by James Carol
‘Alice!’ she screamed again. ‘Put the lights on. Please . . .’
Still nothing. Nikki was hugging her knees tighter than ever, pulling them so close to her body it actually caused her pain, and that pain was good because it was something other than this infinite darkness that seemed intent on crushing her until she ceased to exist.
The lights came back on as suddenly as they had gone off. The Attenborough documentary was back on the monitor and the Eminem track had started playing again without missing a beat. Nikki was in a foetal ball on the treadmill, her heart still beating its way out through her chest, her face wet with tears.
‘Are you all right, Nikki?’
‘No, I’m not all right,’ she snapped. ‘What happened?’
‘The pool pump malfunctioned and tripped the basement circuit breaker. I’ve isolated that circuit so it won’t happen again. I’m also talking to the company that installed the pool to arrange for a workman to come out and fix the pump.’
‘How long does it take to reset a circuit breaker?’ The fear and panic was easing, replaced by anger. ‘And turn the damn music off!’
The music went off and Alice said, ‘Eleven point three seconds passed between the circuit tripping and being reinstalled.’
Nikki shook her head. ‘It was longer than that. Way longer.’
‘I’ve checked the logs, Nikki.’
That just didn’t seem possible. Could it have been such a short time? She remembered running on the treadmill, her feet pounding out a rhythm in time with ‘Lose Yourself’. The lights had gone out and the world had ended. What happened next? Somehow she had ended up sitting on the treadmill, crying like a child, while the dark threatened to suffocate her. She had no memory of that happening, though. It was as if the fear had induced a kind of amnesia.
‘Are you sure it was only eleven seconds?’
‘I’m sure.’
Nikki looked at the treadmill and even that was enough to elevate her heart rate. There was no way she was getting back on it again today. As she walked unsteadily back out into the corridor, the screen switched itself off and the gym door slid gently closed behind her.
Chapter 27
The second Nikki stepped through the hospital doors she was hit by a wave of apprehension. Part of it was being back here, and part of it was the lack of sleep. The bigger part, though, was what had happened in the gym. It had been a while since she’d had a full-blown panic attack, long enough for her to forget how terrifying they were. That feeling like you were losing your mind; the utter conviction that you were going to die.
Then there was the way it wasn’t actually over when it was over. The memory of what had happened would haunt her for the next few days. This was when she had to dig deepest. Under normal circumstances her baseline anxiety level was low enough so that if anything happened to push it up, it wouldn’t go high enough to trigger an attack. However, when her baseline level was elevated, as it was now, she didn’t have that cushion to work with. This was when the strategies she had learned in therapy were needed most. Unfortunately, using them was the last thing she felt like doing. When her anxiety levels were high it took all her energy just to get from one second to the next, never mind anything else. Anxiety was the bitch that just kept on taking and taking.
Nikki made her way straight up to Sofia’s private room on the third floor. She walked in and stopped dead. The bed was occupied by an old woman with a jaundiced complexion, leaving Nikki to wonder if this was the wrong room. She mumbled an apology then backed out into the corridor. As she closed the door, she checked the number – room six, so definitely the right one. She checked her watch: ten to twelve, so she wasn’t late. She headed back along the corridor to the main ward. The nurse at the station smiled when she saw Nikki approaching. She was in her early twenties, not long out of college.
‘Can I help?’
‘I’m looking for Sofia Jameson. She was admitted yesterday.’
At the mention of Sofia’s name, the nurse’s smile faded. ‘Let me get Matron for you.’
‘Why? Has something happened?’
‘Let me get Matron.’
Before Nikki could say anything else, the nurse had abandoned her station and was walking quickly away. She disappeared through a door that led to a small office and all Nikki could do was watch her go, thinking the worst and telling herself to get a grip. When she had called for an update this morning she had been told that Sofia was fine and getting discharged at midday. What could have happened between then and now? More to the point, if Sofia’s condition had deteriorated, why hadn’t someone contacted her? The office door opened and the nurse came out accompanied by a tough-looking black woman who clearly didn’t take any nonsense from anyone. She stopped next to the nurse’s station and fixed her gaze on Nikki. Up close she didn’t look quite so stern, just stressed. Her name badge read Mary Thompson.
‘Are you Mrs Rhodes?’
Nikki nodded, momentarily lost for words.
‘Can you come with me, please?’
‘Is everything all right?’
‘We should go somewhere quiet to talk.’
Nikki opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. You didn’t go somewhere quiet to talk when the news was good. Something else she remembered from when Grace was in hospital was that bad news was always delivered in quiet little rooms that were far enough away from the other patients so you wouldn’t disturb them if you became distraught. Mary didn’t ask a third time. She turned and walked away, leaving Nikki with no choice but to follow. The journey was a short one, probably no more than ten metres, but it felt much longer. The room she was taken to was about as bland as it was possible to get: beige walls and a brown sofa and chairs, and no personality whatsoever.
‘Please sit down.’
Mary was motioning to the sofa, and she still wasn’t smiling. Her eyes were pleading, imploring Nikki to cooperate so that the situation didn’t become any more uncomfortable than it needed it to be. Nikki sat down. The box of tissues on the coffee table was within easy reach. This was another detail she remembered all too well. And now Mary was smiling, only there was nothing reassuring about this smile. There was understanding and empathy, and a sense that she had been to this place many times before and expected to have to come here plenty more times in the future, but there was no joy.
‘I’m very sorry, but Mrs Jameson passed away.’
The words seemed to be coming from a very long way away. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be. All the same, Nikki knew that it was happening because a part of her had been expecting this. Sofia was dead. That had been clear the moment the station nurse’s smile had faded at the mention of her name. She might not have wanted to admit that to herself back then but in her heart she had known. The first question that came into her mind was ‘are you sure?’. That was a stupid question, though, one whose only purpose was to feed the denial. It was a question she had asked a lot when Grace had been in hospital.
‘When did she die?’
‘Last night.’
Nikki frowned and shook her head. ‘There must be a mistake. I spoke to a nurse this morning and was told that Sofia was fine. They said she was being discharged.’
Now it was Mary’s turn to frown. ‘That doesn’t sound right. All of my nurses are aware of what happened. If you had spoken to one of them they would have put you through to me. Can you remember who you spoke to?’
Nikki shook her head. ‘I’m sorry, I can’t.’
‘Could you have maybe spoken to the wrong ward?’
‘I suppose.’
Mary was shaking her head. ‘No, that doesn’t work. That would mean having two Sofia Jameson’s in the hospital at the same time. Both in private rooms. Are you sure you called?’
‘I’m sure.’ Even as she was saying this, Nikki was starting to wonder. No, she had definitely called. She’d been in the kitchen at the time. It was one of the first things she had done after getting up. ‘How did she die?’
Nikki asked quietly.
‘She had a cardiac arrest.’
Nikki frowned again. If there had been a complication with her head injury, then that would at least be an explanation she could begin to understand. A heart attack wasn’t. Sofia didn’t smoke, rarely drank, and was as fit as a fiddle. Her diet was a typical Mediterranean one: chicken, fish, rice, and everything cooked in olive oil. She was only in her late fifties. A heart attack made no sense.
‘Are you sure about that?’
The question was out before Nikki could stop it. Of course Mary was sure. There was no way she was going to make a mistake like that, but her brown eyes were filled with understanding and sorrow. She smiled sadly.
‘I am so sorry for your loss. I know this must be a huge shock.’
‘Why did no one call me?’
‘I tried to call you a couple of time but couldn’t get through.’
Nikki took out her phone and switched it on. It seemed to be working fine. One new text had come in since she’d last checked it. She navigated to the call log. The last call she had made was to Ethan’s mobile at ten fifteen this morning. There were no missed calls.
‘You must have rung the wrong number,’ Nikki said.
‘I suppose that’s possible.’
Nikki reeled off her number and was almost on the last digit before she realised that this was the number for their landline at Bedford Street. She apologised and started again, giving her mobile one this time. ‘Do you remember if this was the number you called?’
‘I’m sorry, I don’t.’ Mary paused then added, ‘Maybe you accidentally gave us the wrong number? Like you almost did just now.’
It was possible – anything was possible – but Nikki wasn’t convinced. As to what had actually happened, she had no idea. All she knew was that when she’d called the hospital this morning she had been told that Sofia was fine. And now she was dead.
Chapter 28
Nikki drove away from the hospital on autopilot. She probably shouldn’t be driving but it gave her something to do, and right now she needed the distraction. There hadn’t been any tears at the hospital; there hadn’t been any since she left, either. At some point this new reality would catch up with her, but for now the whole thing had all the substance of a nightmare.
The hospital had the correct mobile number. Nikki had accompanied Mary Thompson to her office to check. She had got her to check three times to be sure. She had asked her to check a fourth time, but by that point Mary’s patience was understandably wearing thin. She had even got her to call the number to establish that the phone was working, and of course it had worked fine. By the time Nikki left the office, Mary was starting to look at her as though she was crazy. And maybe she was right to. Did sane people claim to make phone calls that they clearly couldn’t have made?
She wasn’t sure when she worked out that she wasn’t going home. It was probably around the same time she realised that she was headed towards St John’s Wood. The streets gradually became more familiar and this provoked a pang of loss and longing. At some point the streets around Church Row would become as familiar as these ones, but for now she felt no real connection to them, not the way she felt a connection to this area. Seeing all her old haunts – the shops and restaurants, the coffee houses – triggered a whole host of memories that wove together to create a tapestry that was as comforting as a security blanket.
She turned into Bedford Street and was momentarily blinded by the glare of the sun. It was a beautiful day, the sky blue and the temperature pushing towards the mid-twenties, and that just seemed wrong. After what had happened to Sofia, the skies should be crying. A car was pulling out of the parking slot opposite their old house. Nikki pulled into it and put the Beetle in neutral so she could keep the air conditioning running. Her gaze was immediately drawn towards the front door.
Physically, the house hadn’t changed. It was still the same grand old Edwardian one that she had fallen in love with when Ethan first brought her here all those years ago. Then again, they had moved less than a week ago so what was she expecting? But it had changed, changed beyond all recognition. When they moved out it wasn’t just their possessions they had taken with them, they had taken their hearts and memories too. They should never have moved out. If they had still been living here, Sofia would never have had her accident. She would still be alive.
Nikki’s gaze moved from the front door, travelling upwards and stopping at the attic window. It was strange being on this side of the glass. How often had she found herself up there, staring down at the strangers on the street below? And now she was one of those strangers. There was something unreal about this situation, like she was an imposter in her own life. She closed her eyes and tried to conjure up a picture of Grace. For a moment she saw nothing and this brought on a wave of panic that threatened to undo her. Even when the picture finally came, it seemed fainter than it should have been, less distinct, the finer details missing. She had been worried that this might happen. They had left Grace behind in this house. With each passing day the memories would continue to fade until they ceased to exist altogether.
Nikki opened her locket but that picture didn’t really help. Grace had been just a baby when this was taken. She clicked the locket closed and let it fall back against her chest then took out her phone and went through the photograph gallery until she reached the pictures of Grace. There was Grace and Bella at Disney World, hugging Mickey. There they were at the princess lunch, Rapunzel on one side, Ariel on the other. The next picture had been taken at their fourth birthday party – their last one together. They were about to blow out their candles, big smiles on their faces, eyes alive with excitement.
Nikki carried on scrolling through the pictures until it reached the point where it was clear that Grace was gone. She scrolled back to the birthday party picture and for a while just sat there, staring at the screen. There was nothing in this photograph to indicate the scale of the disaster that was waiting just around the corner. On the contrary, this was a picture that spoke of a beautiful and blessed future. Life was good and dreams really could come true.
Sighing, she navigated away from the photo gallery and used the phone to access the security cameras at the Church Row house. There was no one at the front gate; no one at the front door; the house looked totally empty. Ethan obviously wasn’t back yet. She wanted to see him. Needed that. There was nothing he could do to change what had happened, but that didn’t matter. Just having him here would make all the difference. They had got through worse than this – and they would get through this too. At the end of the day they were stronger together.
His number was up near the top of the call log, but before she could call him, a sharp knock on the passenger window almost caused her to drop the phone. A wave of guilt flooded through her, although what exactly she had to be guilty about she didn’t know. Her head jerked towards the window The sunlight was distorting the face on the other side of the glass, making it look like an image from a funhouse hall of mirrors. Nikki’s hand was already reaching for the gear stick, her foot sliding onto the accelerator pedal. Getting the hell out was all she could think about.
‘Hello, Nicola.’
Her hand froze on the key, just short of actually turning it. The fact that she had been recognised was enough to bring some common sense back into the situation. This wasn’t some horror-movie monster on the other side of the glass, it was Mrs Hampton, their old neighbour. Nikki’s heart was racing and there was a layer of cold sweat stuck to her back. She took a deep breath, then pressed the button on her door to open the passenger window. Mrs Hampton was smiling at her. She was in her early seventies, as harmless as they came. Bertie, her Labrador, was sitting patiently at her feet. From this angle, all Nikki could see was the top of his head.
‘I’m so glad it’s you,’ Mrs Hampton said, laughing. ‘For a moment there I thought that it might be someone with the same car. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that would have been? So how did the mo
ve go?’
For a moment, Nikki wasn’t sure how to respond. After everything that had happened this was surreal insomuch as it was so completely normal. When she finally spoke it was in a voice she barely recognised.
‘It went fine. I’m glad it’s over, though.’
‘I can relate to that. Moving house is no fun whatsoever. So are you all settled in?’
‘We’re getting there,’ Nikki said, opting for a platitude and just wanting this conversation to be over.
‘And how’s Bella? Does she like her new house?’
‘She does.’
‘That’s good to hear. So what brings you back here? Did you leave something behind?’
‘I was in the area—’ Nikki started.
‘—and you just couldn’t resist taking a look at your old house. I can understand that. I get the same way when I visit the places I used to live.’
‘Look, I don’t want to be rude—’
‘—but you need to get going.’
Nikki shrugged. ‘I’m sorry. I’ve got a ton of things to do before collecting Bella from school.’ The second part was true, the first part a lie. The truth was that she had no idea how she was going to fill up the time until she had to collect Bella. What she did know was that she couldn’t deal with talking to Mrs Hampton any more. She couldn’t deal with talking to anyone right now.
‘Well, it’s been lovely to see you again, Nicola. Next time, maybe you can drop in for a cup of tea. It would be good to have a proper catch-up.’
‘I’d like that,’ Nikki said, even though it was never going to happen. She had never been in Mrs Hampton’s house during all the time they had been neighbours, so what was the chance of that happening now? They barely knew each other. The whole time she had lived here it had been ‘Nicola’ and ‘Mrs Hampton’. Nikki hadn’t even got around to telling her that she hated being called Nicola.
As she turned out of Bedford Street, she felt the hot tears pricking her eyes and pulled over into the first free space she found. For a while she just sat there crying her heart out. The idea that Sofia was dead didn’t seem any more real than it had done earlier, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t. She took her phone out and found Ethan’s number. He answered almost immediately.