I swallowed, the words slicing through me like a knife.
“And they don’t think you’ve internalized all the grieving emotions you needed to. You haven’t moved on, Alex. You’re stuck in a self-loathing mentality that’s breaking you down mentally and emotionally, and you either don’t see it or won’t accept it.”
“How am I supposed to accept it?” I said, staring at her. “How do I go back to normal when my life is everything but normal?”
“You take it day by day and do the best you can.”
“And what about everyone else?” I said. “You want me to move on? Okay. Tell me how I do that when the decision I made destroyed a family. My decision ruined people’s lives. I can’t just swallow the guilt and move on. I can’t take it day by day. I can’t take it at all! You want me to grieve and get over it but you don’t understand. No one understands.”
I stood, cramming my hands in my pockets. Sitting was like keeping myself under a current, like trying to breathe while a riptide held me under.
“You’re fleeing,” Madeline said, standing too. “Stay here and talk about this with me.”
“I don’t have to.”
I exited beneath the gazebo’s low-slung rafters, taking a deep breath as midmorning heat hit my cheeks. The grass, still drying from the morning dew, clung to my bare legs as I walked toward my cabin.
I spotted Grant along the way, hauling a set of floats from the storage shed beside the camp office. In this world of complicated choices, where one wrong decision could affect so much, someone’s decision to drink and drive left him fatherless. Forever changed. Scarred.
And I was the reverse. The guilty. The villain for letting someone too intoxicated to think get behind the wheel.
The minute he knew, he would look at me differently. The minute he knew, he would want someone else.
* * *
Later that afternoon, after a long duty shift at arts and crafts failed to get my mind off every terrible thought spiraling through it, I bypassed the mess hall and headed straight for the junction. As the only food provider aside from the mess hall, campers flocked to The Hut from one to five. Kira sat behind the glass window, grinning as I neared.
“If this is where you tell me you’re here to save me from an impossibly boring second shift, I will literally cry tears of joy,” she said.
I leaned against the building’s side paneling, eyeing the crowd. “I don’t think I have the patience to handle this many people,” I said, shaking my head. “But I would be happy to keep you company.”
“The door is in the back,” she said.
I walked the rest of the way around the building and found the small metal doorknob at the back. Inside, popcorn popped in the cooker. The smell of butter was strong, but not as strong as the smell of hot dogs spinning to my right. Gross.
“I couldn’t last more than an hour in here,” I said, scrunching my nose. “Could be the smell of processed mystery meat. I don’t know.”
“Trust me, if I could’ve smooth talked my way out of doing this I would’ve. Better yet, I should’ve made Grant do it. He owes me for covering for y’all last night.”
My stomach did a somersault. I was trying to escape Grant. Or, at least, trying to escape the guilt and anxiety that came with him.
“How did it go, anyway?” she said. “Haven’t seen either of you that much today.”
“I tried to stop by after breakfast but was forced to do something else instead,” I said.
“Well, we had an issue with the guys’ side and Linc ended up needing me to cover his yoga session so I wouldn’t have been there anyway. I swear, watching those kids try to do yoga was hilarious but annoying. There was more complaining than anything. They would’ve rather been swimming. Can’t say I blame them.”
I took a seat on the stool beside her. Her brown eyes wore dark bags beneath them. I probably looked the same, except mine were from a lack of sleep and too many thoughts flooding my mind.
“Sooo, how was the date?” Kira said. “Awesome? Fantastic? The best first date in the history of mankind?”
“We got Starbucks and went geocaching.”
“Sounds fun.”
“Yeah,” I said.
Kira paused, eyeing me as she took a punch card from a kid outside The Hut. Clearly the lack of enthusiasm in the answer wasn’t what she expected to hear.
I shifted beneath her scrutinizing stare. “I had a good time,” I said.
“Because you sound like you had a good time,” she said, standing from her stool. “Girl, I know an issue when I see it. Spill it. Was he not what you expected him to be?”
“Grant was fine,” I said, shaking my head.
“Then what’s the problem here? Lack of chemistry outside of camp? Boring conversations? His crappy sense of humor?”
“I like his humor.”
“But you don’t like him?”
“I do.”
I took the punch card from the next kid, making a concerted effort to look anywhere but at Kira, who was burning holes in my profile.
“I’m the one on duty shift,” she said, bringing a Dr Pepper to the window. “And you’re doing a terrible job answering questions. What’s the deal? Judgment-free zone. Talk all you want.”
“I came here for a distraction. Not another round of therapy.”
“Let’s be clear. I’m nothing like Madeline. Who, since you brought it up, shouldn’t be seeing you anyway.”
Halfway through opening the rancid hot-dog spinner, I froze.
“Not that it’s my business,” Kira said, holding up a hand. “I’m just saying, people noticed the pair of you having your conversations in the gazebo. Theories are going round. Some think it has to do with that cop-car thing the campers were talking about, but I think it’s Loraine trying to butt into your business.”
“Definitely the second,” I said, irritation sparking at the mention of what was supposed to be a confidential conversation between me and my girls.
“And I’d really appreciate it if everyone would quit talking about the cop-car thing,” I said. “I told my campers about that because I thought it would help them see me as something other than a counselor, but clearly I was wrong in trusting them not to open their mouths. Geez. I thought Grant squashed it.”
“He might have in his cabin,” Kira said. “But he can’t control everybody. His family doesn’t have that much control.”
“Yeah, he told me about his family,” I said, sucking in a breath. “Including the part about his mom being the governor, which everybody failed to mention to me.”
“Does it really make a difference?”
“It does when you’ve already got enough on your plate,” I said. I grabbed a bun and crammed a hot dog in it. “I mean, it would’ve at least been nice to know. It kind of complicates things, considering I’m clearly a delinquent and his mom is apparently the perfection of the law. At least I’m assuming. If she wasn’t, she wouldn’t be the governor.”
“I don’t know. In today’s world, all sorts of people get elected to things they may or may not be qualified to do. Regardless, it’s not like Grant hasn’t screwed up a time or two. He went off the deep end after his dad died. Theft. Burglary. Controlled-substance charges. He was a totally different person when he came out here and now he’s Grant.”
Theft. Burglary. Controlled substances.
What else didn’t I know about him?
“The point is, people change,” Kira said. “His mom can sit there and judge you all she wants, but people mess up. That’s life.”
“People don’t just mess up,” I said. “They make choices that are selfish. His dad died in a wreck that could’ve been prevented. If someone would’ve taken two seconds and just—”
A knot formed in the base of my throat, killing the sentence with emotion I was fighting to bury.
If someone would’ve just taken the keys, I wanted to say, but my guilt was already swallowing me. I hadn’t done that. How could I pass judg
ment on someone else for the same crime?
I swallowed thickly and took a staggered breath as I finished the hot dog and carried it to the window. The camper outside, with her brown eyes and hair the same shade of red as Nikki’s, crumbled my resolve.
Tears burned my eyes. This was the beginning of the end. Either I could kill the emotions, or they would kill me. That’s how I survived. That’s how I always survived.
“I can’t,” I said.
I bypassed Kira, opening the door to a staggering afternoon heat that did nothing to warm the chill in my bones. Thinking I was capable of an actual relationship was the first mistake. Everyone I loved always left. Grant would be just another name to add to the list. Not that I blamed him. He deserved more. So much more.
Emotions piled with each passing step, curling my stomach and winding dread through every inch of me. Minutes later, I exited the line of trees. A diving board sounded behind the pool’s large concrete wall. Voices echoed from inside, ricocheting off the walls with splashes of water between their words.
This wasn’t the right place, and it wasn’t the right time, but it had to happen. I had to squash everything before either of us was in too deep to get out. It was the only thing I could do.
Through the pool’s opening, the crowd of campers gathered in the water was thicker than the voices would imply. They dripped water across the concrete, padding barefoot to and around large folding chairs on either side of the pool. Brie was lounging on one of them, her position the same one as the day she and Jess skipped yoga.
She didn’t even look my way. With her eyes closed and her hands by her side, she drank in the sunlight a mere three feet from where Grant sat atop his perch.
He glanced my way, his eyes hidden by a pair of aviator sunglasses. The smile on his face, full of excitement and deepening the single dimple in his right cheek, made my anxiety flare. He was so handsome. So charming. Out of my league in too many ways, but gorgeous just the same.
And he had no idea of the complications one simple statement could bring.
“Hey,” he said, climbing off the perch. “Didn’t expect to see you here, but I can’t say I’m mad about it. You swimming?”
I shook my head, glancing at the group of campers splashing their way through the afternoon. “No, I finished my shift at arts and crafts and thought I would visit with Kira for a little bit.”
“Gotcha,” he said. “I think she’s in the hut. She doesn’t come out here unless she has to. Most of the time Linc does it for her instead.”
“Except for today.”
“Except for today,” Grant said. “Since I stupidly agreed to cover his shift in exchange for our date. You were totally worth it, but I’m roasting out here. It’s like no matter how much sunblock I put on, the sun keeps getting hotter and hotter and—”
“It’s not the sun,” Brie mumbled. “It’s you. All you.”
“Oh, and I’m also dealing with that one,” Grant said, putting his hands on either side of his hips. “I think she enjoys making me uncomfortable.”
“You mean that’s possible?” I said, staring at him. “I thought you had a three-second rebound rate. You could throw anything out there and all it would do is bounce back with a vengeance.”
“That’s called wit,” he said. “Which I also have a ton of.”
“Humble.”
“The humblest,” he said. He shifted the weight on his feet. “I haven’t seen you much today. You been hiding?”
“Figured I would spare both of us the awkward morning-after conversation, where we either pretend like the date didn’t happen or beat around the bush until someone brings it up,” I said. “I’m never good with that kind of stuff.”
“Same,” he said. “I know I come across as someone who might know what they’re doing when it comes to this kind of thing, but I know nothing. I’m an awkward duck in an appealing package.”
His hand moved to the brim of his hat, adjusting it slightly. “But, since neither of us is hiding, and we’re already on the topic, I had a good time with you last night. Outside of you losing the 8 Ball from the Hobby Lobby geocache.”
“In my defense, it was tiny, and I didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to take it,” I said. “I thought everyone got their own little trinket. That’s how you described it.”
“No, I said we could take one thing out of the geocache. I didn’t mean you and me individually.”
“You should’ve specified.”
“Or you should’ve read between the lines.”
“Or you should’ve known me well enough to know I need step-by-step directions if you want me to do anything remotely related to following the rules,” I said.
He pointed at me, his mouth ajar.
“And you know I’m right, which is why you have zero comeback lines,” I said, crossing my arms.
He shook his head, lowering his hand so it grazed mine. Warmth flooded my cheeks. The reason for me coming here in the first place was to end everything going on between us, but how could I when being around him was so easy?
“8 Ball aside, I had a good time with you,” he said. “Unless you’re about to serve me a shot of reality, I’m pretty sure you did too. But who knows? You aren’t known for your tact.”
“Tact? What’s that?”
“It’s a trait some people have, where they don’t spit out the first thing on their mind. Instead, they stop to consider the other person’s feelings. Or so I’ve heard. Never tried it.”
“You two done flirting over there?” Brie said behind us, her voice annoying as nails on a chalkboard.
“Nope,” I said.
She let out a long sigh and sat up, scowling as she opened both eyes. “Well, then do me a favor and at least consider your campers the next time you two go on an adventure. I mean, I was stuck in that boring cabin while you two were geocaching. What is life?”
“Tough,” Grant said, staring at her.
“Tougher when she gets assigned to scrub our toilets during tomorrow morning’s chore time,” I said.
“Ugh. Whatever,” Brie said, rolling her eyes. She closed them again, returning to her former position on the folding chair.
Grant stared at her a moment, scowling as he returned his attention to me. “I know I said all campers need someone to relate to, but geez. How do you tolerate that one? She annoys me and I’m used to it.”
“Meh, she’s not that bad when she’s got Jess around to keep her in check.”
“Um, I keep Jess in check,” Brie said.
“Anyway,” Grant said, ignoring her. “So you and me are good? No weirdness? No deciding you’re really not into me?”
“I mean, I was never into you. You just kind of annoyed me until I had to pay attention to you,” I said.
“Same,” Grant said, grinning. “We’ll just continue annoying the crap out of each other until we either can’t stand one another or we can’t stand to be without the other. Which ought to be fun either way.”
And complicated.
“Oh!” he said, snapping his fingers. “That reminds me! I have this top-secret assignment I was hoping to hit you up on. If the thought of being around me more than you have to be doesn’t seem like something that would make you want to get lost in the woods again.”
“I wasn’t lost. I was just looking for my way out,” I said.
“You were sitting on the ground, pouting.”
“Tomato. To-mah-to. What’s the assignment? Let’s focus on that.”
“Camper talent show,” he said. “The midsession event that sends all the campers scouring for hidden talents. Everyone wants to participate, but only the strong survive.”
“So they battle to the death?”
“What kind of organizer do you think I am? Clearly they go three rounds.”
I quirked an eyebrow.
“Three rounds of auditions,” he said. “We start off with a big net, narrow it down to fifteen, then narrow it down to ten. The counselors also organize a skit, a
nd most of the camp admin staff does something too. We’d be in charge of narrowing the list.”
“You mean I get to be Simon Cowell for a day?” I said.
“Yeah, and when you’re not crushing the hopes and dreams of people auditioning, you get to spend time with me. It’s a win-win.”
“Alone time?”
“You think I’d offer this side job to just anyone?” he said, putting his hand in front of his heart. “No. This is an Alex kind of job. No other counselor could hack it.”
While the camper talent show seemed far from fun, spending unchaperoned time with Grant was hard to turn down. Then again, I should turn it down. Finding more time with him was just another way to dig a deeper hole for myself.
I was already in too deep.
“You know, I think I’m actually going to sit this out,” I said, stepping backward. “Thanks for the offer though.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Grant said, keeping a hold on my hand. “What happened in the last two seconds that sent you from serious contemplation to no not interested? I feel like I missed something.”
“It’s too vanilla for me.”
“Too vanilla? Do you think I do vanilla?”
I surveyed him, the smile in his face dying as seconds ticked by.
“I’ve adjusted to this whole counselor thing, but I’m just not interested in helping with a talent show,” I said. “Even if you’re included.”
Despite his eyes being covered by the aviators, Grant’s furrowed brow and slightly pursed lips told me enough of what he was thinking. He was either annoyed, confused, or both.
“But I appreciate the offer,” I said.
“Right. Okay.” He cleared his throat, taking a step backward. “Noted.”
I pushed a piece of hair behind my ear and stared at the pool for the millionth time, because pretending to watch the campers was way easier than facing him straight on.
“I think I’m going to get back on my perch now, where the sting of rejection is easier to deal with.”
“I’m not rejecting you,” I said, an unmistakable tension forming between us. “I’m rejecting the talent show.”
Last Chance Summer Page 17