Addison’s eyes grew narrow as Renee pulled herself together. “My other friend said that my mommy is probably still alive.” Addison drew in another quick breath, hitting the floor with her toes, her anger building with each kick of her black school shoes.
Renee struggled to find words to help this sweet little girl. “I’m sure your real mommy had her reasons. Sometimes mommies can’t take care—”
“I hate my real mom,” Addison spat out, cutting off Renee’s explanation. “She didn’t love me. I hope I never have to see her. Ever. I hate her.”
Renee fell back against the chair, her world whirling around her with each bit of venom coming from her daughter’s lips.
She tried to breathe, couldn’t catch enough air.
Then the door to the office opened, and Blythe poked her head inside.
“There you are, you stinker,” she said to Addison in a teasing singsong voice at odds with the heavy atmosphere in the room. “We should go. I have to help my mother with some grocery shopping before we go to my place.”
Addison sniffled and stood up. Then without a backward glance at Renee, she left.
I hate my real mommy.
Those five words dragged out all the guilt and pain and sorrow that had been bottled up for years.
Renee pressed ice-cold hands to her face, trying to center herself, struggling to know how to handle all her emotions.
Swirling through the center of them was one thought.
Tate was right.
She was glad they hadn’t told Addison.
Was that only a few minutes ago that she had so looked forward to seeing Tate? Was that flash of happiness the last one she would ever experience? She was dimly aware of the noises beyond the back room, her head still ringing with Addison’s words.
“Renee?”
Her mother tapping at the office door broke into Renee’s jumbled thoughts. She blinked and inhaled, not wanting Brenda to see her anguish. “What is it?”
The door opened and her mom wheeled herself inside, frowning at Renee. “What’s going on? Why are you hiding in here? Where’s Addison? I thought you were still talking with her.”
Renee held up one hand, forestalling further questions. “Not now, Mom.”
“What do you mean, ‘not now’? You’ve been sitting here for over twenty minutes. I thought you were busy in here with Addison, and now I see she’s gone.”
“She left with Blythe,” Renee said, surprised she could still speak.
“Tate called a few moments ago. He said something about your date tonight? You should probably call him back.”
Why hadn’t he asked to talk to her?
Had Addison gone to his office and told him the same thing?
I hate her.
If it came down to that, she knew who Tate would choose.
Brenda wheeled herself into the office and closed the door. “Renee, what is going on?”
“It doesn’t matter.” Renee got up and brushed her pants, as if brushing off the memories that clung to her.
“It does. I can see you’re upset. I haven’t seen you this upset since...”
“The accident?” Renee finished for her.
Brenda shook her head. “No. Since I asked you what happened to your baby.”
Another shock trickled like ice down Renee’s spine. She and her mother seldom spoke of that day, when her mother had come out of her coma after the accident. After Addison’s birth. The first thing Brenda had asked Renee was where her baby was. Renee hadn’t answered, and Addison had never come up again. It was as if they’d silently agreed to leave that topic buried.
“Renee, please tell me what’s going on,” her mother pleaded. “I feel like this is all connected to Addison and Tate somehow. Tell me. Please.”
Renee could taste the words on her tongue.
Addison is my daughter. Your granddaughter.
“No. I can’t,” was all she could say.
Then a peculiar expression washed over her mom’s face.
“She’s your girl, isn’t she?” she said, her voice tight with suppressed emotion. “Addison is the baby you gave up for adoption. She’s my granddaughter.”
Renee stared at her mother, wishing she could tell her no.
Then Brenda caught her by the hand, her fingers strong and hard. “Don’t deny it. I’ve always felt a strong connection to her, and you’re not saying no. Why couldn’t I see it?”
Renee wanted to deny it, but she couldn’t contain the information anymore. “Because she looks more like Dwight than me,” Renee said, her voice quiet.
“Were you and Tate ever going to tell her?”
“No. Tate and I didn’t talk about that.”
“What did you talk about?”
About me wanting to tell Addison about us.
Too easily she remembered Tate’s hesitation, and though she understood it, she also felt as if she didn’t matter to him. Well, apparently, she didn’t matter to her daughter, either.
“You need to call Tate. To find out what’s going on,” her mother urged. “You need to talk about Addison.”
Renee thought back to Addison’s angry words, and she felt the sorrow rising in her throat. She couldn’t cry. Not now. “Please stop telling me what to do with my life,” she snapped.
“Why not? You’ve spent eight years telling me what to do with mine.”
Renee just stared at her, feeling as if her mother had just slapped her.
“It’s always been for you,” Renee said. “Everything I’ve ever done has been about you getting better.”
Her mother, still holding on to her hand, shook her head. “No. It’s been for you. Everything that we’ve done, all the plans we’ve made the past year, have been about you trying to erase your guilt.”
“How can you say that?” Renee asked, the pain rising to the surface. “I thought this therapy program was what you wanted, too.”
“At first, maybe, but I agreed with all the plans, the appointments, the hoping and dreaming, because I thought it was the only way you would forgive yourself. For a while I wanted it, too, but for your sake more than mine. I could see how the guilt consumed you. Then I realized I was allowed to put myself first, and in the past few weeks I had a reason to. I don’t want to go to Vancouver anymore. Not if it means moving away from Arlan and Addison. My granddaughter.”
Her mother’s claim on the little girl sent a fresh wave of sorrow coursing through Renee.
“If you really cared about me, you would have told me about Addison when you found out,” her mother continued, her voice heavy with desolation. “I lost more than my ability to walk in that accident. I lost my grandchild. And that’s always bothered me more than this wheelchair has.”
“I had no right to tell you about her,” Renee said. “I gave up that right when I walked away from the hospital. I gave her up because I needed to take care of you. Everything I did was so you could become the person you deserved to be. I thought if I could see you walk again, the sacrifice I made would be worthwhile. But she’s not my daughter now. She’s Tate’s.”
“She’s always been your daughter,” Brenda said. “Always will be.”
Renee felt as if she was falling into a hurricane of sorrow and anguish. She needed some room to breathe, to think.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I can’t talk about this anymore.” She was about to walk away, when her mother called her name.
“What about Tate?” she asked. “What do I tell him when he calls?”
Renee stopped, clutching her midsection. “Nothing. Don’t tell him anything. Please, just do that much for me. Don’t tell Tate and please don’t approach Addison.”
Then she walked out of the store and down the street. How could she think about being with Tate now?
Addison was everything to him. He protected her and cared for her.
And to Addison, Renee was nothing.
Chapter Thirteen
Tate dropped his phone onto the cradle, leaned back in his offi
ce chair and shoved his hands through his hair. Renee hadn’t answered her phone for the past two hours.
Mrs. Albertson wouldn’t tell him what was happening when he went to the store. The only thing she would say was that Renee was upset and needed some space.
Had she changed her mind about them? Was she having second thoughts?
He thought back to that moment in the office. After he had told her he didn’t want Addison to know about them yet.
She had pulled away, created a distance. And she hadn’t spoken to him since.
He turned back to his computer, trying to focus on what was on the screen, when his cell phone buzzed. Renee. Finally.
He drew in a steady breath and forced a light and cheerful tone to his voice. “Hey. How’s it going?”
All he heard on her end was a sniff, and dread curled through his stomach.
“Are you okay? Did something happen?”
“I’m okay. I’m just...” Another sniff followed.
“Just what? Did you hurt yourself?”
“No. No. Nothing like that.” She drew in a long breath. “I won’t be going out with you tonight.”
“Why not? Did something else come up?”
“Sort of.” She released a bitter laugh, and his stomach churned. “And that’s why tonight isn’t happening.”
“What do you mean, ‘isn’t happening’? Do you want to do it another night? Tomorrow?”
“No...no. I don’t know.”
Her hesitation scared him. “Are you upset with me because I didn’t want to tell Addison about us?”
“No. It’s a good thing you didn’t. Not now.”
Tate tried to wrap his head around what she was saying, wishing he could see her face and decipher her emotions. “Where are you? We need to talk about this.”
“No. There’s nothing to talk about.”
“I can’t believe that,” he said, pressing his fingers to his pounding temples. “What aren’t you telling me?”
Silence rose up between them.
“I can’t be what you want me to be,” Renee finally said. “And I can’t be what Addison needs. This will never work.”
Icy dread shivered down his spine, and his stomach clenched. No. Not again. Memories of Molly’s betrayal taunted him.
You were left behind once before. Are you going to let it happen again?
Behind that question came a deluge of anger. How could Renee have done this to him, to his daughter? How could she have let herself become a part of their life, then pull away? He had been so careful with his own heart and even more cautious with Addison’s.
And now?
“So just like that? You’re giving up on me?”
She didn’t say anything.
How was he supposed to react to her silence? He had dared to think he could make future plans with her. Plans that included Addison. Her daughter.
“I just need...to get away for a while.”
Away for a while. Exactly what Molly had told him when he had discovered she was cheating on him. Why did the women in his life seem to think that problems could be resolved by running away?
But this time he wasn’t going to sit idly by. He wasn’t going to be the one sitting and waiting. And this time he was going to protect his daughter with everything in him.
“Is it just me you need to get away from, or is Addison part of this, too?”
“In a way—”
“So you’re giving up on her, too,” he said, knowing he was unleashing destruction by using words in anger. But he couldn’t stop himself. “You’re giving up on her again.”
Her gasp of pain made him instantly regret what he had said, but he couldn’t bring the words back. He waited a moment, trying to find a way to connect with her.
“I guess this is goodbye, then,” was all she said, followed by a faint click.
The conversation was over. She was gone.
He tossed the cell phone on the desk.
What had just happened?
He got up to stand by the window, his hands resting on his hips. From here he saw Evangeline’s bookstore across the street, the flower shop beside it. Beyond them, the road snaking upward to a subdivision overlooking the town where Renee and her mother lived.
He rested his forehead against the cool glass, trying to gather his scattered senses.
Renee had just ended their relationship. It was over.
He straightened, rolled his sleeves down and buttoned his cuffs. He turned back to his desk and closed the file he had been working on.
Then he grabbed his jacket, stabbed his hands in the sleeves and settled it over his shoulders.
It was over.
Now he knew he had been right to trust his intuition not to tell Addison.
Would things have gone differently between him and Renee if he had?
He shook his head, sensing that something else was going on. Brenda Albertson wouldn’t tell him, and he knew he wouldn’t be talking to Renee anytime soon.
Now what?
He turned off his computer, grabbed his briefcase and headed down the stairs and out into the street. It was close to suppertime. Shops were closing down for the day and traffic was easing off.
He glanced down the street to the scrapbook store and noticed the Closed sign on the door. Renee was obviously gone, as well.
Thinking of her made his heart hurt. That was the only way to describe what was happening to him. It was a pain that reminded him of the first time he’d realized his relationship with Molly was unraveling.
But with Renee, it hurt more. He couldn’t understand it. He had been with Molly ten years, Renee only a few weeks.
But Renee affected him in a way Molly never had. They had connected in ways he and Molly never had.
She was a woman of God.
He sighed, and walked back to the parking lot where his truck was parked. Addison was staying at Blythe’s place. His father was out for the night with Mrs. Albertson. He was on his own.
Making a quick decision, he put the truck in gear and headed home. Once there he quickly changed into his blue jeans, shirt and jacket, then headed up to Evangeline’s ranch.
Half an hour later, Tate and his horse, Duke, were heading up into the hills. The steady beat of Duke’s hooves was the only sound. He heard the occasional hum of a vehicle on the road, and then, after twenty minutes, even that was muted to nothing.
He broke out into the open field and dismounted, leading Duke to a tree. He tossed the reins over a branch, knowing it was enough to keep the horse close by, then sat down at the base of the tree, leaning back against it, looking out over the valley. He glanced over at the mountain overlooking Rockyview, trying to find the Shadow Woman Renee had pointed out on their ride together. A woman waiting for her lost love to return.
He stared, waiting as the sun drifted down the sky, and then he saw it. Just as Renee had said. A face and then the body, leaning forward. Waiting.
He doubted Renee was waiting for him. She was the one who had pushed him away.
He knew he hadn’t helped the situation, but he’d been trying to protect his heart from breaking. He couldn’t go through that again as he had with Molly.
Thank goodness he hadn’t told his daughter about his relationship with Renee. His heartbreak was hard enough to handle. He couldn’t imagine what it would have done to Addison.
I can’t be what Addison needs. I can’t be what you need.
No matter how many times he went over the conversation with Renee, he kept coming back to those puzzling words.
He laid his head back against the tree as the sun began to slip behind the mountains, the sudden cooler air washing over him.
He closed his eyes. Dear Lord, I don’t know what to think. Don’t know what to do. I trusted Renee. I cared for her. I was ready to make her a permanent part of my life. But now...
Show me what to do, Lord. Help me to trust in You. Help me to be a good father to Addison. To be the father she needs.
; His priority had always been Addison. He had to put her needs before his own.
Blessedly, he wasn’t completely alone. He could go on in God’s strength.
It would still be difficult. Renee had found a place in his heart that no woman had before. How was he ever going to fill that hole again?
“So tell me again what he said?” Evangeline asked, scraping a chair across the wooden floor to join Renee at the old, worn table that had belonged to Evangeline’s mother.
“He said I was giving up on him. Him and Addison.” Renee leaned her elbows on the table, turning her head to look out the window, hoping to hide the sorrow in her eyes.
Evangeline, like Mia, lived above her store in an apartment with windows overlooking Main Street. Renee could see her scrapbook store and Tate’s office.
Thinking of him sent a pain through her midsection.
After her conversation with Tate, she had come here. Evangeline had taken one look at Renee, put a Closed sign in the door and brought her upstairs to her apartment.
“Why did he say that?” Evangeline’s voice held a harsh note, completely at odds with her friend’s sunny and happy nature. “You’ve been so careful with Addison—how could he say you’re giving up on her? What a cad.”
In spite of her sadness, Renee couldn’t stop a smile at her friend’s old-fashioned phrasing.
“He’s not the cad, exactly,” Renee said, grabbing the cup of coffee she’d been nursing the past few minutes.
“So what happened?”
“It was a bad combination of events.” Renee looked down at the liquid floating in the ceramic mug. “I know he was trying to protect Addison when he didn’t want to tell her about us, and he was right.”
“Okay, but why do I feel like there’s something missing here, between him not wanting to tell Addison about you and you not thinking this will work?”
“It’s such a tangle. I feel as if my life’s been broken apart,” Renee continued, sidestepping Evangeline’s question. “Everything I thought I could count on has been stripped away. My mom doesn’t want to do the new therapy program, and we missed the conference call this afternoon, and this thing between me and Tate—it’s just not going to work. How could everything have come apart so quickly?”
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