Fiona kept screaming, and I wasn’t sure what to do. I tried to go to her so I could comfort her, but she kept screaming at me to get out.
Nurse Lucy came in and looked around.
“Get out, Matty!” Fiona screamed again. Then she picked up a paper cup filled with water from the table beside her bed and flung it at the wall.
I got out of the room. I sat on one of the seats lining the hallway, wondering what to do next.
A while later, I heard Nurse Lucy having words with the other nurse, and Nurse Lucy didn’t hold back. But no matter what she said, the damage had been done. I could hear Fiona’s sobs from where I was sitting, and it ripped me apart that I couldn’t be with her, comforting her. Every single sob sounded like a reprimand to me. I wasn’t sure how much Fiona remembered of the accident, but there was only one person to blame.
I sat there for a long time. I still had the coffee and food in my hand, but I no longer wanted any of it. I could walk to a trash can, but even that seemed like too much.
“Maybe you should stay away for a little while,” Nurse Lucy said. “She’s very upset. It’ll take time for her to accept this. Come back in the morning and see how she is.”
The nurse could be right, but staying away from Fiona was the one thing I couldn’t do.
Chapter 9: Matty
I’D KNOWN FIONA WOULD react badly, but it ended up being much worse than I’d ever expected. The next day, when I went to the hospital, she didn’t want me in her room. I waited out in the hallway for the whole day in case she changed her mind.
She even refused to let Dr. Roche in, and when he insisted, she begged him for more painkillers.
“I can’t look at myself like this,” I heard her say. “I need something.”
I didn’t hear the doctor’s answer, but it didn’t satisfy her.
She yelled. She abused him. I wondered if I should move away rather than sit there and listen. Then I heard a clunk as something hit the wall. She’d started throwing things. At least she had the strength to do that. I guessed that was a good sign.
Not long after, Dr. Roche came out of her room covered in water. She’d definitely thrown things at him.
“If she continues like this, we may have to restrain her,” he said. “She’s very angry, and we can’t put the nursing staff at risk. I’m going to assign a psychologist to her. There are obviously a lot of issues she needs to work through. Issues from before the accident, even.”
I stood up so he wouldn’t tower over me. “She won’t like that,” I said.
“Whether she likes it or not, it’s necessary. Her treatment is our main concern, but that doesn’t mean we’ll tolerate our staff being treated badly. When you said the facial injuries would upset her, I hadn’t realized it’d be such a huge thing. Most people would be grateful just to have survived without major damage.”
I nodded. He was right, of course. One of Fiona’s worst points was the way she took out her temper on those around her, and right now, she had a lot of anger. If she directed it at anyone, it should be me, not the nursing staff.
Dr. Roche paced as though thinking through things before he spoke. “I think maybe one of the social workers might be the best thing. I’ll get someone to speak to her.”
“How is she, apart from that?”
“Her lower body was barely affected. Once she settles down, we’ll start her on some simple exercises so the muscles don’t atrophy. We’ll have her up and walking around as soon as she’s able. Her right arm only has superficial injuries, so that makes her capable of functioning. In a month or so, we’ll assess whether we need to operate again.”
“Is there anything I can do for her?”
“Until she wants to see you, it would be best to stay away. When she gets too upset, it can be a big setback. Maybe go out and see some of the city.”
I couldn’t do that. The whole time, I’d just worry about Fiona. “Not likely. I’ll wait here until she wants to see me. There’s nothing else I can do.”
He nodded. “It’s up to you. But don’t put your entire life on hold for her.”
That was exactly what I planned to do, because Fiona was my life. The rest of it was just distractions.
While I waited, I contacted Ash and let him know what had happened. Part of me wondered if Fiona would’ve been better off with Ash here instead of me. Ash always knew how to handle her. The two of them could be volatile as fuck together, but they understood each other. He’d probably have forced his way into the room and yelled back at her until she saw sense. If she threw things, he’d throw them back, even with her being in recovery.
I could never be that person, but maybe someone like Ash was exactly what she needed right now. Someone strong. I had never seen myself as a weak man, but I didn’t have the unquestioning arrogance that Ash had, either. He never doubted or second-guessed himself. Even if he was going to do the most stupid thing in the world, he surged forward, full force. I preferred to sit back and look at things from all angles. After turning things over and over in my mind, I’d make a decision.
I guessed that was why the other guys still spoke to me while they barely had anything to do with Ash. He irritated the hell out of people, to the point that they couldn’t be in the same room with him.
Surely, there had to be something I could do, not just wait outside this room. I needed Fiona to understand my feelings. I needed to her to let me in, even just a little.
Then I had an idea. She didn’t want to see me, but that wouldn’t stop me from communicating with her. She didn’t have her phone with her in the ICU, so I asked the nurse for a sheet of paper and a pen. I could write down my feelings and get the nurse to give the letter to her.
Then I sat back down on the hard plastic chair that had probably worn a groove in my butt.
I started: Dear Fiona.
That sounded awfully formal, but I couldn’t think how else to start. Maybe one sheet of paper had been optimistic. I might need a whole heap of paper before I could get this right. I couldn’t write letters. It’d been years since I’d written one. I had so many things I wanted to say, but that blank sheet in front of me pushed every thought out of my head.
I sucked on the end of the pen. Where did I even start?
This shouldn’t be so difficult. I wrote songs. I’d written songs that people loved.
I sat up. That was what I had to do. Not a letter, but a song. Write it like song lyrics, wrapping up my feelings for her. Of course I wouldn’t actually write a song, but I had to think the same way. What was the most important idea I needed to get across?
That I wanted to be with her, no matter how she looked—but I had to be careful how I said that. I didn’t want to sound like I meant she was ugly now.
Fiona, you’re more beautiful to me now than you’ve ever been.
Good. That was good.
Just seeing you alive showed me how much you mean to me.
Without you, I couldn’t survive. Every breath you take is precious to me. Every moment of your life means the world.
I want to be with you. I want to be the one beside you, supporting you. Holding your hand or whatever you need.
So far, so good.
Don’t push me away. Not now, when you need me the most. Don’t turn my love away. Together, we can get through this.
I read back through what I’d written. There was something else I needed to add, but I wasn’t sure I had the courage to say it.
I sucked on the end of my pen for a long time, considering what I should say.
I know this is all my fault. Every day, I wish I’d never told that cab driver to hurry. I hope one day you’ll forgive me.
I folded the page and took it to the nurse. “Can you give this to her?” I asked.
The nurse nodded. “I’ll give it to her. I can’t make her read it, but I’ll make sure she gets it.”
After that, there was nothing left to do but go back and wait.
Chapter 10: Fiona
WHEN
THE NURSE HANDED me the letter, I brushed it away.
“It’s from Matt,” she said.
“I know.”
“You should read it. He’s a good man. He’s been sitting outside your room. We thought he was going to lose it when you were in danger. He loves you a great deal.”
When she put the letter back on the table in front of me, I didn’t push it away, but I didn’t pick it up, either. I didn’t want to read his words. I knew what he’d say, but I’d always been a burden to him, and now I wasn’t even a pretty burden.
“He’s too good,” I said. “He deserves better.”
The nurse put her hands on her hips. “He deserves better than being made to sit outside your room until you get over your little tantrum,” she said. “You could’ve easily died on that operating table. You came close, in fact. You’ll have the use of all your limbs, after some therapy, and you’ll get over this. The pain will go away. You’re being a fool if you think a few scars mean that much.”
“A few scars? A few scars?” I couldn’t keep my voice from rising. “My face is a mess, a vile mess. I’ll never be myself again. Even if I have plastic surgery and the other things they’ve suggested, I’ll never be the same.”
The nurse huffed. I did not like this hospital. The nurses were way too mouthy.
“That’s life,” she said. “Even if you hadn’t had this crash, you’re not going to look the way you did in your twenties forever. You can’t cling to that, and a pretty face is no good if you spend all your time treating people like shit. Not just your boyfriend, but all the staff in this hospital, too.”
“You should leave,” I said. “I need to rest.”
I turned my face away from her and closed my eyes. I didn’t want her talking to me like that. I was paying a lot of money to be in this hospital, and I was going to put in a complaint about her. She’d be a lot less mouthy if she didn’t have a job.
After she left, I stared at that paper, but I wouldn’t read it. I didn’t want Matty getting to me. I didn’t want him staying with me because he felt sorry for me. If he looked at me with pity, I couldn’t stand it. What sort of life would he have with me looking like this? The rock star and his damaged girlfriend? That would be hell. Photos of me all over the media. Disgusting before-and-after shots. The whole world turning against me. I’d rather go into hiding than have people see me looking like this.
In my entire life, I’d only had one thing going for me: my looks. I’d had nothing else. A trashy mother who never gave me a second thought, no brains, no sense. I’d learned a lot about pity back then, going to school in ratty clothes and not having enough to eat. The other students had pitied me, but that pity was only a small step away from contempt. I’d never even felt like second best, because that would’ve been too high up the ladder.
I’d stayed on the bottom rung. Sometimes, a teacher would buy me lunch, and I’d wolf it down even though I hated taking charity.
Then Madeline had made me a worldwide sensation. I’d gotten everything I’d ever wanted and more, because of my face. I had no illusions that it had been anything else. Okay, not just my face, but my body too. I had the looks every girl wanted. Instead of pitying me, the world envied me. Those girls from school who’d looked down on me now wanted to be my friends, but I quickly left that place far behind me.
Even after I stopped modeling, when I got together with Matty, that feeling never left me. I had to be more beautiful than any other woman in the room. That was the only way I could justify my existence. Being on the tour had been difficult.
First Polly, then Fay; the two of them not just gorgeous but talented as well. I envied them so much. I couldn’t even imagine what that would be like, to have a talent that was more than just looking good.
I peeped at the letter out of the corner of my eye. It hadn’t gone anywhere. It still sat on the table, mocking me.
Instead, I focused at the machines beside my bed. This room must cost a small fortune. Even though it was bare bones, it had that expensive, private hospital feel to it. The curtains were high quality, and the room didn’t have that peculiar hospital smell. I’d been in enough hospitals in my life to know.
I couldn’t stay awake with my thoughts for too long, and that damn doctor wouldn’t give me any more painkillers. If ever I had needed drugs, it was now. I needed to take away the bleak reality that stretched before me.
Eventually, I dozed off. I wasn’t sure how long I had slept when the nurse woke me to examine me. She could’ve let me sleep.
The letter still sat on the table, and the nurse glared at it. She could keep her glares to herself, as well as her words. This was none of her business.
I knew she thought I was an evil hag, making Matty sit out there on his own. If ever it came to people judging Matty and me, I’d be the evil one. Matty was too good, and I was always the fuck-up.
“Do you want to sit up for a while?” the nurse asked.
“No.”
“Do you—”
“I don’t want anything. Just leave me alone.”
She walked out. Good thing, too. I didn’t like her. I didn’t want anyone in here. Who knew what they’d say to people. One time, a nurse had sold some photos of me in hospital after an overdose. This one looked like she’d do the same thing as soon as she got the chance. I’d ask if I could have another nurse. I really didn’t like her.
I tried to sleep again but couldn’t. That’s what happens when you get woken up at random times.
That letter.
I’d just screw it up and throw it in the bin. Then it’d be gone, and it wouldn’t look at me so accusingly any longer. I reached for it and scrunched it in my hand, then dropped it. I’d need to unfold it to scrunch it properly. It was difficult to do one-handed, but my left hand still didn’t work that well.
I opened the page up, ready to screw it up again, but a few of the words caught my eye.
I was more beautiful to him now than ever? Really? What a sap.
Did he mean that, or was he just saying words I wanted to hear? How could he see me as beautiful when I looked like this? I’d never think of myself as beautiful again. Even on my worst day, I’d never looked this bad. His words mocked me.
A tear came to my eye. I wiped it away. I would not cry. Not ever.
I knocked the letter to the floor.
Stupid letter. Stupid Matt. He made me so angry with his goodness.
Then I looked down. The letter had gone under the bed, and I could only see the edge. What else had he said? I couldn’t reach it; just leaning over hurt too much. Something ripped inside me.
I sure as hell wouldn’t call for that nurse to get it for me. She’d have a look of smug satisfaction on her face if I did.
Why had I done that? Now, I’d never be able to read that letter.
I curled my pillow over, wanting to hide my face.
My life had been destroyed, and the only thing I wanted was that man sitting outside my door, but my pride wouldn’t let me call for him.
Chapter 11: Matty
I GOT SENT BACK TO the hotel after a while.
“You can’t stay here all night,” the nurse said. A different one. The shifts had changed. “Get some sleep.”
That was all they ever seemed to say. “Get some sleep. Get some rest.” There were more important things in life than rest, but I didn’t want to argue. I got a cab back to the hotel. Even though I’d done nothing all day, my body ached and all the strength had drained out of me.
When I got back to my room, I called Mom. I needed to tell my parents about the crash, but I’d put it off, knowing Mom would fuss and fret. But there was the possibility the media would find out—the Freaks had played a few shows, and people would’ve noticed I wasn’t onstage with them. If Mom read that somewhere, without me saying anything, I’d feel like a real bastard.
“Mom, before I say any more, I want you to know I’m fine.”
“What’s wrong?” she said. Panic rose in her voice, but
there was no good way of leading into this.
“I said I’m fine. We were in an accident, and I’ve—”
“I’m coming to you. I’ll get on the next plane.” Of course she assumed the worst.
“I’m fine. Really. I’ve been released from hospital with a clean bill of health. I’m a bit sore, but there’s no damage.”
She finally breathed. “You aren’t lying to me?”
“No. I thought you should know, because I’ve had to drop out of the tour for a while.” Then I had to tell her the hard part. “Fiona’s not so fine.”
“Oh?”
Every time I had to tell someone this, it was like living it all over again. “She was hurt much more badly than I was, but she’s improving rapidly.”
“Oh dear,” Mom said. “That’s not good. She’s lucky she has you there with her.”
Maybe not so lucky. I didn’t want to go into the whole situation with Mom. That was more than I could bear talking about. “She’ll take a long time to recover, but she’ll bounce back from it. She might need a few more operations.”
“If you need anything, just call us,” Mom said. “I wish I could be there with you. Fiona’s like family, and we’d do anything for her.”
After I hung up, I turned on the TV just to remind myself that there was a whole other world out there. The noise kept me distracted a little, even if I paid no attention to the screen.
I had a shower, then came back to find a message on my phone.
Maybe we should be there with you. Mom xxx.
I was about to message back to tell her she didn’t need to do that when a second message came through.
Flights booked for tomorrow. See you soon. Your father and I have always wanted to see Paris.
I sighed. Beneath everything, beneath the part of me that said a grown man shouldn’t need his mother, I felt a sense of relief. I could do this on my own, but maybe it’d be much easier with someone to lean on. And maybe Mom could help Fiona in ways that I couldn’t.
Wilde Freak (Rock Stars on Tour, #4) Page 4