by Ivy Smoak
I swallowed hard. “Matt stole my first kiss. I didn’t give it to him.”
Felix shook his head. “Were you seeing him that whole time? Or just after you told me you wanted to be friends until you were ready for more?”
“Felix…”
“I’m just your backup plan.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I feel like a fucking idiot.”
“Felix, that’s not…”
“Then how else would you put it?”
“That I really like you. And I’m confused.”
“A few minutes ago you looked me right in the eyes and told me that you loved me. So that I’d keep crawling back to you like an idiot. You’re not confused, newb. You played me.”
“Felix, please…” I reached out to him, but he sidestepped my hands and walked away without another word.
I looked at the broken table and the drops of blood on the plush carpet. What the hell had I just done? I didn’t realize there were tears streaming down my face until I tasted the salt on my lips.
“Brooklyn.” Matt’s voice was gentler than it should have been. Wasn’t he going to tell me I was a terrible person and run off too? But he didn’t run. He just stared at me with so much concern on his stupid perfect features.
“Matt.” My Matt. The one that held me while I cried every night after my uncle died. The one who took me to his favorite spot in NYC so I wouldn’t feel like I didn’t have a family. The one that got down on one knee to ask me to be his girlfriend, just to make me smile. I took a deep breath. The one who did nothing when Isabella poured milk on me. The one who let his best friend believe he was keeping me a secret because I was poor. The one that made me lie and sneak around and hurt the people that I loved. “I don’t have anything left to say to you.”
“Well, tough luck. Because I have a lot to say to you.”
God, he was exasperating. “Matt, I told you that I couldn’t date you because my heart couldn’t take it. I told you that. And you kept pushing it anyway. So I gave it to you and…” I couldn’t keep going. “I trusted you. And I feel…nothing. I’m not even sad anymore. I can’t feel anything. I’m numb.”
“That’s the drugs,” he said.
“No, it’s you.”
“Brooklyn…”
“You just sat there and watched at lunch. All those terrible things Isabella said to me and you did nothing. Your friends actually stood up for me. But you…you were silent. I get that you didn’t want Isabella to know we were dating. But even strangers can be kind. And I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t.”
I walked away from him without looking back. But I was very aware of his footsteps following me.
Chapter 15
Saturday
I ran to the elevator and pressed the button to close the doors. But they stayed open for an agonizingly long time. Come on. I slammed my fist against the button again. I just needed a few minutes alone to clear my head. Come on. I pushed on the button again. Just as the doors started to close, Matt slid into the elevator.
Damn it.
I didn’t say a word as Matt hit the button for the Pruitts’ floor. I tried to focus on the elevator music, but it was hard to pretend Matt wasn’t there. We were alone. When we were alone, we were always kissing or holding hands or I’d be wrapped in his arms. But he didn’t touch me now. And I could feel the distance between us.
“Did you kiss him?” Matt asked.
The elevator music wasn’t loud enough to drown him out. “No.” I shook my head. “I mean, not today. Not recently.”
“Not recently?”
“Not since you left me your varsity jacket.” Even though Matt and I hadn’t made our relationship official that night, that’s when I was all in. That’s why everything he did hurt so freaking much.
“Do you still have feelings for him?”
Why weren’t these doors opening? “Yes.”
His inhale was sharp, like I’d just slapped him. “Why?”
I didn’t want to talk about Felix with him. I didn’t want to talk to him at all. “For starters, he’s not embarrassed to talk to me in public. And he’s always been my friend.”
“Brooklyn…”
“But you have nothing to worry about because he clearly hates me now.” I wasn’t even sure who I was more upset with. Matt or myself. This was the longest elevator ride of my life. Matt would never understand. He had tons of friends. He had a family. Everyone loved him. All I had were Kennedy and Felix. That was it. And now I only had Kennedy.
“That wasn’t my intention.”
“No?” I finally made eye contact with him. “It wasn’t your intention to make him hate me when you were punching him in the face?”
“I hit him because he touched you.”
The elevator doors finally opened with a happy little bell jingle that made me want to scream. “He’s allowed to touch me. You and I broke up!” How many times did I have to tell him this? He was acting like he wasn’t there when I told him it was over. I shoved my way past him.
I saw Miller standing in front of the Pruitts’ door. How did he beat us here? God, I didn’t want to go back inside that haunted prison. I also didn’t want to stand here and listen to Matt. My brain was screaming at me to make a run for it. That was my plan all along…to flee. But I’d messed it all up. No, Matt had. He’d ruined everything. I swallowed down the lump in my throat. He’d ruined me.
Kennedy had told me I needed to be brave. But I wasn’t brave. I took a step back and collided with Matt. His arms encircled me and I immediately felt more comforted. But thinking about how he had that effect on me just made me feel claustrophobic. I didn’t need him. I didn’t need anyone. I slipped out of his embrace and for a second I just stood there. I couldn’t run for my freedom. No matter which way I turned there was someone there to stop me. And right now, anything seemed better than standing next to Matt.
“Please just go home,” I said to him.
“Not until you talk to me.”
God, why couldn’t he just respect my decision? Couldn’t he tell that I could barely think right now? Let alone talk to him. I took a deep breath. It didn’t matter, he wouldn’t have a choice once I told Miller to not let him in. I made my way over to Miller and he opened the door to let me in. I’d feel better once I was in my room. The rest of the apartment was too creepy to comfort me. “Take him off my list,” I said to Miller. I didn’t wait for a response. I hurried through the foyer and up the stairs. But still I heard the footsteps behind me. I wished it was a ghost. I’d take the place being haunted over having Matt alone with me in my room. Or Miller, if he was the one following me. I didn’t want to speak to either of them. I didn’t want to see anyone.
I tried to close the door to my bedroom, but two strong hands stopped it.
“Brooklyn, I just need five minutes.”
Matt. “You’ve had plenty of my minutes. I don’t have any more time to waste on you.” I tried to close the door but he was too strong.
“I’ve never wasted a second with you,” he said.
That was certainly poetic, but it was even more false. He didn’t get it. He’d never understand. “Time is limited, Matt! And every time you don’t have my back, that’s time I can never get back.” I’m running out of time. I pictured my mom unconscious on the kitchen floor. I pictured my uncle coughing at the kitchen table. I’d never have enough time.
He pushed the door open hard, knocking me backward. I fell back and landed on my butt.
“Shit,” he said as he reached down to help me up.
I didn’t need his help. I didn’t need anything from him. I pushed his hands away from me.
“Just let me help you up.” He grabbed my bicep when I wouldn’t let him grab my hand.
I could smell the cinnamon on his breath. And feel his fingers digging into my skin. Suddenly all I could think about was being closer to him. I just wanted to feel something. Anything. I grabbed the front of his t-shirt and pulled him toward me.
His lips collided with mine in a frenzy as I pulled him onto the floor with me. He was pissed. I was furious. And for some reason, for a few heartbeats, this made it better. I was sick of feeling sad and angry and alone. Or worse, nothing at all. I needed this. I needed him.
His fingers slid ever so slightly underneath the bottom of my sweater, the pads of his fingertips warm against my skin. We’d been in this position dozens of times. And it always stopped here. But today I couldn’t bear the thought of stopping. And his hands were higher than usual because my sweater was cropped short. I wanted his hand to slide up higher. I shifted beneath him. No, I wanted his hand to slide lower. So much lower. I needed more. I just needed something to make me feel like I wasn’t drowning. And I knew he had the power to do that. I knew he could make me forget.
I ran my hand down the front of his shirt until I reached the waistline of his jeans. All I could think about was touching him. And him touching me. My fingers fumbled with the button on his jeans.
He grabbed my hands and lifted them above my head, pinning them to the carpet. “Not like this,” he said.
“We can move to the bed…”
“You’re high, Brooklyn.” He was staring at me like I was lost. It didn’t matter if I was. I just wanted him to stop looking at me like that.
“I know what I’m doing,” I said. I tilted my hips and I could feel him pressed against me. I knew that he wanted this too. The evidence was clear enough.
He pushed himself off of me.
This felt like the one thing that would make me feel better. And him denying me? “You’ll sleep with the whole cheerleading team but you won’t sleep with me?” My voice sounded so small. I slid away from him and stood up.
“Who told you that?”
It wasn’t a denial. “Screw you, Matt.” I pulled my sweater back down.
“I didn’t sleep with the whole cheerleading team.”
“Just most of them then?” I thought about Isabella and I felt like I was going to be sick.
“I can’t undo my past. But I told you I’d wait for you now. And I have. I’m not the one letting someone else touch…”
“We broke up!”
“I never agreed to that.”
“You don’t have to agree with it. It still happened. It’s done.”
He just stared at me. “I’m not done with you.”
That’s not how this works! “Let me make this easier for you to comprehend, because clearly you’re struggling. I hate you.” I wasn’t sure I really meant it, but I certainly meant it right then. I freaking hated him for barging in here uninvited. For making me feel unwanted when he’d already been with everyone else. For not listening to me.
He had the audacity to smile. “Tough luck. Because I love you.”
I opened my mouth and then closed it again. What the hell was I supposed to say to that?
He took a step toward me and I didn’t retreat. His words were swirling around in my head and I didn’t know how to process them.
“You really want your first time to be like this?” he said. “With you mad at me?” He put his hand on the side of my face.
Obviously, or I wouldn’t have tried to unbutton your pants. I swallowed down the words. I didn’t want him to remove his hand.
“Do you know how badly I want you all the time? How many times I pictured you saying you were ready for more? But not like this. Not when all you need is for me to be here for you. Not today.” He swiped his thumbs under my eyes to remove the tears I didn’t even realize I shed.
I knew that he thought he loved me. And I could forgive him for a lot of things. I could love him in spite of his flaws. But not this. “If you loved me, you would have stood up for me.”
“We’ve already talked about all of this. Isabella…”
“I know. You did something and Isabella is holding it against you. But you don’t even trust me enough to tell me what it is. Or what she’s threatening.” I removed his hands from my face. “All you said is that it would hurt James, but don’t you see that I’m hurting? All I’ve been doing for the past few months is hurting. And you hurt me, Matt.”
“I’m sorry. But that’s why I’m here. Because I know you’re hurting. I know you need me.”
“If you’re that sorry, you can fix it. Just tell me the truth.”
He pressed his lips together.
His silence was the problem. Didn’t he see that? “Get out.” Maybe I was high, but I was damn sure about this.
“Brooklyn…”
“Get the hell out!”
“You don’t understand. James…”
“He’s one of your best friends. I know. I get that. What I don’t get is why I don’t matter. You make me feel like I’m nothing.”
“Of course you matter. I’m standing here telling you I love you. You mean everything to me.”
“It’s not enough. Love isn’t ignoring someone when they get milk thrown on them during lunch. Love isn’t not acknowledging me in public…”
“You know I can’t. You know what will happen if Isabella tells James...”
“That’s the thing, Matt. I don’t. What will happen to James if you come clean? What secret do you have that will hurt him? What could possibly be worse than this?”
“I can’t…”
“Tell me! What is worse than not being there for your girlfriend when she just lost everything? What is worse than that?”
“Losing him!”
It felt like his words echoed around me. “You’re scared he won’t be your friend anymore? I’m pretty sure friendship has built-in forgiveness.” At least, I hoped so. Because I needed a lot of forgiveness from Kennedy if she really was in love with Felix. But my stomach was twisted into knots. Because shouldn’t all relationships have built-in forgiveness? And I wasn’t forgiving Matt. What is wrong with me?
He sat down on the edge of my bed. “No, I don’t mean he’d stop being my friend. But yeah, I’m sure that would happen too.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“I think he might kill himself, Brooklyn.” It looked like he was going to cry. Like the confession was breaking him in two. But instead he just put his elbows on his knees and looked down at the ground.
I didn’t know what to say. All I could think about was that James looked…sad. If there was one word I could have chosen to describe him, that probably would have been it. He drank too much. He was addicted to some kind of drug to the point where he’d blackmailed me. He was even more lost than me. “Do you really think James would do…that?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know. Maybe.” He looked so sad. “His parents gave him some bullshit ultimatum about having to break up with Rachel or they’ll cut him off.”
I’d heard the rumors about how Isabella and James were supposed to end up together. I thought it was just…rumors. But his parents cutting him off for dating someone else? All rumors were based on the truth. “What is he going to do?” I asked.
“I don’t know. But he’s already depressed. Did you know that he used to play football with Mason and me? And then suddenly his parents decided sports were a waste of time, so they pulled him from the team. He started drinking first. I don’t even know what the hell he’s taking anymore. He’s drowning and I feel like I’m the only one that can tell it’s getting worse every day. And I don’t know what to do.”
“Matt.” I knelt down in front of him so that I could see his face. “If you’re worried that he might try to kill himself, we need to tell someone.”
“You don’t think I’ve tried that?” He finally made eye contact with me. “Rob just thinks I’m being paranoid because of what happened last year. He says he has it all under control. But he doesn’t. He can’t watch James 24/7.”
“What happened last year?”
He looked up at me with a frown, as if he was realizing he let too much slip. “Nothing.”
But I wasn’t going to let him out of this conversation so easily. “Did James already try this?”
“So what happened?”
He shook his head.
“We need to tell James’ parents about this.” No, they were the worst. They were part of the reason all this was happening. “Or maybe the school counselor. Or some other adult. What about your parents? They could help.”
“They wouldn’t listen either.”
“Why? I believe you. I’ve seen James out of control. We can’t get him the help he needs. I wouldn’t even know where to start. But an adult would. And they’ll believe you too.”
“They won’t actually.”
“Why not?”
“Because they all know the truth.” He looked down at his hands.
I slipped my hand between his.
“I’m not supposed to tell anyone about what really happened,” he said, as if that was the end of it.
“I think I’ve proven that I know how to keep a secret. Please, Matt.” Let me in.
For a few moments, he didn’t say anything at all. I wasn’t even sure if he was breathing. “My parents paid someone off to change the autopsy report, but the Hunters know. They were there that night.” He cleared his throat. “And I guess now you’ll know too.” He still didn’t look up at me.
I squeezed his hand.
“I found my aunt hanging from the chandelier in my house last Christmas Eve. And I…I don’t want to find someone I love like that ever again.”
Oh, Matt. Tears welled in my eyes. I thought about the rumor about how his great great grandmother or something like that had hung herself from the chandelier in their foyer. Rumors always started with a grain of the truth. I’d just thought that about James and Isabella. And it was true in both cases.
Matt was always so put together. He was the only Untouchable that I thought was truly happy. But that was just the front he put on. He was as broken as me. That was why he always knew the right thing to say to me. That was why he knew all I needed was for him to hold me. He just…knew. He knew what it felt like to lose someone.
I climbed up on his lap and straddled him on the bed. I understood all of it. The pain he carried around. The fear too. I placed my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arms around his back. “My heart hurts for you,” I whispered into the side of his neck.