by Vicki Grant
HILDY: Liar.
BOB SOMEONE: calling me a liar not cool
HILDY: Sorry.
BOB SOMEONE: normally i’d challenge u to a duel for the insult but i’ve got the sniffles & anyway i thought u liked that about me. the manly stuff i mean
HILDY: Only sometimes. Didn’t I explain that already? It’s often kind of irritating.
BOB SOMEONE: careful. as u know I can be a jerk when threatened
HILDY: Another thing I didn’t know! (I did, however, know you could be an asshole.)
BOB SOMEONE: LOL something about u swearing cracks me up
HILDY: LMAO
BOB SOMEONE: LOL x2
HILDY: I always feel like such a degenerate when I swear—even in code. I secretly check over my shoulder to make sure my mother, my kindergarten teacher, and/or god aren’t there to catch me.
BOB SOMEONE: what would they do to u if they were?
HILDY: I haven’t the faintest idea.
HILDY: Is it sad that I’ve made it to 18 and never done anything that would require someone to reprimand me?
BOB SOMEONE: i can fix that
HILDY: You’re not the first person to offer.
BOB SOMEONE: who? evan?
HILDY: You have no idea how wrong you are.
BOB SOMEONE: so who?
HILDY: Everybody, at one time or another. Well, everybody except Evan. Max, Xiu, Iris, even my brother Alec. (Although with him, it usually entailed me helping sneak his contraband in or out of the house. He never actually wanted me to join in the shenanigans.)
BOB SOMEONE: so why didn’t u?
HILDY: Because I’m a card-carrying Good Little Girl. I thought you’d recognize the uniform.
BOB SOMEONE: u? really?!?
HILDY: Hahaha. BTW, do you know how I can erase my history? I don’t want my mother finding out I used the *a word…
BOB SOMEONE: i do but not going to tell u. time u took a walk on the wild side
HILDY: Using bad words. That’s the wild side?
BOB SOMEONE: baby steps baby steps
BOB SOMEONE: in the meantime why don’t u answer the question?
HILDY: Question? What question?
BOB SOMEONE: i’m starting to suspect you’ve been using your feminine whiles to avoid it
HILDY: It’s feminine *wiles…
BOB SOMEONE: there u go again. u always blame me for sleazing out of questions but ur guilty too
HILDY: *You’re… (You do that a lot. *Your is the possessive adjective. *You’re is the contraction of the words “you are.”)
BOB SOMEONE: atq
BOB SOMEONE: spit it out
HILDY: Gimme a sec! Geez. I had to look the question up again. Then I got stuck on the “if we were to become good friends” bit.
BOB SOMEONE: more bullshit excuses
HILDY: No. Seriously. Is that why we’re doing this?
BOB SOMEONE: i’m doing this for the money. ur doing it because ur honor bound
HILDY: Oh. Right.
BOB SOMEONE: u got another reason?
HILDY: No. Do you?
BOB SOMEONE: no so atq
HILDY: I’d need you to know that I have an aversion to dogs, that I burn easily, and that I have to be fed regularly or I turn into a crazy person.
BOB SOMEONE: & what else?
HILDY: How do you know there’s an *and?
BOB SOMEONE: lurking ur facebook feed
HILDY: All my secrets laid bare on social media. How embarrassing…
BOB SOMEONE: yup i know em all
HILDY: So why are you asking then?
BOB SOMEONE: not getting paid to do research. tho i did enjoy watching u go thru puberty. god it took ages. btw still have to wear the headgear?
HILDY: No. I stopped a couple of years ago. The radio signals I was picking up from Pluto were apparently affecting my classmates’ hormones. They started doing bizarre things like growing whiskers and kissing in the hall.
BOB SOMEONE: too bad. headgear was a good look for u
HILDY: Someday I will find your real Facebook page and none of this will be so funny.
BOB SOMEONE: good luck with that
HILDY: Which brings me to my *and…
BOB SOMEONE: which is?
HILDY: And I’m not as wimpy as you think. I’m actually quite tough.
BOB SOMEONE: never thought ur wimpy. ur a trojan horse. u look harmless enuf but theres a goddam army inside
HILDY: How do you know about the Trojan horse? You pick that up from looking at the pictures too?
BOB SOMEONE: no. saw a cartoon about it & immediately thought of you
HILDY: Hahaha
BOB SOMEONE: truth
HILDY: So what do I need to know about you? Other than the stuff I’ve already gleaned about you living alone and loving babies. (!!!!!)
BOB SOMEONE: hey! watch it with the !!! someone could lose an eye
HILDY: Ever thought of putting a little baby smell behind your ears? Best. Perfume. Ever.
BOB SOMEONE: better than Axe?
HILDY: Even better than Old Spice and the guy in the towel that comes with it.
BOB SOMEONE: do all girls think that way?
HILDY: Why not get yourself a bottle and find out?
BOB SOMEONE: don’t need to
HILDY: You have a very healthy self-regard.
BOB SOMEONE: that a problem?
HILDY: Did I say it was a problem?
BOB SOMEONE: something about ur tone
HILDY: My *typing tone? I had no idea you were sooooo sensitive. “You have a very healthy self-regard ” That better?
BOB SOMEONE: yes
HILDY: Ok. I know you live alone, like babies, and have a deep psychological dependency on emoticons. Anything else?
BOB SOMEONE: i need time to myself. i hate cooked carrots and pajamas. i like my stuff in its proper place
HILDY: Including your *girls?
BOB SOMEONE: ur always trying to make me sound like a pig. no not my girls
HILDY: How do you like your girls?
BOB SOMEONE: natural
HILDY: As in au naturel?
BOB SOMEONE: french?
HILDY: Yes. It means *naked
BOB SOMEONE: ??!?!?!?!?!
HILDY: Oops. Was that inappropriate?
BOB SOMEONE: may no! i like ze naked french girls
HILDY: But that’s not what you meant by natural?
BOB SOMEONE: no tho come to think of it…
HILDY: What did you mean then?
BOB SOMEONE: i like girls when there just being themselves. as in natural but with there clothes on. not big on phony girls
HILDY: Why does this make me feel uncomfortable?
BOB SOMEONE: cuz u remember what u were like in rm 417?
HILDY: Maybe.
BOB SOMEONE: i liked u better when u ran OUT OF rm 417
HILDY: I bet you did. You couldn’t wait to get rid of me.
BOB SOMEONE: no it wasn’t that. it was cuz u were finally acting normally
HILDY: Throwing something at a person is normal for you?
BOB SOMEONE: yeah. that time it was anyway. u threw Kong at me cuz that’s what u felt like doing. not cuz it fit some stupid image u have of urself
HILDY: Wrong. I threw Kong at you because I couldn’t help it.
BOB SOMEONE: that’s what i mean. Natural. u should do more things u can’t help. won’t kill u & might put that girl in rm 417 out of her misery
HILDY: You actually like the type of person who throws things at you?
BOB SOMEONE: what can i say? guys always fall for there mothers
HILDY: Did she abuse you?
BOB SOMEONE: NO. oh my god u are such a southender. like throwing stuff is abuse. u guys have got to man up
BOB SOMEONE: & ps so maybe she did throw things at me time to time but least she enjoyed it more than u did
HILDY: You make that sound like a good thing.
BOB SOMEONE: got to enjoy life. thats all there is
BOB SOMEONE: parts of it
HILDY: Which parts?
BOB SOMEONE: the parts I told u about. drawing drumming sleeping
HILDY: Girls?
BOB SOMEONE: your obsessed with my sex life
HILDY: *You’re
BOB SOMEONE: nice redirect & would u pls quit it with the spelling shit
HILDY: No. Can’t help it. Won’t kill you.
BOB SOMEONE: ha
HILDY: Which parts *don’t you enjoy?
BOB SOMEONE: to many to mention
HILDY: Just your top five then.
BOB SOMEONE: assholes slush EDM soggy lettuce
HILDY: That’s four
BOB SOMEONE: Can’t count?
HILDY: “Soggy” is part of “lettuce.”
BOB SOMEONE: Oh right
HILDY: So? Proceed.
BOB SOMEONE: # 5: people who say there going to do something and don’t. sorry. make that # 1. i really truly hate that
HILDY: No one likes that.
BOB SOMEONE: altho lots of people love assholes, soggy lettuce, and EDM?
HILDY: Only partially right. I like EDM (in reasonable doses) but am not fond of a**holes or soggy lettuce.
BOB SOMEONE: don’t u mean so**y lettuce? i find ur language offensive
HILDY: More or less offensive than EDM?
BOB SOMEONE: less but just barely. ok ur turn. what parts of life do u enjoy?
HILDY: Too numerous to mention.
BOB SOMEONE: don’t believe u but whatever. give me yr top 5
HILDY: Reading. Writing. Lattes. Sheepskin slippers, especially when slightly warmed by the fire. Getting my hair braided.
BOB SOMEONE: what don’t u enjoy?
HILDY: What you said minus the EDM.
BOB SOMEONE: how many times do i have to tell u no copying. come up with something else
HILDY: Eggplant. Exercising. Plucking my eyebrows, although I suffer through it anyway in order to avoid looking like I have a large caterpillar crawling across my forehead.
BOB SOMEONE: instead of two smaller ones
HILDY: Haha
BOB SOMEONE: what else don’t u like
HILDY: Biology. You were right about that. I have no mind for sciences although before you say anything it has nothing to do with my being female (I don’t want to turn this into a Barbie-can’t-do-math type thing) and I DO know gay men can father babies.
BOB SOMEONE: but I taught u that
HILDY: Doesn’t matter how I know it, I know it.
BOB SOMEONE: cmon 1 more…
HILDY: My parents fighting. I hate that. I’m going to be a skeleton soon if they don’t stop. Even when they don’t raise their voices—which they don’t do, of course, given who they are and what images they have to protect—it doesn’t matter. Just the buzz of them arguing in another room makes my throat close. You know when you stay underwater for a long time and your throat burns? That’s what it feels like all the time when I’m at home now. Like I’ve gone too long without taking a breath.
BOB SOMEONE: my parents never fought #BestThingAboutNotHavingADad
HILDY: do you always look on the bright side of life?
BOB SOMEONE: try
HILDY: My parents didnt used to fight, but now it’s like they’re on some bad drug that makes them do crazy things. Marital meth or something.
BOB SOMEONE: i got some survival tips for u
HILDY: Where’d you pick those up? Didn’t you just say your parents never fought?
BOB SOMEONE: yeah but my mother fought with everyone else so i picked up some pointers. tried the pillow over ur head?
HILDY: Yes.
BOB SOMEONE: the long shower
HILDY: Yes. It dries out my skin.
BOB SOMEONE: going for a run
HILDY: No. I told you. I don’t like to exercise.
BOB SOMEONE: more or less than hearing ur parents fight?
HILDY: More, but I’m really lazy so it doesn’t matter. I end up listening to them fight AND feeling guilty about not running. Your suggestions aren’t helping.
BOB SOMEONE: sorry doing my best
HILDY: Not your fault. Nothing helps. Even if I don’t actually hear them fighting out loud, I hear them in my head.
BOB SOMEONE: been there done that. sucks big time
HILDY: Actually I’m wrong. Something does help.
BOB SOMEONE: what?
HILDY: I don’t think about them when I’m talking to you.
BOB SOMEONE: kind of like hitting urself in the head to distract urself from an itch
HILDY: Kind of, I guess.
BOB SOMEONE: u can hit urself in the head with me anytime u want
HILDY: That is the weirdest thing anyone has ever said to me.
BOB SOMEONE: i like to think u mean that in a good way
HILDY: I like to think the same thing about what you said.
BOB SOMEONE: u think right
HILDY: Ditto.
BOB SOMEONE: we kind of moved away from the question
HILDY: We’ve been doing that a lot lately. I forget what it even was.
BOB SOMEONE: something about friendship
HILDY: Did we answer it?
BOB SOMEONE: must have
HILDY: Is that your official ruling, ump?
BOB SOMEONE: hearing u say ump is almost as funny as hearing u swear
HILDY: I’m not as stuck-up as you think I am. I know what an ump is.
BOB SOMEONE: cuz u played one in the school musical?
HILDY: LOL. Busted, as you say. I have a question for you.
BOB SOMEONE: Proceed, as u say
HILDY: Nice use of a comma.
BOB SOMEONE: whats the question
HILDY: Want to get together?
BOB SOMEONE: When?
HILDY: Answer the question first.
BOB SOMEONE: yes when?
HILDY: Tomorrow?
BOB SOMEONE: ok where?
HILDY: I don’t know. Somewhere we could talk and get something fattening. (Upside of parents fighting: I’m down on my calorie count. Room to splurge.)
BOB SOMEONE: upside of that coat: nobody can tell.
HILDY: #WhyIBoughtIt.
BOB SOMEONE: Theres a new place at the corner of north and agricola or bloomfield or whatever. looks like it would have fattening stuff. maybe even coffee in bowls
HILDY: Near the bridge? With black trim and a yellow door?
BOB SOMEONE: yeah. don’t know what its called
HILDY: Me neither, but that would work. I’ve been wanting to try it. What time?
BOB SOMEONE: how about 7? i may have to be somewhere at 8:30
HILDY: *may have to be. How mysterious…
BOB SOMEONE: im a man of mystery
HILDY: You are indeed. What’s your number in case I’m late?
BOB SOMEONE: i forgot to add lateness to my list of things i hate so don’t be late
HILDY: I won’t. Promise. But just in case, can I have your number?
BOB SOMEONE: so u can give me some lame excuse? sorry running late my hamster choked on a raisin then my grandmother died be there in a sec. no way
HILDY: I promise. No lame excuses. Just give me your phone number to be on the safe side.
BOB SOMEONE: sorry can’t. don’t have a phone
HILDY: Seriously?
BOB SOMEONE: yes
HILDY: How come?
BOB SOMEONE: don’t want the govt listening in on my conversations
HILDY: You’re joking.
BOB SOMEONE: i am
HILDY: So what’s your number then?
BOB SOMEONE: joking about the govt. wasn’t joking about the phone
HILDY: You really don’t have one? Why?
BOB SOMEONE: don’t want the govt listening in…
HILDY: Aargh. You’re stonewalling.
BOB SOMEONE: must be sooooooooo irritating!! how u going to get that big old trojan horse thru when the gates won’t even open? c u at the no
name café at 7
HILDY: You know I’m just going to ask you then…
BOB SOMEONE: good luck with that. in the meantime heres ur homework. question 28 “*tell ur partner what u like about them. be very honest this time saying things that u might not say to someone u’ve just met”
HILDY: A lot of these questions are sort of the same.
BOB SOMEONE: this ones different. I have to be very honest this time.
HILDY: You must *really like that part.
BOB SOMEONE: i love a challenge
HILDY: So do I.
BOB SOMEONE: good. heres ur 1st one. don’t be late
CHAPTER
12
“Would you like to tell the class what you find so amusing, Ms. Sangster?” Mr. Goora tapped on her desk with his textbook.
Hildy came to with a start. Damn. She must be doing it again. She hadn’t been able to control her face all day.
“My guess is you’re not thinking about polynomials,” he said.
“Close!” Xiu put on her best Mae West voice. “At least you got the Paul part right.”
Kids started whistling and cheering and making semi-crude comments about Hildy’s fantasy life.
Mr. Goora said, “Enough. Enough,” and shut everybody up, but of course it wasn’t enough for Hildy. She was obsessed with the boy.
Bobsessed. She hunched over her equations so Mr. G couldn’t see her smile again.
She still hadn’t come up with an answer for tonight.
Tell your partner what you like about them;
be very honest
say things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
The mere question made her laugh and blush and go all funny in the stomach. Not even her father “forgetting” to pick Gabe up from his regular Wednesday morning swim meet could ruin it for her. Upset her a bit. Throw her off for a while. But not ruin it.
The bell rang. Hildy packed up her stuff and headed to the common room for the monthly after-school meeting of the Citadel Classic Film Society. Xiu tried to drag her out for a smoothie instead but Hildy felt she should go. She’d missed last month’s movie, and Duff got huffy when members didn’t show up regularly.
Xiu rolled her eyes. “Why bother? You’re just going to sit in the dark and think about Bob.”