‘Merry Christmas, Leesa.’ His voice filters up to me like something out of a bad dream. His tone is gentle for him and he hesitates for a moment before depositing his holdall on the floor.
As the final strains of ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ percolate through from the sitting room, the front door suddenly swings shut behind him with a bit of a bang.
Without any warning my stomach lurches at the sound and my lungs struggle to expand quickly enough to take in air. I just stand here, staring down at him. Within moments Gwen and Peter rush out into the hallway, wondering where the noise came from. Gwen pales at the sight of Nathan. Fortunately, Peter has his wits about him and immediately yanks Nathan’s arm in the direction of the sitting room.
Rachel appears in the middle of all this action and rushes up the stairs, anxiously.
‘Did you know he was coming?’ I ask her, searching her face and hoping this wasn’t planned.
‘No. And look at Mum.’ Gwen is leaning against the staircase, holding onto one of the spindles. We both rush down to steer her, gently, into the kitchen. Once Gwen is seated I grab a glass of cold water and she takes it from me, still unable to speak.
‘Rachel, did you mention to him that I was going to be here?’
Her eyes open wide. ‘No, of course not. I’ve only spoken to him once since the divorce was finalised. He’s been too busy setting up house.’
As the words leave her lips she instantly regrets them, although it means nothing to me now.
‘Oh, Leesa, I’m sorry. I was being sarcastic and I didn’t mean to upset you.’ As she speaks she lowers herself into the chair next to Gwen.
‘We didn’t invite him, Leesa,’ Gwen is adamant and I can see how cross she is about it. ‘I have no idea what he’s doing turning up here unannounced. Peter rang Nathan to let him know that his nan didn’t have very long to live. He chose not to visit her in hospital and that was his decision. Nathan did turn up at the funeral and he phoned here a week later to ask if he could come and visit. Peter took the phone out of my hand and told him it wasn’t convenient. I was in no state to find myself face to face with either him, or that woman he’s with. He hasn’t been in touch since.’
‘I understand and I’m sorry if I doubted you. It’s just the shock of seeing him.’ I can’t seem to stop myself from pacing. Instinctively, I want to head for the door and run.
I glance at Gwen and she nods, acknowledging my apology.
‘I’ll go and find out what’s going on.’ Rachel disappears leaving us to exchange a look of concern.
‘Are you okay?’ Gwen whispers, although there’s no one else in the room to overhear our conversation.
‘I’m fine.’
Of course I’m not fine. My legs feel weak, as if they are about to let me down. It’s so hot in here and I simply want to disappear.
‘I need the bathroom,’ I mutter, heading back out into the hallway and making my way upstairs.
Locking the door behind me, I perch on the edge of the bath as I remember doing last Christmas Eve. I’d been hiding away, then, but for a very different reason.
I sit for a while just thinking. The sadness comes in waves. It seems so much more real now I’m here and now this happens.
The phone in my pocket buzzes.
Chloe has eaten too many chocolates and has stomachache. Laurence has gone off in a huff because Sally said it was his turn to do kid duty. Want to swap places?
If only he knew.
Nathan’s just turned up without any warning whatsoever and I don’t know what to do.
A trap?
No. Everyone is in shock.
Sorry. My problems are nothing. I will leave you in peace. Ring if you need me. Good luck, Leesa.
I know I can’t stay locked in here forever, so I run my hands through my hair and step back out onto the landing. To my dismay, Nathan and Peter are standing in the hallway, arguing. I freeze. Peter immediately looks up as I begin to descend, one step at a time as if in slow motion.
‘Leesa, I’ve made it very clear to Nathan he can’t stay. This isn’t what Gwen or you need right now. You should have called first, Nathan. It’s a bit late to have a crisis of conscience over how you’ve abandoned everyone. This was supposed to be a Christmas of healing. Not added stress.’
Peter shakes his head sadly and Nathan looks uncomfortable. Something deep inside of me wants to take charge for some reason, as if it’s important who speaks first out of the two of us.
‘I’m going to grab my coat and step out onto the patio for a breather. I think we should clear the air, Nathan. I’ll give you five minutes.’
They both look at me, completely stunned by the cold and rather harsh tone of my voice. I turn and walk away from them, each step unwaveringly firm.
Outside, my lungs seem to work better. I focus on calming myself down and steeling myself for what’s to come. Somehow, I must disconnect from my emotional pain, or risk falling apart. There are things I shouldn’t say but which I fear will escape my lips, no matter how hard I try.
It isn’t long before Nathan joins me. As I wrap my coat firmly around me we make our way down to the bottom end of the garden. I head in the direction of the small wooden shelter.
Making no move at all to talk, I can tell my silence is the last thing that he expected.
‘I had to come. For so many reasons I can’t even begin to explain.’ He sounds agitated.
I concentrate on looking straight ahead. All I can think about is that this is the last time I will ever sit here, looking back on the house.
‘Look, Leesa, if I could change what happened I would, but I can’t.’
I shake my head, folding my arms across my body as if to shield myself.
‘That’s easy to say, Nathan.’
He slaps his hand down on the wooden slats next to him, making the little arbour rock unsteadily. The shock on my face is enough to quickly dissipate his display of anger.
‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’ He flings his hands up, linking them behind his head. Rocking gently back and forth, he continues to perch on the edge of the seat. Maybe he’s making sure he doesn’t lash out again.
He never actually hit me. But looking back, there were a few occasions when I felt he was on the verge of losing control. For some reason everything I did ended up aggravating Nathan and it wasn’t uncommon for him to lash out at things. He punched a cupboard door once, cutting his fist as the wooden panel split. Is that normal when two people begin to grow apart? The anger, I mean, not the violence. I see now that it was unacceptable behaviour, but I can only actually appreciate that with hindsight. Why was I such a fool?
‘Look – I’m angry because I care. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? It’s an anniversary for me, too.’ There’s a note of desperation in his tone.
We’re keeping our voices down but there’s really no need. We can’t be overheard.
‘But you guessed I’d be here. I’m not afraid of you, Nathan.’
He unlinks his hands and leans forward so I can’t see his face. Not that I had any intention of looking directly at him.
‘I know you blame me, but it wasn’t my fault.’ His tone is flat. He turns to face me and his eyes are full of genuine remorse, by the look of it.
I glance at him in total disgust.
‘You said you were happy about the baby. The day I found out you were sleeping with her I realised we had been living a lie for quite a while. But you felt trapped when I broke the news and it changed everything, didn’t it? I hate myself for trying to keep us together and look what happened. A little life that was mine to cherish and protect… gone forever.’
‘You were angry. You lost your balance and slipped. I put out my arm to steady you, that’s all. It was an accident, Leesa. Fate.’
Fate? Then fate is cruel because why put me through all of that if I’m not good enough to be a mother, anyway?
I’ve gone over and over the events of last Christmas Eve in my head, so many times. I was distrau
ght as I confronted him, but did I really slip? We were alone in Gwen and Peter’s sitting room. His admission had come out of the blue because, stupidly, I was feeling happier about life than I had done for quite a while. His arm was there and suddenly it was in my way, sending me reeling backwards and contact with the wall sent me crashing to the floor.
I wanted my heart to stop beating forever because that’s what I believed I deserved. The only question I couldn’t answer was what exactly happened. I only remember him repeatedly saying that in my distressed state I’d slipped. He kept repeating it over and over again, under his breath as Gwen and Peter rushed to my aid.
I insisted on going up to the bathroom as I wanted to lock myself away from Nathan. And then I noticed that I was bleeding. Just a little at first but it quickly increased, and I knew what was going to happen. I slumped down on the bathroom floor, hugging my little rounded belly. And then I howled like a wild animal. At eighteen weeks I knew she was too small to stand a chance.
I remember Gwen hammering on the door and when I let her in we held each other while we waited for the ambulance to arrive.
She slipped, she slipped… Over and over again, Nathan’s words were relentlessly repeated inside my head that night. But did I believe it?
Had he lashed out at the precise moment I turned away from him in disgust? A dry sob makes me want to wretch. It doesn’t matter any more, does it? The baby is gone because I failed to protect her and nothing will ever change that fact. I don’t deserve to be a mum but that doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t ache at the thought of holding a full-term baby in my arms. And the tears I still shed late at night in bed are filled with the agony of loss.
I didn’t just come here for the sake of Gwen, Peter and Rachel, this Christmas. I came to let my darling daughter know that in severing my links to this family I’m not saying goodbye to her. She will forever be in my heart; not in this house. But I needed to be here to tell her that because I wanted to make sure she knew.
‘I want to make one thing clear, Nathan. I don’t know what exactly happened that night. There was only one witness. And that was you. But don’t you dare try to hold me responsible for your guilt. That’s between you and your conscience. It’s enough that I have to deal with the way I failed our daughter.’
He hangs his head. ‘Sheryl said I needed to make my peace with you. It’s coming between her and me.’ As he turns to look in my direction I can smell alcohol on his breath. He was never a great drinker and I’m surprised by that.
‘Did she now?’ I shake my head in disbelief. ‘We’re done, Nathan. I don’t want to listen to anything you have to say. And maybe you should focus on re-building your relationship with your family first, because at the moment they are barely hanging in there.’
I stand and walk back up to the house, leaving him alone with his thoughts. The moment I step in through the back door, Rachel and Gwen are standing there, anxiously awaiting my return. Gwen looks distraught and is wringing her hands. Behind her the beautifully laid out table shows how hard we were all trying to regain a sense of festive normality. But we were kidding ourselves. Just because it’s Christmas, doesn’t mean happiness can be taken for granted.
I put up a hand before either of them can begin speaking.
‘I’m sorry but I’m exhausted. The jetlag has caught up with me, so I’m going to lie down. I thought I was strong enough to face my own demons, but I was fooling myself.’
Gwen rushes across to throw her arms around me.
‘No. You were doing well, Leesa. This upset is down to Nathan and he’s let us down once again. He’ll be gone very soon. I promise. This Christmas isn’t about him and it’s time he understood that.’
11
The Modern Day Knight Drives a Range Rover
‘Cary, I know it’s late, but can you come and get me? I’m in a neighbour’s house, the one on the right-hand side if you’re looking directly at Gwen and Peter’s.’
I can’t keep the waver out of my voice and my trembling hand can barely hold the phone to my ear.
‘You sound like you’re in shock. I’m on my way.’
I close my eyes for a brief second, steeling myself against that horrible faint feeling that keeps trying to wash over me. Not only has Nathan caused an unforgiveable scene, but in his drunken state he’s ravaged the downstairs of Peter and Gwen’s lovely home. And now the police are in there trying to sort out what happened after a passerby dialled 999.
The policewoman sitting next to me closes her notebook.
‘How long will it take your friend to get here?’ She’s been very patient, giving me time to think before I answered each of her questions.
‘About forty minutes.’
Behind us a voice I don’t recognise informs us that the kettle is on.
‘A nice cup of tea will help calm your nerves,’ the policewoman confirms, sounding genuinely sympathetic. She’s used to handling people who are in shock and I expect she’s seen it all before, many times. She did tell me her name, but I can’t remember it.
‘Are you sure you’re alright? It is only that bruise on your arm, isn’t it? You didn’t knock your head or anything?’
I nod, unable to speak as I try to recall what happened. As Nathan struck out, one of his flailing arms hit a shelf off the wall and books flew off like missiles. I don’t want to get him into any more trouble than he’s already made for himself and his family.
‘He wasn’t trying to hit anyone, really he wasn’t. It was a horrible mistake and he will be sorry once he sobers up. Nathan doesn’t usually drink to excess, and this isn’t like him at all.’
‘Don’t worry about that now. My colleague is taking a statement from Mr and Mrs Hughes as we speak. If we need any further information from you, we’ll be in touch within the next few days.’
‘Where is Nathan, now?’
‘He’s on his way to the station. The Hughes’ daughter is gathering your things together.’
For some reason my teeth are beginning to chatter.
‘Is Rachel alright? She didn’t get hurt?’
Before she can answer me, a man appears with a tray of drinks and the policewoman grabs a mug, placing it in front of me.
‘Take a few deep breaths, then sip some tea. It will help. And you’re sure your friend can find alternative accommodation for you tonight?’
I nod. ‘Yes. It will be fine.’
I need to distance myself from here and I really don’t care where Cary takes me. I’m conscious that it’s probably a 120-mile round trip to Nailsworth and it is very late on Christmas Day. I have no idea what reason he will give for having to suddenly rush off, but I know he’ll think of something.
I reach forward and grab the hot mug in both hands. The contrast of the heat against my clammy skin does help to ease that awful wobbly faintness that has been so difficult to shake off. Every sip seems to fortify me a little more and I’m beginning to regain control. But it’s hard to believe what happened tonight and how frightening it was for everyone.
Another police officer enters the room and nods in the direction of the woman sitting next to me. She follows him into the hallway and they talk for a while, their voices too low for me to hear what they’re saying. After a few minutes I lie back against the sofa and close my eyes, for how long I don’t know, but suddenly I hear Cary’s voice.
As he enters the room he’s escorted by the policewoman and she hands him a card, which he immediately slips into his inside jacket pocket.
Cary approaches hesitantly, kneeling down in front of me as you would with a child.
‘Leesa, what on earth—’ He takes one look at my desolate expression and suddenly he’s taking charge.
‘Your bags are in the hallway, Leesa. Stay where you are for the moment while I put them in the car. Don’t move until I get back – that’s an order.’
I guess I must look as awful as I feel. If I’m being honest with myself I’m not even sure I’m able to stand up and walk right now
. I can’t get Gwen’s face out of my mind. She was ashen and distraught, her legs giving way beneath her as Peter stepped forward just in time before she fell to the floor.
It seems like Cary is gone for quite a long time. When he returns he thanks the couple whose names suddenly pop into my head; they were at the party just last night. They watch as he scoops me up in his arms to help lift me off the sofa and surprisingly my legs are a lot firmer than I expected them to be.
‘Thank you for opening your home to me and I’m so very sorry for the disruption.’ The eye contact between us all is charged with sadness and regret for what Peter, Gwen and Nathan will have to face in the cold light of day.
‘You’re welcome. It was no problem at all, really.’ Alan and Silvia look as if they could both do with a strong cup of tea themselves. It’s been a shocking evening for everyone who unwittingly ended up getting pulled into this.
Cary’s arm is firmly around my shoulders now and we walk steadily out towards to the car.
In the darkness I have no idea what’s going on inside the house next door, but it looks like all of the lights are on and a police car is still parked on the drive. So many questions whirl around inside my head, but they come and go in no particular order.
Suddenly, the front door opens, and someone steps out. It’s mere seconds before they are close enough for me to see that it’s Peter. He hurries over to us as if he’s scared we’ll turn and walk away.
‘Leesa, I wanted to catch you before you left. Gwen and I, we… we’re so sorry for everything that’s happened. Gwen is in a state of shock, as you must be, too. Rachel can’t stop crying. Nathan went too far this time and we both hope that sobering up in a police cell overnight will bring him to his senses. You are okay, aren’t you?’
‘Yes, really. Please don’t worry about me, Peter. Give Gwen my love. I just need to…’
Peter’s glance hones in on Cary. ‘Is this your—’
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