked. “If you graduate, you’re going to be able to go into the profession that you want, remember?”
“But then I’m going to have to figure out how to make ends meet while I’m taking the time off,” I argued.
Teisha gave me another look. “I know you have that trust fund. You can break into that and you’ll be fine.”
“No!” I said a little too harshly. “You know how I feel about them paying my way through school or taking care of me at all for that matter. It’s bad enough that I have to live in their apartment.”
“At least you don’t have to live with them. I know some students who have to live with their parents through school,” Teisha said with a shrug.
“Oh God, someone would die,” I said with a shudder. “No, thank you!”
She laughed as I started to open my sandwich. I was glad she didn’t press the matter when I told her it was my job that was the problem. I knew it wasn’t my job at all. I didn’t work there long enough during the week for it to have any real effect on my studying.
I was devoting several hours a day besides classes and work to study. It was the fact that when I had my books open in front of me, I couldn’t concentrate on the words. I kept thinking about Drake. It was either wondering what he was doing, thinking about what he thought or felt about me, or, worst of all, thinking about the fact that we’d had sex.
We still hadn’t talked about it, and I had a feeling we should. Perhaps it wasn’t the best way to handle things by running into my room when I knew he was going to be passing through the living room again, but there was no way I could face him right after the fact.
Having him inside me had made me feel things that I’d never felt before, and I didn’t know what to do with those feelings. I was already worried that I was catching feelings for the man. Having sex with him was probably the worst idea I could have possibly had.
Not only did he send shockwaves of pleasure throughout my entire body, but there was an emotional connection that I felt and couldn’t deny. And part of me wanted to believe that he was feeling it, too. He had made eye contact with me several times throughout the act, and though I could only see him through the pale light of the tv, I could make out enough to see there was more than just lust in his eyes.
“Earth to Hannah! Come in, Hannah!” Teisha was waving her hand in front of my face, and I suddenly snapped back to the present moment. “You were a million miles away there, what’s on your mind?”
“Nothing,” I lied. She set her sandwich down and looked at me with her famous Mom look. We all teased her about it, but we also knew when she got that look on her face, we were going to have to come clean about what was bothering us, or she was going to continue to hound us until we did.
“What?” I asked innocently.
“Alright,” she said. I gave her a questioning look when she suddenly snatched the book off the table from beside our food.
“Hey!” I exclaimed. “Give it back!”
“Not until you tell me what’s bothering you,” she retorted. “You think you can lie to me? Come on, I’ve known you since we were kids. I know when there’s something on your mind.”
I sighed and sat back on the bench, folding my arms in front of me and leaning my elbows on the table. I was surprised she didn’t tell me to move them. But she was more interested in hearing what I was thinking about then telling me proper table manners.
“It’s Drake,” I said.
“Oh?” she asked. “You find yourself another loser and now can’t get rid of him? Kick him out, it’s that simple. Or, ask me to come over and I’ll do it.”
“No, nothing like that,” I said quickly. “That’s the problem. I thought we’d be able to live together like this and not have anything happen.”
My voice trailed off and she looked at me with wide eyes. “Anything happen? You had sex? Big deal. I have one night stands all the time. Doesn’t mean that it makes a difference.”
Teisha visibly relaxed and took a bite of her sandwich before shaking her head. “You scared me. For a minute there I thought we were going to have to deal with another version of Brandon while trying to get rid of Brandon.”
I smiled and she stopped. “That’s not what the problem was?”
“Well,” I said, looking away and putting my hand to the back of my neck.
“Hannah!”
“It’s not just that we had sex that’s the problem. It’s the fact that I want to have sex with him again. And again. And then some more. I think that I might have feelings for him,” I suddenly blurted out. I wasn’t sure how else to say it, and once the words started coming, there was no stopping them.
Teisha stared at me for a moment, then she went back to eating her sandwich. I sat, my elbows still on the table, my hands now palm up, waiting for her to say something. She took her time chewing and swallowing the bite, then she simply continued to eat.
“You aren’t going to say anything?” I asked, letting the building frustration show through my tone. “I could really use some advice now that you’ve dragged it out of me.”
“What do you want me to say? That it’s a bad idea for you to fall for this man? That it’s a good idea for you to? Would it make any difference which way I went with it?” she asked.
I paused. She did have a point. I wasn’t sure which would be worse. If she were to tell me that it was a terrible idea, I would have to agree with her. But that wasn’t going to put an end to how I felt about him or the situation, or the anxiety I had about how he felt about me.
On the other hand, if she were to tell me that it was a great idea, then I would be stuck in another way. I wouldn’t know how to talk to him. And, I would be setting myself up for months of misery wondering how he felt about me.
“I guess not,” I said as I sat back. “But that doesn’t help me much when it comes to what I should do.”
“You should do what you think is best,” Teisha said. “I can’t tell you that. I can just tell you that you need to be careful.”
“Duh, I know that,” I said as I took a bite of my sandwich. “I don’t want another Brandon in my life.”
“Neither do I,” Teisha said. “If you want my advice, I think you should talk to him.”
“I know that’s what I should do, but I don’t know how,” I whined. “Why do I always get myself in these situations?”
“Because your life is interesting,” Teisha said as she rose from the table. “I’ve got to get back to work, and from the sounds of things, you better get to studying.”
“Thanks for the sandwich. Sorry I spent the entire time talking about myself,” I said with a sigh. I laid my cheek in my hand and picked at the half sandwich that was still sitting on my plate. Teisha smiled.
“That’s why I’m here for,” she said with a grin. She handed me back my book. “Now you can stare at this while you eat, which is what we both know you wanted to do anyway.”
“Yeah, right,” I said. “You know I love you.”
“And I love you, too, baby girl, which is why I tell you the hard truth,” Teisha said. “Come here, give me a hug.”
I rose and leaned over the table as we gave each other the best hug we could, then Teisha grabbed her purse and headed for her car.
I sat back down with my book, ignoring the bee that was buzzing around my food. My mind had almost immediately gone back to daydreaming about Drake, and I knew Teisha was right. I had to talk to him at some point.
Although I couldn’t shake the fear that was at the back of my mind. If I were to tell him what I really thought about what we did – about him – then there was a chance that he might tell me he didn’t want any of it with me. He might even tell me that he couldn’t help me anymore.
The thought of him leaving the apartment made me feel sick to my stomach, and I sighed, completely unable to concentrate on the book
in front of me. It didn’t matter to me anymore whether Brandon was bothering me or not. I wanted Drake. I needed Drake.
And I was terrified he didn’t feel the same way.
13
Drake
I finished screwing in the last lightbulb, then I stepped down from the chair. It had been out since the second day after I’d moved in, and I had a feeling Hannah wasn’t the type to climb onto a chair to replace them herself. It was the least I could do for the free room and board and all the perks she was offering me.
Surprisingly, I wanted so much more from Hannah – from the situation – but I knew I had to come to accept the fact that it simply wasn’t meant to be between us. She was way too far out of my league for me to even consider that she might want to be with me, and I wasn’t going to put her in the position of having to tell me that. She was too nice a person to say it out loud.
After debating with myself over how I was going to handle the situation with her, I decided it was best if I were to play the strong, leader of a husband when we were out in public, but when we were in the privacy of her home, I was going to pull back and keep to myself. That’s what my goal was after my divorce anyway, wasn’t it? Keep myself locked away and not let myself fall for anyone again? Hannah made that harder than I’d anticipated though, and the thought brought me a pain in my chest I’d never wanted to feel again. No doubt this wasn’t going to last much longer. With the way she and I were getting out together in public, people in her circle had to be talking. Her ex would find out about our alleged marriage, and he’d get out of her life.
Then, I’d go back to my new life, figuring out where I was going to live, what I’d do for work, and most importantly, how I would move on. Not from the military, not from my ex-wife, but move on from Hannah. I knew that I’d fallen for the girl, and it was going to break my heart when this all came to an end.
Playing Pretend Box Set Page 45