Forgiving You

by Melissa Bender

  I never once thought he would try and buy me off this way. Yes, I was well aware just how wealthy he was. After becoming engaged, I assumed I would have been asked to sign something, but he never brought it up.

  I scribbled a very fancy go fuck yourself message in a black marker over each of the divorce papers and placed it back on the bench. He can have everything: the house, the cars, and the money. The one thing he wasn’t getting was our daughter, and I would get my own damn lawyer to make sure that happened. Hell, I would get my brother to represent me against him.

  I had my own savings from when I was working. Chris and I never spent anything from that account, and fortunately, it was only in my name. Chris couldn’t touch a cent in it, and even though there weren’t millions of dollars in there, it was enough to keep me settled until I found work. I could take a year to spend with my daughter, Lucy, then go back to work part-time doing what I loved.

  I only packed my clothing and Lucy’s belongings that we would need. I didn’t need anything else. I called up the concierge, Leighton, from the front desk, and he helped bring the things down to my car, loading it up in my Jeep as I set off for the long drive I was about to embark on.

  Chris would have never expected me to go to a place like this. We loved the city, living a fast-paced life of dining out and luxury. We had a penthouse in the city, and although it was amazing, it wasn’t where he and I wanted to raise our children. We’d spend weekends, visiting open homes in the suburbs, but couldn’t ever find a home to our liking or one we agreed on. Somewhere to relax in peace, which wasn’t going to happen anytime soon with a newborn, but one can wish.

  My amazing friend, Vanessa—or Ness as I usually referred to her as—lived along the beach in a caravan park for travelling tourists. She loved it so much that she bought one for a permanent residence. I didn’t blame her though. I was only staying here after she mentioned her neighbouring one was vacant. Three bedrooms, probably too big for me, but she was out finding me a crib and changing table. I hadn’t told her the exact reason as to why I was coming down, but that’s one of the many reasons I loved her. She never pressed for details unless I was ready to talk, and at this moment, I wasn’t quite ready. It was a face to face conversation and with possibly a large glass of wine.

  I pulled over twice, breastfeeding before getting back on the road and driving yet again. The radio didn’t distract me as I kept replaying everything over in my mind. What went wrong? How? Why? Who? It was doing my head in. Tears ran down my cheeks as hormones played with every emotion my body could go through.

  From anger to heartache, I just didn’t understand. Chris had been to every appointment and every scan, and always made the effort. My late-night cravings didn’t bother him. He was always eager to run down to the store and fulfil my hunger for those evenings. Pizza was my main craving, which he loved because he was never one to complain about eating that. Pizza was now the last thing I wanted.

  Checking my messages after I parked the car beside Ness’s, I noticed no missed calls or messages. Nothing at all—not from Chris, nor his family. They all knew I was due, and I honestly thought that maybe they would have called. His sister, Samantha, and I were close, so it really surprised me she hadn’t called to check in.

  More tears filled my eyes as I thought about how easy it was for him to leave me. He promised me we would be together forever, and that I was all he needed in life. He was the same to me.

  I guess they were just words—words filled with empty promises.

  Chapter Two

  Tonight was the night I was going on a date with Chris. A proper date where he picked me up and took me somewhere of his choosing.

  Excitement consumed me.

  It was hard to believe that we had only met a mere week ago, but something had felt so right between us. Chris’s age didn’t bother me, and he didn’t care that I was somewhat younger than he was, which was a relief.

  His age attracted me, knowing he was mature and not going to screw me around.

  The night we had shared a kiss, Chris stayed over. We never slept together, but he did share my bed, and he held me close to his body all night as the loud rain poured heavily against the windows.

  I guess we were kind of dating, but nothing was official.

  The only thing I was worried about was my brother. If Adam knew I had let a man spend the night in my bedroom—one who I barely knew—he would flip. Protective was an understatement.

  There was a loud, short knock on my door. I froze, then I walked over with shaky legs to open the door. I was met with a handsome-looking Chris who was in a casual V-neck shirt and dark blue jeans. Instantly, I smiled, unable to hold back as he grinned down at me. “You look beautiful.”

  I was only in red skinny jeans, a black baggy shirt, and black slip-on shoes—the opposite of sexy. “You look better.” I grinned, biting my lower lip as my heart rate picked up when he stepped in closer towards me.

  “I missed you all week,” he murmured, my hands wrapped around his neck and I stood up on my toes to meet him halfway for a kiss. I liked his height; it makes me feel small and safe in his arms as he towered above me.

  Chris drove; we were heading out to see a movie. It’s very cliché, but we had similar taste in movies and there was a new comedy that I was eager to see. Two and a half hours later, we walked out of the cinema hand in hand, trying to keep a straight face from the heated make out we had done in the middle of the cinema. I could have easily straddled his lap, and ground us both to a happy ending, but there were other people around.

  I was expecting to go home, but he led me towards the road instead of heading to his parked black BMW. “The date isn’t over yet.” He wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me closer against his side.

  “It’s almost midnight.” I stupidly pointed out, looking around at the near-empty park as we walked across the road.

  “Just come for a walk; we won’t be long.” He bent slightly, pressing his lips to my temple.

  We walked through the park and down to the lake. There was absolute silence this time of the night; nothing but a few splashes in the water from the ducks waddling away from us. It was peaceful and nice; quite a change from the loudness that normally fills my day.

  “Charlotte, I have a feeling you may freak out a little, but I need to get this off my chest before anything else happens. Hell, I’m fucking worried.” Chris cleared his throat, sitting down on the park bench and bringing me down on his lap.

  “Do you not want to see me again?” Christ, had the date been that bad?

  “Quite the opposite, actually. I’m not looking at this as something short-term. I don’t have time to play games. Work keeps me busy, and it’s been my life for quite some time, but since meeting you, I know I want a lot more with you than I ever thought, especially since we barely know each other.” He looked up at me, worry clear in his expression.

  I smiled looking back at him, my hands cupping his face as I rested my forehead to his and let out a relieved breath. “I have no objections to that, councillor.”

  ***

  I spotted Ness near her car in front of a building. She was waving and smiling brightly as she walked out of her cosy little cabin. She rushed over, opening the car door for me, and as soon as I stepped outside, she brought me into a big warm, welcoming hug.

  “I can’t believe you’re really here!” She squealed with delight.

  “I know. Me either.” I couldn’t, because I didn’t think I would be. My hormones played up again, and I was fighting the urge to burst into tears and break down. Now wasn’t the time; I had a baby I needed to be strong for.

  Dangling the keys in front of me, she wiggled her brows. “Ready to check out your new place?”

  I could only smile; she knew how to distract me all too well. “Heck, yes! Show me the way.”

  She had sold herself short describing the place; I loved it already. There was a small, but simple kitchen that was off from the open living and dining area
. I followed her down the hallway, passing a bathroom and two rooms until she opened the end bedroom. The first thing I noticed was the oak wood bassinet; it has pink bedding with a small light grey bunny that was beside the king-sized bed. “It’s perfect, thank you.”

  “Oh no, you haven’t seen the best part yet.” She spun on her heels as I followed with Lucy in my arms. Guesting to the other bedroom, she said: “For your parents, or brother. And now, for the main event . . .”

  “What have you done?” I laughed, pressing my lips to Lucy’s soft head of black hair. “I’m nervous.”

  “Don’t be.” She winked, pushing open the last door, and walked inside. “Welcome to your bedroom, Lucy.”

  I stood, staring in disbelief at what she had created in such a short time. Ness had created a dreamy, beautiful nursery. There were no words for how I felt right now, and I was afraid to speak, knowing I would burst into tears at any second. Finally, it felt like hours before I could say anything. “Thank you,” I whispered, unable to use my normal voice. “Lucy will love it. Heck, I even love it.”

  I felt Ness’ hand on my back as she rested a head against my shoulder and stroked her fingers gently against sleeping Lucy’s cheek. “I will always be here for whenever you need me. Both of you.”

  “You’re amazing.” I smiled. “You truly are.”

  “I know. Anyway, tell me how you chose Lucy’s name? It suits her so well; so dainty and delicate. She’s just perfect.”

  That she is.

  Smiling, I switched arms as Lucy stirred against my chest but stayed asleep. “Chris’s nan, she passed away a few months ago, and I know how close they were. I wasn’t going to tell him, and I knew deep down he would have liked to name his daughter after her.”

  ***

  It was a relief to take a shower. Ness eagerly held Lucy whilst I cleaned myself up. Bleeding heavily, aching and swollen breasts — it wasn’t the most attractive feeling. My pyjamas were giving me comfort as I walked outside onto the deck and found Ness with a glass of wine, whilst still cradling a sleeping Lucy.

  I sat down with a hot tea in hand and sighed. My eyes still stung from the hot tears that I wasn’t able to hold in any longer.

  “Char, what happened? Everything seemed to be so well when we spoke last week; you had only just done that maternity photo shoot.”

  I shrugged, feeling more tears springing to life, but also smiling at the same time. “Chris left me. I called when I went into labour, and he said he was on his way, but he never showed up. I haven’t heard from him since then. I thought maybe he was in an accident, or something went wrong, but nothing at all.” I wiped my eyes, shaking my head, annoyed. “Oh, wait. If you call, leaving divorce papers for me to sign on the kitchen bench hearing from him, then yeah, I heard from him this morning when I went home,” I said bitterly. I was never an angry person; always seeing the good in people.

  “You’re joking, right? What the actual hell! Like seriously, what would make him not show up to the birth of his firstborn, and then slap you with a divorce?” Ness shook her head angrily.

  I bit my lip, looking at her. I honestly had no idea how to answer that. I really didn’t.

  I didn’t want a divorce, and I wouldn’t sign. Well, not until I knew the reason Chris left us.

  We sat outside for a while longer. Ness wanted the gory details of my labour and birth; I eagerly gave them, unable to hide my amusement as she cringed and crossed her legs with horror and refused to ever have children.

  Sitting out here, I breastfed again and stared down at my daughter. She looked so innocent, unaware of any heartache and hurt the world could throw at her. I would do everything I could to protect her and keep her safe. I would do my best to move on, take care of her, and make sure she had all she would ever need.

  If her father didn’t want her, then that was his issue. But for me, I had fallen in love with a small version of myself and would make sure she knew how loved she was every single day.

  Chapter Three

  “Move in with me?” he asked with a daring smile.

  My brow shot up, excitement coursing through me unexpectedly. I hadn’t even consider that an option, especially after just four short weeks of dating; nor was I planning to answer Chris the way I did. “Yes.”

  “Wait, really?” Chris grinned, putting his chopsticks back down into his Thai takeout box. “You’re teasing?”

  I laughed, shaking my head. “Aren’t you meant to be a lawyer or something? I thought you could tell when someone is bluffing.”

  “I can never tell with you,” he muttered, leaning back in his chair.

  Standing up, I made my way around the glass desk and over to him, leaning forward as I sat on his lap. “Christopher, when would you like me to move in? Or, would you like to move in with me? I have a nice apartment that’s all cosy and warm.”

  He laughed, his palms on my thighs, slowly running up and then back down again. “Your apartment, while it is nice, it’s too small. Move in with me this weekend.”

  I let out a groan, playing with him for a moment. “I don’t know. I mean, your apartment is so clean, and I might mess everything up. You love to clean, clean, clean.” I laughed, leaning in closer, our mouths almost touching. When his hand slipped beneath my dress and moved closer towards my inner thigh, a soft moan escaped, and I sucked in a breath. “Mmm.”

  “Mess my apartment up. I don’t care. I just want you with me,” he said, and I felt his fingers brush against the fabric of my panties.

  “Chris . . .” I moaned, my eyes closing on their own accord. “You’ll need to meet my brother . . . my parents . . .” I trailed, losing all of my concentration.

  His fingers stopped moving as my eyes opened. I had my hands working on loosening his belt and tugging his tucked in shirt out. “I’ll meet anyone you want me to.”

  Slipping my hand inside his navy slacks, I leaned in, our mouths still close but not touching. “I want you.”

  “Not here,” Chris said. His hand went to mine, stopping me from moving into his boxer shorts. “I want you. Oh, fuck do I want you, but I’d rather do it on a bed for our first time.”

  We parted briefly, and I slumped back against his desk. We hadn’t done anything, and I was starting to feel the sexual tension between us and what we were both craving for. I wanted him so badly. “When?”

  Cupping my cheeks, he leaned in once again, pressing his warm soft lips to mine. My whole body reacted to his touch—a simple touch which drove me wild. “When I can spend hours exploring your body, making you come, and then doing it all again the next morning.”

  I half moaned, gripping his tie tighter. “Oh, I love you.” The words slipped effortlessly.

  Expecting him to pull away, freak out, or say he had work to do, he snaked an arm around my waist and pulled me in close. Our eye contact never once broke as he cupped my cheek and whispered, “I love you. I want to make love to you.”

  Our mouths finally met again, and we kissed. Slow and sensual, his tongue took sweet dominance. Holding me tightly, as I held on for dear life too.

  ***

  In the seven days that I had been here in my new place, I hadn’t heard from Chris. Nothing at all. Did I want to hear from him? Oh, so desperately.

  The only plus about this whole situation was that I was settling into my own routine with Lucy, and we were going fine. Yes, night times were hard and especially with my stomach pain, but it was slowly getting better each day. Lucy woke every four hours, and when I was too tired, I would do a cheeky feed in bed where she would fall back asleep quite quickly. I should have napped during the day when she slept, but I was unable to take my eyes off her, a terrible but such a wonderful way to waste time.

  My thoughts of Chris were still there. I wasn’t going to deny that he wasn’t always on my mind. He was. There were times when I wanted to call him. I needed him, my husband, my lover—the man I loved with my whole heart. How could I just walk away from that? It was hard to think that we wo
uld never have what we once used to. Did he really not love me? Was this him just trying to say he had a change of heart?

  Every day, I worried more and more.

  Lucy had her father’s jet black hair and dark blue eyes. She was so much like him, even with her long lashes. She would be a heartbreaker, that’s for sure.

  We had settled in here better than I had expected. Yes, there were times when I just cried randomly, and I was grateful that Ness was here, helping whenever she could. I loved to sit out on the balcony, staring off into the sunset, or waking up early to catch the sunrise. Each morning gave me a newfound hope that Lucy and I would be alright, and that one day I would look back on the pain, and it wouldn’t hurt as much. That day was far from close, but I still held onto hope.

  My rings were fixed on my finger, unable to slide off the white gold promise I had made the day we married. Maybe he had already disposed of his, thrown it over a bridge or tossed it out the window at his firm.

  How was he coping?

  I think every woman’s first thought in this situation would be assuming their loved one was finding comfort in another woman, fucking someone else to get over the woman in their head. He once told me that he didn’t believe in one-night stands, but nothing made me feel sicker than to think he was deep inside some random woman from a bar.

  Walking back into the bedroom after the quickest shower I ever took, I bent over Lucy’s bassinette and smiled to myself. The number of photographs I had taken of her each day was crazy. She was just perfect, truly incredible as she slept peacefully. So content, without a care in the world, and not knowing the heartbreak that would come later in life.

  Still in my pyjamas, because I didn’t feel the need to throw on something pretty and do my makeup, I laid back down on the bed, reaching for my Mac laptop. I had managed to avoid Adam, and that was only because he was away still. I replied to his texts, but that’s about it.