Neither of them had lifted a glass. For the moment everything else was on hold. She took a deep breath and said, “No, I was wrong. You do have to go on. I need to know why you vanished from my life. Was it something I did?”
He seemed to be gathering himself, and he took a deep breath before he spoke. “In a way, yes. I had my life planned in detail, and it certainly didn’t include what was happening. You made me feel things I didn’t want to.” He continued to hold her hand, gripping it tighter than before.
“What was happening? “
“For a long time I couldn’t identify what I felt. I knew I wanted you, that I couldn’t get enough of being with you. When I left Tallahassee, I told myself that after some time passed I’d be able to put it all in perspective. I was sure once I could think clearly again, once you weren’t right there with me, I would make the right decision for both of us. Instead being away from you made me realize my true feelings.”
She was an artist and she thought in images. Unbidden she saw a fisherman trying to pry open an oyster with his fingernails on the unlikely chance it might contain a pearl. She fought back a desire to pry words from Justin’s lips and waited.
“When I realized how much I loved you, you were gone,” he said finally.
A shiver went through her. She, who had learned to be patient in all the difficult years with her mother, hadn’t been patient enough. She, who had learned to have faith in others despite the absence of people to have faith in within her own life, hadn’t had enough faith. Five years ago when they truly needed each other, when their baby daughter had been growing inside her womb, she had given up on love.
And yet, could she be blamed?
“I always thought you loved me,” she said, fighting not to cry. “But I was in too much turmoil to wait any longer.”
“You must think I’m an emotional zombie. Sometimes I think so.”
“I think,” she said carefully, swallowing the lump in her throat, “that neither of us was mature enough to deserve the love we found. I had so many needs of my own, and you had so many concerns, that maybe all the love in the world wouldn’t have made the difference.”
“That’s what I told myself when I discovered you’d left Tallahassee.”
He relaxed his grip on her hand, unknotting his fingers from hers to lift his wineglass. But he didn’t take a sip, he played with it, turning it around and around. “I went to Hawaii for a conference. For weeks I had been pulling back in order to see everything more clearly, and I remember being grateful the conference would provide me with diversion.”
“That must have been about the time you stopped writing.”
“I didn’t want to think about you long enough to put pen to paper, I was so confused. When I got to Honolulu I threw myself into the tourist routine, thinking that would help. But everywhere I went I kept seeing these gorgeous women with long black hair, and I could only think of you. Finally, one night I took a walk on the beach, trying to come to terms with myself and you. I walked for hours, and when I realized the sun was coming up, I knew what I’d been fighting all along.”
“That’s when you realized you loved me?” she said in a voice she almost didn’t recognize.
He didn’t answer directly. “I went back to my hotel and called you, but there was no answer. I tried all day, and finally I changed my reservation and took the next plane to Florida. Before I left I went to a tourist-trap gift shop and bought you a red muumuu. I was going to tell you that someday when you were pregnant you’d look wonderful in it. Pretty ironic.” He lapsed into silence.
“I was gone when you got to Tallahassee.”
“Gone without a trace. I checked with everybody you’d known. I haunted the art building, talking to professors, but no one had any idea where you’d gone. You shocked everybody when you withdrew and threw away your scholarship. Finally I managed to get your father’s address.”
“And he didn’t tell you what had happened?” Bethany couldn’t believe her father would have kept the news a secret from her baby’s father. Chief Petty Officer Walker was more the type to enforce a shotgun wedding.
“He was gone. Off to sea.”
“I was so ashamed. Not of being pregnant, but of falling for a man who didn’t want me. Instead of a scarlet A I thought I deserved an F for foolish.”
“No, I was the fool. I thought I had all the time in the world to make decisions for both of us. Can you imagine that kind of conceit? I was so sure of you I didn’t even try to express what I was feeling. If I had just told you how much I cared about you, even if I thought we ought to spend some time apart, you would never have left Tallahassee without telling me about the baby.”
As Bethany shook her head, her hair swirled around her face, threatening to dislodge the comb she had so carefully placed there. “We can’t second-guess now, Justin. Neither of us will ever know how things would have turned out had we been more honest.”
They had chosen the perfect place for their discussion. Their waiter seemed to be attuned to their mood, and they had suffered no disturbances as they’d bared their souls. Now, however, the young man came to their table with a concerned expression.
“May I get you a different wine?” he asked Justin. “Your first course will be here in a moment.”
Justin shook his head. “We’re fine, thanks.” And he took his first sip.
The food arrived, Shrimp Remoulade and Oysters Rockefeller, and they ate in silence. Everything was marvelous, with all the subtle flavors of Creole cuisine. Here, as in many restaurants of the cosmopolitan city, the food was a blend of French, Spanish, and African cooking, as well as native foods and spices. It was uniquely New Orleans. They finished the first course, sharing tidbits from each other’s plates, still without talking.
“There’s one more thing I’d like to know,” Bethany asked at last, as they waited for their soup to arrive. “When you discovered I was gone, what reason did you imagine for my leaving?”
“I thought you’d probably got involved with someone else and didn’t tell me because you were embarrassed. Besides, I knew you didn’t owe me an explanation.”
“And that’s why you didn’t make more of an effort to track me down.” All the pieces of the puzzle were complete. He had been in love with her, but his own pride had kept him from doing more to find her.
“If I had even suspected that the person you were involved with was my baby,” he said, “then I would have torn the country apart to find you. But you’d assured me more than once you weren’t pregnant.”
Their soup was set in front of them, and as before, they ate in silence. Finishing first, Bethany watched Justin finish his. This man, the only man she had ever loved, had once felt the same wonderful feeling for her. It was like him to choose this time and place to tell her. Antoine’s precluded any emotional displays; no hand wringing, floods of tears, or temper tantrums would be appropriate. Just quiet explanations.
Too, the choice was a signal of something more. In this place it would also be impossible to carry the conversation a step further. This wasn’t the moment to discuss their present feelings. She was absolutely sure Justin had planned it that way. The restaurant’s careful, dignified atmosphere was the perfect extension of Justin Dumontier’s own privacy.
“Is our past really behind us now?” It was her way of telling him that from this moment on she hoped to deal with more than the past. “I’d like it to be finished.”
“I would, too.” And then he looked at her in a way that made her heart drop to her toes. “It’s been between us too long,” he said, his dark eyes flashing. “I don’t want anything between us anymore.”
She thought his words were meant to be a charm to set them free.
The rest of the extravagant meal passed quickly. With a benediction to the pain of the past they edged back into the easy, natural relationship they had once enjoyed together. Bethany questioned Justin about his life in Chicago and about the job he had left.
“At firs
t,” he said, his expression warm and relaxed, “I just planned to come back and close out my father’s share of the practice. But there was a lot I hadn’t anticipated, and I finally had to make a commitment to stay for several months. Luckily I had all kinds of vacation time coming to me in Chicago, and I wasn’t in the middle of something so important that it couldn’t be turned over to another attorney. I’m scheduled to go back next month.”
“You miss it, don’t you?”
“I haven’t had time to miss it. I’ve been too busy.”
“But I remember how much you liked being involved in all those big cases. Didn’t you tell me once you would rather sweep the streets than do real-estate transactions and tax law?”
“Actually, my father’s firm is involved in some pretty interesting cases. They’ve done little criminal law, but one of the younger partners has taken some cases recently. The firm’s trying to make it worth my while to stay and take charge of an important client they’ve been asked to defend.”
Bethany’s heart missed a beat. Justin in New Orleans longer? The idea was beyond appealing. “Would one case be interesting enough?’’
“Actually, I’m finding some of the more mundane cases interesting, too. I always thought divorce and custody cases were as bad as ambulance chasing. But these days I have a new empathy for what my clients are going through in their lives.”
“I bet.”
He smiled warmly. “I never quite understood the damage the normal events we should take for granted can do to people. There may not be anything earthshaking about this kind of law practice, but it’s earthshaking to my clients, and now it feels important. I never would have thought that possible.”
The combination of good food, the one glass of wine she had finally allowed herself, and a greater peace of mind was working magic. She was no longer sorting through everything she wanted to say—or feel. “What I do is so frivolous in comparison. I love it, but making masks certainly isn’t contributing to society.”
“Don’t kid yourself. It contributes a lot. Beauty, gaiety, drama—they’re all important. It suits you, and from what I can tell, you put a little of yourself into every mask you make.”
She couldn’t hold back her delight another moment. Leaning toward him, she ran her finger down the side of his face and followed it with a kiss on his clean-shaven cheek. The touch and spicy smell of his warm skin shimmered through her body. “You’ve always known how to make me feel good about myself,” she said more breathlessly than she had intended.
“Let’s get out of here,” he said, dropping some bills on the table and taking her hand.
The night was star sprinkled, with the old-fashioned streetlamps sending a smooth golden glow as they walked along the flagstone sidewalks. Justin held her close, his arm around her waist as they drifted from block to block, enjoying the sweet-smelling air and the merrymakers who were beginning to celebrate the carnival season.
Banners of green, gold and purple, the official New Orleans carnival colors, hung from balconies and doorways, and shop windows were decorated with balloons and clowns, beads and doubloons. There were masks, too—rubber masks from Taiwan, ceramic masks of clowns, and masks on sticks to be held as temporary disguises. Occasionally there were handmade masks, and Bethany pointed out a display window with some she had made and sold the year before.
“I love this time of year,” she said, her happiness reflected in her voice. “The rest of the world has no idea what it’s missing.”
They had drifted as far as the Moonwalk across from Jackson Square and were sitting peacefully on a bench watching lights glimmering on the west bank of the Mississippi river. Justin had settled her in the crook of his arm. “Are you trying to convince me I could learn to like carnival?”
“Don’t tell me you’re one of those New Orleanians who’d be happiest flying to Timbuktu on Twelfth Night and staying there until Ash Wednesday.”
“I moved to Chicago, didn’t I?”
“Mmm—You need carnival, Justin. It’s just what the doctor ordered.” She was only half joking. The freedom to simply let go was foreign to his nature, even though it was a part of the culture he had grown up in. She was sure if he could learn to surrender himself to the unexpected, to joy, his life would be so much happier.
“Analysis from the beautiful, mask maker?”
“Before I can make a mask, I have to understand what’s happening underneath it. I’m just presenting you with my valuable insight.” She turned toward him, to discover he was looking at her. Their faces were only inches apart, and she held her breath as the resulting kiss devoured her with a steady aching pressure. Her hands tangled in his black hair, and she fingered the strands as the kiss deepened.
Finally he pulled away just far enough to ask, “And what do you need?”
It was the perfect time to tell him that she needed him. Now they knew secrets could only be destructive. But taking the ultimate step and admitting she still loved him was one confession too many tonight.
“I think I need another kiss,” she said, instead. And he complied, holding her hard against his chest until his warmth seemed to burn through the thin material of her dress.
The walk back to her apartment was long and purposely slow. Bethany quietly basked in the glow of moonlight kisses and the revelation of past love. Silently they climbed into the Mercedes parked in front of Life’s Illusions to drive to Justin’s house to pick up their daughter.
“You know this isn’t how I want the evening to end, don’t you?” Justin said with husky promise in his voice.
“I think there will be other evenings,” she said carefully. And she knew if they could strengthen the tentative bonds that were forming, that someday there might be even more.
CHAPTER TWELVE
THE POUNDING ECHOING through the tiny apartment didn’t stop when Bethany pulled her pillow over her head. The bed springs creaked, and the unmistakable jolt of a small body on hers forced her to give up and toss the pillow aside.
She gave her daughter a quick good morning hug. “What’s going on? It’s the middle of the night.”
“It’s not. Lamar is at the door.”
Yawning, Bethany began the slow process of sitting up and stretching. When one eye was wide open and the second on its way, she realized Abby was right. Filtered only by sheer curtains, sunlight streamed through the large windows, and Lamar at the door sounded entirely too cheerful not to be wide awake.
“Let him in, sweetheart.” She followed the little girl to the bedroom door, closing it so she could pull on jeans and a white T-shirt. After running a comb through her hair, she made her way into the living room, still blinking herself awake.
“Chère, why so tired, you?”
“I stayed up late last night finishing masks. Why so early, you?”
“I bring an invitation from Maman and the rest of the family, particularly my adoring brother Celin.”
Bethany waved him toward the sofa and stumbled into the kitchen. “Considering that Celin is only sixteen, I guess it’s safe to ask what it’s for.”
Lamar watched her make coffee while he leisurely ate a banana from the fruit bowl on the counter. “Maman is tired of not seeing me, she says. Today everyone’s coming for a crawfish boil, and you and Abby are guests of honor.”
“A crawfish boil? Your apartment’s only large enough to hold you, and if you eat any more of my bananas, possibly not even that.”
He grinned as he reached for another. “They’re going to Audubon Park to set up now. Maman, Celin, my brother Aldus and his wife, Celestine, and their three children are already here. More will come later. You’ll come, heh?”
Mentally she ticked off all the things that needed to be done that day. Masks to complete, a trip to the grocery store to stock up for the week and replace the bananas, a two-hour shift at Life’s Illusions until Valerie could take over. There might be room for some fun, too, if she worked fast. “So when?”
“Anytime. We’ll eat aro
und three o’clock or so. In fact we’ll eat all day—the crawfish, they’ll be eaten at four.’’
“We’ll walk down to Canal and catch the streetcar as soon as I can finish here. I can’t wait to see your family again.”
Lamar finished off the second banana with a flourish. “Perhaps your Justin would like to come?”
“Lamar, he’s not my Justin,” she said too quickly, and then blushed at Lamar’s laughter.
“I see the way he looks at you. He would like to be your Justin.’’
“How about you and Danielle de Bessonet? I’ve never seen two people get along better and faster than you did.”
“Judge for yourself. She’s coming to meet Maman today.”
As much as she teased Lamar about his appetite, he was solid muscle, a veritable giant. She noticed that for the first time since she had known him, the long beard had been trimmed, still long but no longer scraggly. His hair had been given the same treatment, and his eyes glowed. She stood on tiptoe and kissed him full on his lips, which were now easier to find. “You watch out, you. Make sure she’s special enough.”
“Mais, non, Beth. Choosing is for robots. Falling? Falling is for lovers.”
He pulled her close, and she snuggled for a moment. Maybe if she had never met Justin Dumontier she would have found a different place in her heart for Lamar, but Justin had firmly occupied the place she had reserved for love. Lamar, perhaps sensing this from the first, had asked for nothing more than friendship.
“If I could have chosen with eyes open I would have married you myself. Danielle’s a lucky woman. I hope she’ll let us be friends.’’
“Danielle will learn a Cajun man does what he wants.”
“Like your brother Aldus? He does what he wants as long as Celestine tells him he’s allowed.”
“Ah, that one,” he said, his hands cutting through the air in an arc. “He’s still so in love he would tie her shoes if she asked him to.”
“I’ll be sure to tell Danielle not to buy any sneakers,” she teased.
Abby, who had escaped to the courtyard looking for Bum, came running back inside. “Bum is out there with a skinny black cat and they were kissing. Yuck!”
The Unmasking Page 18