Terrence was a little miffed when I told him what I’d done with Joe. I made it sound like Joe got the job because he could drive. But honestly? There are still some things about our family that I hope Terrence never sees. I don’t want that much of our history to be there whenever he looks at me. I want him to be part of what comes after, not what came before.
(Who knows? Maybe Patch will be like that for you.)
* * *
—
So, last thoughts: What’s unnerving me now, what’s making me upset, isn’t what I’ve done—it’s the uncertainty of what comes next. I’m exhausted, Bea. Completely exhausted. But of course I had to tell you all this before I went to bed.
Right now, you’re the only family I have.
Subject: Family
From: Bea
To: Ezra
Date: Wed 24 Apr 23:22 CST
Dear Ezra,
This is your big sister. Everything is going to be okay. More soon. I love you.
Love,
Me
Subject: Apology from Bea
From: Bea
To: [email protected]
Date: Thurs 25 Apr 00:01 CST
Dear Joe,
I don’t know how to start this email, so here goes. Thank you for being on Ezra’s team. It means a lot to him and a lot to me. You’ve been a really good friend to both of us, even though I haven’t always been the friend you deserve.
Which brings me to:
I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I left without a word. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m good now, but I had to get out for reasons you may or may not understand. Trouble at home. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it when we were together.
I should have been honest with you about a lot of things. And I never should have stayed with you just because of your accident. You deserve more.
Love,
Bea
Subject: From Bea
From: Bea
To: [email protected]
Date: Thurs 25 Apr 00:14 CST
Hi Terrence,
Thank you for standing up for Ez. I know you didn’t do it for me, but I want to tell you how much I appreciate it. All of it. I’m overdue in thanking you for all you and your parents are doing for him. I know you were never my biggest fan, but there was a lot we couldn’t tell anyone. Not you, not Joe. I hope you understand that and never hold it against Ez. From what I know of you through him, you never would. You’re lucky to have each other.
And you’re lucky to have nice parents who use words for something other than threats or comments about what a letdown you are as a human. I’m guessing they don’t believe in hitting either.
Gratefully yours,
Bea x
Subject: from your old best friend
From: Bea
To: [email protected]
Date: Thurs 25 Apr 00:36 CST
Sloane,
Yes, it’s me. Bea. A voice from beyond the grave.
I want to say I’m sorry I left the way I did and I’m sorry for not telling you I was leaving. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you a lot of other things too.
I hope you’re okay. No hard feelings about Joe. No hard feelings at all. Life’s too short.
xx
Bea
Subject: from your daughter
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: Thurs 25 Apr 01:03 CST
Dear Anne,
This is your daughter.
Beatrix Ellen Ahern, just to remind you in case you’ve forgotten.
I’m the one who lived with you for eighteen years and recently left you and Darren and the hell home you created together. The daughter you never thought would amount to much. The one you gave up on years ago.
I’m not sure why you gave up on me. Maybe it was me, although it’s hard to imagine giving up on a five-year-old. That’s how far back the memories go. You being disappointed. You being angry. You giving me the cold shoulder. You freezing me out for hours and then days. You telling me just how disappointing I was. Telling me everything you’d done for me, and this is how I thank you. When I was five. And too young to know how to make you happy.
Or.
Maybe it was you. Maybe you just weren’t meant to be a mother. Didn’t you tell me that more than once? I never should’ve had kids.
Not that I want to wish away my own existence, but I’m going to have to agree with you. You never should have had them.
It has come to my attention that once upon a time you wanted me enough to take me from my father, who apparently didn’t want me, but then later changed his mind and did, or so he said. And then you had Ezra and our dad eventually found out, but by then you apparently wanted us so badly you changed my name and our last name and hid us away and refused to let him have any sort of relationship with his children. Or maybe it wasn’t about us? Maybe it was about him? Maybe you were just punishing him for not wanting me in the first place.
Either way, and whatever reason you may have had, it completely and utterly sucks. You think you know who you are for all of your life and suddenly you learn you’re someone else with a different name and a dad who was good, and that you could have had this completely different life. Which is something you’ve literally dreamed about forever—a different life. Any life other than the one you have.
We could have had that, Ezra and me. We deserved to know our dad. He died last year. He looked for us but now we’ll never get to know him. If you didn’t want us, why couldn’t you have let us stay with him? We could have lived with him, a person who actually wanted us, and loved you from afar.
Anytime you want to start being a mom, be my guest. Not for me—that ship has sailed—but for Ezra, your son.
Sincerely,
Madelyn Sierra Wooster
p.s. This email address will self-destruct in twenty-four hours. I don’t expect you to write back. I don’t need you to write back. I wrote this to let you know how I feel.
Subject: from the all-knowing Martha
From: Bea
To: [email protected]
Date: Thurs 25 Apr 11:14 CST
Dear Patch:
Thank you for being on my side when I needed it most. At the risk of sounding sappy, you’ll never know how much that means to me.
Don’t let that go to your head.
Anyway, I’ll see you later tonight so I’ll keep this brief. I just had to say that. And also this:
Life is short. It’s too short to try to make other people happy by living their dreams. Trust me on this. As you know, in addition to being extraordinarily hot, I’m wise beyond my years, and I know this from experience. Not the dreams part, because I never really had any of those until now, but the trying-to-make-other-people-happy part. Here’s the thing about trying to make them happy—the people who want you to make them happy usually aren’t happy people to begin with. If they’re asking you to do something you don’t want to do, something that’s not really in you, they’re only going to be happy for like a minute before they find something else they need you to do for them.
As someone once told me, if you don’t like your life, change it. Stop bitching and be the change you want to see in the world. You’re made for bigger things.
Why not just say, Hey, Dad, I love you, and I know you want me to play basketball, but it would make me miserable. The way I look at it, it’s him or you in this case, and sometimes you’ve got to choose you.
End of lecture.
Oh, and by the way, you snore. You say you don’t, but you do. Loudly.
It’s okay, though. It makes you a little less perfect and a little less handsome
, and therefore easier to be around.
See you soon.
Love,
Bea (aka the person formerly known as Martha) xx
Subject: from your disappearing friend Bea Ahern
From: Bea
To: [email protected]
Date: Thurs 25 Apr 13:28 CST
Dear Franco:
I’m sorry I left like I did. You and Irene are the nicest people I’ve ever known, and all you’ve done is show me kindness at the time I needed it most. But then I guess we all need kindness, no matter what we’re going through. So it’s not that your kindness was only because you felt sorry for this poor, lost girl, it was because that’s who you are.
I’m writing to let you know I’m okay. And to ask if I could come back to work for you. I would also love to rent my old room again, if it’s available, but I understand if you don’t feel like taking another chance on an employee and tenant who didn’t say goodbye. No hard feelings if you can’t do it. I will always be grateful to you for everything you’ve done for me.
But I am going to stay in St. Louis. And I would like to save money for college. This may be a long shot, but I’m not going to think about the things I might not be able to do. That’s something I’ve been told all my life—what I can’t do. I’m ready to see what I can do.
Your friend,
Bea
Subject: graduation and school-related questions from
Beatrix Ahern
From: Bea
To: [email protected]
Date: Thurs 25 Apr 13:54 CST
Dear Vice Principal Southerly:
To answer your question, yes, there has been trouble at home. There has been trouble at home for many, many years. This doesn’t excuse the fact that I left school several weeks ago, but that trouble at home is one of the primary reasons for my absence.
I know we are three weeks away from graduation, and I’ve missed more time than that, but I wanted to find out if there is a chance of making up that work. If there is, do I reach out to my teachers directly or is that something you would do? If it’s too late for me to graduate with my class, is there a summer school option? Or would you recommend that I take the GED? I’ve already taken the SAT.
Any information you can send me would be amazing. I’m actually thinking about applying to college, and I want to figure out what I need and if this is really, truly a possibility for me.
All my life I’ve been told I’d never amount to anything. Almost everyone I know has written me off. That’s not an excuse, but it’s the truth. And I think I wrote myself off too. But I’m not doing that anymore.
One last thing. If you had your suspicions that trouble existed at home—which apparently you did—Ezra and I would have appreciated your support. We can’t be the only students you’ve ever met with rotten parents and rotten home lives, but hopefully next time you’ll trust your instincts and press harder, dig deeper, and refuse to give up until you find out what’s really going on.
Sincerely,
Beatrix Ahern
Subject: update from your sister
From: Bea
To: LONDON WOOSTER
Date: Thurs 25 Apr 14:12 CST
Dear London,
Thanks for showing me your house the other day and for introducing me to your mom. Please tell her thank you too.
So it looks like I’m staying in St. Louis for a while. It’s going to take me some time to adjust to being here, as in being here, an actual Missouri resident, and I’m not sure how often we can see each other. I don’t want to cut you out of my life, but this whole thing has turned my life upside down and I just don’t know how much I can do right now or how much I’ll be able to do down the road. I’m not sure what exactly you want from me, but I have to decide what I can do and what I can’t do. I want to be honest with you because if we’re going to have any sort of relationship, that’s important.
I promise not to disappear completely, though.
And who knows? Maybe we’ll meet again at the turtle park.
Sending you a hug and one for your mom. You’re a good kid and whatever happens, I’m glad I met you.
Love,
Bea
Subject: from Madelyn
From: Bea
To: Bea
Date: Thurs 25 Apr 14:51 CST
Dear Dad:
I would never have given up on you. I know that’s easy for me to say, but it’s true. I’m sorry you gave away your rights to us but thank you for trying to find Ezra and me, at least for a while. I hope your life was happy. I hope you loved Amelia and that she loved you, and that you really were as good a dad as London says.
I wish I’d gotten to know you, but I guess I got to know you a little and that’s something.
Don’t worry about Ezra and me. We’re good. In spite of everything we’ve been through and everything we’re dealing with, in spite of Darren and Mom and our whole shitty childhood, we’re going to be fine. We really are. I believe that now.
We’re going to be fucking great.
Love,
Bee
Subject: Dear Madelyn
From: Bea
To: Bea
Date: Thurs 25 Apr 15:22 CST
Dear Madelyn:
I see you.
I am you.
But not you.
Because I’m me. The me who doesn’t remember the father you had. The me who lived with Mom all these years and never knew anyone ever cared about finding me or that I was even lost at all.
Maybe I’m still lost.
Or maybe I’m not.
Maybe I’m right where I should be. And maybe I wouldn’t have gotten here if all these things hadn’t happened, if I hadn’t been lost and then found, lost and then found.
Okay, I’m not usually this poetic. But you get the picture.
I’m sorry your mom stole you, but if I hadn’t lived the life I did—my life, not yours—I wouldn’t be this me.
And actually? This me isn’t bad. In fact, I like her.
For the first time ever, I really like her.
Love,
Bea
Subject: Family
From: Bea
To: Ezra
Date: Thurs 25 Apr 18:01 CST
Dear Ez:
As I said, it’s all going to be okay. You’re going to be okay, and I’m going to be okay, and we’re going to be okay. I know you’re exhausted and I know you’re uncertain. I am too. But I’m also really fucking proud of us for getting out of there and away from Mom and Darren. That’s not easy to do, and it’s not something we can do alone, much as we hate needing other people.
I’m going to stay here in St. Louis. I’m terrified and excited and I have no fucking clue what’s going to happen. But at least I’m deciding for myself.
If you need me, I can come back. Literally, I will get on a bus and be there. Just say the word. Or you can come here. I’ll always have a place for you. This is not me saying goodbye. It’s me deciding for myself.
I’ve written to Mom. It ended up being a little less angry than expected, but I laid it out there. I haven’t heard from her, but I didn’t expect to. Sometimes you just need to say it.
I’m also talking to Southerly about making up my classes so that maybe, just maybe, I can graduate. I’m moving back into Franco’s, and my address will be:
Beatrix Ahern
c/o Franco’s Italian Market
5183 Wilson Avenue
St. Louis, MO 63110
I was also able to buy a burner phone. Maybe we could talk? The number is 314-5
55-2322. Oh, and I have a new email: [email protected]. You can use that one from now on or you can use this one. I won’t get rid of it because I’m kind of attached to it now. It’s been my lifeline to you.
I love you, Ez. You are my family and the most important person to me in this world.
Oh, and one more thing.
It’s wonderful when someone else sees you, the real you, but—and this may be the most profound thing I’ve ever thought or said—maybe the important thing is seeing yourself.
My vision has always been clouded by how others saw me—Mom, Darren, Joe, Sloane, my teachers. It’s easy to start seeing yourself as others do, to believe the reflection they paint for you, but for the first time ever I’m looking at myself. Who is Bea? She’s funny and smart. Smarter than she ever thought. She’s resourceful and resilient and she can figure things out on her own. She can be a hard worker. She can be sexy. (Sorry you had to hear that, Ez, but it’s true.) She actually has a good laugh. She likes to laugh. She wants to learn. She wants to be a good sister. She wants to be a kind person who helps others. She doesn’t want to be an island all to herself. She wants to be able to cry and have someone tell her it’s going to be okay, even if she doesn’t need them to.
For the first time, I like what I see.
Take Me With You When You Go Page 20