I’m a masochist. Sophie has been clear. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship.
She wants to be friends, though. Yet another thing giving me false hope.
Fuck. I hate everything about this. A normal guy would go sleep with some other girl and get over Sophie immediately. I’m not normal.
“Matt, can you bring Sophie home?”
“I can Uber, it’s fine...”
I had driven Travis and me while Carmen brought Sophie. I’m guessing this was also part of Carmen’s plan to get Sophie and me together.
“It’s no big deal. I’m happy to drive you.”
Sophie studies my face. “Okay.”
The ride is quiet until we get to Sophie’s apartment.
“I wanted to say again that I’m sorry. I like you a lot, Matt. I just... like I said, I have issues. I’m sorry that I’ve dragged you into my mess.”
She gets out of the car without waiting for my response. I sit there for a minute letting her words sink in.
So much for moving on.
Now, I’m in deeper than ever.
17
Sophie
I haven’t been to a hockey game yet this semester, so when Carmen asked me to go with her tonight, I reluctantly agreed. And, I’m wearing red, which is one of our school colors.
Carmen laughs when I find her outside the ice rink.
“That’s not the right shade of red,” she says.
“It’s red!”
“Our colors are deeper red. How can you not own any school merch? You’ve been going here for four years!”
“I have a shirt somewhere but I couldn’t find it. Does it really matter? At least I wore red!”
Carmen throws her arm around me. “You’re right. It’s the thought that counts.”
We walk together into the rink. It’s weirdly mild outside today, so I survived wearing just my not-right red long-sleeved shirt. I’m glad I thought to bring my coat, though. It’s cold near the ice.
The hockey team is our school’s best team, so tons of students come out for the games. For some reason they don’t do assigned seating, so it’s an intense game of first come, first served. Carmen and I are here an hour before the game starts, and there are already plenty of people seated throughout the arena.
“We’re sitting center ice,” Carmen announces. I already know this because it’s where we always sit when we come to games. I’ve picked up a few things from tagging along. This is probably my tenth hockey game ever, so I’m no pro, but I get by.
There’s a book tucked into my bag. I promised Carmen I’d watch the first period without distraction, but after that I’m allowed to do whatever I want. I think I can handle one period of hockey without a book. I’ve never tried it before, but I’m sure I’ll be fine.
A few of the other hockey girlfriends are already sitting in our section. I know a few of them through Carmen, but not very well. They greet me kindly, but most of their focus is on Carmen. The wives stick together. They even welcome the bunnies into their crew.
I wonder if this dynamic has ever been studied by scholars. I’d love to understand how this all works on a deeper level. Why aren’t the wives threatened by the bunnies? Why aren’t they threatened by each other? Why are they friends when the only thing they have in common is that they fuck hockey players?
My head might explode if I think about it for too long. All that matters is that they’re happy. Judging by the smiles on their faces, they are.
Carmen and I leave our stuff at our seats and head to concessions for hot dogs. Apparently, it’s a tradition. Carmen would never claim to be superstitious, but she gets a hot dog, popcorn, and a soda at every game she attends, and they always win.
I wouldn’t dare risk causing a loss, so I order the same as Carmen. I’m not sure if that’s how it works, but it’s how I do it every game I attend. I’ve only ever seen the Goats win.
Back our seats, we enjoy our food and Carmen chats with her friend group. I’m usually only required to come when most of the wives and bunnies are going to be gone. I have no idea why she requested my presence today.
“Isn’t it great!” Carmen says. I look around. I can see the appeal. Carmen has always been a loud, busy person. She likes to be surrounded by people and noise. She thrives in this kind of environment. The arena is almost completely full now.
“It is,” I respond. This isn’t exactly my kind of place, but I love seeing Carmen happy. I get the same feeling when I go to a concert. I love live music. The smile on my face when the lights go down and the music starts is the same as the one on Carmen’s face when the puck drops. So I get it, even if I’m not a hockey fan. Everyone has their thing.
“I’m glad you’re here with me. I wish you’d come more often.”
“I’ll come to a couple more with you before the season ends.”
Carmen’s face lights up. “Really?”
“Yeah. The semester is almost over. It’ll be your last chance to drag me to games.”
“So it has nothing to do with a certain goalie?”
I role my eyes. Carmen has been dropping hints about Matt all weekend, no matter how many times I ask her to stop. Talking to him on Saturday was nice, but I meant what I said. Peter messes me up too badly for me to date Matt. I wish Carmen would accept and understand that. I know she’s coming from a good place, but it’s getting to be too much. She claims she does understand. If she did, she wouldn’t be pushing me to be with Matt.
“It has nothing to do with him. I’m telling you, I won’t be going to any games after graduation. This is your last chance to experience the games with me.”
“Fine. If you say that’s all it is, I’ll believe you.”
Carmen doesn’t believe me. I don’t blame her. I’m happy that I’ll get to see Matt play. I haven’t experienced him on the ice since I met him. It’ll be interesting to see a friend play hockey. Carmen gets to do it all the time. While I usually know the players’ names because I meet them the morning after, I never get to know them well enough to call them friends. This semester has been different. I consider Travis a friend. He’s been around more since he started trying to date Carmen, and now that they’re official, I see him all the time. Plus, I’ve seen Matt naked. I think that makes us friends, even if he’s hesitant to use the word.
“Are you okay? Your face got weird for a second.”
“Yeah, fine. I still feel bad for how I’ve treated Matt. Even if I did want to be with him, which I don’t, I doubt he’d want to be with me.”
“I don’t know, Soph. I think he understands.”
“It doesn’t matter. I apologized and asked him to be friends. That’s all there is to it.”
Carmen wants to say more, but the National Anthem starts to play, immediately followed by O Canada. It’s game time.
I’m glad Matt is the goalie. I know Travis is number 75, but it’s hard to keep track of the guys on the ice. Matt is always in the same place. I spot him immediately.
He looks bigger in his hockey gear. I know he wears a ton of pads, but I wasn’t expecting him to be twice his regular size. It’s weird that the giant in front of the goal is such a sweet, gentle guy. I’m glad he’s not actually this big. He would’ve crushed me in bed.
Carmen squeezes my hand when the puck drops. She likes to have something to hold onto during intense moments. I bought her a hockey puck stress ball that she uses when I’m not here.
I can’t keep track of the puck. Hockey moves so quickly that I get lost easily. My head turns from side to side, trying to pay attention.
The other team has the puck. At least they’re in white and we’re in red, so it’s easy to tell them apart.
The guy with the puck charges towards the goal. He goes to shoot, but one of our guys hits him, ruining the shot and pushing the player right into Matt.
I gasp when the two make contact. Isn’t the goalie supposed to be safe? He shouldn’t have to deal with guys bowling into him!
I look o
ver at Carmen to find her staring at me.
“What?” I ask.
“Nothing,” she says. She returns her attention to the game.
The first period is more of the same. Every time someone slams into the goal, I jump and squeeze Carmen’s hand. I can’t help it! Now that I know Matt, I don’t want him to get hurt. It’s no wonder Carmen gets so stressed during games. It’s different when you know the guys on the team.
The players leave the ice for a ten-minute break after the first period. Carmen releases my hand.
“So, that was interesting.”
“Yeah. It’s a good game so far.”
“I was talking about you freaking out every time Matt gets hit.”
“I was not freaking out!”
“You were squeezing me harder than I was squeezing you.”
“Whatever,” I say. “I got a little invested. Sue me.”
“I’m thinking you like Matt more than you’re letting on.”
“Drop it, Carmen. How many times do we have to go over it?”
“As many as it takes you to tell the truth!”
“You already know the truth! Yes, I like Matt, but it doesn’t matter!”
“Sophie...”
“Leave it alone. Please. I’m going to use the bathroom.”
I spend the entire break in the bathroom. When I get back, the guys are already on the ice again. I give Carmen my hand and pull out my book. If I’m reading, I won’t be focused on Matt. Carmen sighs, but she doesn’t say anything. I kept my promise.
The game goes on the way the first period did, but I barely pay attention. No more flinching every time Matt gets hit. I’m too focused on the book I’m reading. It’s an assigned book from my history class. I don’t have to have it finished for a couple weeks, but I figured I could get a head start. It’s about the East India Company, which I’ve always found fascinating.
Finally, the game is over. The Goats win, and the crowd goes wild. I do my part and stand up so I can cheer with everyone else. Someone might throw popcorn at me if I don’t. It’s happened before.
The team celebrates out on the ice, hitting each other on the helmet. Travis looks in our direction. I can’t see his face, but I’m sure he’s grinning when he spots Carmen.
Matt follows his friend’s gaze. I’m glad I can’t see whatever look he’s giving me. If I had to guess, it’s a mixture of surprise and annoyance. We may be on speaking terms, but we’re not quite at the level of being happy to see each other.
I turn to Carmen. “I’m sorry I snapped.”
“It’s fine. I still love you. Want to get dinner?”
“Sure. The diner?”
Carmen nods. We’ve been going to the diner more since the double date. It’s conveniently located, which makes it easy to stop in for breakfast or dinner. Our lunches are usually reserved for the student union, though.
Apparently, everyone from the game decided to go to the diner, too. It takes nearly a half hour for us to finally get a table. We’re led to a table for four, which is weird. It must be what they had open. I told the hostess that we only had two people in our party.
A minute after we’re seated, Travis and Matt show up.
There’s no way Carmen orchestrated this. She wouldn’t have invited them after my outburst earlier.
“I can tell them to leave,” Carmen whispers.
I shake my head. There’s still a long wait for tables. It would be rude not to share ours with the guys.
Besides, I can handle a dinner with Matt.
I just wish the universe would stop forcing us together.
18
Matt
Fate wants me to be with Sophie. That’s the only explanation for the amount of times I’ve seen her around.
Class is a fluke. I know Carmen has been orchestrating some of the meetings. But I never used to see Sophie when I walked around campus. Now, I see her all the time. Even on Tuesdays and Thursdays when our schedules don’t overlap.
Then there’s weekends. Carmen brought Sophie to the game and then invited Travis and me to the diner. I get that. But on Sunday, I went to the grocery store to stock my fridge and Sophie was there. What are the chances that we’d be shopping at the same time?
I suppose I could have seen Sophie this often before and never noticed. However, that doesn’t seem likely. Sophie may not have recognized me at the party, but I knew who she was. If she had infiltrated my life like this, I would’ve noticed.
I sigh and lay down on the couch. I’ve been up since five for conditioning, but my Thursday class was canceled so I have nothing to do until practice tonight.
My eyes flutter closed. A nap sounds fantastic right about now. Too bad I’ve never been able to nap. I always wake up feeling like I missed out on something. It’s annoying.
I spend ten minutes trying to sleep with no luck. My body is tired, but it doesn’t want to rest. I turn on Netflix instead. Unfortunately, I haven’t used it since Sophie was over a week ago. The movie we didn’t watch together is the first thing that pops up.
I manage not to throw my remote across the room in frustration. Once again, fate is telling me to give her a shot.
Or maybe it’s telling me to run for the hills. I have no idea. I wish there was an easy answer to this.
Sophie just had to tell me the other day that she likes me. Why isn’t she willing to take the next step in our relationship? She keeps talking about stuff she has to work through. What the hell happened to her?
I hope it’s nothing too serious. Though, if it is, why can’t we work through it together? I think I’m an empathetic person. Why can’t Sophie confide in me?
If I knew the issue, I could understand why we can’t be together. As it is, I feel like we’re in some weird state of limbo. Sophie says she doesn’t want a relationship, then says she likes me, and we sleep together, and we’re friendly… the mixed signals are giving me whiplash.
I turn off the TV. I can’t focus on anything but Sophie right now, anyway. It’s pointless to try.
There’s probably homework I can do. I have a few tests next week I can study for.
Instead, I scroll through my phone. Sophie’s number is right there. I shouldn’t use it, but I really want to.
I’m about to send a text asking what she’s up to when a message comes through from Carmen.
“Want to meet up and talk strategy?”
Is she serious? It hasn’t worked out at all the other times we’ve tried.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” I respond.
Someone knocks on my door. It’s probably someone selling cookies or something. I go to answer it and am surprised to find Carmen and Travis standing outside the door.
“That’s too bad, because we’re here,” Carmen says, answering my text.
“I see that. Why are you here?”
“Because you need our help, obviously.”
“I don’t think I do. I mean, the date I planned myself went better than the one you orchestrated.”
“Please. That was a fluke.”
I bristle at the comment. I disagree with her assessment. I think the date worked because I made sure Sophie was comfortable. I picked something I knew she’d like. Not that she wasn’t comfortable on the date with Carmen and Travis, but it was different because there were ulterior motives. Sophie wanted to make sure things worked out between our friends.
Apparently, that was all she was doing on that date. She didn’t care that she was there with me. In fact, I think she would’ve preferred that Zack guy.
“Shit. Is she still talking to Zack?”
Carmen bites her lip. “I think so, but it’s not serious. She mentioned that they’re at a standstill.”
“Why?”
“Why do you think?”
I roll my eyes. “I’m trying not to read too much into it.”
“I get that. She wants to like Zack, but something is holding her back.”
“That’s what she said to me.”
“She didn’t explain why?”
I shake my head. “If she did, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
“You’re right. I don’t get why she’s so secretive. In my opinion, it’s not that big of a deal.”
“It’s obviously a big deal to her.”
“Well, yeah, and I get that. She’s my best friend. I want her to move on and be happy. She can’t be pissed at her ex for the rest of her life.”
So it’s an ex that screwed her up this badly? I want to find him and punch him in the face. If he hadn’t been an asshole, Sophie and I would be together.
Okay, I guess if he hadn’t been an asshole, she might still be with him. Either way, I’m mad at him. I don’t even know the jerk’s name, but I know I hate him.
Carmen laughs. “You’re turning red. It’s cute.”
“We could kick his ass,” Travis suggests. “Would that help Sophie get over him?”
“It’s not that she’s hung up on him or anything. She’s very over him. He cheated on her. It was a whole big thing. Now, she’s worried that every guy is going to cheat on her.”
“I would never do that. How could she think I would?”
Carmen sighs. “It’s partially my fault.”
“You told her I’m a cheater?”
“No! Nothing like that. Her only experience with hockey guys has been through me. She assumes you’re all players. Her biggest fear is that you’ll meet another girl at an away game and cheat. Her ex cheated when they were on the same campus. It’s harder to believe in faithfulness with distance between you.”
That explains why Sophie doesn’t want to be with me. If I’d known this from the beginning, I could’ve shown her I’m not like a traditional hockey guy.
I hope the damage hasn’t been done. I need to prove that I’m different.
“Okay,” I say. “What do I do?”
Carmen grins. “So you agree you need my help?”
“Yes, master. Tell me how to fix this.”
“Don’t worry. I have the perfect plan.”
Cocky Puck: A College Sports Romance (Hockey Hearthrobs) Page 11