However, the finale is simply too cumbersome and needs to be slicker. Short, sharp and focused is what’s called for, whereas it feels like information is coming at you from all angles.
What worries me is why Jeff couldn’t see that. Normally he’d be on the phone telling me it isn’t right, and it needs a lot more work. My fear is that if Cary sees this as it stands now, he’ll start pulling the entire thing apart, rather than addressing the last remaining issue. It has to be as near to perfect as we can make it before I hand it over for Cary’s approval. But the amount of time we have left to complete this is fast running out.
I’m confident we can sort this when Jeff is back. Between us we’ll deliver.
A sudden feeling of intense sadness hits me out of nowhere. I’m about to lose yet another person from my daily life whom I regarded as family. Jeff is my best friend and my sounding board; I’ve always valued his advice, even if he was a little too cautious for my liking. But to whom can I turn in the future when he isn’t around?
17
New Year, Old Wounds
Cressida’s party is every bit as flamboyant as I expected it to be. The house is packed and the buffet is lavish. With creative cocktails named after some of the heroes from her bestselling novels, it’s a huge hit. Cary has remained glued to my side more or less the entire evening. I recognise a few faces from the literary world but most of the names go over my head and, in the end, Cary gives up on his running commentary.
Eventually we filter out into the hallway, where one of the large walls in this impressively grand heart of the house has become a theatre screen. It’s been showing back-to-back black and white Christmas films all evening.
Heart-warming, feel-good nostalgia at its best.
‘Can we sit and watch for a little while?’ I ask, knowing he won’t be exactly happy with my request.
He grimaces. ‘If you insist.’ But his tone is one of amusement, I note.
There are several rows of chairs and we head towards the back.
‘Cary, it would really help me if I understood a little more about your childhood. Cressida assumes I know everything but all I have is disparate bits and pieces. I don’t want to unwittingly end up saying the wrong thing.’
Cary and I stare up at the flickering images of It’s A Wonderful Life as he begins speaking in a hushed tone.
‘My mother’s childhood was filled with my grandmother’s idealistic, romantic nonsense. I think she believed that everyone has a soul mate. Grandma’s extensive library of old black and white films fired her imagination and a firm belief that the perfect man for her was out there, somewhere. As a consequence, my mother ended up naming both myself and my younger brother after film stars from the thirties. Sadly, I fear we have both let her down on that front.’
‘Laurence… Olivier?’
He nods his head and my lips twitch, but I manage to keep a straight face.
‘Great choice. I’m partial to a black and white movie, myself. Particularly at Christmas.’
It was meant to make him feel better and lighten the moment. However, he doesn’t look amused and rolls his eyes.
‘Oh, not you as well! Grandma has spent her entire life being in love with love and trying to spread her mantra. I’m all for keeping it real. Anyway, I’m more of a James Stewart than a Cary Grant,’ Cary muses, shooting me a smug grin.
‘What makes you say that? I thought you hated that whole iconic screen hero premise.’
He finishes off the last of his cocktail in one, placing the empty glass on the tray of a passing waitress. I notice that she rewards him with a beaming smile as if he’s doing her a favour.
‘He portrayed more ordinary characters, I feel. Cary Grant was the ultimate charmer and enigmatic in a way that James, and most other men, simply can’t pull off.’
I look around for somewhere to deposit my own, now empty, glass to no avail and Cary whisks it out of my hand. Magically, the same waitress appears from seemingly nowhere.
‘Hmm… I think there’s a little more Cary Grant in you than you think. A large part of his appeal was his wicked sense of humour. Women always fall for that.’
It raises a short, sharp laugh. Suddenly his mood changes as he continues.
‘My mother ended up trapped in a loveless marriage until one day my father lashed out at her. She fled with us two boys in tow and that was the beginning of the end. Her health went downhill very quickly and it was later discovered that she had a hole in her heart.’
He sounds very matter of fact, but I can tell by the look on his face it pains him to think about it.
‘I still have memories of my mum; she was a very loving, selfless person. Grandma was distraught to think of her daughter’s last months filled with the turmoil of a painful divorce. My father cut all ties, so Mum had our surnames changed by deed poll and after that we lived as Andersons.’
‘And you haven’t seen him since?’
Cary shakes his head, turning to look at me.
‘No. The truth is that Granddad is the only man who was ever there for Laurence and me. Okay, he had a somewhat stern disposition on occasions, but he often came home from work drained and we were rather boisterous. When the weekends came around, though, he always made time for us and we would go off exploring together. Obviously, it was Grandma who was there with us the most and naturally we turned to her first and foremost.’
I try to imagine what it must have been like suddenly having to look after two small boys while mourning the loss of a daughter. And at a time in their lives when grandparents expect to be able to focus a little more on each other. It’s like having a second family. I wonder if Matthew felt excluded at times?
‘I don’t know about you but I could do with some fresh air. It’s another hour until the firework display begins at a quarter past twelve and I’m already beginning to wane.’
Cary does look tired and a little drawn, but then I probably don’t look any better.
‘Great idea. Lead on.’
I’ve had some very late nights lately, but none of it has been fun. I can’t tell Cary that, of course, because most of it is due to the pressure I’m feeling over his video.
We head back into the sitting room and step out through the French doors to make our way down the path, which leads us to a seating area in the orchard. Suddenly, Cressida appears behind us looking rather agitated.
‘Cary, I need a little assistance. I’m so sorry to interrupt, Leesa, this won’t take long.’
She disappears back inside, and I wave Cary off in the same direction.
‘Go. It’s fine. You know where to find me.’
There’s a chill in the air but it’s a very pleasant night and I amble down towards the cluster of wooden seats beneath the leafless apple trees. Low-level lighting has turned the night-time garden into a very tranquil place. There’s enough light to follow the path and catch glimpses of the shrubs which flank either side of it, but beyond that the shadows from a waning moon mask everything.
‘This is a pleasant surprise.’ A solitary voice wells up out of the dark nothingness. Then a shape steps forward and I’m shocked to see that it’s Matthew.
‘Same here. I didn’t see you inside and Cary never mentioned that you were here.’
Matthew extends his hand and I take it, carefully stepping off the path in my high heels and onto the mossy lawn.
‘Take it steady; it’s a bit slippery. There’s a lot of clay on this land and with all that snow it takes a while to drain. The benches are dry, though.’
I shrug my evening jacket tight up against my neck and once we’re seated it’s a lovely sheltered spot.
‘Not bad, is it? The trees break the wind and here we’re in a bit of a dip. The added advantage is that we can’t be seen from the house.’
‘You’re hiding?’ I speak without thinking and then feel a little awkward because it sounded challenging.
‘No. Or yes, maybe a little. I always get invited and if I don’t turn up the
n Cressida starts to worry something is up. But I’m not a part of her world any more and she forgets that. I don’t want to step back into this and besides, it’s awkward when Robert’s around.’
Matthew leans forward, stretching out his back.
I know I should let his comment pass as it isn’t an invitation to talk, but I can’t help myself.
‘Old wounds.’ My tone reflects the sadness I feel for a difficult situation.
‘It’s tough when something isn’t really over but it’s also not salvageable.’
I’m shocked by his words. I find it rather hard to believe Cressida is insensitive enough to insist on Matthew being here. It must hurt him to see Robert and Cressida socialising, almost as if they are a couple.
‘Oh, the anger is gone because it was years ago now,’ he’s quick to assure me. ‘It feels like another lifetime, to be honest. I was a fool and so was Eve.’
I frown. ‘Who’s Eve?’
Matthew turns to look at me with sadness in his eyes.
‘Robert’s wife. It was just one of those things. Robert worked long hours on the farm and Cressida was always busy. If she wasn’t looking after the boys then she was poring over plans for renovating what I refer to as this mausoleum.’
‘You mean this house?’
He nods.
‘It was too much to take on because it was falling apart. I know it’s worth a fair bit now and it is a beautiful house once more. But it killed our marriage. That still doesn’t excuse my affair and both Eve and I were horrified afterwards, realising what we’d done. We were just two very lonely people at the time. It was the one thing we had in common. Like me, Eve wasn’t into all this dramatic, emotional stuff. We were simply two people desperately in need of feeling something, anything, to justify our existence. It was a momentary lapse and we both knew it was a big mistake. But the damage had been done and we had to live with the consequences of a moment of pure madness.’
I can’t believe it. Cary thinks Cressida was the one who had an affair.
‘I thought—’ I stop myself in time. It’s not for me to voice Cary’s suspicions.
‘It wasn’t planned, if that’s what you think. We simply found ourselves alone together and one thing led to another. Robert forgave her but, of course, he never forgave me. He stayed with her until the end and he was devoted. But I knew he didn’t love her and Eve herself told me it wasn’t a love match but an arranged marriage. Two significant landowning families joining forces by encouraging their offspring to wed. No, he never loved Eve, but he’s always been in love with Cressida.’
I struggle to keep my face composed and not to reveal how horrified I am by Matthew’s revelation. Cary has absolutely no idea of the truth and this is almost incomprehensible.
‘But Robert knows that I’ve always loved her and that she loves me. The stumbling block is this house and what it represents. And that’s why I’m willing to be here, but not in there. Does that make any sort of sense to you?’
‘It makes perfect sense, although I can’t pretend it isn’t the last thing I suspected.’ Cary’s voice appears out of the darkness and both mine and Matthew’s heads pivot in his direction.
Matthew remains silent and I don’t know what to say. After a few moments Cary walks across the springy turf to sit on the bench opposite Matthew and me.
‘All these years I’ve been cold to Robert. Since you left all he’s ever shown is support for Grandma and I never once saw him do anything out of place. That’s why I didn’t just tolerate him being around. I had to be grateful because he was – whether I liked it or not – Grandma’s tower of strength. But it hurt and I watched him, waiting for the moment he let down his guard and showed his true nature. I thought that Grandma’s head was so full of romantic nonsense that she’d brought all of this on herself. And no one ever thought to tell Laurence and me the truth.’
‘Would it have changed anything?’ Matthew peers across at Cary, his voice full of sadness. But I also sense a little relief as if he never was happy about burying the secrets of the past.
‘Robert is a good man and yet I’ve always felt uncomfortable around him because I blamed him for Grandma’s unhappiness; I can’t speak for Laurence. I even struggled with my own conscience because I didn’t want to like or admire the man, but that’s exactly what I ended up doing. You can only judge someone by their actions and he never put a foot wrong. Once you upped and left, he was the one Grandma rang whenever she needed something, and I hated that it was him and not you. You should have told us, Granddad.’
Matthew’s head is bent forward. ‘I know this sounds like an excuse, but we’re talking about something that happened almost thirty years ago. We all moved on from it, although in hindsight not very successfully.’
Cary looks agitated. ‘So why did you suddenly decide to walk away five years ago? Now that doesn’t make any sense at all. If you weren’t happy why didn’t you leave long before that? Was it your choice, or Grandma’s?’
Matthew’s head tips back and he faces Cary’s stare with steely determination.
‘I left because I wanted a divorce. I thought that four years on from Eve’s death Robert might finally grab the opportunity to tell Cressida how he feels about her. None of us are getting any younger and I owed him. And Cressida.’
Cary shakes his head as if it’s too much to take in. ‘But you aren’t divorced.’
‘No, because Cressida refused to entertain the idea as she doesn’t want to address the financial issues, as she puts it. She says we’re estranged, which is sufficient. It’s a term I absolutely loathe because who uses that these days? Only novelists, I suspect, because it smacks of drama. She knows I’ll never push it, even though I don’t want anything from her. I’m ticking over just fine as I am. But unless she changes her mind, that’s the way we stay. Look, I’m sorry as it was never my intention to share this with you, Cary, because that’s not what she wanted.’
‘Oh, but you were quite happy to share it with Leesa.’
A guilty look fleetingly passes over Matthew’s face.
‘Yes, because sometimes even I need to confide in someone. I needed to hear myself say it… own it, if you like. Whatever happens, don’t mention this to your grandma. I’ve caused her enough heartache over the years and there’s no point in dragging all of this up again now.’
With that Matthew stands, placing one hand on my shoulder.
‘Thanks for listening, Leesa. It helps to share on a night like this when the past is taunting me. I only put in an appearance because of her, but it’s hard.’
With that he turns to walk back over to the path. I stare after him until he’s consumed in darkness.
‘Look, I’m really sorry about that, Cary. I wasn’t prying, that wasn’t my intention at all. It was obvious Matthew needed to talk and I just happened to be here.’
Cary stands and strides across to sit next to me, the bench shifting a little as he lowers himself down onto it.
‘Poor Grandma. Her hero turned out to be the villain of the story. Do you think she’s punishing him by using his guilt to stop them cutting all ties?’
I ponder over his words. ‘No. She’s not a vindictive woman. Cressida will have witnessed pretty much most of life’s harsher events in her life and these things happen; people make mistakes and regret them, all the time. But one thing I don’t understand is that I clearly remember Cressida saying that she didn’t think Matthew had ever loved her, as if they had never sat down and talked about it.’
I turn my head and Cary and I stare at each other, a rather tragic thought occurring to us both.
‘You think she has no idea he’s in love with her?’ He’s not really looking for my endorsement, because his heart is telling him the answer.
‘Yes, and that’s so sad, Cary. Clearly, she has always loved him. I find it hard to believe she chose this house over the chance to embrace their love, though. And now she’s content to hand it over to you? Just like that, as if she was only eve
r a temporary custodian, when it seems to have blighted her life in one way. Was she simply being a dutiful daughter? If so, that’s bizarre, like something out of a Victorian novel.’
The cold is beginning to consume me now and I shiver, involuntarily.
‘We should head back inside.’
‘Sorry, I meant to ask if everything is okay with Cressida?’
He nods, smiling at me for a second or two, lifting the mood. ‘One of Grandma’s guests had a little too much to drink and it required two of us to help her into the back seat of her limousine.’
‘Oh. I see. By contrast I feel decidedly sober and I can’t believe it’s New Year’s Eve. Christmas feels like a very long time ago.’
As we stand, Cary edges closer and for some stupid reason my heart begins to race. None of this is real, Leesa, I chide myself.
‘People do a great job of messing up their lives, don’t they?’
For a split-second I think he’s going to lean in to kiss me but instead he offers me his arm. But he wanted to kiss me at that precise moment. I could see it in his eyes. There is a growing sense of chemistry between us, but do we need that sort of complication to throw into the mix?
‘Will you mention any of this to Cressida, despite what Matthew said?’ I query, as we begin the walk back up to the house.
‘Not yet. I’m going to talk to Robert, though, and see if he knows what’s going on with her and why she suddenly wants to make big changes in her life. Someone must know something, and I don’t want to do the wrong thing and upset her. At least Granddad was right about that.’
*
After what turned out to be a rather sombre end to the old year, this morning the sun is shining, as if joyfully announcing the arrival of the first of January. Even the chilly north-easterly wind has abated.
Magic Under the Mistletoe Page 17