by J. R. Gray
"Me too," I admitted. "It hurt at first."
"You didn't look like you were in pain." Concern edged into his voice.
"It was good. Don't stop." I wrapped my arms around him, encouraging him to keep thrusting.
"Oh?" he asked, licking inside my mouth.
I picked up my head, chasing his tongue. "Yes."
"You're so tight," he breathed, the only oxygen between us that which we shared.
"How is it?" I asked, wanting to know and not wanting to know at the same time. "Do you like fucking me?"
"How could I not?" he asked like it should be obvious to me.
"Because..." It sounded stupid when I tried to verbalize it.
"Because I thought I was straight until less than a week ago?" he asked.
"Yes," I admitted.
“People can evolve, realize they are more than they thought they were. Maybe I thought I was straight because that’s what was expected of me.” He looked right into my eyes as he said it. “I told you, I think I’m pan.”
I was deceased. If he could have killed me in one sentence that would have done it. Shattered, left pulsing and gasping. A mind orgasm better than I thought a bodily one could ever be. And thus, a tiny little spark was born.
"You think?"
"Shhh." His words vibrated with a hush against my lips.
"You can't just leave me hanging like that."
"I think considering my dick is inside you, and I’m hard as a fucking rock, I can do a pretty good job showing you."
He had a point there, but that didn't stop all the questions bubbling up in my throat. He kissed me again, and I swallowed them, staying in the moment with Harden.
"I want to fuck you raw."
"Yes," I said, knowing it went against everything we'd talked about.
“So quick.” He growled into my mouth, letting me taste his pleasure.
“I’d let you.” I didn’t want anything between us.
"Not yet."
"Why?" I whined and reached between us.
"I need to get tested first." He nudged his nose into mine, grabbing my wrist as I grabbed him. "Stroke yourself. I'll fuck you without a condom when I get results."
"Promise."
"I promise, Vance." He directed my fingers to my dick, closing them around my base. He stroked with me, hand over hand.
I lost it, pleasure taking over my entire body. Gone to the grinding of his cock, and the way he made me touch myself. Bodies working together, broken gasp filled kisses. Labored breathing as he pulsed inside me.
My name on his lips over and over and over. He shattered me as his thrusts became erratic. His expression changed, lips parted with moans, filling me like an angel hovering over me. I'd never seen anything so beautiful in my life. I never wanted it to end.
He stopped moving but didn't get off me. Releasing my cock and giving me his full weight, our mouths joined again. I wrapped my heels around his ass, keeping him there. Hugging him to me with arms and legs.
We slowed and finally, he rolled to his side, still breathing hard.
"So you don't think you're straight anymore?" I asked again.
“How many times do I have to say it for you to believe me?” He searched my face. "How can I be straight if I enjoyed fucking you that much?" He had a point, but I wanted him to elaborate.
"I would apologize, but I'm not sorry." I rolled to face him, ignoring the sticky mess all over my stomach and hand. I wanted there to be hope, a chance, anything to believe that he might want this with me.
"I don't expect you to be sorry." He scoffed. "You just ruined everything I thought I was. No big deal."
"It's good to widen your world view. Now you don't have to be the cliché that learns they are bisexual in college."
"Thank you for saving me from being a cliché."
"You're welcome." I took a risk and trailed my fingers down his side. "Does that mean you want to do it again?"
"You're going to be greedy aren’t you and expect me to fuck you in payment for all these 'friend' blow jobs you've promised?" he asked, and I couldn't tell by his tone how he meant it, so I played it off.
"Fair is fair. If I'm going to suck your dick any time you whip it out, the least you could do is massage my prostate with your fat dick from time to time."
He huffed out a laugh, but he didn’t say no.
“Does this mean friends with benefits?” I asked, not daring to ask for more.
He locked eyes. “Yes.”
Twelve
The next morning was less awkward than I thought it would be. I woke up next to Harden, so he hadn't abandoned the bed in the middle of the night, still comfortable enough to be next to me. I don't know why that seemed like such a big thing, but at that moment, it was everything. His breathing still slow, lips slightly parted, I thought about kissing him until he woke up. Would that be crossing a line?
"Quit staring at me," he muttered.
"How do you know?" I asked.
"I can feel the angst coming off of you in waves."
I scoffed. "No angst. I was thinking of the best way to wake you with my dick between your lips."
"And yet, here I am, dickless." He didn't open his eyes.
"How do you know I'm not hovering over you with my cock out?" I asked, regretting I wasn’t.
"Because you don’t have the balls." He rubbed a hand over his face and yawned. “I know you better than that. Nice try."
He didn't sound disgusted by the idea of my cock in his mouth. I tucked that bit of information away for later and reached under the covers for him, blindly finding his hip and then his cock. Hard, pressing into the thin material of the boxers he'd put on after we'd showered. Not together, but I couldn't expect him to be okay with everything right away.
"Mmmm," he moaned. "I could get used to morning hand jobs."
"What about morning blow jobs?" I asked, already slipping under the covers.
He threaded both hands in my hair, and no objections came.
Harden surprised me by acting normal in the locker room and at practice. More comfortable than I'd ever expected him to be. At the same time, I worried some because he wasn't flirting. The sexual tension was seemingly gone.
"What's your plan for tonight?" I asked as we got in his car after.
"I thought we were sleeping at your place?" he asked, making eye contact when he stopped at the light waiting to leave the parking lot.
"Really?" I was a little surprised by his wanting to. “It’s a Sunday night.”
"Why not?" he asked. “But I will need to go home for a bit, so my parents don't go insane.”
I nodded. “They probably won’t be happy.”
“Whatever.” He paused. “Will your dad be okay with me sleeping there?"
I lifted my shoulders. "I'm not even going to tell him."
"Cool. I'll drop you off and text you."
"I didn't expect you home," my father said as I pushed open the door, before freeing my key.
"I do live here," I said, hitching my backpack higher on my shoulders, not sure how to act around him. Before, I was bisexual in theory. After last night, it felt like I had it branded on my forehead. Would he be able to see through me? See that I'd fucked a guy?
"Not on the weekends anymore. It's like we have shared custody of you." He took a bite of the sandwich he stood in front of the counter eating.
"Jokes on you. Harden and I are sleeping here tonight."
His eyes went wide. "Why? Did something happen?"
"His parents are being weird." How much could I tell him without giving us away? "He wants to get away from them for the night."
"Weird how?"
"They keep questioning everything he's doing. Like we talked about, he thinks it has something to do with his dad running."
He nodded, chewing slowly and studying me. "What are they questioning?”
I felt transparent. My mouth went dry. "Everything. All his choices..." I floundered. I needed something more concrete so
he didn't point to us hooking up. "They keep telling him if he's going to date someone, it has to be a good choice. Like any girl he chooses to be with right now would last." I hoped the last directed the conversation away from us.
"I can kind of see them questioning who he's dating, but why would they be worried about you? You two have been friends since you were little." He shook his head, and I knew he was over thinking it all.
I shrugged, grasping at straws. How could I ever explain any of this? "Maybe they are questioning his choice to be friends with me because we aren't at the same social level and it reflects poorly on them." I took it and ran with it. “It’s likes he’s vetting his own son.”
“The world they live in is a different one than ours; they’ll use anything against Governor Hart they can to defeat him. It’s not fair but that’s life.”
Was he warning me off Harden? Telling me to be careful? If anyone thought I’d ditch my best friend because his life was about to get a lot harder, they were wrong.
When Harden showed up, we retreated to my room and the strange tingle wouldn't stop on my neck. I didn't know what to do with myself.
"You need to stop being so weird." Harden picked up trinkets, studied them, then set them back. It had been a long time since he’d been in my room, and I felt self-conscious. Like he’d judge the mementos of our friendship I had all over the place, or the weird things I kept, like the notes he wrote to me on napkins at lunch.
"I'm not being anything." I took the swimming trophy out of his hands and set it aside.
“You kept these?” He held up one of the notes, a hint of a smile on his mouth.
I wished he’d look at me like that all the time. I was weak for it.
“You’ve been in here. You've seen all this stuff." I snatched it from his hand, putting it back in the stack.
“Not in a long time.” He stepped around me, not done with his inspection.
We used to alternate sleeping at each other's houses every other weekend. I don't know when it started to be only his house, but at some point, we'd began to stay there, and I was rarely here. Only to sleep.
“You need to relax. You’re up tight like you can't stand me to be in your space." He picked up one of my journals, and when I tried to take it from him, he held it out of my reach. "Do you not want me touching your stuff?"
I rubbed a hand over the back of my head. "I don't know."
"Is that why we stopped hanging out here?" He surveyed the room again, like he'd see something he’d missed all this time.
"No, you always wanted to be at your house." That might have been the reason, and it might have been something else entirely. I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure about anything right now.
"Do you have gay porn in here or something? If you do and you don’t share, friendship off.”
"No," I scoffed. "Like I would keep that shit around with my dad."
"Too true." He picked up a baseball and started to toss it in the air. "Who keeps paper porn anymore anyway when there is so much on the internet." He picked up the remote to the LED lights I had around the ceiling in my room and flipped them until they were rainbow.
My brow ticked up. "Pointed?"
"What, a guy can't like rainbows now?" he asked, a smile edging into his tone.
"No, they can't. The gays have taken it, and you're not allowed to even look at it unless you are queer." I held my hands in the air. "I don't make the rules."
"I had my cock in your ass. I think that means I can have some part of the rainbow." He sat on my bed and pushed back to lean against the headboard, one leg on the bed, the other dangling off.
"I don't think that's enough."
Amusement was written all over his face. "It's not?" He rolled his tongue around his mouth, tilting his head.
I held firm and refused to squirm under his scrutiny. "Nope. Doesn't count,” I teased.
He grabbed his cock. "What about our little arrangement? That doesn't count either?"
I swallowed, not taking the bait. "I didn't think you were still interested in that."
"Why would you think that?" He kept stroking, and my eyes were glued to him. I couldn't have torn them away if I wanted to.
I didn't want to.
"Because you were..." What had he been today? Something.
"Spit it out," he said, wetting his lips with his tongue.
"Because you weren't flirty with me today like you were before. You were…normal?” I hated to say normal. It felt like we'd never be that again.
I hated being in my head so much, especially when it came to Harden. I wished I didn’t have expectations already, but I did.
"Are you asking me what I was?"
"I think I am." I told myself to take a step forward, to get closer to him. My room wasn't that big; it would be easy to close the distance between us. Easy to have my mouth on him. But all of this felt important. Like we needed to get it out.
"You don't sound very sure of yourself." He wore that little half smile I loved on him. So sexy. I couldn't get enough of it, even if it meant he was making fun of me. I wanted to kiss him right then.
"I'm asking what's going on." I couldn't think of a better way to word what I wanted to know.
"I thought we had an arrangement." He lifted his shoulder, parted lips red and the hint of his tongue visible. He was the most beautiful man I'd ever seen.
I don't know why, but it struck me just then, I was so impossibly in love with my best friend, and I always had been. It broke my heart. How could I keep this up without ruining myself in the process? But if I didn’t play it cool I could lose him.
What had I gotten myself into?
"We do," I said and swallowed my feelings trying to sound as nonchalant. "But because of your shift today, I didn't know if you were still into it." I tried to sound like it didn't matter to me either way. I was scared my eagerness would terrify him.
"Do you not want to still have an arrangement?”
His inability to answer my questions drove me nuts. "Why won't you answer?"
"Why won't you?" he asked.
"I'm the one who brought up your shift. You made me ask."
"And I answered." He kept touching himself.
Was he more comfortable with sex than talking about it? It didn't seem like him, but I guessed anything was possible.
"But you didn't answer about our arrangement."
"Neither did you," he shot back, and his words were almost accusatory.
"I want it to continue,” I said, my mouth suddenly dry.
"Me, too."
I risked a step towards him, then two, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Do you want me to blow you?"
“Are you trying to distract me from a conversation by putting my cock in your mouth?” He tipped his chin down, so subtle had I not been focused on his face, I would have missed it.
“No. You’re the one touching yourself!”
“It seems like you are.” He shrugged, eyeing me.
"Stop touching yourself if you want to talk."
He did.
“So we keep doing this?”
“Unless you have an objection,” Harden said softly but audibly.
"Take your pants off."
His brow ticked up, but he did as I asked.
"Boxers too," I said when he left them on, hard-on tenting the thin fabric.
"Look at you, getting all high and mighty on the orders." There was a hint of challenge in his tone, but he did it, leaving him in his tee, and socks.
"You don't seem to mind," I said, crawling up between his thighs.
"I think I like it," he said, setting both hands beside his hips.
"Think? Now who's the one who doesn't sound sure?” I put my lips to his head, not giving him time to respond.
"Christ, Van. How do you expect me to say anything with my cock in your mouth?" His breath hitched, and the moans that came with his words edged me.
He wouldn't even need to touch me.
“We are talking after th
is.”
I took him in my mouth, not agreeing to anything.
Thirteen
Maybe not talking that night hadn’t been my best decision. Harden changed after that. Little things, subtle shifts in his attitude, but I noticed them all. When I’d bring it up, he’d deny it. But while we got closer physically, he pulled away in other ways. Withdrew from everything except swimming.
Harden was there but not at the same time. And I was starting to worry it was me. But he still came over most nights, and I couldn’t believe it was only to avoid his father because he kept pulling me into his arms as he drifted off to sleep.
We became even more inseparable, and I wasn’t sure how that was possible while he wasn’t talking to me.
My phone buzzed. I found Harden’s name and swiped open to read the message.
Harden: My parents aren’t saying they are mad at me, but they are totally mad at me.
Vance: What would they be mad at you about?
Harden: I can’t figure it out.
Vance: At this point, it has to be me.
I hated the idea his parents were mad at him, but I felt some relief he was talking to me about it.
I’d been turning it over and over. My dad’s words echoed in the back of my mind. What if they decided I was the wrong look for their kid?
Harden: They’ve been cool with you since we were five. Not like your dad would be bad for their image.
Vance: No, just broke.
Harden: And if they want to be nosy, I’ll spend every damn night at your house.
Vance: You nearly do already.
Harden: I can make sure they never see me.
I didn’t like the direction this took. Of course I’d let him stay if that’s what he needed, but I didn’t think fighting the governor would end well for us.
Vance: Vying for more before school blow jobs?
Harden: The way you suck my dick, we’ll never make it to practice.
Vance: I guess we should wait until after state for that.
Harden: Evil.
Vance: What?
I enjoyed feigning innocence and pushing his buttons, even if he wasn’t talking to me more. Something was better than nothing.