“Are you serious?” Sienna asked, rage in her voice. “I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t know if that’s actually the truth,” I said quickly. “They might’ve cared, I don’t know, but I was too hollow to process it. And I didn’t tell them everything. There were things that they never needed to know. All I knew was that the incident gave me the out I needed. I left, and I didn’t turn back. But my parents have always known where I am and constantly try to get money from me. That means anybody who blames me for what happened to Coby can find me.”
I looked down at my hands.
“I didn’t know Beckham was part of it. He wasn’t in the club when I was there, but he knew my dad. He must have. He had to have known exactly who I was when we met.”
“And he didn’t say anything,” Sienna whispered.
“No. And it’s hard for me to completely blame him because I didn’t tell him about my past either. I did horrible things when I was younger. Not anything illegal, but I wasn’t who I am now. And I should have told him that. But he should’ve told me, too.”
Tears were falling down my cheeks at that point, and the girls gathered around me, holding me close.
“It looked like he was out,” Harmony whispered. “Maybe he didn’t tell you because he didn’t know how.”
“That’s no excuse,” Violet said.
“I know. I’m just afraid. Afraid of what will happen if I let him in again. Because I thought I was out. I guess I was wrong.”
Then the tears fell harder, and the girls simply held me.
I’d thought I was good at being boring. That was safe.
It’d kept me alive this long.
Alive.
But Beckham had been part of it all along, and I didn’t know how to feel about that, even if he was out of the life.
I’d fallen once, and it had broken me.
I couldn’t fall again.
I’d already paid that price.
This time, I was afraid it would cost even more.
“What are you going to do?” Sienna asked, and I shook my head.
“I don’t know. He hasn’t said anything to me.”
“Maybe he’s giving you space,” Harmony said.
“Maybe. But I don’t know what to say to him. He knew about my past.”
“It sounds to me like he has even more baggage than you do, or at least an equal amount,” Sienna lamented. “He got out. He wanted to put all of that behind him.”
“I can understand that. And while I probably should have mentioned who I was to him, especially considering how long we’ve been together, he definitely should have mentioned that he knew me.”
“Yes, he should have,” Violet said, nodding. “And when he explains why he didn’t, you can decide if you’re willing to take him back or not.”
“I can’t. I can’t take him back. What if the club finds him again?”
“I don’t know, honey. But you’re not alone now. You don’t have your family, the ones that claim they raised you, but you do have us.”
Harmony nodded tightly as she said it. “We are your family now. All of us. And no matter what, you can lean on us. I promise.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Then don’t say anything. You are allowed to have secrets. We won’t pry. And we’ll always be here for you—whenever you need us. So, here we are. For always.” Violet kissed the top of my head. “Now, maybe we should have that wine, and you can tell us more if you want. Or we can talk about nothing. I don’t mind either way. Regardless, we’re not leaving you alone. We’re here. Always.”
I held on tight as the tears kept falling. I had a feeling that I was going to have to figure out exactly what to say to Beckham.
Because I knew more than anybody how hard it was to walk away from that life and try to pretend that you were normal.
But we had been brought together, and somehow, we needed to figure out what to do next.
Though I had a feeling that it wouldn’t end the way I thought.
But what I had with Beckham had to end.
I couldn’t do this again.
I couldn’t.
Chapter 9
Beckham
I was wrapping up packing the rest of my duffle when someone’s fist slammed on the door, and the doorbell rang a couple of times.
My spine stiffened, and I looked around for a weapon. Jesus Christ. Apparently, Cliff and Leonard had found me.
This was it. This was how it was going to end.
Because I didn’t actually have a weapon on me, only a knife from the kitchen.
And I wasn’t about to fight them.
I wasn’t that man anymore. I talked my way out of issues. In the time since I’d left, putting my hands on Cliff’s colors had been the only violent thing I’d done.
I refused to become that person again.
“Come on, Beck, open up.”
My shoulders dropped as I realized who it was.
The Connollys. The Connollys were here.
Okay, then. I could do this. Maybe. The whole keeping my past a secret and lying to them thing probably wasn’t the best. But I could deal.
At least, I hoped so.
They wouldn’t hurt me too badly. Maybe.
I stuffed the last of my things into the duffle bag and made my way to the front door.
I opened it, and the Connollys barreled through. All four of them. Well, apparently, Dillon was going to be a part of this, too. Perfect.
“I see you told the kid.”
Dillon raised a brow.
“You were almost in a biker fight in a bar. Of course they told me.”
“Dillon,” Cameron growled.
“What? I was worried. Can’t I be worried?”
I glared at all of them.
“I already quit. I know I owe you all an explanation. But I don’t know exactly what I need to say to you guys.”
And that was the crux of it. I didn’t know what to say. There was nothing that would put me in a good light. I didn’t deserve that anyway.
“You don’t get to quit,” Aiden snarled. “And no, Beckham, we’re not firing you either.”
I could only look at them, blinking. “But I have to go. I can’t stay.”
“Because they’ll find you?” Brendon asked, totally serious.
“I don’t fucking know. Jesus. Those guys at the bar? I used to run with them.”
“We figured that out,” Cameron said. “We were there, you know.”
I’d been so focused on Meadow, I hadn’t really thought of it.
“So, you were a biker? I thought you were a hipster.”
I looked at Dillon, who shrugged.
“Just trying to bring some levity to the situation, but I can tell that wasn’t the right thing to say. So why don’t you tell us what happened?”
Again, the kid was wise beyond his years. I didn’t want to tell them any of this, but I owed it to them.
So I’d tell them everything. Well, mostly. Some things I didn’t need to say. Ever.
Except to Meadow. If she asked, then I’d tell her.
“I used to be part of that club. I thought it was a family when I didn’t have one of my own. My parents skipped town when I was young, and I finished high school but didn’t do much after. You know, stupid shit.”
“Considering that our lives were comprised of mostly stupid shit before we moved in with the Connollys, I get you,” Aiden said dryly.
“Well, you ended up in a nice family. I ended up with a family that ran drugs.”
“Really?” Dillon asked.
Suddenly, the kid sounded his age. Sure, he was nineteen now, but he was still so innocent in some ways. Of course, he had been through more shit than I had until I joined the club, so maybe he wasn’t that innocent, after all.
“I didn’t care about anyone’s feelings. I did whatever I wanted. Did what I was told at the time when it came to the club business. Then they started moving into harsher things, and I didn
’t want to be a part of it anymore. I woke up with some girl in my lap that I didn’t remember, the guys all laughing around me about some shit, and I walked away. They’d drugged me and I hadn’t even known it had happened. They didn’t let me walk away freely, though,” I whispered.
I didn’t need to tell them that part.
They could probably guess what had happened.
The movies weren’t right, TV sure as hell wasn’t, but there was still violence in my world. Scars on my back because of what they’d burned from my body.
I wished I could have been in one of the good clubs, but we were definitely one of the bad ones. One that gave the others a bad name.
“Anyway, I walked away with nothing but the clothes on my back and the bike under me. And I’ve been sort of on the run ever since. Because once you’re in, you really don’t get to leave. Not unless they want you to go.”
“And you knew Meadow back then?” Aiden asked.
“I knew of her.”
They looked at me as if waiting for more, but I wouldn’t give it to them. Not when it wasn’t my secret to tell.
“But, yeah, I didn’t tell her where I came from or that I knew of her. So she didn’t know that I knew anything. She’s probably so fucking mad at me right now. She’ll never want to talk with me again.”
“And that’s why she ran.”
I looked at Brendon. “Yep. And I deserved that. I left the club because I had to. Because I didn’t want to be the person I’d become. When I came here, I thought I could stay for a while. And then Meadow showed up. It was like a part of my past came back, and I was trying to figure out what to do with it. I tried to stay away. But I didn’t. And now I don’t know what to do.”
“So you’re just leaving?” Dillon asked, and I looked up at him.
“I think I have to.”
“Will those guys come back?”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t think so. Cliff doesn’t have as much hold anymore after what he did. He had his group, but he was never the one who made decisions before. I figured that most of the guys knew where I was anyway. Knew I was out. And while I’ll always be a traitor to them, they’re not going to come and do anything violent to me.”
“Didn’t look like that last night,” Aiden said.
“True. But that was only Cliff. Did you notice? Trace was the only one who said anything other than him. They just walked out. The bar should be safe. And I’ll be okay. I hope.” I wouldn’t know for sure until something happened or didn’t, but there was nothing I could do about that. I hadn’t broken the law since I got out, and I wasn’t going to do it again.
I wasn’t a good person, or at least I hadn’t been back then. And I had been trying to pay my penance ever since. Attempting to become a better man.
But I had still lied to Meadow.
“I don’t know what I can say to Meadow. She wanted to be away from that, too. And I’m a constant reminder of what she left behind.”
“You need to grovel,” Dillon said, and we all looked at him.
I shook my head. “I can apologize, but I still need to keep away. I’m not good for her.”
“Bullshit,” Aiden said.
“Excuse me?” I asked.
“He’s right. Bullshit,” Cameron agreed. “You two are good for each other. You’re not as much of a fucking asshole as you used to be. You laugh more, and you actually join us sometimes. And you brought Meadow out of her shell. I see the way you two look at each other. You guys are happy.”
I just shook my head at Cameron.
“Maybe we were. But it was based on a lie.”
“Then fix it,” Dillon said.
“It’s not that easy, kid.”
“Nothing worth having is ever easy. All you guys taught me that. Hell, it’s a saying for a reason.”
“It might be a saying, but that doesn’t mean it’s a thing.”
“Oh, shut up.”
I stared at him.
“Find something worth fighting for. That’s the whole point of this life of ours. We all came from shit. All of us. And we pulled through. You did. No, you didn’t tell Meadow about your past. And that’s on you. So…fix it. Apologize. Grovel. Grovel hard. But fix it. You’re not going to know if she can forgive you unless you try. But if you walk away? You’ll likely hate yourself forever.”
I just looked at him along with the others, and then Brendon shook his head and started laughing. “How the hell did you get to be so wise?” Brendon asked.
“I don’t know. I listened to you guys, I guess. Sometimes you know what you’re doing.” The kid stuffed his hands into his pockets, and I rubbed my eyes.
“She’s not going to forgive me.”
“Like the kid said, you won’t know until you try,” Cameron whispered.
I looked at him and shrugged. “So I’m supposed to go to her and grovel, with no formal education, no job, and a past that is best left untold?”
“Well, first off, we’re not all products of our pasts. We’re allowed to have futures,” Aiden said, holding up one finger. Then he held up another. “Second, you still have a job. Like I said, you don’t get to quit.”
“I was already part of a place that didn’t let me quit,” I said wryly.
“See? You can joke about it. You’re fine.”
I shook my head at Cameron. “Really?”
“No. But we’re not going to fire you. We all have issues.”
“Believe us. We all have issues,” Brendon reiterated.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I whispered.
“None of us really do,” Dillon said sagely.
I swear. That kid.
“I have no idea how to grovel,” I said.
And then we all did the one thing we knew we could. We looked at Dillon. He rubbed his hands together and grinned.
“Okay, young padawans. Listen to Uncle Dillon. He’ll explain.”
Aiden snorted and smacked the kid upside the head playfully. Dillon beamed in response. I had a feeling that I was probably going to make another mistake. But doing what I did the way I did it had ruined everything. And the kid was right. I wouldn’t know until I tried. And I really wanted to try.
Chapter 10
Beckham
I stood outside Meadow’s door, hoping I was doing the right thing. I needed to apologize. I needed her to know that I was sorry. That I wished I had told her the truth. If she didn’t take me back, if she didn’t want me, I’d walk away. Because the error was on me.
And I had to be okay with that.
I had to be all right with walking away.
Even if I hated it.
The door opened before I could ring the bell, and she stood there, dark circles under her eyes and a shapeless sweatshirt over her body.
She looked beautiful. Stunning.
And I hoped to hell she forgave me. That she took me back. I just didn’t know if she would.
“I saw you on the security cam. Figured I’d open the door before you stood here forever.”
“I’m glad you have the security. It’s good for you.”
“I guess you knew the whole time why I have it. Didn’t you?” she asked, a little sharpness in her tone.
I deserved that. And more.
“I want to apologize.” I put my hands in my pockets as I looked at her, wanting to lower my shoulders so I didn’t feel so big.
I knew what the club guys were like. What I had been like. No. I wasn’t like them anymore. I had to remember that. And there had been worse.
Coby.
“Why don’t you come in? No use standing out on the porch where everyone can see.” She took a few steps in, and I followed her, hoping I’d figure out what to say.
I wasn’t good at groveling. I had never done it before. But I would try.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked.
“Because I didn’t know how.” I sighed. “And because I was a coward. I should have told you right away that I knew who you were. B
ut the thing was, I also wanted to know who you became. And that tripped me up. I’m sorry. I’ll always be sorry for that. There aren’t enough easy explanations to explain that away.”
“I thought I had hidden it so well. Where I came from and all of that. Because I don’t like the person I was back then.” She looked at me, and I felt a kinship there. I only hoped it was enough.
“I didn’t like the person I was either.”
“I used to laugh at the girls who came in, wanting to be on a man’s arm. Because I had mine. And that’s what I was supposed to do—laugh and make fun of them and feel superior. I was a horrible person.”
“I don’t believe that.”
She let out a laugh. “I wasn’t the worst. I never hurt anyone. I was never cruel to their faces. But I wasn’t the best person either. I’ve tried to be better since I left. I’ve tried to help anywhere I could. Bury who I became over time with the club. I thought I’d paid my penance for what I did.”
She touched the scar on her wrist, and then I remembered. I recalled the scars on her hip, the ones on her ankle.
“I don’t know everything, Meadow. I never did. Yes, I know who your dad is. And at one point, I knew you were with Coby. But I don’t know it all. I was never one of those people laughing at you from behind your back. I never knew everything. I wanted you to tell me,” I said softly.
“And you didn’t. I thought it was all behind me. I didn’t think I would ever have to think about it again. But then again, I didn’t tell you anything either.”
“If I had told you what I knew, then I would have had to tell you who I was. And I was ashamed of that.”
“My parents practically sold me to Coby,” she muttered.
My hands fisted at my sides, and I growled. “I figured. That’s how the clubs do things.”
“Well, it didn’t really work out. I got away. You saw the scars. You know who Coby was. What he was like.”
“And if I could strangle him right now, I would.”
“It wouldn’t be enough. But he’s in my past. And I’ve worked with therapists over the years to try and figure out exactly who I am. I’m not just a broken shell. I’m not the person I was. Yes, I’m quiet, but that’s because I think about what to say and how I need to be the person I am, rather than the person I was. I have all the locks and the security that I can get, but I’m not as scared as I used to be. I’m not that person anymore.”
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