Beautifully Broken Control

by Catherine Cowles

  I grunted in response. Tuck eyed me and shook his head. He knew there was nothing in this world that could keep me out of this house. And if Walker was honest with himself, he knew it, too.

  As we crested the hill, a cabin and two cars came into view, an SUV that looked to be on its last legs, and a Mercedes. Walker held a finger to his lips and inclined his head towards the vehicles.

  I took in the cabin, searching for any signs of movement. There was nothing. If not for the cars, I would’ve thought there was no one inside.

  Walker and Tuck arranged themselves on either side of the door, Walker motioning for me to stand behind him. Gun gripped in two hands, Walker nodded. Tuck took two strides up onto the cabin steps. “Sutter Lake police.” With a swift movement I’d only seen on the screen, he kicked the flimsy door open, wood shattering around the busted lock.

  My friends cleared the door in seconds, making their way through the space in a choreographed dance that only came with hours of training and practice. I followed behind, doing everything I could not to get in the way. The only sounds were the occasional “clear” from Tuck or Walker. Until I heard a strangled scream.

  My chest seized as Tuck and Walker rushed towards the sound, careful to clear any doorways before passing by. It was taking too long. Kennedy was screaming, and anything could be happening to her. I pushed out every dark and disturbing image that tried to fight its way into my mind. I had to stay focused on Kenz. She was the only thing that mattered.

  Tuck pushed a door open as Walker held his gun ready and halted as soon as he crossed the threshold. “Sutter Lake police. Put the weapon down, slowly.”

  The air in my lungs disappeared in an instant. There was only Kennedy. My Kenz. My wild dancer. Perrier-obsessed, joyous spirit. And she had a gun to her head. The woman who held it looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place her.

  “I don’t think I’m going to do that.” The voice was calm. Far too composed for the situation.

  “Ma’am, the only way out of this is for you to let Kennedy go. Releasing her will make the courts lenient.” Walker’s negotiator hat was on now.

  The woman laughed, sharp and ugly. “So polite, with the ma’am. Kennedy, you’ve made such proper friends. It’s a shame you couldn’t do that growing up.”

  What the fuck? Who was this woman?

  “Oh, screw this,” Tuck muttered. There was a pop and, suddenly, the woman was down. Down and convulsing, wires seeming to come out of her chest. I didn’t care what had happened, I only cared about Kennedy.

  I rushed to the bed, grabbing her face as gently as I could. “Kenz. Where are you hurt?”

  She winced at the sound of my voice. “I’m okay. Really. Can you untie me?” Her voice started to almost slur as she asked, and her eyes rolled back in her head. Kennedy’s body stiffened, falling to the bed and then seizing.

  What the hell? Had Tuck tased her accidentally? I checked for wires. There was nothing. Panic dug its icy claws into my chest. “Help! I need help!”

  Walker rushed to my side. “What happened?”

  “I don’t know.” My hands frantically skimmed over Kennedy’s body as she convulsed. “She said she was fine, but her words were slurred, and then her eyes rolled back in her head.”

  “Help me get her on her side.” We rolled Kenz to her side as she shook.

  “What’s going on?”

  Walker glanced quickly at me before returning his focus to Kennedy. “She’s having a seizure. Could mean trauma to the brain.”

  “Ambulance and backup are on the way. ETA, five minutes,” Tuck called from the floor where he was cuffing the woman.

  My muscles were wound so tight, it seemed they might snap. No. No. No. This could not be happening. I would not lose her. Kennedy’s body stilled, and Walker rolled her to her back, placing his cheek next to her mouth. “She’s breathing.”

  My muscles didn’t relax. I circled around Walker as he moved to her wrist, trying to take her pulse. I brushed the hair back from Kennedy’s face. She was so pale, her freckles standing out in dark contrast. “Kenz. Please open your eyes.”

  Tears filled my eyes. I couldn’t hold them back. Didn’t want to. I hadn’t cried since the day we’d put my sister in the ground. But these tears, they were filled with all the words I hadn’t said. Things I hated myself for holding back. “Kenz.” It was a plea. “Don’t leave me.” My voice broke. “I love you.” A single tear spilled over, splashing on her cheek. She didn’t answer.

  45

  Kennedy

  Beep. Beep. Beep. The sound was the first thing I became aware of. Then came the pain. A throbbing that seemed to engulf my entire body. I let out a small moan. Or what should’ve been a moan but was more like a croak.

  A hand spasmed in mine. Warm. The skin rough. Everything about it was familiar somehow. “Kenz? Can you open your eyes?” The voice. It was tough and gentle all at the same time. I wanted to crawl inside it and stay there forever. “Please, Kenz. Let me see those beautiful green eyes. Please.”

  I wanted to give the voice what it asked for. My lids fluttered, but I couldn’t quite seem to force them open. It was as if each eyelash held a weight, keeping them down.

  The hand squeezed mine. “That’s it, baby. You can do it.”

  My eyes flickered and then opened. The light in the room was low. The figure hunched over my bed, almost in shadow. Scruff covered his jaw, and his eyes were full of pain. He took my hand and brought it to his lips. Warm, soft skin pressed into my own. “Cain.” My voice was barely audible, and the single word burned my throat.

  Cain instantly turned to grab a cup from the table. “Here. They said you could have a couple of small sips as soon as you woke up.” He guided the straw between my lips. They felt dry, cracked, but the water was heaven on my tongue and throat. I swallowed eagerly. Cain removed the straw. “Okay, that’s enough. We don’t want you getting sick.”

  I let out a sound of protest, but the moment I tried to lift my head off the pillow, pain shot through my skull. I gasped.

  “Shit. Let me get a nurse.” Cain rose, crossing to the door and calling out into the hallway.

  The loss of him, his closeness, was worse than any pain coursing through my head. My breaths picked up speed as panic set in. He couldn’t leave me. I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

  Worry etched lines in Cain’s beautiful face as he returned to my bedside. “Baby, breathe. What’s wrong?”

  “Don’t leave.” I wasn’t above begging. Any bits of pride had long since fled. Tears filled my eyes.

  Cain’s jaw hardened as pain, raw and deep, filled his gaze. He gently cupped my cheek. “I’m not going anywhere. Not ever again. You have me.”

  I opened my mouth to respond, but a woman in scrubs bustled in, ending the moment. “Hello, Kennedy, we are so glad to have you awake and with us.” The woman was beautiful. Smooth, brown skin, and amber eyes, hair piled on her head in a bun. She eyed Cain with a smile. “And I’m pretty sure your fella here is glad, too. I’m Dr. Andrews. How are you feeling?”

  Cain answered before I had a chance. “She gasped in pain when she tried to lift her head off the pillow, and her throat hurts.”

  The doctor nodded. “For now, let’s try to stay still. I’m going to do a quick exam, and then we’ll get another dose of pain meds in you. Sound good?”

  “Yes. Thank you.” I licked my lips. “What happened?” Everything was hazy. I wasn’t even sure what the last thing I remembered was.

  Dr. Andrews pulled a small penlight out of her pocket. “We’ll fill you in on the whats and hows a little later, but you hit your head.” She flashed the light over my eyes. “There was enough force that it caused a bleed in your brain that required surgery to relieve the pressure in your skull.” I tensed, and Dr. Andrews patted my hand. “You’re going to be just fine. We’re taking good care of you, and if all goes well, you’ll be out of here in just a few days.” She pulled on a pair of gloves. “I’m just going to check your inci
sion quickly.”

  In a matter of moments, she was peeling back what felt like gauze and then putting it back in place. “Everything looks great. The nurses will be in to check on you every thirty minutes or so for the next few hours, but we’ll try to let you get some sleep tonight.” Dr. Andrews glanced at Cain. “Should I let everyone in the waiting room know the update?”

  Cain scrubbed a hand over his jaw. “Yeah. That would be great. Thank you. For everything.”

  Dr. Andrews beamed. “Of course. I’m glad everything’s going so well. I’ll give you two some privacy.” She winked at me and headed for the door.

  I looked at Cain. “Brain surgery?”

  His hand clasped mine again, bringing it to his mouth and merely holding it there. He whispered words against my skin. “I’ve never been more scared in my life. I-I—” Tears filled his eyes. “I thought I was going to lose you.” He moved my hand to his cheek and pressed it there, the stubble pricking my palm. “I thought I was going to lose you, and that you’d never know how much I loved you.”

  I sucked in a sharp breath. “You love me?”

  “I didn’t want to.” The words stung, but I didn’t want pretty lies, I’d had that all my life, I wanted the ugly truth. The truth that was beautiful in its ugliness because it was raw. Real.

  Cain pushed on. “I wanted easy. Predictable. Numb. I didn’t want someone who would make me feel. I wanted someone I could place in a carefully constructed box. That was never you, you could never fit into some small sliver of my life, you snuck into every last piece of it. The scent of you lingers in every room, your touch burns my skin long after you take your hand away. You crawled into my fucking heart, and I know I’ll never get you out. I never want to try. I love you, Kennedy. And I’ll work for the rest of my life to atone for hurting you. I’ll tell you every last detail of my past. Show you any picture you want. Take out every last skeleton. You have me. All of me. Even the demons.”

  Hot tears spilled over my cheeks. “I love you. I’ll love your demons, too. Just don’t hide them from me.”

  Cain shook his head, keeping my hand pressed to his cheek. “Never again. I love you.” He chuckled, dropping my hand to the bed but keeping it firmly between his. “I was terrified of those words, and now I can’t stop saying them.”

  I grinned, not caring that the motion made my head throb. “I’ll never get tired of hearing them.”

  There was a knock on the door. Cain scowled. “Hold on.” He released me, but the fear of him leaving didn’t return this time. He pulled the door open a crack and spoke in hushed, angry tones. “Wait.” He shut the door in the person’s face.

  Cain turned and strode back to the bed, a scowl on his face. “Preston’s here.”

  The sound of my brother’s name had memories flooding back. Doug. My mom. Her plan. The pain. My hand shot to my mouth as tears filled my eyes again. “My mom.”

  Cain gently pulled my hand away from my face. “I know, baby. I’m so sorry.”

  “H-h-how could she do that?”

  He pressed his mouth to my hand, lips skimming over my knuckles. “I don’t know, baby. I don’t know how evil can root itself so deeply in some people.”

  I hiccupped. “Preston’s here.”

  Cain tried his best to hide his scowl but was only partially successful. “The cops had to call him to question him. He hopped on a plane the minute he heard.” Cain glanced at the door. “I don’t trust him…but he seems pretty wrecked. Do you want him to come in?”

  My chest constricted and released. I wanted my brother back. It didn’t matter how many past hurts lay between us. I’d forgive it all if I could just have him in my life again. “Please.”

  Cain nodded and slowly turned back to the door, releasing my hand. Opening the door, he growled out a warning. “You say one thing that upsets her, and you’re out.”

  Preston nodded. No snide or pissed-off response, just quick agreement. Cain stepped out of the doorway, and Preston gasped. I was sure I looked awful, but he didn’t appear much better. His hair was a tumbled mess as if he’d run his fingers through it hundreds of times, and his eyes were swollen and red. He shuffled his feet but never took his eyes off me. “Twinkle Toes.”

  The two words had my eyes filling. “Pres.”

  He rushed to my bedside, reaching out to take my hand but stopping short. He swallowed. “Can-can I touch you?” I nodded, and he scooped up my hand, squeezing it gently as he sat in the chair next to my bed. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t know.”

  “I know you didn’t.” My brother might’ve lost his way, said things that cut deep, but I knew he’d never physically try to harm me. He didn’t have that kind of meanness in him. I looked from my brother to Cain. “Where is she?”

  He knew exactly who I meant. “In jail.” His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “Where she belongs.”

  Cain leaned against the wall on the opposite side of my bed. “And she will be there for a very long time.”

  Preston squeezed my hand again. “I know Dad screwed up. If I’m honest with myself, I know you did the right thing. But I was just so mad that you didn’t come to me first, let me try and fix it—”

  “It wasn’t fixable, Pres. It was too far gone.”

  He winced. “You might be right about that. But I was hurt. And I couldn’t let go of that anger.” Tears welled in his eyes. “And now I’ll never be able to take back all those horrible things I said.”

  My fingers dug into the back of Preston’s hand, my heart at war with itself. He’d hurt me so badly, but under all the pain, one thing was true. I wanted my brother back. “I won’t pretend there’s not a lot of hurt lying between us, Pres.” He blinked back tears, and I hurried on. “But I want you in my life.” His hand spasmed in mine. “I think we can build a relationship again, don’t you?”

  He nodded as he wiped away a single tear that had escaped. “I missed you so fucking much, Twinkle Toes.”

  “I missed you, too.” I looked up at Cain with what I knew was a watery smile. “I’ve got my family now.”

  Cain’s returning smile was gentle. “Now, and always.”

  “Can you get me a piece of paper and a pen?”

  Cain nodded. “Sure. Why?”

  “I want to write down exactly how this feels right now. How grateful I am.” It was maybe the most important slip of paper that would ever go into my gratitude jar. The thing I had always hoped for. A family who loved me just as I was.

  TWO WEEKS LATER

  “If you don’t let me off this couch, I’m going to bean you with my bottle of Perrier.”

  Cain snickered and didn’t look the least bit scared. Apparently, my sense of gratitude for my newfound family had been short-lived. Because they were all hovering like crazy. Sarah brought over food what seemed like every other day. Walker had personally taken my statement at the lake house so I wouldn’t have to venture into the police station. When Tessa and Liam had returned from the most recent leg of his tour, she had brought Liam over to play me my own personal concert because she had read that music was helpful to those recovering from brain injuries.

  The girls had taken pity on me last night and came over with spa supplies in tow. They painted my nails, and we did face masks. It almost felt normal, except that Cain appeared every twenty minutes just to check on me. Jensen had finally threatened that the next time he came into the living room, she’d put a mask on his face and glitter polish on his toes.

  I loved them all. But they were driving me batty. My doctor had given me the go-ahead for moderate activity, and Cain was still trying to keep me couch-bound for twenty hours a day. I let out a growl that only had Cain laughing harder. “Come on, Kenz. I haven’t seen this Murder, She Wrote episode yet, and I think I’ve got the killer figured out.”

  They were going to need to figure out who killed Cain in a minute. I scowled at the screen. I’d even hit my Angela Lansbury limit, which was saying something. I glanced over at Cain, who
was refocused on the screen. His dark blue eyes shone in the afternoon light. The stubble he often wore now, dotted his jaw. He was so damn handsome, it stole my breath.

  My lips twitched. Slowly, so he wouldn’t notice, I slipped off the boxers I was wearing under the blanket before moving the cover aside. Cain’s t-shirt hung low on my frame, covering everything yet slipping off one shoulder. I moved swiftly, throwing a leg over Cain’s lap and straddling him.

  “What are you doing, Kenz?”

  I nipped at his chin. “What does it look like I’m doing?” The doctor had said that sex, as long as it wasn’t too rough, was totally fine. Cain had ignored the decree. He touched me plenty, but it was all gentle and loving and not sexual at all, yet it still managed to drive me crazy.

  “I don’t think this is a good idea.” His hand slipped under the hem of my shirt, finding me bare. “Fuck! Where did your shorts go?”

  I giggled. “Oops. Must’ve lost them somewhere.”

  Cain let out a litany of curses, but his fingers dragged lower, delving into my center. I pressed up on my knees, granting him better access. He teased and toyed, stroking in lazy circles, but not venturing where I needed him most. “What do you need, Kenz?”

  “You.” It was a breathless plea, and I didn’t even care. I tugged at his sweats until he lifted, helping slip them down around his knees.

  Cain’s eyes met mine and held. “Slow and easy. Promise me.”

  “Slow and easy.”

  His mouth took mine as I lowered myself onto him. I almost wept at the feel of him. Stretching, so full. God, I’d missed this. Cain broke the kiss, cupping my face. “I love you.”

  My breath hitched. “More than I can say.” It was true. I couldn’t put into words how much I loved this man. So, I’d show him. I began to move, slowly rolling my hips, exploring the dance that only the two of us would ever have. Testing movements until I found that perfect pace.

  Cain tugged at my shirt, pulling it over my head. He leaned back against the couch, taking in all of me. His breaths were coming faster now. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.” His words had my core tightening. “Fuck. I’m not going to last. It’s been too long since I’ve been inside you. Find it, baby.”