by Quin Perin
And Nate wouldn’t be able to tell he’d been using pain. Mind made up, he fetched the few glowsticks left over from when Chris had turned up and announced an impromptu roof terrace party a few weeks ago. Apparently, glowsticks were a must for such an event.
He retreated to the bathroom, the location he’d always used for cutting, the cold of the bath on his skin helped him sink into the headspace he craved. He picked up a green glowstick, snapped it till it activated, and put their favorite oil-based lube on the edge of the bath beside him.
Already hard, he took a slow, deep breath, hunched over, and after pulling back his foreskin, he pressed the lube pump. A dollop of the clear gel fell onto the shining head of his cock. The chill lube looked like a glob of precum or jizz. His cock twitched; it seemed it liked the idea as much as Alex.
Wrapping his fist around his pink erection, Nate always went on about how much he liked that it remained pale even when hard, he gave it a couple of strokes. In every porn scene, the guys were always fully erect when they started. Another pump of the lube bottle left a glistening line along the glowing stick. The excess fell onto his hard cock. It felt like the moment when he sat in the bath with a shining razor blade poised above his thigh. He hoped this would hurt too, hurt enough so he could live in the moment and not think for a while.
Biting his lip, he held his cock still, held his breath, and pressed the rounded tip of the glowstick to his hole. It looked too damn wide, but some of the porn guys hadn’t been any bigger than him, and they’d taken things a hell of a lot bigger than this. Gritting his teeth, he pressed it in. It stung, but so did cutting. He pulled it out to checked for blood, but the stick remained clean. Yeah, he could do this.
Three
Present
Tall, dark, wealthy, charming, and handsome, not to mention an altruistic doctor, Nate was probably every gay man’s and hetero woman’s dream. And he wanted Alex, the son of a homophobic, violent bully and a dead drunk. Skinny, painfully shy, socially awkward, ex-drug addict and self-harmer, Alex Fletcher. He still didn’t get what Nate found so fascinating about him, but living the dream seemed increasingly possible. But he needed things Nate didn’t understand, didn’t accept now and probably never would. It didn’t stop Alex wanting, needing, something to take him out of his own mind sometimes.
Nate being a doctor filled him with pride, but he didn’t want Nate to be his doctor. There was no way Alex wanted to go back to that awkwardness again, but fuck did it burn.
“Am I going to need my bag?”
“You’re not my doctor.” Alex flinched at his own words, knowing they gave away that he might need one. Right now, he bet Nate imagined self-inflicted cuts all over Alex’s body.
“Alex, do we need to go to the hospital?” The deep, gravelly voice called him out.
He shook his head. Fuck, he hoped not. Explaining self-harm was embarrassing enough, but this… not in a million years. But if he couldn’t… Yeah, he’d have to see a doctor. But the only ones in town all knew Nate. Nate might never live it down.
“Do you want the mask?”
“It’s nothing; don’t worry about it,” he said, keeping his focus on his drawing. Wearing what he’d originally thought was a sleep mask had helped him to talk in the early days. So did typing rather than speaking out loud. Over the months, the mask had taken on a far more erotic purpose, and he didn’t want to taint those new fantastic memories with the shit currently whirling in his head.
“Remember who you’re talking to? It is something. You’re stiff as a board, clearly uncomfortable, maybe in pain. So cut the bullshit, and we’ll sort this out. You know I won’t give up till I get an answer; I’m a complete arsehole with stuff like this.”
Alex shrugged. “I’m… I’m just worried about the trial, and seeing…” He trailed off. It was true, he didn’t want to face his dad or the past, but that had been the cause of his current issue, rather than being his most immediate problem.
Without thinking, he reached forward to lay down his pencil. The extra pressure had him screwing up his eyes.
“That’s it, talk, or I’m hauling you down to A and E whether you like it or not.”
Dread kicked in Alex’s chest as he shook his head. “No, don’t do that. I… You… just no.” Shooting to his feet, he made for the safety of a locked bathroom door. Maybe… maybe it was better now.
Once behind a locked door, he eyed the toilet and his bladder spasmed. God, he’d never needed a piss this much in his whole damn life. His entire body ached with it.
Taking a breath, he approached the white porcelain, got his sore cock out, and pointed. He thought about urine flowing out, about waterfalls, and taps running, but as his teeth gritted and tears prickled his eyes, nothing happened. I am so very fucked. What if it ruptures or something?
His phone buzzed in his pocket with a message.
Dr. Knutts here.
I can understand you not talking to that arsehole Cooper.
But you have a problem.
I can help.
What is it?
No judgment from me.
I promise I won’t tell Cooper.
Alex read the messages as they popped up one after the other and had to smile. Nate was such an idiot sometimes, but this technique had got him communicating during those first few hours and days after his overdose. Nate had gotten his way back then, but this? Fuck, all he had to do was damn well pee, and it’d all be ok.
Instead of replying, Alex tried to use the toilet again and failed.
His phone rang, or rather, it began talking. “Take me out; press my button, big boy. Harder, do it harder. Oh, fuck yeah, just like-” Glancing down, TIGGER blazed on the screen with an image of a bouncing tiger with a huge grin as the phone degenerated into sexy moans.
Alex closed his eyes briefly and blew out a breath. Chris was the last person he wanted to talk to right now. That Chris had somehow sneaked Alex’s phone, hacked the passcode, changed his own name and ring tone didn’t surprise him.
“Hi Chris,” he said. If he didn’t answer, the likelihood of Chris turning up at the door was pretty damn high. Nate calling in reinforcements was a low blow. Chris was so damn loud, but he could never be angry with the guy. Love him or hate him, he’d never met anyone who could ignore Chris, himself included.
“Nate’s got his boxers in a bunch about you hiding in the bathroom. He’s worried that you went all Freddy Kruger on yourself again. I told him not to be paranoid. You didn’t, did you?”
Alex managed to get “No” in before Chris was off again. “Well, that’s good. So, why are you hiding in the bog? Did you tattoo your dick? Fuck, you got a piercing, didn’t you? Shit, that’s so cool. Hey Jase, fancy getting your dick pierced?”
Alex grinned at the growled, “What do you think?” that sounded in the distance.
“Aw, sarge, you old stick in the mud. I’ll come with you and hold your hand or your cock, because–”
“Nate messaged you for a reason, Tigger,” Jase called out. “And no, I don’t want to know.”
“Oh right. Alex, why have you locked yourself in the bathroom? I need an answer quick; Jase has his Sarge look on. Which means either I’m about to get one hell of a pounding or we’re coming over. If you were looking out your window right now, you’d see the lights in our flat flashing. It looks fucking cool even if I say it myself. Come out, and you’ll see them.”
“Alex, come out for fuck’s sake before I get a fucking migraine,” Jase called out. Alex had no doubt Chris was doing precisely what he stated.
“Tell me. Tell me, tell me, tell me. You know how long I can keep this up, so you might as well spit it out.” Chris started up with the ‘Tell me’s’ again.
“I can’t pee,” he blurted to shut him up.
“Oh.” There was a brief, blissful pause. “You got an infection or something? Shit, you didn’t catch something from another guy, did you? Because if that’s what’s happened, I get why–”
“Wou
ld you shut up?” Alex hissed. “No, I didn’t cheat, and no, I haven’t got an infection. I…” He groaned. “I watched a porn vid and saw someone try something with a glowstick and…” He blew out a breath. “I’m sore, ok?”
He couldn’t hear Chris anymore. Yeah, he’s laughing his fucking head off. Which is why I didn’t want to tell anyone.
After a seemingly lifetime of silence, Chris spoke again. “Um, wow. That’s, wow, so fucking hot. With a glow stick? Right down inside your cock, right? Could you see it, glowing I mean? Because I’d really like to–”
“Back to the not being able to pee issue?” Alex interrupted.
“Oh, sorry. I’ll tell Nate, but you’re kinda cruel trying that on your own, not telling him and making me call you. Even his colossal ego has limits you know.” Just before he hung up, Chris called out to Jase, “Hey Sarge, have we got any glowsticks downstairs?”
Two minutes later, feeling even shittier for shutting Nate out, and after yet another unsuccessful attempt to pee, a tap came on the door.
“Still no luck?”
“No,” he huffed, and feeling stupid, he unlocked the door.
Nate didn’t laugh, didn’t smirk. And that made it even worse. Instead, he came in, put the lid down on the toilet, and sat down.
“Sounding can be fun, if–”
“Tell my bladder that,” he snapped, arms folded, with his chin on his chest.
“Any blood?”
He shook his head.
Nate stood up. “Right, clothes off.”
Alex’s head shot up. “No way; you’re not examining me.”
Nate’s lips quirked. “It’s not as if I haven’t seen it before, but you’ll find taking a shower with your clothes on is pretty uncomfortable.” He sighed, scrubbing at his dark hair. “Look, as an A and E doctor, I’ve seen just about everything. A warm shower can help, and things can get a little messy when you’re all pent up. Unless you had any really sharp pain when you were–.” Pausing, he closed his eyes briefly. “And that is a visual I’m not going to forget in a hurry. What color was it?”
Frowning, Alex said, “My dick?”
Nate let out a small groan. “You’re killing me here. No, the glowstick.”
“Green. Hurt a bit at first, but once it–”
Nate’s hand shot up, palm forward. “And that is something I don’t want to think about now.”
Because you’re in doctor mode, not boyfriend mode. And that’s why I didn’t want to say anything.
“You’ve probably just irritated the lining of the urethra which has swollen a little. It’ll likely be painful to pee for a few days, but with plenty of water, and a non-irritating diet, you’ll be fine. And if you want to try it again, let me know. We’ll get the right lube, our oil based one is fine usually but not for this, and the right equipment. The stick you used might have had a slight sharp area, one too small to see, that irritated you. I bet you tried it when you were hard too.”
Even in the loose combat trousers Nate preferred to wear to the A and E, Alex could see his erection. Nate actually liked this; quite a lot by the look of it. Alex’s abused cock began to chub again. A boner right now would not help at all. Everything felt hot, swollen, and stretched to bursting point. The guy had to be all ‘mature’ about this, didn’t he? Making Nate even more uncomfortable might even things up a little.
Channelling Chris, he said, “Yeah, that’s what all the porn showed. I came, when it was in, like a fucking freight train. Every pulse hurt, but it was so good. The stick shot out–”
Nate held up both hands. “Enough. You, Alex Fletcher, are a demon. Get in the shower.”
Four
Out of all the explanations for Alex’s obvious discomfort, trying sounding with a glowstick had never entered Nate’s mind. He’d had no idea that Alex wanted to try this potentially dangerous kink. The lack of communication about Alex’s desires, and the consequences of acting them out, bugged him. Nate asked all the people he counseled to trust him with their emotions and fears, and he expected nothing less from his boyfriend.
He didn’t know how to feel about Alex doing this without him, or that he’d needed to involve Chris to get the details. He pushed the competing jealousy and disappointment at Alex’s lack of trust aside and focused on the immediate physical issue. If Alex couldn’t urinate at all, they would have to take a trip to the A and E to catheterize him. Nate didn’t routinely carry a catheter kit in his medical bag, but even if he had, would Alex let him use it because of his ‘You’re not my doctor’ obsession? The thought of anyone else touching Alex intimately had his gut clenching, not to mention sharing this issue with people he worked with daily. Yes, everyone in the A and E had seen the whole spectrum of ‘different’ but the knowing looks from his colleagues? No, thank you.
Alex’s attempted to flirt his way out of the awkwardness said more about Chris’ influence than Alex’s own personality. Unfortunately, he couldn’t dismiss his own disappointment or swirling lust as easily. Instead, he turned his back to give Alex a little privacy and ordered the red-faced, distressed man into the shower.
“It’s fine to pee in there,” he called out as Alex turned on the shower.
One minute, two, and still Alex kept quiet.
Nate waited for another two before speaking. “Any luck?”
The choked, almost sobbed, “No,” had Nate shooting to his feet and undressing.
Alex stood, leaning one forearm against the wall, every muscle tense as the water beaded and flowed down his back. His stunning pale bubble butt contrasting with the light tan from spending a summer on Nate’s roof terrace. He bet it was the first tan Alex had gotten since he’d been a small child, maybe ever. Nate’s heart warmed at the thought of being the one to give Alex the freedom, the confidence, to bare his body.
“Go away,” Alex said through teeth gritted.
“No,” Nate said in a relaxed, mild voice. “My boyfriend needs me, and I’m going to help him even if he does feel embarrassed, which, by the way, is utterly unnecessary.” As he spoke, he rested a hand on Alex’s shoulder and began rubbing with his thumb. When the muscle tension faded a little, he grabbed the shower gel and set about washing him.
“This is no different to any other shower we’ve shared, except don’t worry about peeing. We can clean up, it’s not a problem.” Alex stayed silent, relaxing a little more with every passing second. Pressing up against Alex’s back, he wrapped an arm around his chest, continuing the soapy massage while thinking about anything except how the naked body of the man he loved felt pressed against him. It’d been a long night, and thinking about what Alex had done… He tore his mind away, imagining the poor guy with gastroenteritis in the A and E a few hours earlier.
Bit by bit, he slid his hands over Alex’s abdomen, palpating his bladder. To his relief, it was distended, but not dangerously so. No need to worry about a rupture, not yet anyway. As he increased the pressure, Alex’s butt pushed back against him.
“Don’t. It hurts.”
Nate kissed the side of Alex’s neck. “It’s ok. I’ve got you. And I know you’re not afraid of a little pain. Waterfalls and running taps.”
He pressed a little harder. A little urine dribbled out and Alex’s body tensed as he drew in a sharp breath.
“Well done, keep going, it's ok if it stings,” Nate kept on praising and the urine flow got stronger. He eased up on the pressure on Alex’s bladder. Crisis averted, for now anyway.
Alex’s head fell back against Nate’s shoulder. He could almost hear the younger man’s thoughts. Relief, embarrassment, apologies. As usual, Alex kept his words inside.
Nate kissed his temple. “Come on, let's get some sleep.”
As he stepped back, Alex turned and wrapped his arms around Nate, giving him a squeeze. He returned it. Who needed words anyway?
“He’s getting worse,” Nate said as he let Jase and Chris into the penthouse a few days later. Jase wore his usual understated black t-shirt and khaki combats
and appeared every inch an ex-military cop. Chris wore a green fitted t-shirt with a dabbing rainbow unicorn on the front and painted on white jeans. It still amazed him that Chris had survived to adulthood, let alone ended up such a well-adjusted adult. Chris bounced back from everything that’d been thrown at him. He grinned, he ran, he survived. Alex, on the other hand, closed down, stopped talking, and used external means, usually dangerous ones, to cope with trauma.
Tomorrow, Alex needed to face his father and bare his soul in public. Hell, he couldn’t even do it in private without help. Nate pictured him sitting up on the stand, silent and hunched, while lawyers tore him apart.
“Still not sleeping?” Jase asked.
Nate pressed his lips together and shook his head.
“Tried fucking him into next week?” Chris said as he sprawled on the sofa for all of ten seconds before bouncing back to his feet. “That’s what works for me.”
“He had an issue last week, remember?” Nate said. Chris’s ADHD didn't always go hand in hand with a good memory, but he was one of the sharpest people Nate had ever met.
“And it takes how long for that sort of thing to heal? And even if he’s still a bit sore, hell this is Alex we’re talking about, he’ll enjoy it even more. Where is the emo elf anyway?”
“Swimming, and he’s not a masochist,” Nate said and waved a hand upward.
Chris grinned, almost vibrating in place. “Pull the other leg; we all know he’s got a pain thing going on. But don’t worry, because the awesome Tigger has a plan that will solve all your issues, tall, dark, and gorgeous Doctor man.”
Nate frowned at Jase whose lips twitched with amusement. “Do you know about this?”
Jase’s face broke into a full-blown grin. “Don’t underestimate the power of the Tigger.”
Five