“And you’re going back tomorrow?” I check.
“That’s the plan. You?”
“Yeah, I’ll probably head home then too. But we’ll see.”
“What’s the ambulance chaser up to?”
“I wish you wouldn’t call him that. He’s far from an ambulance chaser, for a start. But to answer your question, he’s working.”
“He works a lot, doesn’t he?” She does air quotes when she says the word work.
“Yes, and your point is?” I snap. She’s either implying he’s having an affair or can’t stand the sight of me, both which I take offence to. It doesn’t matter that the first thing is almost true.
“Sorry. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”
“Um, so you’d be totally fine with me suggesting your boyfriend was cheating on you?” I challenge.
“Whoa. Who said anything about cheating?”
“You know exactly what you were implying.”
She walks off in a huff. “I don’t have time for this shit.”
“Fine. Walk away, then.”
I stay in the bedroom and watch her leave. We couldn’t even go two minutes without having an argument. I know a lot of siblings disagree, but I feel like Amy makes things particularly difficult.
The only remotely civil conversations we’ve had in recent times were when I was back in 1996. I wonder if I made a mistake coming up here. Maybe I should have just stayed home and visited the younger version of my family instead.
It gets me wondering…I’d kind of written off anything that happens in 1996 as pointless because they’re standalone moments and no one in my current reality knows they even existed, but they’re just as real to me as all my other memories, so why shouldn’t they be treasured as well?
Once it’s happened, everything is just memories, and we all have different interpretations of them.
I’m not sure if that makes reality feel less concrete, or 1996’s events more so.
I head into Mum and Dad’s bedroom, where Mum is propped up against a bunch of pillows, reading a book. She looks up as I enter. “Amy giving you a hard time again?”
I can’t help it. I run over and lie down beside her before bursting into tears. “Yes. And I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve it. She’s always such a bitch to me.”
Mum strokes my hair and makes soothing noises. “I’m sorry, honey. I think you two are just so different, it’s hard to find middle ground. And Amy does have a way of speaking without a filter.”
“Well, she should learn how to develop one. I’m surprised she has any friends at all if she talks to them the same way she talks to me.”
“I know, sweetie. But you might want to go easy on her. She’s had a bit of a tough time lately.”
More than going through a marriage break-up? I think cynically. But of course, my family doesn’t know about that yet.
“What? She broke a fingernail and couldn’t get an appointment at her preferred salon?”
“Actually, she had a miscarriage.”
I gape. “Really? How? I didn’t even know she was seeing anyone.”
“She hasn’t fully opened up to us yet, so I don’t know all the details. Maybe don’t tell her you know. She’ll explain in her own time.”
I can’t believe Amy had a miscarriage. My heart goes out to her.
“I might see if she wants to go to the beach or something.”
“Okay. But remember, let her set the pace.”
“I will.”
I go into the living room and find Amy lying on the couch, staring out the window.
“What do you want?” she grumbles.
“I was thinking of heading down the beach. Do you want to come?”
“Not really.”
“But it’s such beautiful day. Come on. It’s probably too cold to go in the water, but we can lie in the sun?”
She drags herself off the couch. “Fine. As long as it means you’ll stop bugging me.”
Wow. She really makes it difficult to be nice to her.
“Okay. I’ll drive. I’ll see you at the car in a few minutes.”
She nods.
It would be so easy to escape to 1996 right now, but I know I need to work on a few things here.
I can’t live in the past forever.
TWENTY-ONE
I haven’t been back to Main Street since my last visit to 1996, so it takes a moment for me to readjust again. This is really messing with my head.
Amy was quiet the whole drive. It’s much harder to find a place to park now than it was in the nineties, and I end up having to pay for a spot in an undercover garage.
We tramp along the path and down onto the sand. There aren’t that many people in the water, but there are quite a few lying on the beach.
Amy and I find a spot and lay out our towels. I slather my skin with 30+. Amy rolls her eyes.
“You were always such a square.”
“I’m sorry if that offends you.”
“It’s just difficult to live up to the example set by the golden child.”
“I was not the golden child. For the record, you got away with a lot more than I did.”
“That’s not what I mean. It’s like Mum and Dad gave up on me.”
“They didn’t! And you’ve probably forgotten, but they tried to talk me out of going to Paris about a million times. Remember?”
“I haven’t forgotten, but they were probably like that because they knew you could be anything you wanted. And then when you did amazing with cooking, they accepted it and started bragging about it to all their friends.”
“Well, they definitely don’t admire what I do now. You should have heard Mum last night lamenting me quitting my last ‘proper’ job to ‘play on the internet’.”
Amy snorts. “Sorry. I don’t mean to laugh, but that’s kind of funny.”
“And they’re going to be even more disappointed when they find out my husband left me to go back to his high school sweetheart.”
Amy’s mouth drops open. “He fucking what?”
I can’t really explain anything in detail, so I shrug. “Apparently I was always his back-up.”
My sister looks outraged on my behalf, which I actually find quite sweet.
“You know what? I never thought he was right for you.”
I’m about to argue when she cuts me off. “I mean, I always thought you were too good for him. I hated that arrogant, distant attitude he had.”
“Probably because he was thinking about her the whole time,” I say gloomily.
“So when did this all happen?”
“Just in the last few weeks.”
“And what? It’s all over now? You’re getting a divorce?”
“Probably.”
She shakes her head. “That’s shit.” She focuses on me. “You can do so much better. I promise.”
“Why are you being nice all of a sudden?”
She doesn’t say anything for a moment. I watch her face and it seems to reflect a sense of regret. But maybe I’m just reading too much into it.
“Well, I never hated you or anything. As I said, it’s just been hard to live up to the expectations you set. But now I see you’ve had it just as hard.”
“Are you dating anyone?” I ask lightly.
“Not anymore.” She traces a pattern in the sand. “Did Mum tell you what happened?”
“She hinted at it,” I say, not wanting to admit how much I know.
She sighs. “So basically we were in love, I got pregnant, I lost the baby at fifteen weeks and now we can’t stand the sight of each other.”
I rub her arm. “I’m so sorry.”
“It is what it is.”
We both look out at the ocean as the waves break gently on the sand.
“How come you never had kids?” she asks.
“I never wanted them,” I say automatically.
“See, I’m not sure I believe that. You always talked about having children when
you were younger. It wasn’t until you married Ed that he brainwashed you into believing you didn’t want them either.”
“I don’t know if that’s true, but the thought has crossed my mind recently.”
“If Ed called you right now and said he’d made a huge mistake and wanted to start a family, what would you say?”
“I’d say no,” I reply firmly. “But only because I don’t think I could go back to Ed, regardless of what he said.”
“So you’d consider them with someone else?”
Kurt’s face flashes across my mind. No. Just, no.
“I don’t know. I’m not sure of anything anymore.”
“Well, I hope you meet someone else and manage to have children if that’s what you want. You know Brigitte Nielsen had a baby at fifty-four?”
“I’m not even forty, so I won’t worry too much about my biological clock just yet.”
She’s quiet again for a moment, smoothing out the pattern she’d drawn.
“Sorry I was a bitch to you,” she says finally.
“That’s okay. Sorry I didn’t understand where you were coming from.”
“Families can be complicated, huh?”
“Yup. So are you looking for a new partner?”
“I’m taking a break. You?”
“Yeah. I’m taking a break too.”
Amy rubs her hands together to brush off the sand. “You want to get some gelato?”
“Actually, that sounds great.”
We leave our towels on the beach and head up to the same gelato shop we’ve been visiting since we were kids.
It’s nice that some things never change.
***
The rest of the day is low key. Amy and I head home after lying in the sun for another hour—and while we don’t spend any more time hanging out, when we do pass each other in the hall, it feels relaxed and friendly. Probably more than any other time in our lives.
In the evening while everyone else is watching TV, I lock myself in the guest room and get out my phone. I need to find out where Ed’s at, and it’s clear he’s not going to make the first move. Again. It’s been a week since I mentioned we should see lawyers, and while I haven’t been able to bring myself to do that yet, I know I’ll have to soon.
I shakily dial his number. I don’t know why I’m so nervous.
He answers on the first ring. “Hi, Anna?”
“Hey.”
“How are you?”
“Good. Can you talk for a minute? You’re not working or anything?”
“No, no. I’ve actually taken a couple of weeks off.”
“Oh. Nice.” I suddenly feel a little put out. Ed never took time off unless it was scheduled months in advance and dedicated to an official holiday outside of Brisbane.
“How have you been?” he asks.
“Um, okay. I’m staying at Mum and Dad’s for the weekend.”
“That sounds relaxing. Say hi to them for me.”
“I will.”
“So, was there anything you wanted to talk about in particular?”
“I guess I just wanted to see if you’d contacted a lawyer or anything…”
“Actually, I did. I called one on Monday and I met with him on Wednesday. He seems to think everything will be straightforward if we split our assets down the middle.”
I blink. He certainly moved fast. “Great.”
“You’re happy to sell the house?”
I wouldn’t exactly say happy…
“Yeah, that’s fine. You want me to call an agent?”
“No need. I know a guy who can sort it for us.”
“Oh. Cool.”
“He can have the photographer out next week and then put up a listing by Friday.”
“That soon?”
“He’s very efficient.”
“It sounds it.”
I hear a muffled voice in the background.
“Just a second,” Ed calls out.
“Do you have to go?” I ask.
“In a minute. So we’re all good here?”
Is he serious? That’s it? Damn it. I can’t act like this is purely a business transaction.
“You know what, Ed? No, we’re not all good. I know I put this whole thing in motion, but you’ve just run with it and given almost no regard to my feelings. I’m trying really fucking hard to be mature about it, but it’s not easy to just switch off the feelings I’ve had for you since I was twenty-two. And I’m starting to think those feelings were never reciprocated, or you wouldn’t have been able to move on so easily!”
I feel tears rolling down my cheeks. Ed doesn’t say anything at first.
“Right,” he says after almost a minute. “What do you want me to do?”
“Agh! You’re so infuriating! I can’t bloody tell you what to do. Just be a fucking empathetic human! Or better yet, think about how you’d react if Maddie was upset. Would you stay silent? Or would you actually use some common decency to try and make her feel better?”
I don’t wait for a reply. “I can’t do this.” I hang up the phone and burst into noisy sobs.
If I had any lingering doubts about ending my marriage before that conversation, they are certainly gone now.
TWENTY-TWO
I sleep badly again, and when I finally get out of bed, a feeling of uneasiness settles over me. I know I was probably a bit harsh on Ed last night, but he was so frustrating. Amy was right. He did always have that distant, arrogant attitude. Like he was above everyone and everything. Including his wife.
Amy heads out early to catch up with an old friend, so I laze around the house for a couple of hours before going for a walk in the national park. At least the weather has been in my favour, with blue sky and sun both days.
I drive down past Main Street and around the point, parking at the edge of the walking path.
I never appreciated this place enough when I lived here. This park is beautiful, with glimpses of the ocean through the pandanus palms at every turn, and the turquoise water changing to ink as you get further away from the bay.
The path is a little crowded, but I shut everyone else out. I spot a couple of whales out near the horizon and the sight momentarily halts the cycle of self-pity running around in my brain.
I find a good vantage point and sit near the edge of a cliff to watch them better.
Damn it. My life is a mess. I no longer feel like I belong in my own time, but I certainly don't belong in 1996 either. Especially when there’s no continuity.
I don’t know if it’s just my mood, but apart from the obvious issue of my marriage, I’m finding the rest of reality more and more unsatisfactory too. There are so many things I hate about modern life. The way everyone lives on their phones, checking Facebook and uploading their entire existence to Instagram. The way there is no mystery as to the workings of someone's brain…you can read it all online. I don't think I would have been friends with half the people I knew in the nineties if I had known their true thoughts.
I look down at the phone in my hands, tempted to hurl it off the cliff in front of me. But instead, I sigh and become a hypocrite, searching for distraction online.
I idly scroll through Facebook and read everyone’s feeds. I haven’t posted in ages, because I don’t have anything positive to say, and I’ve never been one for airing my dirty laundry online.
I hit the search button by accident and see Kelsey’s name from last time. I click on her profile and again see her smiling face.
Screw it. I’m contacting her.
Hey, you. I know this might seem out of the blue, but I just wanted to say hi. I know we parted on bad terms, but I want to apologise for how everything went down all those years ago. I was mad because you didn’t believe me when I said I didn’t sleep with that guy you were dating, but I’ve missed you so much. I want to resolve this. Can we talk?
A little notification appears to show she’s already seen my message. Wow. I kind of wasn’t expecting that. I watch as the little dialogue bub
bles appear while she replies. I sit there anxiously, waiting to see how she’ll respond. I hope she doesn’t swear at me. I don’t know if I could take it with my current state of mind. Actually, I don’t know what I was thinking, contacting her without being properly mentally prepared. I almost switch off the phone, but a message comes through.
I’ve missed you too. I know you didn’t sleep with Chad. Rachel told me a couple of years later when I saw her. But by then, I thought it was too late and I was scared to get in touch. How are you?
Happy tears well in my eyes.
Me: I’m all right. Better now that I know you’re not mad anymore.
Kelsey: Where are you?
Me: Staying at Mum and Dad’s place in Shell Beach.
Kelsey: Really? I’m back at Mum’s too! Are you telling me you’re only ten minutes away?
Me: Yes! I didn’t know you were back in town!
Kelsey: Long story, but I can explain if you have time. You want to meet at Beans?
Me: Sure. When?
Kelsey: Now?
Me: haha – OK. I’ll see you in 15 minutes!
I love that Kelsey wants us to meet at Beans. It just seems fitting.
I jog all the way back along the path to my car. I wish I had time to change and clean up my face a little, but I’m sure Kelsey will understand I look crap for a reason. And if she’s back at her mum’s house, there’s a chance she won’t be looking her best either.
I reach Beans right on time and see Kelsey right away. She’s wearing a pair of black skinny jeans and a paisley top. She has her face buried in her phone, but as soon as she sees me, she jumps up and runs over for a hug.
“Anna!”
“Hey.”
She holds me at arm’s length and inspects my face. “You look just as pretty as when I last saw you.”
“Aw, thanks. That’s saying a lot, considering how bad I’m feeling right now.”
“Ugh, don’t worry. Look at this,” she says, indicating her own face. She actually looks really good. Much better than me at the moment. Her hair has been freshly coloured and styled, and her face is made up subtly with some bronzer on her cheeks and a pale pink lip gloss.
“You look great. Have you ordered anything yet?”
“No, I was waiting for you. But I’m actually kind of hungry. Are you ready for lunch?”
1996 (90s Flashback Series) Page 16