by J. R. Gray
"You're not allowed to be sorry. It wasn't anyone's fault."
"But I still feel bad. It should be me sitting out."
His tone turned cold. "I'm not fucking sitting out."
"But I could, and it would be fine. I'm probably not even gonna qualify."
"I've already qualified, so it's more important you swim, because you will qualify."
I lifted my shoulders. "Maybe, maybe not." I nearly apologized again but cut myself off. "I hope it didn't ruin the rest of the night," I said, hoping he'd catch my meaning.
"It made it better," he said, tearing his gaze away from mine.
"What?" I asked in a gasp.
"Nearly done. We are going to have to cut your hair," the nurse said.
"Do whatever you want," Harden replied. Then he reached out to stroke his fingers over my forearm. Such a tiny gesture but packed with so much intimacy. "It only made me see how much I can't take for granted, and I'm tired of hiding."
“And that’s better?"
"Yes," he said and stared at me until time stopped. "Everything is better. I don't have any regrets."
I wished we were alone. I had so many questions to ask. I wanted to confirm all the things his eyes made me feel. But maybe it was better this way. My propensity to ask and ask and ask was stifled and unable to ruin the burn in his eyes.
The doctor returned after Harden's haircut, and decided on staples because of the placement of the injury and his plans to still swim. Harden insisted on them, not wanting to mess with anything that might fuck up his race. The doctor advised against swimming but told him what to look for in case of infection. Harden promised to wear a swim cap, which would keep most of the water off his scalp.
He was checked for a concussion, which he didn't have, and a couple of hours later, he was released with some antibiotics to prevent infection because he was determined to swim. The doctor wasn’t happy about it, but it was better than Harden getting an infection. We walked down the sterile hall towards the waiting room where our parents sat.
"I don't want to go out there." Harden stopped between rooms and leaned into the wall, putting his head in his hands.
I came in close without touching him as much as my body burned to collect him in my arms I refrained. "Want to sneak out the back and call a car?"
He laughed lifting a hand like he would touch me but dropped it again. "A little, yes."
"We can."
"And do what?" he asked, suddenly looking totally worn out.
"I'll text my dad. We can go back to my house. He can claim to not know where we went..." I'd do anything to take all this from him.
"It's three in the morning, Vance." This time, he grabbed my arm, tugging at it a little.
"Then let's tell them we are going to go to my house to sleep."
His eyes pleaded with mine. "They'll never allow it."
I lifted my shoulders. "I don't plan on giving them a choice, and I bet your father doesn't want to make a scene at the hospital." I slid my knuckles over his stomach. "We have the bus in a couple of hours."
"I guess." He pushed off the wall, and before I could get out of his way, he grabbed me and pulled me into a hug.
I wrapped my arms tightly around him. We stayed like that much longer than we should have, neither one of us pulling away.
"We should go try and sleep."
"Okay." He grabbed my hand, dragging me towards the waiting room, his cocky bravado returning.
I admired his well of strength as we stood in front of our parents but it didn’t stop my hands from shaking. Maybe this was how Harden always had been, but since we’d started dating I read into every single gesture and action in front of the governor.
"I'm going back with Van. I'll see you in the stands."
His father started to sputter, just barely keeping it under control, while his mother seemed to be struck speechless.
Harden held up a hand. "I know you both want me to do well, and for that, I need sleep. I won't be able to sleep if I come home with you. I need to go with Vance to focus."
His father set his jaw in a 'this isn't over' type way but nodded. "Fine. We'll talk about this Monday." He succeeded in making Monday sound ominous, but I couldn't focus on it, and I hoped Harden didn't either.
Eighteen
The first two days passed without much issue. I’d done well enough to keep advancing in heats but not as well as I’d liked. If I kept swimming how I was I wouldn’t get one of the top two spots or my time low enough. I hating coming this far and making it to the final heats but not being able to push myself the last little bit.
I wasn't a pacer but I found myself pacing as I waited for my heat. I'd finished my warm-up and now it was a matter of time.
"You're going to do fine," Harden whispered against my ear.
I shivered and jumped, spinning around to find him in his team sweats behind me.
"Jumpy?" he asked, dropping his tone even lower with a glint in his eyes.
"I didn't expect you to get so close in public."
He lifted both shoulders. "I don't know about any of that. I think you're overthinking. We laid all over one another before we ever were anything."
I wet my lips with my tongue. "Right. I don't know where the line is anymore."
He was silent for a long time. "Maybe I don't care. Don’t forget our deal.”
"What?" I asked, not sure I'd heard him correctly over the noise of the crowd.
“Our deal if you place well.”
“Can you even—with your head?”
“I’m not going to be broken forever, Vance.” He wore a rueful smile.
“Harden…”
"You're up." He nodded behind me a smirk on his lips.
"Huh?" I turned around to find Coach heading for me.
"Come on, you're up. Get to the blocks."
I glanced at Harden who gave me thumbs up. "You got this."
I nodded, swallowing back the anxiety in my throat. I couldn't think about it like this could make or break us being close to one another next year. I could make it worse if I went to state. There were tons of schools in Cali and all over the country.
I wouldn't know until I got offers. I'd give my best. It was all I could do. Stripping, I put my sweats on the chair and pulled my cap on, running through my pre-race routine.
I waited for the whistle and got up on the block, pulling my goggles down.
"Take your mark."
I bent over and gripped the edge of the block, my heart hammering in my chest. The buzzer sounded, and I pushed off the block, arching in the air before hitting the water. Right into dolphin kicks. I felt better as soon as I surfaced. I loved the water. It had felt like home for as long as I could remember. I didn't look at the other swimmers. I could see them on either side of me out of the corner of my eyes, but I didn't want to lose time checking.
The first flip I hit spot on. Two more. I had this. I pulled ahead of one of the guys next to me. The other, I was neck and neck with. I hadn't checked their times before the race. One should be faster and the other slower by the way most of the heats were set. But as I took the second turn, I realized it was the wrong side. I was ahead of the faster guy and even with the slower. Maybe he was a finisher.
I gave myself a burst of speed and buried my head, throwing my arms into the freestyle as fast as I could. I hit the third turn a little fast and felt it coming off the wall, but I didn't let it discourage me. I gave it all out towards the finish. Everything I had. Everything for Harden, stretching to touch the wall with my fingertips.
I came up, ripping off my goggles and searching the board for my lane. Harden stood at the block screaming and reaching a hand out for me.
I took it and let him hoist me out of the pool. "You shouldn't be over there." They didn't like teammates near the blocks when it wasn't their race.
He pulled me into his arms, ignoring me. "You made it into the final heat."
"What?"
"You made it into the final heat
, motherfucker!" Harden said, again pulling back from the hug to look at me with a shit eating grin.
“Good swim,” Woods said, coming up next to us.
“Maybe we’ll both beat you Sunday.” Harden glared at him.
“Not on your life.” He tilted his head, eyeing Harden. “So the rumors are true. You aren’t going to swim like that.”
“Of course I am.”
“You’re a bigger idiot than I thought.” Woods glanced at me. “Can’t you get your dog on a leash?”
“Careful, Woods, or you’ll be swimming with stitches too.” I don’t know where the attitude came from, but I was done dealing with his shit.
“Mmmm, attitude makes you hotter.” Woods dragged his eyes down my body. “If you want to go out after sectionals, call me.”
I grabbed Harden so he couldn’t chase after Woods as he walked away. “That bitch is not worth your time.”
“Language,” came Coach’s voice.
Harden rolled his eyes and dragged me towards the coach. "You qualified for Sunday!"
"How close was I to state?"
"Don't ask." Amusement glinted in Harden’s eyes.
"Tell me."
"You're point .02 off.”
"Mother…fuck."
"NO!" He shook me a little. "You're swimming in the final with me. You're in the top eight at sectionals. The fast water will get you .02.”
I shook my head looking up at the board again. Best time I'd swam in my life. I couldn’t believe it. It felt too close. Like I'd never get there. Could I go any faster? Sure, fast water would help, but it wasn't everything.
I didn't want to think about it, or I'd be sick. I was glad to be done for the day.
Our coach talked the whole way back to the team’s area, going on and on about how I would have qualified for state had I not botched one of my turns. I hadn't thought I'd botched it, but I wasn't in the mood to argue with him. I wasn't in the mood to do anything but curl up for a nap.
"Can we leave early?" I asked, cutting him off mid-sentence.
His brows pulled while Harden's went wide. "Is your father here to sign you out?"
I nodded. He wasn't going to be, but after the other night, he decided it would be best to be here in case Harden or I needed anything.
"Harden can't go with you."
I hesitated, about to turn away, but gave him my attention again. “He’s not swimming today, and he always leaves with me.”
"His parents called this morning and left a message with the school. I'm guessing it has something to do with…" The coach gestured at Harden's head and lifted his brows.
"Those motherfu—"
"Language," our coach cut him off. "There is nothing I can do about it, and neither can you. They'll want him to go home with them after, I suspect."
Harden set his jaw, fire blazing in his eyes. None of this would go well.
"I'm sure they do."
The coach walked off to talk to one of our teammates, leaving us standing there. Harden's eyes dropped down my body and a smirk crossed his lips. "Cold?" he asked.
I crossed my arms over my chest covering my hard nipples while using the sweats I'd picked up to hold in front of the rest of me. "Yeah, I was just swimming in the ice cold water."
"You should cool-down, then find me in the locker room." He didn't give me time to reply before walking off in that direction.
I took the quickest cool-down of my life before jogging to the locker room. With just a towel wrapped around me I padded into the steamy room. Sectionals happened at the big public high school, the only one big enough to hold the event in the state. The locker room was like a maze, worn out and dated. Water dripped in the distance and voices echoed around me and because of the tile they carried.
Whispers.
"Harden?" I added my voice to them.
"Here," he called from around a corner.
"Where?" I ventured towards the sound, but it seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
"Over here?" His voice filled with laughter, and after last night, it warmed my heart. I wanted him filled with lightness.
"Are you hiding from me, Puck?"
"Puck? Are you trying to call me a mischievous night spirit?" He was closer now.
I spun around, coming face to face with him. But I didn't have time to get a word in because he grabbed me by the back of the neck and kissed me. I pushed my hands under his jacket to get at his skin while he walked me backwards. I didn't care where we went as long as more of his came off.
"I like you in these." He snapped my spandex shorts before sliding his hand into the front of them to take me in hand.
My moans broke the kiss. "Not here out in the open."
He shoved me into a stall. "I'm not that stupid."
I stumbled, and he leapt forward to steady me. "Jesus, Harden, we've had enough stitches for the week."
He laughed, gripping my elbow harder than needed. "No kidding. Sorry, I got a little over-zealous."
I fisted my hands in his jacket, dragging him closer to taste his smile. "I'm okay."
"I'm okay, too."
"Your parents don't seem to think so."
"Fuck them." He didn't let me get another word in, cutting my words off with kisses.
"I don't want to, thanks." I shoved at his pants, trying to get them off but losing the battle with the fabric and his damp skin.
"Do you really want to keep talking about my parents while your cock is in my mouth."
I croaked and stared at him. He dropped to one knee with a roguish smile on his lips. "Harden...are you sure?"
"Vance..." He drew my name out the same way I had his before dragging his tongue over my head. "Do you not want me to?”
"I do." I swallowed, dizzy from the sight of him on his knees. “I thought you were waiting until I placed well.”
"Why are you complaining?”
"I'm not." I nearly collapsed into the wall when he took me into his mouth.
He tested it out, sucking on my head, then taking me further. "How's that?"
"Like the best thing I've ever fucking felt." Jesus. If this was on the table, I wasn't sure how anyone got anything else done ever. Why wasn't everyone just fucking all the time?
"Better than me inside you?" He glanced up, dipping his tongue into my slit.
My hands found his head. "Don't you have work to do."
"Look at you, deflecting." His smile pulled around my shaft as he went to work again. “I’m taking that as a yes.”
I couldn't even reply. All I could do was slump into the wall and take it all in. My body hard and soft and strung up and mellow with pleasure all at the same time.
I never wanted it to end, but Harden knew me too well. When his hand joined his lips, twisting the opposite direction I lost it. Without warning I came in his mouth. Grabbing his shoulders, I tried to pull him off of me, but he fought me, sucking me deeper instead, and there was no holding back—not when he smirked and looked at me like that.
My touch turned loving, caressing, stroking his face until he got back to his feet. "Thank you."
"Can I kiss you?"
I nodded, and he captured my lips, stroking his tongue along mine. I was there, heady on his tongue, salty and a little sour.
"I'll give you ten of those if you qualify for state."
"In a row? I might not survive." I laughed, sliding my arms around his neck and kissing him again.
"Whenever you want."
"Jesus, talk about motivation."
"Isn't that the point?" he asked. "Visualize your turns."
"I will…but after I get your dick."
He swatted my hand away, stepping out of reach. "Not until after my race Sunday. I need to keep my focus."
I didn't want to, but reluctantly I let him. "Are you sure? Might help you."
He shook his head, the smile coming back to his lips. "I want something to look forward to. So be waiting when I'm finished.”
We walked out o
nto the deck and found his parents there.
"Why are they out on deck?" He stared from behind me.
"Because they hate us?" I said, turning and plastering a smile on my face.
"Your coach said we could sneak down,” his mother called from the side. “This is so exciting.”
Harden set his face, nostrils flaring. “You shouldn’t be down here.” He turned on his heel and headed towards the locker rooms again.
I looked between his parents and Harden with a sigh, deciding to follow Harden, finding him sitting in the deep recesses.
"Are they gone?"
"No, they're waiting by the coach. He looks nervous."
"I don't want to go home with them."
"Why not?"
"Because it feels like they are going to trap me somehow. Like once I walk back into their house, I'm not getting out again."
I shifted my weight not sure what to say. "They can't do that."
But maybe they would. He hadn’t been home since the ER.
"It feels like that’s exactly what they want to do until the fucking election."
"That's two years!"
"No kidding." He shook his head.
“Don’t you have that fundraiser tonight?” It hit me then. He’d asked me to go.
“You’re right. I forgot all about that after last night. Are you still coming with me?” He pleaded with his eyes.
"Will they let me?"
"I'm not going to give them a choice." He turned away from me. I didn’t like it. It almost felt like he was slipping back into not talking to me.
I didn't try to argue with him. I knew it wouldn't get me anywhere. Once Harden made up his mind, he was doing it no matter the objections.
After we changed he left the locker room with purpose. It gave me anxiety.
"Vance and I are ready," Harden said, standing in front of his parents with his arms crossed.
Some days I wondered how he had the balls to stand up to his parents the way he did. The governor was terrifying on his best day. But Harden probably felt the same about my dad while I was immune to any intimidation because I lived with him. For a long time, I thought Harden's parents were a lot nicer than mine. I learned as we grew older that they acted nicer but really weren't any different than my father, and after the last few weeks, I’d realized it was the opposite. My father cared more about how I was and Harden's cared more about how he appeared. I'd rather have the former.