I still crave Kelsey’s easy company, so I make the decision to go back to 1996. I think it will be good to have a break from the bleakness of my current reality, even if the compound is the reason for it in the first place.
I eat a light breakfast and then mix up a dose. I don’t even notice the taste anymore. I brace myself for what’s to come and lie down on my bed.
It’s just after six when I wake up in my old room. I’m lucky it’s the weekend, so I don’t have to worry about coming up with a way to avoid school. I don’t know if I’m supposed to be working, but that wouldn’t be until later in the day anyway.
I get up and dress in a pair of jeans with embroidered flowers down the side and a form-fitting top with a zip in the middle. I pack a bag with my phone and wallet and sneak downstairs, leaving a note for Mum and Dad that says I’m going to the beach for the morning.
I then catch a cab over to Kelsey’s and climb up to her balcony, knocking on the glass. I hear movement inside, and after a second I see her eyes peeking around the side of the curtain. When she sees me, she yanks it back and slides open the door.
“Anna! What the hell are you doing? You scared me half to death!”
“Sorry. I wanted to talk to you and I didn’t think your mum would appreciate me calling your home phone so early. You need to get yourself a mobile.”
“Pfft. How am I supposed to afford a mobile, huh? I barely make anything at the bakery, and I have to give half of my pay to Mum for board.”
“Oh.” I forgot that in the past, mobile phones are actually quite pricey to buy and operate. I guess I was lucky my parents wanted to keep tabs on me and bought me mine. I’d also forgotten that Kelsey worked at a bakery. It’s interesting that I was the one who went on to be a pastry chef.
“Anyway, what was so urgent that you had to come over at…” She squints at her watch. “…6:35am?”
“I was wondering if you wanted to go out for the day?”
“Um, I guess? What did you have in mind?”
“I don’t know. Maybe the Gold Coast or something?”
“Really? You want to go all the way down there?”
“Why not? We could go to one of the theme parks or just hang out at the beach where we don’t know anyone.”
“Okay! Let’s do it!” She seems to warm to the idea quite quickly. I always liked that about Kelsey.
I wait on the driveway while she packs a bag. It doesn’t even seem weird that I prefer the company of a teenager to an adult right now.
She meets me outside and we head to the bus stop.
“You know it’s going to take half the day just to get there?” she says.
“I know. But does it matter?”
“I suppose not.” She throws her head back and lets the morning sun shine on her face. “God. I can’t wait until the end of next year. We could do this kind of thing all the time and not have to answer to anyone.”
“Yeah, but then you’ll have uni and work—and they’re worse.”
“Don’t say that. Why would you say that and ruin my daydream? Besides, you don’t know what it’s going to be like. It might be heaps better.”
I try to think back to when I first finished school. That summer was a blast, with Kelsey and I going out at least five nights a week. She didn’t start studying until February, and I was just working part-time until then, because I didn’t want to jump straight into full-time at the video store until the holidays were over. But then we did get a bit busy, and it wasn’t as great as I thought it would be.
My year in France—well, that’s another story. I want to tell Kelsey all about it…how the country was amazing…how I can now speak fluent French…and how my cooking skills are pretty damn good, even if I do say so myself. I wonder how she’d react if I started showing off.
A bus pulls up. It takes us down to Nambour so we can catch the train to Southport, and then another bus takes us on to Surfers Paradise. I know Kelsey already pointed it out, but I do start to wonder at the intelligence of wasting half the day on a bus.
The journey is pleasant, though. I appreciate having nothing to do other than sit and gossip idly with my best friend. Sometimes she says things that betray her age, but for the most part, she’s pretty mature for a sixteen-year-old. Or maybe I’m just immature for someone in their late thirties.
But once we see the Cavill Mall and I feel the electric energy of the Gold Coast in its heyday, I know the trip was worth it.
We go down to the beach and Kelsey gets out her coconut tanning oil. Do they even make that stuff anymore? I don’t mean the 30+ or 50+ stuff that smells all coconutty, but the actual tanning oil that only has SPF4 or something. I feel like I should warn Kelsey about melanoma, but I know she’ll just ignore me.
“I’m so glad we’re doing this,” she sighs.
“Me too. I really needed today. I don’t think I’ve ever said how much I appreciate you, Kelsey.”
“Aw…I care about you too, babe.”
I lie there, feeling all warm and fuzzy.
After we get our fill of sun, we wander along the Cavill Avenue strip and stop in all the cheesy souvenir shops. This area goes through a major redevelopment over the next twenty years, even more than Main Street at Shell Beach.
We’re just combing through the shelves of a novelty store when I hear a familiar voice. It’s not as deep as I’m used to, but it’s definitely one I recognise.
I peek around a rack of naughty greeting cards blocking my vision, and my mouth drops open.
No way.
Ed is here? How can Ed be here? Maybe I have no free will, and the universe is just making me think I do.
I glance around to see if he’s with anyone, but he appears to be alone.
I grab Kelsey’s arm. “I know that guy.”
She squints in his direction. “Who is he? I don’t think I’ve seen him before.”
“Oh, um, I think he’s from Shell Beach.”
“Really? That’s pretty weird.” She skips over to him before I can stop her. “Hey, are you from Shell Beach?”
He looks up, surprised. “Uh, yeah. I mean, I live in Maroochydore now, but my parents used to have a house there. Why?”
“We are too! My friend Anna here thought she recognised you.” She points to me, still half hiding behind the greeting cards.
“Cool.” He goes back to reading the back of a box of what I think might be edible underwear. Surely that can’t be right. Ed was never that kinky.
“So, do you work up there too?” she asks, apparently not noticing his lack of interest.
“Um, yeah. I work at the Sheraton restaurant.”
I blink. Ed never told me that. The Sheraton is next door to Beans. I was literally only a few metres away from him most days.
My curiosity gets the better of me and I approach him. “What do you do at the Sheraton?” I ask.
He focuses on me, but doesn’t seem particularly impressed with what he sees. “I’m a kitchen hand. Just part-time while I study business.”
“So you don’t want to be a chef or anything?” I push.
“Oh, actually, I kind of do. But law pays better, so I’m going to do that instead.”
He then returns to inspecting the box in his hands, not even questioning why a random stranger would be interested in his life.
I can’t believe Ed wanted to be a chef! How can he have implied my job wasn’t worthy when it was something he once thought he might do? I spent years in restaurants, and he never once relayed any stories about his own experience. That’s weird, isn’t it? Unless he regrets doing law and was always jealous I made a decent career from cooking?
Kelsey gently touches my arm and nods to the door. I follow her out.
Once we’re out of earshot she rolls her eyes. “What a dick.”
“Why do you say that? You didn’t think he was cute?”
“He was okay-looking, but not very friendly. Here we are, miles from Shell Beach, and he doesn’t even try to make an effort
when two pretty girls from his hometown try to make conversation?”
“Maybe he was on a mission.”
“To buy edible underwear? Yeah, a very important mission.”
“So that was edible underwear?”
“Yep. I pity the woman who has to deal with that.”
I can’t help but take her comment personally, even if he’s with Maddie at this point in time. But when I think about it, I do feel a little sorry for me. At least the sixteen-year-old version. She has no idea she will waste some of her best years on a guy who thinks of her as a runner-up.
I start marching up the street. “You’re right. Let’s forget about him. I want some food.”
***
We’re back on the train by mid-afternoon. I’ve decided to make a stop at Maroochydore before I go home.
At Nambour, Kelsey and I hug and go our separate ways. She heads off to find a bus stop to Shell Beach, while I locate one for Maroochydore.
I do a double-take when I see Ed already lined up in the queue for mine. He must have caught the same train.
“I promise I’m not stalking you,” I joke as I stand behind him.
He half turns and looks at me. “Ha. Funny.”
It doesn’t sound like he thinks it’s funny.
I watch as he gets out a CD Discman from his backpack. I can’t help myself. “What are you listening to?”
“Oh, just some Guns n Roses.” He then deliberately turns away and shoves a pair of headphones over his ears.
Okay. This is definitely all wrong. Firstly, Ed has never ever played Guns n Roses at home. In fact, when I played anything remotely close to rock, he used to complain. Secondly, why is he being so rude? Right now, he’s in a happy relationship and his mum is still alive. He should have no excuse to act like this.
I’m starting to wonder if the quiet, introverted Ed I loved was actually a selfish bastard all along. I could have mistook what was actually not caring for thoughtfulness.
We get on the bus and I sit as far away from him as possible, which happens to be the front. I don’t want him thinking I’m trying to impress him. Believe me, that is now the last thing on my mind.
When we get to Maroochydore, I climb off without looking back. I stomp down the road, still fuming over Ed’s behaviour, both in the past and future.
I’m so busy formulating insults in my head I should have delivered earlier that I don’t notice when I almost crash straight into someone on the path.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” I say, jumping back just in time.
“That’s okay. I didn’t really want that sandwich anyway,” a voice says teasingly.
I look up and my heart starts beating a million miles a minute. Kurt. Of course. Because the universe is definitely fucking with me now.
“You.”
He crinkles his eyebrows. “Yes, it’s me. Ta-da?”
I quickly shake my head, remembering he doesn’t know who I am.
“I mean, sorry. Did you say something about a sandwich?”
He holds up a paper bag that I only just noticed was wedged under his arm. “I squished it when I thought we were going to collide.”
“Oh. Can I buy you another one?” I start rummaging around in my purse for some cash.
He gently places a hand on my arm and the warmth seeps into my skin, making its way throughout my whole body. “Don’t be silly. A little flat food never hurt anyone. But if you’re not doing anything, you could come and hang out with me while I eat? Make it up to me with witty conversation?”
I’m torn. I could really use a friendly face after what happened with Ed just now, but I already had plans before he came along.
“Uh, I kind of have to be somewhere before five. But maybe later?”
He beams and holds out a hand for me to shake. “Deal.”
“Do you always confirm social plans with a handshake?” I laugh, taking it.
“No, but I am with you.”
I look down as Kurt entwines his fingers with mine. Normally I would find an interaction like this with an apparent stranger a little creepy, but it works. It really does feel like he knows me as well as I know him. He gives my hand a gentle squeeze and then pulls away. “I live just down the road. Do you want to call me when you’re done with your plans and we can go grab some dinner or something?”
“Again, I need to ask. Do you do this kind of thing with everyone?”
“Only with pretty girls who I feel I’ve met before.”
“I really hope that isn’t a line. Because it’s terrible.”
His face goes serious for a moment. “I promise it wasn’t a line.”
“Okay.” I get out my mobile phone and open up the contacts. “What’s your number?”
He takes my phone off me and types into it. “Here,” he says, handing it back. He then looks stricken.
“What?” I ask.
“I don’t even know your name.”
“Anna. And you’re Kurt.” I point to his music store name badge before he can question how I know.
“Well, I’ll be waiting for your call, Anna.”
I walk away, smiling again, thanks to this beautiful man who reminds me that life isn’t all sadness and secrets.
***
It’s already 4pm when I arrive at the retirement village, and I’m warned by the staff that I’ll have to leave soon. Hopefully that will be enough time to have a proper chat. But maybe not that much time to see Kurt afterwards.
It’s nice to visit Grandma Millie on my own. I didn’t do that nearly enough when she was actually alive. I used to just tag along with Mum, even when I was old enough to drive myself.
I find her sitting in an armchair in the corner of the recreation room. There’s a big screen mounted on the wall, but the volume is almost too low to hear.
“Hey, Grandma,” I say, walking over and giving her a peck on the cheek. I manage not to lose it this time.
“Oh, Anna! What a lovely surprise! What brings you here on the weekend?”
“I just wanted to see you. Find out how you’ve been.”
She smiles. “I’m the same as always.”
“And you’re feeling well?”
She laughs. “As well as can be expected for someone stuck in a retirement home at age eighty.”
I settle myself into a nearby chair. I’ve never talked to her about getting old before. Our family doesn’t really discuss stuff like that.
“Are you scared of death?” I blurt out.
She looks at me, surprised. “No, dear. But what brought this on?”
“I’ve just been questioning life a lot lately and trying to figure out what the point is.”
She looks thoughtful for a second. “You know, I don’t think there actually is a point. You need to make your own meaning and do what makes you content. I think being happy is overrated, but if you’re content or doing something that gives you purpose, then you won’t be upset when you’re my age.”
“Do you have any regrets?”
She shakes her head adamantly. “Not a single one. Sure, I did some stupid things when I was younger, but nothing that had any lasting ill effects. I see everything as a learning opportunity—even mistakes and getting old.” She levels her gaze at me. “You’re a bit young to be having regrets.”
If only she knew.
“I wish I didn’t have any regrets, but I committed to something I think maybe I shouldn’t have.”
I’ve been mulling over the fact that I might have been deceiving myself for quite some time…hung up on a concept of what the perfect life was. I had my fancy blogging job and the amazing-on-paper husband who cared for me, but he didn’t love me. There was no passion. How I managed to live through all those years without admitting that to myself just shows how deep in denial I was.
“Honey, you’re sixteen. You have your whole life ahead of you. Learn from this and do better next time. And even if you were my age, there’s still time to change.” She leans forward and whispers in my ear. “Do yo
u know I’ve started a little flirtation with the man across the hall?”
I try to hide my shock, but don’t do a very good job of it. “Really?”
“Yep. He’s a lovely gentleman called Noel. His wife died over thirty years ago and he never met anyone else.”
“So what does this…relationship entail?” I ask, trying to wrap my head around what she’s saying.
She seems to know what I’m thinking and waves a dismissive hand at me.
“No, nothing like that!” she laughs. “His heart couldn’t take it! It’s all very harmless. But we connect on a level that I haven’t been able to do with anyone else for a long time.”
“What about Grandad?”
“Well, that was a long time ago now too. And we definitely had some great conversations, but there’s something about Noel. I feel as if we’ve always known each other. There are topics I would never have dreamed of raising with your grandfather. I was always quite interested in meditation, but if I ever brought up the topic, he would shake his head and tell me it was a bunch of hippie crap. But Noel and I often talk about it and how we incorporate active presence into our day-to-day existence. He even introduced me to some interesting Buddhist philosophy.”
I beam. My grandmother would have fit right in with the mindfulness movement in the future. “That’s so great, Grandma. I’ve always loved visiting you, but today is my favourite afternoon of all.”
“You’re a smart girl. You’ll figure it all out. And don’t forget that there isn’t just one person who can make you feel alive. I think the statistics are much kinder than that. So don’t be miserable your whole life and think you’re stuck, or not going to find a better situation down the track, because you will. And every time you doubt it, think of me and Noel.”
I chuckle, already picturing them sitting on the two-seater couch, holding hands and quietly enjoying each other’s company.
“Thanks, Grandma. This conversation was exactly what I needed today.”
“Anytime, dear. Anytime.”
I think about the fact that I can’t visit her in my older body and start to tear up. “You don’t realise how much influence you have on my life.”
She reaches out and pats my hand. “That’s a lovely thing to say.”
1996 (90s Flashback Series) Page 14