If anything, I missed my belly. I missed being pregnant.
I guess I could see why Mum was worried about me slipping back. I had a hard time in high school. Being bullied and dealing with puberty, it wasn’t the best time of my life. I wasn’t overweight at the time, but the hurtful taunts had it burned into my brain that I was fat and disgusting.
I just stopped eating.
If I ate, I felt guilty and forced myself to vomit each day.
No one knew about it, and then I just stopped eating altogether. I would skip meals, making myself fast, and if I had to eat something, I would work myself harder. Running each morning before my parents woke and then again in the afternoon, and I covered my body with baggy clothing so my parents wouldn’t notice the sudden change in my appearance.
Unfortunately, one morning, I had been in my room changing after a shower when Adam had made an early surprise visit home from college. I was only in my bra and boy shorts panties when he had barged in to wake me up, and the look of horror that struck his face as he froze in the doorway told me he knew what I had been doing.
The fight that had erupted in the house was like a war. Adam’s voice boomed so loud as he called out to Mum and Dad that I was sure the neighbours had heard him. He dragged me out by my arm to show them the bones protruding from my skin, demanding to know why they hadn’t done anything about it to help me since he was gone.
Mum and Dad just stared shocked at me; they had no clue about any of it. It wasn’t their fault, but that only made Adam more furious. He had packed my bags, and I moved in with him. I’ll never forget the sight of my mother sobbing as we drove out. It was the right move. He helped and arranged for me to finish school early and from home. There were non-negotiable doctor appointments, and with the help of my brother, I was back to healthy weight. I had never stepped foot on a set of scales since then.
Chris did know; I opened up and spoke to him about everything. That I had an eating disorder and that was a big part of why my brother and I were so close. Chris understood, and he never once made me feel anything less than sexy.
I stepped out of the shower and was met with nothing but silence. The whole house was dead quiet, and I knew that the tension was going to be thick once I went back out to them.
I changed into a pair of black yoga pants and a breastfeeding top. I made my way over to pick up Lucy, but noticed she wasn’t in her bed. Adam must have come and got her. I walked out and went back down towards the kitchen. Mum was cooking a feast for their breakfast, typical of her.
She was always trying to prove a point.
My bowl made a clunk sound as I dropped it into the water in the sink. I looked around and over to the sliding doors; Adam was outside with a bottle, feeding Lucy. He had even changed her clothing, dressing her in a floral-patterned summer suit.
“I can’t wait until you have kids,” I said, joining them.
“No kids for me. I’m just happy playing uncle.” He laughed back, wiping a bit of split breast milk from her chin.
“You don’t need to worry about me.” I looked at them, sighing. “I’m eating properly. I’m not going to starve myself.”
“I know. I just worry; we all do.” He offered a smile. “Just make sure you take care of yourself.”
I hesitated, biting my lip then confessing with a swirl of emotion inside my stomach. “I sent a photo of Lucy to Chris last night. He called. We spoke very briefly, but he asked for a photo, and I sent one.”
He nodded, leaning back on the wicker chair and looking out at the ocean. “Did he say anything back to you?”
“Yes.” The bubble of well-kept emotion was about to burst. “That she was perfect.”
“Are you okay?” he asked with concern, his eyes shifted to mine.
With a shrug, I could easily lie and say yes. Or, I could be honest and say no. I just didn’t know anymore. “I miss him.” It was the god honest truth. I just really fucking missed him.
I was glad I hadn’t bothered to put a full face of makeup on because it would have been ruined by the crying I was now doing again. I hated crying. I was doing my own head in with it. I thought I would have been well out of tears by now. After a couple weeks of constantly crying, it should have only gotten easier, but instead, it was getting harder.
Everything was becoming too much for me. I was slowly crumbling, falling in defeat over my mess of a so-called life. My parents being here was adding a new stress that I didn’t need. I didn’t need to listen to the nagging and complaining; they were still bickering in the kitchen. It was no wonder Adam was sitting out here on his own.
“Do you feel like going for a walk?” I suggested. A walk always cleared my mind.
“Sounds like an effing good idea.” He blew out a long breath, placing the towel over his shoulder and getting ready to burp Lucy.
We bolted out of the door, ignoring Mum’s yelling to come back and eat the food she cooked before it went cold, both of us laughing as I pushed the pram down the pathway towards the beach.
It was going to be another beautiful day; the water was falling against the sand as it came to shore.
The beach was one of my favourite places to be.
We walked in nothing but complete silence. There was a pathway going right around the edge of the water, so we just kept on following it. I spotted Mum and Dad walking towards us, and I hit Adam in the side, making him turn around and groan as he ended the work call he had taken. “Fingers crossed Mum has calmed down.”
“One can only hope.” I chuckled as we reached them, both looking nervous yet happy. They were up to something.
“I have a wonderful idea.” Mum smiled as she reached us. “Why don’t you come back home and live with us? I can take care of you and Lucy when Adam goes back to work.”
I looked at Adam, and he just shook his head and walked off. Mum acted as though Adam couldn’t help me, which he was incapable of being able to look after Lucy as well. “Mum, thanks, and I really appreciate everything, but I am staying here for the time being. I like it here.”
She nodded but didn’t say anything. It was a telltale sign that she wasn’t happy with my answer.
After we came back from the walk, Mum managed to force me to sit down and eat everything she piled up on my plate. There was so much food, and I had told her after eating both pancakes, I didn’t want any more. She didn’t listen and piled two more on, plus more eggs and three sausages.
I hated sausages with a passion. There was no way she would get me to eat them.
Feeding and changing a diaper that made me want to throw up, I put Lucy to bed and walked into the bedroom for a break. I was done listening to the constant fighting. I had come here to relax and get away from all the tension. I wanted a new life and a new start, but instead, I was feeling suffocated.
Mum was trying to help, but it was making me feel like I couldn’t take care of myself. I felt judged.
I stood up and walked out calmly, but I held my ground. “That’s it,” I said firmly. “This needs to stop. I am staying here until I sort something else out. For now, this is my home, and you can’t come in and tell me how to live my life. I’m 26 for crying out loud; Adam is almost 35. You treat him and me like incapable stupid children. I need some space,” I seethed, my temper flaring as I shook my head. I heard Lucy wake again and let out a frustrated groan.
“Let me take her.” Mum offered when I walked back out with her.
I shook my head, refusing. “No. I am her mother. I’m taking her for a walk. Alone.”
“Don’t you dare leave here; we haven’t finished talking. Lucy needs a nap so put her to bed; let her cry to sleep. We need to sit and have a long talk about everything that’s going on,” Mum called out, following me.
I turned back, and if my expression didn’t tell her to back up, then my words sure did. “Don’t you dare tell me what to do with my daughter. I am her mother, and I will be taking her with me.”
“Charlotte.” I heard my name being c
alled.
Not in the mood, I snapped back. “What?” I asked, placing her in her pram and tucking the blanket in.
But when I turned to see who was calling out to me, I was frozen to the spot.
My heart was racing, breathing faster as I gripped the handle of the pram. I just looked at Chris, unable to blink. What was he doing here? What did he want? Had he come to deliver the divorce papers in person?
I had so many questions to ask, but there were no words; nothing came out as I opened my mouth to speak. He hadn’t shaved, and it was almost strange to see him without a clean-shaven face. He was dressed well: jeans, polo shirt, and pair of brown leather shoes. Almost rugged, sexy.
It was like seeing him for the first time all over again.
But then I remembered what he had done, and how he had left me and his daughter.
Chapter Seven
“Mum? Dad?” Chris called out as we entered his parents’ home.
A big beautiful country house that he had spent his entire life growing up in. The family home he was raised in until he moved out almost ten years ago, living alone ever since then. Well, until now.
“In here, Christopher,” a woman, who I assume was his mother, called out.
I heard Chris groan at being called his full name. It only made me giggle. “Ready to meet the parents?” He winked, placing a hand against my lower back and trying to sneak down to my ass as his fingers spread out to caress.
I squirmed, wiggling and sliding away. “Now is not the time to turn me on, Christopher,” I murmured in a low voice, glancing up at him as he let out a quiet chuckle, and pulled a face at my reference to his name.
Walking through a wooden oak door to a large kitchen, I was met with an older greyer version of my boyfriend—his father. I’d seen photos of his parents, but to meet and see them in the flesh was daunting. His mother, carrying a tray of biscuits as she walked out, greeted us both with a warm smile.
I spoke first, unafraid. “Hello, I’m Charlotte.”
“Son?” Mr. Rivers spoke, looking from me to Chris, who stood beside me.
“Dad, meet my girlfriend.” Chris wrapped his arm tighter around me “Charlotte, these are my parents, David and Cindy.”
“Pigs must be flying if my big brother is finally in love.” Another voice called out as a bubbly woman bounced out with eagerness, greeting us with a huge smile. “Did he pay you?”
“I wish.” I winked.
“Shut up.” He scoffed, rolling his eyes at then woman. “Charlotte, this is my sister, Samantha.”
She walked right up and pulled me in for a hug “Nice to meet you, Charlotte. If you can put up with my brother, then you must be one hell of a woman.”
“He’s all right. I’ve got him tamed. Still, a little bossy and obsessed with neatness, but I’m almost on the verge of a breakthrough.” I laughed, looking up at Chris, giving him a grin and nudge at the same time.
He rolled his eyes back at me. “Well, at least I follow the ‘leave the seat down’ rule perfectly.”
There were two gasps that followed that revelation. Both came from one each of the women. “You two live together?” Chris’s mum asked, placing the tray down and removing her oven mitt.
“For about two months now,” Chris said, making himself at home by going to the fridge, opening and taking a drink out.
“Wait, how long have you been together for and what the hell is on your finger?” Chris’ father walked over, grabbing hold of his hand, and his sister did the same with me.
“Oh my god! Are you serious? A fucking tattoo?” Samantha screeched loudly; her eyes were full of humour, clearly loving the drama about to unfold.
“I know. We’re crazy, aren’t we?” I just smiled, slipping onto the bar stool opposite his mother. “He talked me into it. I was ink free until this man convinced me to spend the weekend with him.” I teased, as Chris let out a laugh.
“Bullshit. You had a tattoo before me.” He smirked, running a finger over the nape of my neck. “Birds of all things.”
I rolled my eyes. “Birds are pretty; we should get one for the apartment.” I teased, poking my tongue out at him.
“Don’t hold your breath.” He winked and went off talking to his father about a case he was currently working on.
Three months together, and I wouldn’t change a thing; he was definitely the one for me.
***
My reality was like a bucket of ice water thrown in my face.
“Chris,” I said, knowing he was really standing here, but not wanting to believe it.
He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. His eyes were glazed over, appearing darker than they usually were.
“Charlotte.” He stepped closer towards me. His voice wasn’t what it used to be; he sounded as though his life was over. There was defeat in him. “I had to see you.”
“Why? To drop off the divorce papers?” I couldn’t stop myself from saying it.
“I don’t . . . I just . . .” he trailed off with a murmur, his gaze dropped down to where he stood. Shuffling his feet, he looked like a lost child, standing there, waiting to be found.
It was only a matter of time before Adam, or worse, my parents walked out and spotted him.
In my mind, I wanted to punch him. I really did. I just wanted to hit him and scream at him. Curse his name under the sun about how much he had broken my heart. But my heart was yearning for him. My heart missed its soul mate. Part of me didn’t want to care. I just didn’t want to feel a thing for him. I wasn’t the one who left after all. The strange thing was that I still loved him.
So instead of being a bitch and telling him to fuck right off, I took a step towards him, offering the kindness he didn’t deserve without any emotion at all. “I’m going for a walk; would you like to join us?”
“Yes.” His reply so soft I almost didn’t hear, but I didn’t miss the glimmer of hope in his eyes that I hadn’t written him off completely. I had a thousand questions for him, and a million more things to get off my chest.
We both fell into a slow pace; he stood beside me as I pushed the pram down the pavement, leading the way to nowhere in particular. But it was nice to just walk; it took the focus from my anger I felt towards my mum at the moment with her intrusive questioning.
It would have to be the most awkward and uncomfortable silence I had ever been in. Chris didn’t speak. His hands were in his pockets, as he looked ahead towards the ocean. I didn’t know whether I should make the first move or wait until he spoke to me. So I stayed silent and just kept walking, holding in my tongue as my mind raced with every thought possible.
Nearing a picnic table opposite the water, I broke the silence. “Do you mind if we sit for a moment?”
He nodded, cutting over the grass towards the table as I manoeuvred the pram to a stop. “Are you okay?” he asked, sitting but looking with concern.
“Just sore,” I said quietly, because I was sore. My stomach was healing, but there was a reason I was on strict six-week–no-overdoing-it rules.
The awkward silence was there again; neither of us making any move to talk. I sat, rocking the pram back and forth so Lucy wouldn’t wake up. It was minutes later when I decided to talk, not knowing what good it would have done, but it was worth a shot.
“She was born 4:32 p.m. the day I had gone into labour. The cord was wrapped around her neck and was choking her. I had to have an emergency C-section. She was blue when they pulled her from me. She didn’t cry at first, not until after her cord was cut.” I gazed down at Lucy, remembering how worried and scared I had been that she wasn’t making a sound. “She was so perfect against my chest and eager for my breast. She was so small, but definitely has your height.” I didn’t dare look over at him, afraid my voice would waver, and my words would turn to cries. “I had no one. No one visited me in hospital. My first baby and I were alone. I had to drive home against doctors’ orders because I had no one to help me.”
“Charlotte—”
I
ignored him and kept talking. “Ness asked me to come here, and it was better than being alone back there. I didn’t think; I just packed what I needed and left. Adam came a couple days later and had helped me a lot. My parents arrived yesterday morning, and you can imagine it’s been hell.” I bit my tongue, holding onto the emotions that were starting to break. “My brother is doing the job you’re meant to do. He’s up with me during the night, helping with feeding and soothing our daughter’s cries. He holds her while I try and shower, or when I’m so exhausted, that I need an hour of sleep.” I blew out a hard breath, calming myself. “You destroyed me.” I didn’t yell, nor did I scream or say all of that to make him feel bad, but to make him see that he has missed out on so much. “You know me. You know I would never do something so cruel and hurtful. You should know I would never cheat on you.”
When I looked up, I realised he was crying. His whole body shaking, his cheeks wet as he put his head in his hands and shook his head. I couldn’t help but notice he was still wearing his wedding ring as I reached up, taking his hand in mine.
“What’s her name?” he asked, still keeping his head down.
“Lucy Charlotte Rivers.”
“Lucy?” he turned his attention on me, surprise evident.
Nodding, I pulled my hand back. “I knew you would have wanted to call her that.”
“Wow, I don’t deserve that at all.” He sighed. “Thank you. It means a lot that you called her after my gran.” He licked his lips, rubbing his eyes with his thumbs. “I was just angry—so fucking angry. I really believed that it was you in the photos. Then when you sent them back last night, I felt as if I had the wind knocked out of me. I had to come here.” His voice was shaky. “I abandoned you. I abandoned our daughter. I hate myself. I fucking hate myself.”
I felt the pram move for a brief second. Lucy was awake. I stared at him and said the only thing I could think of. “Would you like to hold your daughter?”
He shook his head. “I don’t deserve to hold her after everything. I thought she wasn’t mine, Charlotte. What type of Dad am I? I believed you cheated on me,” he said, cursing himself angrily.
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