Codger. Mr. Dabler, Madam, is not a competent judge of the case, as —
Dabler. [Rising.] Not a judge, sir? Not a judge of poetry?
Codger. Not in the present circumstance, sir, because, as I was going to say —
Dabler. Nay then, sir, I’m sure I’m a judge of nothing!
Codger. That may be, sir, but is not to the present purpose; I was going —
Dabler. Suppose, sir, we refer to the ladies? Pray, now, ladies, which do you think the most adequate judge of poetry, Mr. Codger, or your humble servant? Speak sincerely, for I hate flattery.
Mrs. Sapient. I would by no means be so ill bred as to determine for Mr. Dabler in the presence of Mr. Codger, because I have always thought that a preference of one person implies less approbation of another; yet —
Codger. Pray, madam, let me speak; the reason, I say —
Mrs. Sapient. Yet the well-known skill of Mr. Dabler in this delightful art —
Codger. Madam, this interruption is somewhat injudicious, since it prevents my explaining —
Mrs. Sapient. [Rising.] Injudicious, sir? I am sorry, indeed, if I have merited such an accusation: there is nothing I have more scrupulously endeavoured to avoid, for, in my opinion, to be injudicious is no mark of an extraordinary understanding.
Lady Smatter. [Aside to Dabler.] How soon she’s hurt!
Dabler. O most unreasonably!
Codger. Madam, you will never hear me out; you prevent my explaining the reason, I say, why Mr. Dabler cannot decide upon Lady Smatter’s error in judgement —
Lady Smatter. [Rising.] Error in judgement? Really this is very diverting!
Codger. I say, madam —
Lady Smatter. Nay, sir, ’tis no great matter; & yet, I must confess, it’s rather a hard case that, after so many years of intense study, & most laborious reading, I am not allowed to criticize a silly line of Pope.
Dabler. And if I, who, from infancy have devoted all my time to the practice of poetry, am now thought to know nothing of the matter, — I should be glad to be informed who has a better title?
Mrs. Sapient. And if I, who, during my whole life, have made propriety my peculiar study, am now found to be deficient in it, — I must really take the liberty to observe that I must have thrown away a great deal of time to very little purpose.
Lady Smatter. And as to this line of Pope —
Enter a Servant.
Servant. Mr. Censor, my lady, begs to speak to your Ladyship for only two minutes upon business of consequence.
Dabler. Censor? Suppose we admit him? — [Aside.] ‘Twill be an admirable opportunity to show him my epigram.
Lady Smatter. Admit him? What, to ask his opinion of Mr. Codger’s critical annotations?
Codger. My doubt, madam, is, if you will give him time to speak it.
Lady Smatter. Well, is it agreeable to ye all that Mr. Censor should have admittance? I know it is contrary to rule, yet, as he is one of the wits, & therefore ought to be among us, suppose we indulge him?
Codger. Madam, I vote against it.
Dabler. [Aside to Lady Smatter.] I see he’s afraid of him, — let’s have him by all means.
Lady Smatter. Without doubt. Pray, Mr. Codger, why are you against it?
Codger. Because, madam, there are already so many talkers that I cannot be heard myself.
Dabler. [Aside to Lady Smatter.] You see how it is?
Lady Smatter. Yes, & enjoy it of all things. Desire Mr. Censor to walk up stairs. [Exit Servant.] To be sure this is rather a deviation from the maxims of the society, but great minds, as a favourite author of mine observes, are above being governed by common prejudices.
Codger. I am thinking, madam, —
Enter Censor.
Lady Smatter. Mr. Censor, your entrance is most critically fortunate; give me leave to present you to our society.
Censor. I expected to have seen your Ladyship alone.
Lady Smatter. Yes, but I have obtained a dispensation for your admittance to our Esprit Party. But let us not waste our time in common conversation. You must know we are at present discussing a very knotty point, & I should be glad of your opinion upon the merits of the cause.
Dabler. Yes; & as soon as that is decided, I have a little choice piece of literature to communicate to you which I think you will allow to be tolerable.
Mrs. Sapient. And I, too, sir, must take the liberty to appeal to your judgement concerning —
Censor. Ay, ay, speak all at a time, & then one hearing may do.
Lady Smatter. Mr. Censor, when a point of the last importance is in agitation, such levity as this —
Censor. Why, madam, the business which brings me hither —
Dabler. Business? O name not the word in this region of fancy & felicity.
Mrs. Sapient. That’s finely said, Mr. Dabler, & corroborates with an opinion of mine which I have long formed, — that business & fancy should be regarded as two things.
Censor. Ay, madam, & with one of mine which I hold to be equally singular.
Mrs. Sapient. What is it, sir?
Censor. That London & Paris should be regarded as two places.
Mrs. Sapient. Pshaw!
Codger. [To Lady Smatter.] I say, madam, I am thinking —
Censor. Then, sir, you are most worthily employed; & this good company desire nothing less than to impede the progress of your thoughts, by troubling you to relate them.
Dabler. Very true; suppose, therefore, we change the subject. O, apropos, have you seen the new verses that run about?
Censor. No. [Turning to Lady Smatter.] Give me leave, madam, to acquaint you with the motive of my present visit. —
Lady Smatter. You would not be such a Goth as to interrupt our literary discussions? — besides, I must positively have your sentiments upon an argument I have just had with Mr. Codger upon this line of Pope:
Most women —
Censor. Hold, madam; I am no Quixote, & therefore encounter not danger where there is no prospect of reward; nor shall I, till I emulate the fate of Orpheus, ever argue about women — in their presence.
Dabler. Ha, Ha! Mighty well said. But I was going to tell you, Mr. Censor, that if you have any desire to look at those verses I was speaking of, I believe I have a copy of them in my pocket. Let’s see, — yes, here they are; how lucky that I should happen to have them about me! [Gives them to Censor.] [Aside.] I think they will surprise him.
Censor. [Reading.]
That passion which we strongest feel
We all agree to disapprove;
Yet feebly, feebly we conceal —
Dabler. [Pettishly.] Sir, you read without any spirit, —
Yet feebly, — feebly we conceal
You should drop your voice at the second feebly, or you lose all the effect. [Aside.] It puts me in a fever to hear such fine lines murdered.
Censor. [Reading.] We all are bound slaves to self love.
Dabler. [Snatching the paper.] Why, you give it neither emphasis nor expression! You read as if you were asleep. [Reading.]
That passion which —
Censor. O no more, no more of it. Pray, who is the author?
Dabler. Why, really I — I don’t absolutely know, — but, by what I have heard, I should take it to be somebody very — very clever.
Censor. You should?
Dabler. Yes: &, indeed, to own the truth, I have heard it whispered that it is a posthumous work of — of — O, of Gay, — ay, of Gay.
Censor. Of Gay?
Dabler. Yes; found in a little corner of his private bureau.
Censor. And pray who has the impudence to make such an assertion?
Dabler. Who? — o, as to that, really I don’t know who in particular, — but I assure you not me, — though, by the way, do you really think it very bad?
Censor. Despicable beyond abuse. Are you not of the same opinion?
Dabler. Me? — why, really, as to that — I — I can’t exactly say, — that is, I have hardly read it. — [A
side.] What a crabbed fellow! There is not an ounce of taste in his whole composition. Curse me, if I was Nature, if I should not blush to have made him. Hold, my tablets! A good thought that! I’ll turn it into a lampoon, & drop it at Stapletons’.
[Walks aside & writes in his tablets.
Censor. [To Lady Smatter.] I have seen Miss Stanley, madam, & —
Lady Smatter. Did you find her at Mrs. Voluble’s?
Censor. Yes. [They whisper.]
Mrs. Sapient. [Listening. Aside.] So, so, she’s at Mrs. Voluble’s! — there must certainly be some design upon Dabler.
Censor. But hear me, madam. I have something to communicate to you which —
Lady Smatter. Not now, I can attend to nothing now. These evenings, sir, which I devote to the fine arts, must not be contaminated with common affairs.
Mrs. Sapient. [Aside.] I shan’t rest till I have dived into this matter. [To Lady Smatter.] I am much chagrined, madam, at the disagreeable necessity I am under of breaking abruptly from this learned & ingenious assembly, but I am called hence by an appointment which I cannot give up without extreme rudeness; & I must confess I should be rather sorry to be guilty of that, as I have long been of opinion that a breach of good manners — is no great sign of politeness.
Lady Smatter. I am quite sorry to lose you so soon.
[Exit Mrs. Sapient.
What a tiresome creature! How glad I am she’s gone!
Codger. Notwithstanding the rebuff I have just met with, madam, I must say I cannot help thinking that —
Censor. Do you mean, sir, to satirize the whole company, that you thus repeatedly profess thinking among those who have no other aim than talking?
Codger. Sir, when a man has been pondering upon a subject for a considerable time, & assorting his ideas in order to explain himself, it is an exceedingly uncivil thing to interrupt him.
Lady Smatter. Mr. Dabler, what are you writing?
Dabler. Only a little memorandum, ma’am, about business; nothing more.
Codger. [Aside.] I find I can never get in two words at a time.
Enter Jack.
Jack. Ma’am, your Ladyship’s most obedient.
Lady Smatter. Why did not you come sooner, Jack? — we are just broke up.
Jack. I could not help it, upon my word. I came away now just as my tea was poured out at the coffee house, because I would not stay to drink it.
Codger. [Aside.] I’m glad Jack’s come; I think, at least, I shall make him listen to me.
Jack. I have been in such a hurry the whole day, that I have never known what I have been about. I believe I have been to sixteen places since dinner. You good folks who sit here talking by the hour together, must lead strange dull lives; I wonder you don’t lose the use of your limbs.
Codger. Son Jack, when you have finished your speech, please to hear one of mine.
Jack. I hope it won’t be a long one, sir.
Codger. Why do you hope that, son, before you know how well it may entertain you?
Jack. Lord, sir, I never think of being entertained with speeches.
Codger. What, Jack, not with your own father’s?
Jack. Lord no, sir.
Codger. No, sir? And pray, sir, why?
Jack. Because I’m always tired before they’re half done.
Codger. Son Jack, ’tis these loose companions that you keep that teach you all this profligacy. Tired of hearing me speak! One would think the poor lad was an idiot.
Jack. So this is your Club Room, where you all meet to talk?
Censor. Yes; & the principal maxim of the learned members is that no one shall listen to what is said by his neighbour.
Lady Smatter. Fie, Mr. Censor, I’m sure we’re all attention —
Censor. Yes, to seize the next opportunity of speaking.
Lady Swatter. Never mind what Mr Censor says, Jack, for you know he is a professed Stoic.
Censor. Stoic? Pray, what does your Ladyship mean?
Lady Smatter. Well, well, Cynic, then, if you like it better.
Censor. You hold, then, that their signification is the same?
Lady Smatter. Mercy, Mr. Censor, do you expect me to define the exact meaning of every word I make use of?
Censor. No, madam, not unless I could limit your Ladyship’s language to the contents of a primer.
Lady Smatter. O horrid! Did you ever hear any thing so splenetic? Mr. Dabler, what are you writing? Suppose, in compliment to our new member, you were to indulge us with a few lines?
Dabler. Does your Ladyship mean an extempore?
Lady Smatter. The thing in the world I should like best.
Dabler. Really, ma’am, I wish for nothing upon earth so much as the honour of your Ladyship’s commands, — but as to an extempore — the amazing difficulty, — the genius requisite, — the masterly freedom, — the — the — the things of that sort it requires make me half afraid of so bold an undertaking.
Censor. Sir, your exordium is of sufficient length.
Dabler. I shall but collect my thoughts, & be ready in a moment. In the mean time, I beg I may not interrupt the conversation; it will be no manner of disturbance to me to hear you all talking; we poets, ma’am, can easily detach ourselves from the company.
[Walks apart.
Censor. I should be glad if your Ladyship would inform me what time, according to the established regulations of your society, you allow for the study of extemporary verses?
Lady Smatter. I think we have no fixed rule; some are quick, & some are slow,— ’tis just as it happens.
Censor. [Aside.] What unconscious absurdity!
While they are speaking, Dabler privately looks at a paper, which he accidentally drops instead of putting in his pocket.
Dabler. [Advancing.] I hope I have not detained you long?
Lady Smatter. Is it possible you can be ready so soon?
Dabler. O dear yes, ma’am; these little things are done in a moment; they cost us nothing.
In one sole point agree we all,
Both rich & poor, & saint & sinner,
Proud or humble, short or tall, —
And that’s — a taste for a good dinner.
Lady Smatter. O charming! I never heard any thing so satirical in my life.
Censor. And so, sir, you composed these lines just now?
Dabler. This very moment.
Censor. It seems, then, you can favour your friends whenever they call upon you?
Dabler. O yes, sir, with the utmost pleasure.
Censor. I should be obliged to you, then, sir, for something more.
Dabler. Sir, you do me honour. I will but take an instant for consideration, & endeavour to obey you. [Aside.] So, so! — I thought I should bring him round at last!
[Walking away.
Censor. Stay, sir. As you make these verses with so much facility, you can have no objection, I presume, to my choosing you a subject?
Dabler. Sir!
Censor. And then with firmer courage your friends may counter-act the skepticism of the envious, & boldly affirm that they are your own, & unstudied.
Dabler. Really, sir, as to that, I can’t say I very much mind what those sort of people say; we authors, sir, are so much inured to illiberal attacks, that we regard them as nothing, — mere marks, sir, of celebrity, & hear them without the least emotion.
Censor. You are averse, then, to my proposal?
Dabler. O dear no, sir! — not at all, — not in the least, I assure you, sir! [Aside.] I wish he was in the deserts of Libya with all my Heart!
Censor. The readiness of your compliance, sir, proves the promptness of your wit. I shall name a subject which, I believe, you will find no difficulty to dilate upon, — self-sufficiency.
Dabler. Sir?
Censor. Self-sufficiency, — don’t you understand me?
Dabler. Really, sir, in regard to that, I don’t exactly know whether I do or not, but I assure you if you imagine that I am self-sufficient, you are most prodigiously mistaken;
I defy any body to charge me with that, for though I have written so many things that have pleased every body else, I have always made it a rule to keep my own opinion to myself. Even Mr. Codger must, in this point, do me justice. Will you not, sir?
Codger. Sir, I shall say nothing. [Folds his arms, and leans upon the table.]
Censor. Well, sir, I will give you another subject, then, for of this, I must own, you might long since have been weary. I will not affront you by naming so hackneyed a theme as Love, but give us, if you please, a spirited couplet upon War.
Dabler. Upon War? — hum — let’s see, — upon War, — ay, — but hold! Don’t you think, sir, that War is rather a disagreeable subject where there are ladies? For myself I can certainly have no objection, but, I must confess, I am rather in doubt whether it will be quite polite to Lady Smatter.
Jack. Why Lord, Mr. Dabler, a man might ride ten times round Hyde Park before you are ready to begin.
Dabler. Sir, you don’t know what you talk of; things of this importance are not to be settled rashly.
Censor. Mr. Dabler, I will give you an opportunity of taking your revenge; let your verses be upon the use & abuse of time, & address them, if you please, to that gentleman.
Jack. Ay, with all my heart. He may address what he will to me, so as he will not keep me long to hear him.
Dabler. Time, did you say? — the use & the abuse of time? — ay, very good, a very good subject, — Time? — yes, a very good idea, indeed! — the use & the abuse of time, — [Pauses.] But pray, sir, pray, Mr. Censor, let me speak a word to you; are you not of opinion — now don’t imagine this is any objection of mine, no, I like the subject of all things, — it is just what I wished, — but don’t you think that poor Mr. Codger, here, may think it is meant as a sneer at him?
Censor. How so, sir?
Dabler. Why, sir, on account of his being so slow. And really, notwithstanding his old fashioned ways, one would not wish to affront him, poor man, for he means no harm. Besides, sir, his age! — consider that; we ought all to make allowances for the infirmities of age. I’m sure I do, — poor old soul!
Censor. Well, sir, I shall name but one subject more, & to that if you object, you must give me leave to draw my own inference from your backwardness, & to report it accordingly.
Dabler. Sir, I shall be very — I shall be extremely — that is, sir, I shall be quite at your service. [Aside.] What a malignant fellow!
Complete Works of Frances Burney Page 365