Dinner went well and I didn’t let on that I was still upset about his earlier behavior. When he went to take his shower, I executed my plan. Just like I’d hoped, he stripped his clothes off into the bedroom hamper and I pounced.
Ah-ha! The business card was pink with cursive writing, Marcelle Handy. Marcelle Handy! It couldn’t be, he was a man-eating lush who’d stop at nothing to get a man if he wanted them, and now, I guess he has his eyes set on my Billy.
Well, I’m not going down without a fight. If I do lose Billy no one can say I didn’t try my damnedest to keep him. In the end, the winner takes it all. I won’t be vindictive, I won’t seek revenge, I’ll simply just cut my losses and walk away. I’ll probably just move to Florida and stay with mom and dad until I can get on my feet again.
I could hear the water stop in the bathroom and quickly tried to place everything back the way he had it, except for the business card. It was Exhibit A for my case. I sat on the bed and made like I was just browsing my phone. Billy stepped in the bedroom with a towel wrapped around him and said, “Hey baby boy, whatcha up to?”
I shook my head, “Nothing, just switching between apps and checking out news articles.”
“Anything interesting?”
“No, not really.”
As he slipped into his pajamas, I decided it was the perfect time to confront him about the business card. I slipped my phone into my pocket and turned my focus to him, “Baby, before we go to bed there’s something I need to talk to you about. I tried my best to push it aside but I won’t be able to sleep unless I know the truth.”
Billy sat down next to me, “What is it, baby boy? You know you can talk to me about anything.”
I took a deep breath, “Okay, here it goes. When we were at work today and I heard you talking to that person on the phone I just got so scared that something was going on.
Plus, you’ve been going out every night after work jogging, and well, all the signs point to…”
Billy shook his head and looked a little frustrated, “Babe, I’ve already told you that you’re just going to have to trust me on this one. I can’t tell you what that call was about, but I can assure you that there is nothing going on.”
I stood up and produced the business card, “Oh yeah, then why do you have Marcelle Handy’s business card? Everyone in town knows he’s a lush and sleeps with half the men in town.”
Billy stood up and towered over me. He poised his finger and cocked his head, “Baby, did you go through my pockets?”
I replied matter of factly, “Yes, yes I did.”
Billy shook his head, “You know what, I’m not going to stand here and be accused of shit I ain’t doing. If you can’t trust me, then maybe we should take a break?”
My lips trembled as I replied, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He took the business card from me and mumbled, “You heard me. Maybe you should go visit your folks for a while. I’ll drop you off at the airport tomorrow and pay for the ticket.”
Tears rushed to my eyes as I whimpered, “Are you breaking up with me?”
Billy sighed, “No, but I do think we should take some time away from each other until you realize I’d never do anything to hurt you. I love you, but I’m not going to stand here in my own house and be accused of stuff I ain’t doing.”
GOODBYE FOR NOW
I spent the night on the sofa thinking about everything we’ve been through in just a short time. I just couldn’t believe that even when I confronted him about Marcelle, he still denied that anything was going on. I may be a little flighty but I’m not stupid and I know when a man is doing something he’s not supposed to.
In the morning, a silent ride to the airport followed a silent breakfast. We were on the verge of tears when he pulled into a parking space and turned to me, “Leo, I just want you to know I love you more than life itself and you have to believe me. I would never do anything to hurt you.”
“Then tell me why you had Marcelle Handy’s business card in your pocket!”
His voice was full of emotion as he bowed his head, “I just can’t tell you that.”
I turned my gaze out the window and sighed, “Then maybe you were right, maybe we should take some time off from each other.”
“Okay,” He mumbled as he quickly wiped away a tear that was sliding down his cheek.
He quickly opened the door and came around to the passenger’s side of the truck. I was already stepping out and trying to get my suitcase when he growled, “You might not trust me, and you might be mad right now, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you carry your own suitcase.”
We marched silently toward the ticket counter and the woman working greeted us, “Will this be for business or leisure?”
“First class,” Billy replied as he slapped a credit card on the counter.
I glanced at him and he said, “You’ll always be my baby boy and no matter what you decide to do, I’ll always love you.”
Then he turned and walked away. The people whisking around me became a blur as he disappeared into the crowd. I lowered my gaze and let out a sob. It was just supposed to be a break, but I couldn’t shake the sinking feeling I had that I might never see him again.
I covered my lips with my hand and ran to the bathroom and once I was safely inside a stall I let the tears begin to fall. I cried out, “Oh God, what have I done? Oh Billy, my sweet mechanic daddy.”
I leaned against the wall and slid to the floor, “How am I supposed to make it without you?”
**
I tore my way through the crowd as the tears started to fall. Why didn’t I just tell him the truth? I was wiping the flood of tears away with my arm as I got into the truck and leaned against the steering wheel. I attempted to compose myself as I sat up straight and whispered, “I can do this. He’ll be back, I know he will. Once he realizes the truth he’ll come back to me and everything is going to be okay.”
A sob escaped me and I fell onto the steering wheel again, “Oh God, oh Leo my sweet baby boy. How am I supposed to carry on when all that I’ve been living for is gone?”
I sat up again and slammed my fists against the steering wheel until I was drained of all energy. Then I turned my gaze to the sky as I continued to cry, “My Leo, my whole world is gone.”
Everything went numb and as I stared blankly out the window of the truck I whimpered, “I want to die. What good is my life if I can’t spend it with him?”
I managed to make it home but once I was inside I couldn’t shake the thought that it would be so nice to go get a shot and make the pain go away. It’d be so easy to go to the west side and buy just one pop, just one to make the aching in my heart stop. But I didn’t, I stormed to the liquor cabinet and grabbed the first bottle I could find. A bottle of Jack Daniels. Whiskey was always my poison of choice.
I knew it wasn’t the best decision. Being an addict is something you can never escape. The thought of going back to your old ways is always there, always lingering in the back of your mind. Well, what if you just have one? One drink, one shot, one hit, just one.
I stiffened my lip as I tore the lid from the bottle and brought it to my lips. But before I could take a drink my hand started to tremble. Flashbacks of being strung out with a needle in my arm pulsed in my brain. I closed my eyes and clutched the bottle tightly. No, I couldn’t go back now. I couldn’t undo all the work I’d done.
I needed a sign. I needed someone to save me before I made the second biggest mistake of my life. For a moment I tried to fight my own demons. I brought the bottle to my lips then withdrew. But just when I decided to do it, the phone rang.
I set the bottle down and rushed to answer it, “Hello?”
A sweet voice I knew well came over the line. It was Leo’s mom, Susan. “Hi, Billy! We just received a call from Leo saying he was heading this way for a visit. He sounded so strange on the phone. Is everything okay there?”
It all came out, “No! We had a huge fight and we decided to
take some time off from each other.”
“What on earth happened? I thought everything was going great with you guys!”
I sighed, “They were. In fact, I started taking ballroom dancing lessons with Marcelle Handy and he found the business card. Well, when he did, he jumped to all these conclusions and accused me of cheating on him.”
“Oh no.”
“Oh yes.”
Susan was frantic as she replied, “Why didn’t you just tell him the truth?”
I sighed then hesitated, “I’ll tell you, but you have to promise me you won’t tell him!”
“Okay.”
“Promise me!” I yelled.
“Billy, I promise! Now, what is it?”
“I’m taking dancing lessons so I can surprise Leo for our six-month anniversary.”
She gushed, “Aw, that is so sweet!”
I interrupted her, “That’s not all.”
“W-what else is there?”
I tried to keep my emotions in check as I cried out, “I was going to ask him to marry me!”
“Oh my God!” She squealed.
The other end of the line went silent as she shouted for Leo’s dad. “Billy’s going to ask Leo to marry him!”
A muffled, “Hey, that’s great,” echoed in the background. Followed by, “What on earth is he doing on a plane headed here then?”
Susan explained and once she was finished he sighed, “Oh damn. Leave it to Leo to jump to conclusions just when something great is about to happen to him.”
She came back on the line, “Oh Billy, you just leave this to me. I’m going to help you fix this but it may take me a couple of days.”
“Really?” I replied with desperation.
She replied confidently, “Don’t you worry about a thing. Leo will be back in your arms before the week is through!”
With tears in my eyes, I replied, “You don’t know how much I appreciate this. I owe you one for life.”
She chuckled, “Just seeing my boy happy and an invitation to the wedding is all I need.”
“Will do!” I said as we hung up the phone.
Suddenly, my life had meaning again. I gazed in horror at the bottle of whiskey on the entryway table. I came so close to throwing everything away. I quickly rushed to the kitchen with it and stood at the sink for a moment before flipping it upside down and dumping it down the drain. Now I just had to proceed with my plan with some slight alterations.
**
I arrived in Florida in the early evening. When I called mom and dad earlier, they said they would be waiting on me at the airport when I arrived. I just hoped to God they didn’t do anything flashy or embarrassing to welcome me back. It was too much to hope for. As I grabbed my bag from the baggage claim and started towards the lounge I saw mom and dad holding a big pink sign that said, “Welcome home, Leo!”
I turned my gaze toward the sky and whined, “Why me?”
Once they say saw me, mom began jumping up and down, before shoving the sign to dad and sprinting toward me. “Leo! My sweet little boy!”
She crashed into me and wrapped me in a hug as she squealed, “We missed you so much!”
I struggled to get away and protested, “Okay mom, can’t breathe, I missed you too.”
Dad chimed in, “Alright Susan, give the boy some space.”
He moved in and gave me a fatherly pat on the back, “Welcome home, son. It’s good to see you.”
Mom lunged for me, “Yes it is, but sweetie, why on earth are you down here? I’m sure the garage is super busy right now; doesn’t Billy need your help?”
My lips trembled as I replied, “We um, no, he’s fine. Mike and Tony are there if he needs any help.”
Mom placed her hand on her lips, “Oh sweetie, don’t try to hide things from me. Something happened didn’t it? Something between you and Billy?”
Dad interrupted and held up his hand, “Alright Suz, maybe he doesn’t want to talk about it right now.”
I nodded silently with tears in my eyes as dad wrapped an arm around me, “Why don’t we head home, get something to eat, and whenever you’re ready to talk about it we’ll be happy to listen.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I whispered.
Mom attempted to lighten the mood by changing the subject, “You haven’t seen the condo since we moved in have you?”
I lifted my eyes and replied wearily, “No, did you finally get everything unpacked?”
Dad chuckled, “Well, it wasn’t easy fitting all that stuff in just under a thousand square feet, but we did it.”
Mom groaned, “It was like trying to shove an Alaskan Salmon into a sardine can.”
Dad fired back, “Well if you wouldn’t have insisted on keeping so much crap then maybe it would have been easier!”
Mom scowled at him, “You’re one to talk, Mr. Five Socket Wrenches.”
“Hey, they all do different things.”
I rolled my eyes and forced a smile. They were still the same mom and dad they’d always been. Even with all their bickering, I’d still rather be here than back in Indiana trying to figure out what I did so wrong to make Billy want to cheat on me.
The drive home was a pleasant but silent one. I was all too aware that mom and dad knew something happened from the delicate way they were speaking to me. What I couldn’t figure out was how they knew. My mind was running wild guessing at scenarios. Maybe mom had talked to Billy or maybe Billy called them?
Half of my heart hoped Billy had called them trying to track me down. Like the way he did when we thought we’d never see each other again the first time. I closed my eyes and felt tears welling up as I remembered seeing him chase after that bus and screaming for it to stop.
I bowed my head. What had happened to our sweet love? What could have gone so wrong that he felt the need to seek out someone else for love and comfort? I thought I was his one and only baby boy. He’d even started to talk about our future and how he felt like he had the courage to get married again.
It was all too much to think about right now. Besides, I didn’t really have solid proof that Billy was cheating. Maybe I overreacted? Or maybe I let my insecurities get the best of me? Still, if he weren’t cheating what could he possibly be doing with the likes of that lush Marcelle Handy?
As we crossed the Hathaway Bridge that separated Panama City from the beach I rolled down the window and closed my eyes. I could already smell the cool salty air as it flowed in the window and gently tousled my hair. I buried my face in my hoodie and whimpered. Oh, how I wish I were home and it was Billy tousling my hair rather than wind and as I turned my gaze out the window I whispered, “I miss you, mechanic daddy.”
A few short minutes later, we pulled into the neighborhood where mom and dad’s condo is. It’s a nice little fifty-five and older community, just a few blocks from the beach, with neat newer condos lined neatly around a cul-de-sac. It all looked so different from the charming historical houses that lined the streets of New Albany and I couldn’t help but feel a little out of place.
Dad grabbed my suitcase from the trunk and mom laced her fingers with mine as we walked up to the condo and stepped inside. I glanced around and mumbled, “Everything looks nice.”
As mom made her way to the kitchen she replied, “Thanks, sweetie. I made some of your favorite things for dinner.”
I rubbed my arm and mumbled, “Thanks mom, but I’m not hungry right now. Can I just get something later?”
“Sure sweetie,” she replied as she poured a glass of lemonade and started toward the living room. She took a seat next to dad on the sofa and smiled, “What would you like to do?”
I sighed, “Is the beach far from here?”
Dad shook his head and replied as mom took a sip of her lemonade, “Not at all, just a couple of blocks down once you exit the neighborhood.”
I nodded, “If it’s okay, I think I’d like to go for a walk and clear my head.”
Mom looked a little worried because it was starting the get dark outs
ide but dad placed his hand on her knee and gave her look. Dad was a man of few words but he had this deep understanding of other people’s emotions. He knew I needed some time to myself to reflect and think about things.
It’d been a long time since I’d been to the beach and couldn’t wait to get to the water. Maybe it would help me heal a little. I always felt more centered when I was near the water. That’s why I always jogged down on Main street back in Indiana. You could see the water from the sidewalk. A lot of times I would just go down there to sit and think about things. I needed that so much right now.
By the time I reached the boardwalk, the sun had set and the lights from the city were illuminating the strip with soft neon. In the distance, the sounds of music filled the air as the lights from the pier amusement park rides cascaded across me like lights from a disco ball.
I could see the couples snuggled up together on the Ferris Wheel and started to cry. I should be here with Billy; we should be here together. Like two teenagers burning away the night as if they had forever. I really screwed up this time.
But, I was always my own worst enemy. Just when life was about to get good, I had to go and create unnecessary drama. Billy didn’t deserve any of this. All he’d ever done was take me into his home, into his life, into his arms. I lifted my eyes and gazed out across the ocean. All I could think about was his mischievous smile. That stupid grin that made me weak in the knees, even now.
I held tightly to the railing and attempted to regain my composure as the sound of his laugh echoed in my mind. I remembered the day we met when I came into his shop because the car was making a strange noise. I remember that clever glint in his eyes, that knowing that I was supposed to be his. And I remember falling over the wiper display and that first touch when he helped me up.
I felt a chill run up my spine. A phantasmic pressure on my body from the first time he and I became one. I remember clutching the hood of the corvette as his hips lapped at my body just like the waves of the ocean lap at the shore.
I closed my eyes and shook my head in an attempt to erase the images of him racing through my head. But even with my eyes closed, I can’t erase the way he felt inside of me. He would always be a part of me and I’d never be happy again if I couldn’t find my way back into his arms again.
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