by Anthology
“Your children love you so.”
Turning, he found himself staring into deep brown eyes that spoke of healing and hope. Samuel reached out a hand and saw it trembled. Rachel’s hair felt like fine silk as he sifted it through his fingers. Curls wrapped around his fingers like living, breathing vines. They drew him closer.
His other hand stroked her cheek. “You are so very beautiful.”
Rachel froze, her heart thundering so hard it threatened to break loose from her chest. “Mr. Stein, sir–” Her arms worked enough to get her shawl tighter around her shoulders. In doing so, her hand brushed the front of his open shirt, her knuckles grazing his skin. It felt warm and slightly damp. His labored breathing and the feral look in his eyes frightened and enthralled her at the same time.
“Samuel. Call me Samuel. Not proper, I know, but when has being proper ever been a part of my life?” One arm went around her waist while his other hand continued to caress her face. Her slightly parted lips invited him nearer. Moving forward, he lifted her chin with the tip of a finger to see her face. He trailed his finger over her full lower lip and knew he had to taste her.
When he lowered his mouth to hers, she didn’t move. She stood motionless as he gripped her waist, brought her against his chest. He touched her mouth with his—a whisper of lips. The kiss deepened, slowly, tenderly. The tip of his tongue traced her lips, asking them to part. She opened them on a sigh. Nothing had ever felt so wonderful as having this woman in his arms. She placed tentative hands on his waist.
“Yes, darling. Put your arms around me.”
Rachel obeyed, wrapping her arms around his waist and moving her palms up his back. She couldn’t seem to stop herself. Her hands glided over his broad, muscular shoulders and the warmth they exuded seeped into her. He held her tighter—one arm around her waist and one hand tangled in her hair, the palm cradling her head.
The kiss turned hard and seeking. He tasted of whiskey–warm and intoxicating.
Cold air hit her back and she realized he’d moved his hand. She wanted it around her again, holding her close to his chest. His hand came between their bodies and rested on the open spot in her nightrail between her breasts. Where had her shawl gone? The warmth of his palm against her bare skin bled deep into her body and she moaned into his mouth. Slowly that large, strong hand inched its way over until his fingers encircled her breast through the fabric of her gown.
“No...” Shoving against his chest as hard as she could, Rachel stumbled backwards. Retrieving her shawl from the floor, she wrapped it tightly around her shoulders. “No. This is wrong, Mr. Stein.”
Reaching a hand to her, he stepped forward. “Rachel, please, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to…” His heart broke when he saw her flinch at his proffered hand.
“I’ll have my things packed by morning. Only, let me say good-bye to the children before I leave.” The children. The thought of leaving those precious babies tore her heart in two–one half belonging to each of them.
“Don’t go. I swear it will never happen again.”
She wanted it to happen again, wanted more. She never knew anything could feel so wonderful. But, he was her employer and would never be anything more. She had to maintain her dignity. She’d not allow him to compromise her–no matter how badly she wanted him, how much she loved him. Leaving would resolve the issue.
“It’s for the best.” The anguish and pleading in his eyes caused her to look away before she relented.
Curling his outstretched hand into a fist, he dropped it to his side.
“As you wish, Miss Levine. I’ll have my carriage take you wherever you choose to go. If you need a letter of reference, I will be more than willing to write one.”
Rachel only nodded. Speaking would have betrayed the tears she fought to hide. She watched the only man she would ever love leave the room. Flickering candlelight brought her attention around. The glow haloed each child while they slept. Their breaths came even and soft, their hands open on their pillows in the trusting way of sleeping babes.
Rachel sank to the floor and wept.
~*~
He would be nothing if Rachel left. The void created would render him an empty husk, and eventually he’d break apart and blow away with the wind. He’d find enough time later to berate himself for his foolish behavior in trying to seduce her.
All sense had left him when the heat from her skin had come through the thin fabric of her nightrail and soaked into his chest. He wanted to lay in that warmth forever.
As he paced in his room, he ignored the muscles cramping in his leg. He’d been on it too long today and the damp, chill weather caused it to ache more than normal. Nothing mattered at this moment other than finding a way to keep Rachel by his side.
Eve and Joshua’s sweet faces passed through his mind. He squeezed his eyes shut so he couldn’t imagine their sad faces when they learned of Rachel’s leaving.
It came to Samuel in a sudden rush of lighted awareness. He knew what he had to do to keep his beloved Rachel with him.
“May we call you mama, please?” Rachel had barely arrived in the dining room to say good-bye to the children when they came running to her.
“What?” Baffled, she looked from one upturned face to the next. “Eve, Joshua, I have come to say—”
“That you have accepted my marriage proposal and can’t wait to become their mother.” Samuel swallowed a prayer that this would work.
Straightening her shoulders, Rachel avoided looking at him, at the children, at anything in the room except a woven flower on the rug while she tried to take in what she’d just heard.
The children wouldn’t allow her the luxury of catching her breath. Tugging on her skirts, they demanded her attention.
“You will be our mama now and forever.” Eve spread her tiny arms wide and spun in a circle.
“Children.” Sounding harsher than she’d intended, Rachel winced at the stunned expressions on their faces as they suddenly halted. She forced a smile, and gave them each a quick hug and said, “I need to speak with your father a moment. Run along to the kitchen and see if Cook has any Chanukah treats.”
Their joy back in place, they skipped out the door.
“Would you please explain yourself, sir?”
He didn’t miss the emphasis on the word, sir. “The children will be devastated if you leave. They’ve had so much loss in their young lives and since you refuse to stay on as their governess, I’ve decided to marry you.” It didn’t come out like he meant and sounded so much better when he’d rehearsed it last night.
“Marry me? A servant?” Shock framed her features.
“I don’t stand on formalities. You should know that by now, Rachel. I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks of the decisions I make.” Putting his hands behind his back, he stared at a spot somewhere over her head. “I was terribly out of line last night. I treated you with the utmost disrespect and the least I can do is make some kind of amends. Besides, my children love you so.”
Foolish, foolish girl. For one moment, she thought he might actually say he’d fallen in love with her as she had with him.
“I see. The merchants in town lock up their daughters at the thought of you, so I, a servant, who has never owned a new dress in her life, will be just fine to be mother to your children and share your bed?” That last should have made her blush, but she was beyond blushing now. He didn’t intend to make amends for his behavior of the previous evening, only to assuage his guilty conscience for handling her in a drunken state. She wanted to forget how it felt to be in his arms, how his lips felt upon hers, the things he’d awakened in her.
“No, Rachel, that isn’t what I meant, not at all.” He ran his hands through his hair. “Damn, this isn’t going at all how I’d planned.” Did he actually think this wonderful woman would fall into his arms and profess undying love after how he’d treated her all these months culminating in his assault on her? Yet he couldn’t forget how she felt in his arms. Her soft, warm bo
dy crushed to his chest, her sweet mouth open for his kisses. No, he couldn’t forget. Didn’t want to.
“We need to think of the children. They are all that matter.” He’d resorted to blackmailing her emotions—knew it and didn’t care. Desperate men employed desperate means. He watched her shoulders relax, seem to slump, and he knew he’d won. “I won’t touch you, Rachel, not ever. Not unless you want me.”
Yes, I want you to touch me, she wanted to cry out, but only said, “Fine, then. We shall marry. If only for the children.”
“Yes, if only for the children,” he echoed.
She stood there for the longest time, not moving, not breathing. Just stood and stared into his violet eyes. Those haunted eyes. He looked away first, turned his back and went to stare out the window. He stood tall and straight, with large, beautiful hands clasped behind his back.
At that moment her heart shattered, for she realized she would be wed—tied forever—to a man who could never love her.
~*~
Samuel ran his fingers through his hair and looked around the room at the guests, at their forced smiles while making strained conversation. The simple wedding had been mere formality as there was no marriage settlement between himself and her family. His eyes came to rest on his bride. She stared at him, the look in her eyes unreadable. He’d bullied her into marrying him, used her love for his children as a weapon against her. The means seemed to justify the end at the time. Now, overwhelming guilt washed over him.
This should be the most glorious day of her life, instead the room felt like someone had died and the guests sat Shiva as opposed to attending a wedding supper.
Was she as unhappy as he felt? He couldn’t take his eyes from her face, wondering what was going through her mind. They stood, staring at one another, neither making a move. Slowly, she made her way to her new husband
“Would you...” He swallowed and began again. “Would you care for something to eat?” That was the best he could think to say?
“I’m fine, Mr. Stein...Samuel.” She corrected her mistake.
A look passed over her face, behind her eyes. He thought she’d tried to hide it, but he saw it. “I promised you I would never force you to do anything you are not comfortable doing.” He hoped this would set her at ease, though he didn’t know how long his growing need for her would be put off.
“No. I wasn’t thinking about that. I mean...” She turned away. “Here, Samuel, we are married now. Let me prepare a plate for you.”
She hurried to the table laid with the feast before he could comment.
~*~
After the last of the guests departed, Rachel had no idea what to do next. Normally, she’d be getting the children ready for bed, but that had been taken care of this evening.
The air suddenly grew thick and heavy as Samuel moved behind her. She had no idea what to do, what to say. She wished she’d never agreed to this marriage–nothing about it seemed right. As long as she kept reminding herself she married Samuel for the children, then maybe she could manage.
“Would you like to go upstairs now?”
“What?” Rachel spun around, startled by the words.
“It is getting late. It has been a long day and I am sure you must be exhausted.” He stated his case matter-of-factly.
Samuel softened his tone before continuing. “I’ve arranged for your belongings to be moved to the room connected to mine.” He held up his hand before she could interrupt. “You may lock the door from your side if you still have trouble believing I will never force myself upon you. I wanted to spare you any embarrassment about our... arrangement...and so I thought I could, at the very least, make it look as though we have a real marriage.” A real marriage with Rachel–filled with love and respect. How he wished it were true.
Taking his bride by the elbow, he escorted her to the stairs. They reached the second floor and he guided her to their rooms.
Entering the bedroom, she saw a fire had been set and two glasses of wine had been placed on a table near the hearth. Samuel handed her a glass and took one for himself. She drank it quickly, too quickly, for she’d had very little to eat, and felt her legs begin to give way beneath her. Suddenly, she was lifted into the air by a pair of strong arms. Soft pillows greeted her head and she knew he’d laid her on the bed. He removed her shoes and pulled the coverlet around her.
The last thing she remembered, Samuel placed a soft kiss upon her brow and called her his ‘sweet wife.’ Surely, the latter must have been a dream.
~*~
March brought brisk winds to Charleston. Rachel normally loved this time of year best–when spring announced its arrival and the air smelled clean and crisp. This spring, she didn’t have her usual enthusiasm.
It had been three months since her marriage. Three months of putting on happy faces for the people who continued to wish them MazelTov. Three months of retiring for the evening together, only to sleep in separate rooms. Three months of family and staff staring at her belly, wondering when she would be with child.
The pretense exhausted her and she didn’t know how much more she could handle before she broke down. In private, they acted polite to the point of utter frustration. Short of screaming at him to stop being so civil, she didn’t know what to do. She almost preferred when she’d been the governess and he the master and he’d yell at her for the tiniest infraction. At least then he showed some emotion.
Yet, at certain times he’d smile and she knew he meant it for her. Times when their hands reached for the same dish at a meal and their fingers touched. And she didn’t think it her imagination when he let his fingers rest against hers just a moment longer than necessary.
“Mama! Mama!” The children came running into the room, calling for her in unison.
“Hello, my darlings.” She bent and gathered them close. Her heart sang knowing they thought of her as their mother. “Shall we go outside and look at the beautiful trees in bloom?”
Eve and Joshua looked one to the other, their small faces solemn. They turned and looked at Rachel–eyes wide and serious.
“Dear hearts. Whatever is the matter?” She knelt, her hands rubbing their arms.
“Do married people never look happy?” Joshua’s innocent question sent a sigh through Rachel. Children perceived a lot more than they received credit for, and she knew sooner or later they would notice the strain between her and their father.
Standing, she took each child by the hand and led them to the settee. They sat, folded their little hands in their laps and waited for her answer. She inhaled a deep breath, looked heavenward for strength, though knowing she’d have to handle this on her own.
“You see, my loves, oftentimes when a man and a woman get married—”
“It’s my fault, really.” They turned to find Samuel standing in the library doorway. “I was so excited to marry your new mama that I didn’t wait until I had finished conducting some important business.” He crossed the room and sat down on the settee, drawing each child onto his lap. “I’ve been much too busy with business and have ignored you two and my beautiful bride.”
With that last, he turned a warm smile on her. The sun couldn’t rival the light emanating from his beautiful face and especially those violet eyes. Did she dare hope? Maybe he really did have feelings for her.
“All that will change as of today. No more business for a while. I am at the bidding of my two wonderful children and my lovely wife.”
The children squealed with delight. Samuel stood, never taking his eyes from Rachel. Hoping she’d see the promise in them. Tentatively, he reached out a hand to help her stand. Just as tentatively, she put her hand in his. He closed his fingers around hers and something inside him unraveled. Something tight, ugly and black that he hadn’t even realized he’d been carrying in his heart and soul for a very long time. A light filled him and he knew it belonged to Rachel. A light reaching from her soul into his—filling him with happiness and peace.
He’d been such a fool.
Could he undo the damage he’d done by not being honest with her? By telling her what she really meant to him? Whatever it took, he meant to try.
“Come wife,” he said, his voice soft and low. “Shall we take our children to play outside on this glorious March day?”
The sun shone brightly in a cloudless sky. A gentle breeze drifted through the trees, carrying the fresh clean scent of renewal. Samuel brought a hamper of food. Rachel sat on a quilt on the lawn arranging the repast.
Eve and Joshua played tag, their once silent voices raised in joyous sound, their faces glowing with renewed joy.
Rachel called them for lunch and they fell atop the quilt in a laughing, tired heap. After feasting on the wonderful meal, the children fell asleep—Joshua comfortable in Rachel’s lap and Eve curled near Samuel, her head on his thigh.
“Thank you for this wonderful day.” Rachel smiled.
The late afternoon wind picked up, sending curls into her eyes. She lifted a hand to clear her vision and her hand collided with that of her husband’s larger one.
“Here, let me.” He gently brushed the hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear. “I’ve been wanting to do that for the longest time.”
Rachel turned her face into his hand and laid a kiss on his palm. Realizing what she’d done, she yanked away. “I’m sorry,” she stammered. “I had no right to be so forward.”
“You have every right, sweet Rachel. You are my wife.” He rubbed the spot she’d kissed with his fingers, wanting to contain the feeling of her soft lips on his palm forever. Leaning toward her, he cupped the back of her neck, holding her steady. With their lips inches apart, he hesitated only a moment, breathing in her scent. Slowly, he touched his lips to hers, a chaste kiss, a gentle brushing of lips.
Leaning back, his hand now on her shoulder, she looked directly at him, her face flushed and her lips slightly parted as if in anticipation of more. How he wanted to give her so much more. Instead, he rubbed his hand down her arm until he caught her hand in his. He wanted to go slowly so as not to frighten her–the memory of that awful night in the nursery still fresh in his mind. Today was a promising start.