IT WAS ALWAYS YOU

by Erika Kelly

“I’m sorry for the way I handled things. I hate myself for hurting you.” He said it with a painful sincerity. “I never wanted to kiss anyone but you. I was…messed up. I wanted to be with you more than I wanted to play ball, but I knew your dad was right. That whether you followed me, or I followed you, whichever way it went down, you might never have realized your potential. And…I loved you too much to do that to you.” He glanced across the street to a beautiful white farmhouse. “And I…went a little crazy.”

  He loved me. Tears blurred her vision, and she clasped her hands together so tightly her rings pinched her skin. “I know it sounds stupid, but I’m actually pissed at you for telling me this. I mean, you loved me?” She shifted toward him. “Why didn’t you tell me back then? Do you know the hell I’ve been through? God.” She blinked back the tears. “I wish I could be happy that you’re finally telling me the things I’ve always wanted you to say. But I can’t. I just…Hearing the words doesn’t erase the experience, you know? And I just can’t understand the choice you made.”

  “Which is exactly why I never tried to explain it to you. Because there’s no excuse for what I did. There are no magic words to erase the pain I caused.”

  The door opened, and a woman stepped out onto her porch. She waved, coming down the stairs and hurrying toward them.

  “We should go.” She got out first, frustrated with herself. How long had she waited to have this conversation with him? And, now, she’d finally had it, but it hadn’t cured her. It hadn’t set her free.

  “I can’t believe this.” The woman dashed across the street. “Cassian Ellis and Gigi Cavanagh on my farm. Oh, my goodness!”

  The screen door popped open, and a dog flew out of the house. Barking like mad, his nails scrabbling on asphalt, he raced to catch up with his owner. Cassian dropped to a crouch, and the dog slammed into him.

  “Beckett,” a man hollered.

  The dog pulled back as if someone had yanked his leash. He looked chastised and embarrassed.

  “Ah, it’s okay, sweetie.” Gigi loved him up, while Cassian greeted the couple.

  “We thought someone was pulling a prank,” the wife said. “Bob’s your biggest fan, so we thought one of his brothers was playing a joke.”

  “I’m grateful you took my last-minute request.” Cassian gestured to her. “I’d like you to meet Gigi Cavanaugh.”

  Gigi stood up, wiping her hands on her jeans. “Hello. It’s nice to meet you.”

  “Oh, my gosh, my daughter’s away at college right now, but she’s going to die when she finds out you’re right here on our property.”

  “Uh, honey?” the husband said. “He asked for our discretion.”

  “He did?” She turned to Cassian. “You did?”

  “I’d appreciate it very much.”

  “Well, darnit. I was hoping to post it on social media and blow her mind.”

  The man shook his head. “She’s the biggest prankster of them all.” He gave his wife an affectionate grin.

  Gigi was such a sap for this kind of love---the same kind her parents had.

  Will I ever have it? She glanced at Cassian. How naïve had she been to think she’d found the love of her life at fourteen?

  “All right, well, let’s get you started,” the wife said. “We’ve got to get back inside and finish dinner.”

  “Now, which one of you’s the chef?” Gigi asked.

  The woman slipped her arm through her husband’s. “We’re a team. You should see us in the kitchen.”

  “Team work,” Cassian said. “I like that.”

  Gigi took in the endless sea of sunflowers, the heads so heavy with seeds they nodded in the faint breeze. “I’ve never seen anything like this.”

  “It brings us a lot of joy,” the wife said. “Now, go on and have some fun.”

  As they headed back to their home, Mr. Carson called out, “If you’re not back in an hour, we’re coming to get you.”

  “So little faith,” Cassian said over his shoulder, as they headed into the maze.

  The brilliant blue sky, the thick, green stalks…it was magnificent. “Oh, my God, look at all these butterflies.” They fluttered all around them, the bright orange and black standing out against the broad, almost heart-shaped leaves of the sunflowers. “Cassian, this is amazing.”

  “I’m glad you like it,” he said, quietly.

  Surrounded by the towering flowers, they made their way along a hay-strewn path. The lowering sun cast long shadows, and the air smelled rich with earth. She probably shouldn’t have been so happy to be here with him, but well…there it was. “I can’t believe you arranged all this.”

  “I wasn’t sure you’d come.”

  She eyed him sharply, surprised that, underneath all that cocky confidence, pulsed fear and worry. She’d been wrong. He hadn’t assumed he could apologize and be done with the past.

  His vulnerability softened her.

  And that made her bristle. “On your mark…get set…go.” She shot ahead of him. “See you on the other side.”

  “Hey.” He laughed. “It’s a maze, not an obstacle course.”

  She walked backwards. “Scared of a little competition, QB?”

  “Have you seen me under pressure? But just remember…” Excitement glittered in his eyes. “I don’t lose.”

  “Oh, sometimes you do. Like with the Tigers last season?” She cringed.

  He laughed. “My tears dried up right about the time I found out we were going to the Super Bowl. Again. And I know I didn’t lose either of those games.”

  “You got pretty close last year.”

  “Right, but I came back from behind with eleven seconds on the clock.” His long legs stalked her. Beneath his smile lay a hunger and determination that set her heart pounding. “Know why I win?”

  “Well, it makes it easier to get laid, that’s for sure.” Exhilarated, she ducked around the next corner, aware of his footfalls not far behind.

  “In the interest of full disclosure,” he called. “I looked at a map of the maze this morning. It’s online. Just in case you actually think you can beat me.”

  “How incredibly anal of you.” Her skin flashed warm and cool as she stepped from one patch of sunlight to another band of shadow. “Why would you look at a map?”

  “Because I wanted things to go well.” From glimpses of his white T-shirt, she could tell he was right on the other side of a row of flowers.

  That hard-packed earth? His unrelenting patter of sweet rain was beginning to soften it. And that scared the hell out of her.

  She hurried down a path, dashing down the fork on the left.

  His pace quickened, too. “It’d be a bust if we couldn’t find our way out, and you got all sweaty and pissed off at me.”

  “I’ve been pissed at you for nine years. Why do you suddenly care?”

  He went quiet, but she could hear the rustling of the leaves. “I never stopped caring.”

  Was he stepping through the stalks? She hurried along the path. Go go. “You’re full of shit. If you missed me as much as you say you did, you wouldn’t have hooked up with ten thousand women. Every picture of you, every interview, you looked happy. Like you were on top of the world. And now you want me to believe your woe-is-me story?” Tough words meant to cover the truth. Because she was beginning to believe him.

  She cut down another path. This time she found herself in a clearing. A fountain burbled in the center, paths like flower petals radiating out in various directions. She could lose him now, for sure.

  “What I want is your forgiveness. I didn’t expect to see you on this tour, I don’t have some plan, and frankly I don’t know if I deserve it, but that’s what I want. And the only way I know how to do it is to tell you my experience of us.”

  My experience of us. Dammit. Her soul knelt on the ground, head tilted back, and let the rain wash away the anger, the bitterness, the hurt.

  She’d wanted this window into his thoughts for so long.

  But softenin
g led to trusting…and that…that she couldn’t do. “Well, I appreciate it. Thank you.” She’d had enough. “You’re forgiven.”

  Okay, which path? Gazing up at the darkening sky, she tried to get her bearings. How could she find her way out if she didn’t know where the farmhouse was?

  “Don’t humor me. You’ve lived with one perspective for a long time. Ask me questions, yell at me. Don’t sweep it away. We have a chance to get it all out. Take it.”

  “So, you want more than forgiveness?”

  He went quiet. And then, “I want my friend back.”

  God. The desolation in his voice. It hit the exact note strumming through her body. Because she was so lonely without him. Every minute of every day that tuned played in the background.

  She chose a path, but her feet didn’t take her down it. She wanted answers. “You could’ve had me back. If you’d told me what my dad said, if you’d talked to me freshman year, when we were away from my parents. You could’ve written a letter, an email….at any point since the night of that party, you could’ve reached out to me.”

  “I’ve thought about it. Pretty much every day in college, I drafted a letter to you in my head. But, whether you want to believe me or not, I knew your dad was right. I thought if I pursued you, I’d hold you back. I wanted…shit. So many times…I wanted to come and get you. To be with you. But I had your dad’s voice in my head. Not only was he right but going after you would have been the worst kind of betrayal to the man who gave up so much for me.”

  The sudden chill in the air told her the sun had dipped below the horizon. She rubbed her arms.

  “You still there?” he asked

  “Yes. I’m…processing.”

  He went quiet, and she loved that about him, the way he respected her. Gave her the time and space she needed. Only…she didn’t really want space. She wanted to see him, watch his reactions. “I guess I wish you’d wanted me more than you wanted to be loyal to my dad.” She lifted up to touch the head of the flower, the dark center sticky with nectar. “I wanted you to want me more than anything.”

  “The first time I saw you, I was fourteen.” It sounded like he was right on the other side of the row of flowers.

  She couldn’t see him, but her mind did. And, when she closed her eyes, she was right there in the tree house with him, lying by his side. God, she could almost smell the musty tarp, feel the pine planks under her back.

  She felt the ghost of their initials carved into the wood on the tip of her finger.

  “It was my third day of high school. My parents hadn’t even been gone a month, and I was sharing a bedroom with a cousin I might’ve met once or twice before. I hated the world, but I swear when I saw you in the hallway, it felt like…you know when you’re sleeping and you dream you’re falling, and you get this zing through your whole body? It wakes you all the way up? That’s what it felt like.”

  She knew exactly the moment he meant. The high school in Calamity Falls was small, so new kids got a lot of attention. Everyone talked about the city boy, tall, lean, cute, with shaggy hair and a chip on his shoulder. Cassian was the kid who strolled into class after the bell rang, never looked anyone in the eye, and acted like he was too good for their cowboy town.

  But his attitude had disappeared the moment he’d laid eyes on her.

  You bet I remember it. She recited the words to him. “‘When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.’” A soft breeze ruffled her hair, making her skin break out in goosebumps.

  “You remember that?” His tone held urgency.

  He’d written that Arrigo Boito quote on the walls of their tree house. She’d read it so many times it was like he’d carved it on her soul.

  * * *

  When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.

  * * *

  It pissed her off that he thought she could forget something so monumental. “I remember everything, you idiot. Why do you think I’m such a mess? When I saw you I fell in love? You wrote that on the wall of our private place without any explanation—ever—and then you kissed my best friend and never talked to me again. Who does that? That’s the whole reason I stopped trusting my instincts.” She hadn’t meant to shout, but dammit, he made her so angry.

  Fuck it.

  Fuck him.

  Without even thinking, she chose a path and race-walked away. He couldn’t possibly find her—not with eleven other options to choose from.

  “Would you quit running and let me finish the story?”

  She swore the breeze carried his scent to her, and it made her slow down.

  “Anyhow, that first time I saw you, it rocked my world. But I was in a shitty place, and you were beautiful and popular and talented, so I didn’t talk to you.” His voice was right there, keeping up with her.

  She stopped. She didn’t want to miss a single word.

  “But then your dad—of all people—showed up in detention and offered to teach me how to play ball. You want to hear something I’ve never told anybody before?”

  “Yes.”

  “I didn’t give two shits about football. The jocks at our school were entitled assholes. I didn’t want anything to do with them. But I wanted to be around you, so I said yes.”

  “I never knew that.”

  “There’s something else I never told you. Everyone thinks it was your dad that turned my life around, but it wasn’t. It was you. I only stopped getting into trouble, because I knew you wouldn’t want anything to do with a fuck-up. The Cavanaugh girls were going somewhere, and I wanted to go with you. So, I might’ve had a natural talent for football, but I only took his offer so I could be with you.”

  Leaves rustled, and his running shoe emerged from between the stems and landed on the path. She took off before he came all the way through. Mostly because she felt the pull in her very core, that magnetic draw that both angered and excited her.

  “I know I hurt you, but you need to know that I’d loved you from the moment I saw you, and that the worst day of my life was when your dad told me I couldn’t have you.”

  Tears burned, and a knot formed in her throat. “Then you should’ve fought for me.”

  He rounded the bend, and he was right there. Walking toward her. “You think I didn’t want to tell your dad to fuck off? You bet your ass I did, but how could I do that? I fucking loved you. I couldn’t be the reason you didn’t become the next Pink. Did I handle it well? Of course not, but I was a seventeen-year-old kid, Gigi. And I messed up. Messed up in a way I can’t take back.” He caught up to her, so fierce, so intense, so real.

  The boy she’d loved had nothing on the man standing in front of her.

  Still, she kept him at arm’s length. “I never had a say in any of it. You took my choice—my power—away. I hate that you made the decision for me.”

  “You’re right about that, and I’m sorry. All I can tell you is your dad sacrificed a lot for me. There wasn’t a chance I could betray his trust when I knew how much he loved you, how sure he was that he was doing the right thing.” He took one more step, closing the distance between them. “Losing you destroyed me. I haven’t felt whole since that night.” He scraped his hands through his hair. “I knew it when I was fourteen, and I know it today. Because nothing has ever felt as right as being with you.”

  And there it was again. He was singing the same tune playing in her heart. Emotion flooded her, and this time she didn’t have the strength to hold it back. The distance no longer bearable, she threw herself at him.

  He caught her, of course he did, and then he planted his mouth over hers.

  The kiss was savage. That horrible clash of emotions she lived with every day of her life ignited into a flash fire of passion, and Cassian…

  He was taking what he could get, while he could get it.

  His kiss was possessive, hungry. Desperate. And, if his words weren’t clear enough, his kiss told her exactly how he felt.

  He licked into her mouth and c
oaxed her tongue into a dance of pure pleasure. Her senses lit up, making her feel everything acutely—the clutch of his fingers, the rasp of his beard on her chin. She drowned in his scent—the clean clothes and just-showered skin, and the essential him that emanated from his core.

  She gorged on the sensuous sweep of his tongue, reveled in the big hands that clutched her, his grip so tight it was like he feared she’d slip away.

  His hands slid down to her ass and gave a lusty squeeze. Everything about him was taut, ravenous, wild.

  Her senses swept away, she let go completely. Sank into the kind of kiss that branded itself on a woman’s soul. I’m kissing Cassian. The boy I loved so fiercely. Clutching fistfuls of his hair, she ground against his rock-hard erection, restless for relief from all the building tension.

  Shoving up her T-shirt, he pushed her breasts together, pressing a trail of kisses across the upper swells. She gripped the back of his head—don’t stop—and he yanked the cups down, baring her breasts to the cool air. When his hot mouth covered her nipple, she arched her back and cried out.

  That tongue—God—it swirled around the sensitive bead, taking deep, hungry pulls.

  “Cassian.” Her fingernails scraped across his scalp, that hair so thick and silky.

  He stroked down her stomach, fingers popping the button of her shorts. Reaching into her panties, he caressed her slick heat. “Jesus Christ. I’ve wanted to touch you like this for half my life. You’re so fucking wet for me.”

  Her hips rocked, begging for more. And he gave it to her. Two fingers slid inside her, his thumb circling her clit. Desire spiked, making her body tremble and her knees go weak.

  Sensation inundated her—his hot mouth sucking, licking, pulling, his fingers stroking her to a state of bliss. His other hand clutched the small of her back, holding her in place.

  But she couldn’t be still. She arched into him, wanting more, closer, deeper. Her body went hot, electric, and she got up on her toes as the fuse he’d lit burst into flames.

  “Oh, my God.” She tumulted through a galaxy of dazzling stars, and she never ever wanted this feeling to end. So good.