That was good. I’d say that. I was just nervous, because what if he didn’t want to hear it? What if his panic about pregnancy wasn’t just old issues? What if it was him never wanting a family with me and never being able to trust me?
It was farther than I remembered out toward the gate where that beech tree grew. The sun beat down, and I wished I’d brought something to drink and a sunhat or, say, an air-conditioned vehicle of which we had several. I rolled my eyes at myself. In wartime, women waited around for years for their husbands, hoping they’d return in one piece. I got cranky walking for fifteen minutes in the Texas heat.
When I got in sight of the tree, I saw Mantilla cropping grass nearby. I’d found him. My stomach fluttered with nervousness. I had to figure out what to say to him, how to make him understand that I wasn’t going to trap him, but that this was going to be ok and he needed to trust me. He also needed to cut the crap with being so dramatic and storming out. But I needed to say that nicely, in a way he’d listen to. I straightened my shoulders and charged forth. There was nothing for it but to speak up and tell him the truth about my feelings. This was no time for insecurity or cowardice. I would fight for what I loved. What I loved happened to be an infuriating rancher who was hiding under a tree. I guessed I should be grateful he hadn’t climbed the tree. That would make things harder.
I walked up to him, “Hey,” I said.
He looked up, surprised. Raul scratched Dori’s ears as he sniffed at his boots.
“We came to find you,” I said.
“I wasn’t lost,” he said.
That pissed me off, and my good speech went right out the window. I’d just tell it to him like it was.
“Yeah you are. You’re good at a lot of things—you’re a great cattle rancher, a good boss, a loyal friend, and one hell of a lover. But one of the things you’re best at is making things harder than they have to be. I get that pushing people away is how you protect yourself. I’m asking that you stop doing it to me. Because you can trust me, and I deserve better than that from you.”
I sat down on the ground next to him, put my hand on his arm, “I love you. I know that wasn’t what this was supposed to be about, but it is for me now. So don’t think I’d ever do anything to hurt you or trick you. That’s not how this works. This is what family is. We go after each other. We bring each other home. And we never let go.”
I wanted to kiss him, but I also wanted to shake him and tell him to grow up. His ex-girlfriend treated him like crap, but that was years ago, and I was here now. I had to be understanding and supportive and remember that what I wanted was to love him and have him love me back. Telling him to buck up wasn’t going to help him admit how he felt, and it was unkind. I wanted to say it anyway, but I was too smart for that.
This was my chance to prove I was strong enough to be patient with him, to express my love by being calm and caring. Nowhere in that love is patient/love is kind poem did it say love is frustrated and a smartass. If I wanted him to see my love and accept it, I had to be mature and serious. Even when part of me wanted to shove him playfully on the shoulder and say, hey drama queen, grow up. You love me so stop brooding like some Hamlet wannabe and let’s skip to the makeup sex. Yeah, that would be the worst speech ever.
So I had to trust him to respond to sincere love and patience. If I was insisting the he trust me, I had to believe in him, too. It wasn’t going to be easy.
15
Raul
I couldn’t believe my eyes.
Allie had come all the way out here.
She came after me. She brought the dog that I took to the vet the first day I met her, which was sweet and silly at the same time. Instead of sitting down and waiting to see what I had to say or if I felt like talking, she did the talking. She wasn’t shy at all about telling me what she thought was going on, and how she felt about me. Her confidence, her strength moved me. But not as much as her love.
I shut my eyes for an instant when she said that she loved me, said it like it was obvious, like the sky was blue or Texas was hot. She had put her hand on my arm. It was loving but respectful, not demanding. I reached for her hand and laced our fingers together. It felt good, like something inside me came back into balance. I turned to look at her, realized that she was probably waiting for me to respond.
“This isn’t what I planned,” I said a little sheepishly.
“I know. You had it all in writing. But that deal, that generous deal with the divorce and the settlement at the end, it’s not what I want anymore. Is it what you want?”
“No. Not if it means letting you go,” I finally admitted to both her and myself.
I looked down at our hands, joined together. At the gold band on her finger, the one I’d put there in the mission church months ago. This was Allie who meant so much to me. Who’d made my life bigger and more colorful, a much warmer and happier place to be. I had come alive when I met her after years of loneliness. All she was asking me for was the truth. Courage instead of fear and mistrust. She needed me to fight for this. The fear was dark in my chest, eating away at me. And if it had just been my happiness that could be ruined, I am not sure if I could have fought for it. But this was Allie. The brave, beautiful woman who saved animals, who brought laughter and passion into my workaholic life. The woman had the courage to track me down and stand there and say she deserved better from me. And she was right, damn me. She was right. It was her happiness, her dreams that I wouldn’t crush. I would do anything for her, to protect her. And if she needed protection from my emotional baggage, from my fear of being hurt, then I was the man who would fight for her.
“I’ve had feelings for you for a while now. At least since the night of the storm when I came looking for you, half out of my mind. It scared me because I didn’t know if I could survive losing someone else. If I could live without you.”
“You don’t have to worry about that,” she said. “I plan to stick around as long as you’ll have me.”
I reached for Allie. She moved into my arms, her head resting on my chest. Right where she belonged. I breathed her in, that smell of home. My throat tightened and for an instant I thought I might cry. I held her tighter.
“The truth is, you know I’ve got baggage from losing my parents so young, but that’s not all. I told you briefly about Theresa, about how she cheated on me and made me not want to trust my heart with anyone again. But that wasn’t it.”
“What happened?” she said.
“She wasn’t just cheating on me. She got pregnant, with her ex’s baby. They were still seeing each other the whole time she and I were together. They were going to pass the baby off as mine to get their hands on my family’s money and then leave once they got it.”
“Wow. That really sucks,” she said.
I sensed something else was coming. “But?”
“But that one experience, as horrible as it was, doesn’t have to shape how you see everything for the rest of your life. It doesn’t have to mean you can’t be happy and have good things. Don’t let her have that power.”
“So by keeping everyone at arm’s length, I’m letting her win?”
“Yes! Don’t give one selfish, disloyal asshole the power to ruin your chances at happiness. I am so happy with you, but I need to know that you want this, for longer than the contract. For forever. So here I am. Chasing you out into the wilderness to prove my love,” she said teasingly.
“It’s not the wilderness. The road is about a quarter mile that way,” I said.
“Right, way to make it less romantic,” she said, “it’s still a grand gesture, as far as I’m concerned. I walked here.”
“I’m glad you did, but I can’t resist any longer. I have to kiss you,” I said.
“Then kiss me, because I love you. No matter what. And we can get through this together.”
Softly, I pressed my lips to hers. It was a tender, sweetheart’s kiss. I wanted it to feel different, to express how I felt about her. How I could face that f
ear of being tricked, of being left and losing out.
“I’d rather have my heart broken again than let you walk away thinking I don’t love you.”
“I’m not walking away. But I’m glad you can say it, that you think this is worth fighting for,” she said a little shyly.
Allie slid her arms around my neck and hugged me. I buried my face in her bright hair, my lips on her neck. I kissed the curve of her throat, my lips questing for her taste, the salt of her skin and the sweet scent of her shampoo.
“Mmmm,” she murmured, tilting her head to grant me better access.
I swept back the tangle of her hair to kiss the hollow beneath her ear. Her hands flexed on my shoulders in response, and I couldn’t help grinning. I was about to make love to my wife under the open sky on Santeria. It was possibly the greatest thing to happen in my life. I was awed and humbled by it, by the depth of my feelings for Allie, and the fact that she loved me back. I had tried to put her in her place, to show her that I was fond of her but not too fond to let her go on schedule, had tried to draw a line, put up a wall. But she had cheerfully held on until I couldn’t resist her anymore.
With a single movement, I rolled on top of Allie, laying her out at the base of the tree on the soft grass. I brushed my fingers against her cheek tenderly, smiled into her eyes.
“I love you so much,” she said, a catch in her voice. “I was afraid to death when you walked out on me. I’m sorry we forgot a condom, but I didn’t—” A tear trickled down from the corner of her eye. I kissed it away.
“I know, I know. I didn’t stop to find one either. I was so overcome with needing you after weeks apart. It doesn’t matter though. It doesn’t. I want you, all of you, babies or no babies, forever.”
“So you can handle it if I turn out to be pregnant? Because if not, I’ll go in town and get the morning after pill.”
“Shh. There is no ‘if not’, Allie. As long as I have you, I’m happy. In fact, I want you now, here, right on the ground under this tree if you’ll have me.”
“I’ll have you anywhere I can get you,” she said, her eyes still bright with tears. I kissed her forehead.
“Let me make it up to you, the fact that I ran out like an idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot. You were just—”
“Spooked,” I said sheepishly, “I wish I hadn’t been. I wish I’d never let you out of my arms. It’s what you deserve, a man who knows how lucky he is to hold you, not a man who takes off like you’re a dangerous woman.”
“I am a dangerous woman,” she laughed. “I’ll seduce you into adopting stray dogs and giving me backrubs. I’ll bring my family home for the holidays so my dad can do his scary cop voice at you and my sisters guess loudly at your penis size.”
“Your family is a treat,” I laughed, “and tell them the correct size is huge. Unforgettable. Giant.”
Allie laughed, “I will, I promise.”
My lips nuzzled her jaw and neck as I opened my lips to taste her skin once more. I cupped her full breasts in my palms and made her arch into my hands. Her body’s reactions were glorious, the way her heated skin molded to my touch and her nipple pebbled hard with arousal between my finger and thumb. I knew exactly how to touch her, how to bring her pleasure. It gave me a surge of confidence and power, that ability. My hands were made for this, my mouth made to kiss hers, to swallow her cries of ecstasy. It felt so right, at last.
Deftly, I removed her shorts. Her hands slipped under my shirt, her hands cool against my skin. I shivered with the sensation. She worked my shirt up and over my shoulders, her caresses leaving me hard and eager. With her help, I unfastened my pants and kicked them off. My mouth found her nipples, and we were lost in pleasure for long minutes. Her lush curves filled my palms as she twisted beneath me, panting with arousal. My fingers slid between her legs. At the first stroke of my calloused fingers, Allie came. Her body jolted and shuddered as she said my name. I came down over her, my hand stroking her face, my lips on hers. Her pleasure drove me wild. I had to be within her. She kissed me back passionately, one leg snaking around my hip. I took the invitation and thrust into her. The sweet slide of her body wrapped around me, the eagerness of her kiss made me shake, gritting my teeth to hold back my release. Our joining was so complete, the connection so powerful I couldn’t resist. My body arched with a climax so powerful that I saw stars, the breath leaving my lungs with the surge of pure ecstasy. As I came back to myself, eyes burning as if I were about to cry, I gathered Allie in my arms.
“I love you,” I said raggedly into her tangled hair.
She wrapped her arms around me, held me close as she could. We lay there for so long, listening to the wind and breathing in and out at the same time in perfect union. I felt my eyes drift shut and woke up to Allie kissing my hair.
“Wake up! There’s rain coming, and we’re out here naked,” she laughed. I kissed her softly.
“There’s nobody I’d rather get rained on with,” I said sleepily.
“Take me home,” she said.
I got to my feet and helped her up. We dressed quickly. She called Dori who was napping in the grass. I helped Allie onto Mantilla and led them back to the main house. For once, I let a stable hand take care of my horse while I took care of my wife at home.
“I love you,” I said probably a hundred times as we dried off in front of the fire, wrapped in a blanket, our hands all over each other. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for her. I’d learn to trust and count on her. I’d give her every reason to believe in us, to know I’d always take care of her.
“I love you so much,” Allie said, “more than I can say. Thank you for not giving up.”
Kissing her, our naked bodies entwined in the shadows of the rainstorm and the golden flare of the flames, I could imagine nothing more perfect. My tongue dipped into her mouth, and she made a sound that seemed to reach into me and drag a combination of lust and emotion from me.
“Your mouth is heavenly,” she murmured.
“That was nothing. Let me show you how wicked it can be,” I said with a grin.
I laid her back on the blanket and looped her long legs over my shoulders and put my mouth to her core. Allie’s supple, responsive body answered every stroke of my tongue with a quiver, a whimper, a gush of arousal. Her fingers played in my hair. I lifted her hips so I could feast on her. She came and came, crying out, “Raul!” at the moment of climax. I felt like a conqueror, victory and arousal making my head swim. She pulled me down above her.
“I want all of you, please,” she whispered against my lips.
With that, I kissed her again, my body hard and ready, filled with the musky taste of her, the surge of possession and power that came from making her orgasm so hard and fast. When I drove into her, parting the lush, wet folds to bury my cock deep and slow, the pleasure was intense. I choked out that I loved her as if some supernatural power had teased it out of me demanding I confess it. Her tentative movements, rocking to take more of me, drove me wild. We coupled on the floor before the fire like we were possessed. Nothing could have been more complete, more like paradise that making love to my wife in hot desperation like that.
“Welcome home,” she whispered into my hair as I lay with my cheek on her breast, spent and shaken by the depth of our connection. I felt it with every fiber of my being. I was home, in her arms, in her heart at last. All I’d ever needed to do was claim it.
“I love you, Allie,” I said, “I always will.”
There were definite advantages to being happily married, and one of them was having a home, a real one, where love waits.
Epilogue
Allie
It wasn’t enough for Raul that we made love in every room of the ranch house and out in the pasture, and by the pool under the stars. On the stool where he repaired tack out in the stable and against the barn door one night, fast and deep. He made it his mission to take me everywhere. Take being the operative word. One in an elevator at a fine hotel while we were in
Dallas for a charity event. Then again during the gala we slipped away during the dancing out onto a secluded balcony, my pink gown ruffled up to my hips as he told me how beautiful I was, how much he desired me always. His hands had been so tender and sure, stroking deep, curling just right until I broke in a trembling gush of orgasm under his relentless fingers. I had clung to his lapels as he kissed me, begged him to take me back up to the room. No quick coupling would be enough for us. It only took the edge off until we could be together in truth.
Up to the penthouse suite we had stolen away, and in crisp white sheets he had rocked above me in gentle, soul shaking thrusts. I had wept in his arms and come apart again and again. The next morning I woke up late in his arms and we ordered pancakes, fed them to each other in bed. I licked maple syrup from his chest, swirled some on my finger and slicked his lower lip with it so I could suck it clean. Mischievously, he’d taken what was left in the tiny glass syrup bottle and poured it onto my fingers. I wrapped my hand around his cock without hesitation, coating its length with sticky sweetness. My lips followed my hand, tongue swirling around the sensitive crown as he grew in my mouth. I took him in my mouth, gasping at his size as always, feeling the delicious brush of him at the back of my throat as I sucked. The maple flavor didn’t mask the salt taste of his slick flesh. Raul had clutched at my messy hair, guided my face on his crotch even with a tremor in his hand that told how aroused I’d made him. He had roared, “Yes, Allie, yes, God—“ as he came. I swallowed every drop, so satisfied that I could make him lose control that way.
“I love you,” he had said, “Baby, you’re amazing. Let me—” and before he could even form sentences again, his mouth devoured my nipples, fingers pushing into me, two and then three, filling me until I bucked. I tried to hold out, great gusts of breath leaving me as I begged for more. His thumb rubbed my clit, merciless as my legs jerked and I screamed my climax for him. “You belong to me, you’re mine,” he said, his mouth on mine.
Playing Pretend Box Set Page 68