“Most people can’t see their totems just like most people can’t see angels,” Emma said, “but they still collect images, figurines, anything and everything with their totem on it. Sometimes they don’t know why they do it, and other times they know that’s their animal, but they don’t understand what it means. They just know they’re incredibly drawn to wolf, or rabbit, or swallow and it makes them happy.”
“Do real animals show up?” I asked.
“They can; doves show up a lot around me. Sometimes a real animal will show up to warn you of danger, or give you a message by being somewhere you wouldn’t expect them, or by doing something that’s weird for the animal,” she said.
“Once Emma explained what was happening, I realized I’d been seeing orangutans on a poster for the zoo, in TV commercials, and there’s this one special about them that was playing every time anyone turned on a TV around me. There’d even been a little girl at the bus stop who had a stuffed toy, and a little boy who was coloring a picture of one on the bus on another day.”
“Totems aren’t nearly as circumspect as angels,” Emma said.
“You sure you don’t see any other totems in the room, Z?”
I glanced back at the people at the tables, looked harder at the new ones in line, and then at the staff behind the coffee bar. The blonde at the next table wasted another come-hither smile on me, which I did my best to ignore. I was looking for spirit animals, not blondes. “Could the bar hide a smaller totem from me, just like they were a real animal?” I asked.
“If you’re meant to see them, you’ll see them,” Emma said.
I turned back to her and Jamie and caught movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked for someone and then realized there was a wall there, so it couldn’t be a person, but there was something there. I looked down and there was a raccoon under the table. I startled as if it had been real, and then looked into the little masked face. I remembered Ravensong’s raccoon. It looked the same to me.
“Can someone share their totem with you?”
“You mean send it to give you a message?”
“Maybe,” I said, looking at the little animal where it stood on its hind legs looking up at me. It had one paw on the seat beside me and I had a serious urge to try to touch the clawed fingers; that reminded me of how I’d left Ravensong with a hand that was no longer human.
The raccoon reached its paw up toward me and trilled at me, that was the only word I had for it. I reached my finger out toward that small, raised hand and felt calmer. My finger touched its palm and the finger wrapped around the tip of my finger. It wasn’t solid-solid, not real for lack of a better term, but for a second, I swear I felt something. It startled me, made me take my hand back. I didn’t know if I wanted to wipe my hand on napkins to get the sensation off my skin, or if I wanted to touch it and see if I could feel its fur like a phantom touch.
“What in Heaven is that?” I asked.
“What does it look like?” Emma asked.
I leaned over the table toward them as if it was a secret, so I could say, “A raccoon.”
“Do you know someone with one as a totem?” Emma asked.
“Yes, could she have sent it to me?”
“Does she know that you could see it?”
I nodded.
“Is she a witch, or shaman?”
“Witch,” I said.
“She could send her totem to give you a message or even watch over you if she thought you were in danger, but that’s usually a real version of the animal, and it’s usually only done if they are very close to you. Have you ever been in a relationship with this friend?”
“No.”
“Some witches will send their totems to look in on loved ones, children, lovers, but not usually just friends.”
I looked under the table, but the raccoon was gone, and I was relieved; when I looked up at the others their totems were gone, too.
“I’ve seen you stand up to demons, Z; why did this spook you?” Jamie asked.
“It didn’t,” I lied, and then the look in his face made me say, “I don’t know, but spooked is a good word for it. I’m not afraid, but it did bother me.”
“Please tell me it’s not some guy thing where you don’t think a raccoon is a manly enough totem for you?” Emma said. She quirked an eyebrow at me.
I smiled and laughed, trying to think my way through it before I answered. “I don’t think so, but it’s just it looks identical to the raccoon of my friend, but I’m new to this so maybe I just don’t know the animal well enough to see differences.”
“It could be an animal messenger instead of a totem,” she said.
“What’s the difference?” I asked.
“A messenger comes to deliver a message or a life lesson, but it’s not your co-walker, and it’s usually only a temporary companion.”
“Do you think doing magic with my friend’s totem activated it for me?”
“It could,” she said, but not like she believed it.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” I said.
She smiled. “Was it that obvious?”
“Yes,” Jamie and I said at the same time, which made us all laugh.
“When you worked magic with your friend, you said you saw a bear and a raccoon; which was the clearest to you or which did you interact with the most?”
“The raccoon; the bear and other spirit guides were much less . . . real to me.”
“Then either this is your main totem, or it’s a messenger for a life lesson, or even a temporary animal guide.”
“What’s the difference between the three?”
“Main totems are with you for years or even for your entire life. They are the animal that most represents you, or teaches you, either the closest to your own personality, or the animal that has characteristics that you don’t have and need the most.”
“That makes sense,” I said.
“A messenger totem can just come in for a moment, or even be a real bird, animal, or insect that interacts with you in an unusual way for just one message, like you shouldn’t go down that alley because you’ll get hurt, so a rat comes and stands in your way, or a flock of sparrows attracts your attention and saves you from walking out into the street so a speeding car misses you, that kind of thing.”
“Okay, I get that.”
“An animal guide can be with you on and off for a lifetime, coming back when you need to relearn a lesson, or you need its strength or skill again. It can stay with you for months or even years, but usually days to months.”
“If a raccoon has come into my life to be a guide, what is it guiding me for, or to?”
“If you were pagan I’d say go into a sacred space and meditate on raccoon until you figure out what it means to you.”
“But since I’m not pagan?” I asked.
“We have some books at the shop on totems and working with animal guides. I’d say start there.”
“Okay,” I said.
We finished our tea, talking about the halfway house that Jamie was staying in, and that Emma’s professor had helped her get him a place in it. That he was working one afternoon a week at Harm None, and it had gone well enough that there was talk of more hours. Emma wanted to do traditional counseling at Harm None after she finished her degree, but not everyone at the shop was excited at the idea. They were happy doing reiki, tarot, and other metaphysical healing and guidance work, and many of them were strangely dubious of traditional therapy without magic.
“I might even work here at the Cauldron if one of the staff calls in sick,” Jamie said.
“The people who own Harm None also own part of the Cozy Cauldron,” Emma explained.
“Maybe you could get one of the shop fronts that’s for rent here to be your counseling place. Then you could do regular counseling and send patients to Harm None for magical therapy if needed, and they could do it in reverse,” I suggested.
She gave me a smile so happy that it was like sunshine on my face. I didn�
�t have to concentrate to hear wings as she said, “That’s a good idea, Zaniel. That way, Harm None can stay what it is, which is a great shop, and we can offer more services at a different, but close location. It’s a perfect solution.” I realized that I didn’t know if the wings were angels or doves, just that I could “hear” them around her.
“I told you, Z was the smart one,” Jamie said.
“You are smart,” she said, at the same time I said, “I did some seriously stupid things that you wouldn’t have done, or I wouldn’t have done if you’d been with me to tell me better.”
“Really?” Jamie asked, and he looked serious again.
“Absolutely, you were always more cautious than me, or Suriel. You kept us out of trouble.”
“I tried, but sometimes Suriel came up with the best ideas.”
We laughed together, remembering what it had been like before everything went wrong. I looked across the table at Jamie and realized that things were going right again. I was so grateful as I watched him smile across the table at me. I saw the phantom edge of an exceptionally long red furred arm across his shoulders as if his totem was hugging him, and I was grateful for that, too. If having a spirit animal guide helped Jamie heal, I was all for it. Something brushed against my leg, not quite as solid as a real animal, but enough to make me look under the table and meet the glittering gaze of the raccoon again.
“Let’s go look at those books on totems,” I said.
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
I was relieved that when we got up from the table, I couldn’t see any of the totems. I’d grown up seeing angels and later demons and things that I couldn’t have imagined when I entered the College of Angels at seven, so why did seeing a phantom raccoon at my side weird me out? I had no idea, but I was glad that the three of us walked down the sidewalk to Harm None without the animal escort.
Emma and Jamie led the way inside. I noticed they didn’t hold hands in the store. I didn’t know if that was a rule for employees in the workplace, or if they were keeping the relationship on the down low. I just noticed that they weren’t as cozy here and let it go. We weren’t encouraged to date at work either.
There was a counter with the cash register to the right and floor-to-ceiling windows to the left with glass shelves covered in crystals and stones of all kinds and colors. The stones circled around to the back wall, but without windows so the crystals that would fade in direct sunlight could still be displayed.
There was a woman behind the counter who was almost as tall as I was, and since she was wearing no makeup and had salt-and-pepper hair that looked natural, I was betting she wasn’t wearing heels. She was checking out a couple of women, handing them a sack with a smile that didn’t hold nearly the warmth of Emma’s.
“Sorry I couldn’t talk you out of it, but may the best possible outcome be yours,” she said as she handed the sack to the taller of the two women.
“Thank you so much, Bast, I know he loves me.” Her face was glowing with happiness. She went past us with her friend, giggling together like they were twelve though they had to be older than Emma and maybe older than me. I wasn’t good at ages, especially women’s ages.
When the door closed behind them, the woman behind the counter made an exasperated sound. “Goddess help me, the next customer that comes in here asking for a love spell, I’m just going to tell them there’s no such thing and send them packing.”
Emma went around the counter and gave the bigger woman a hug. Bast tried to keep frowning but then smiled and hugged her back. “Thank you, sweetie, you make even dealing with stupid customers better.”
Emma laughed and backed away enough to look up into the other woman’s face. “If you’re calling them stupid, the store must be empty except for us.”
The other woman threw back her head and gave a huge laugh that was almost a bray. It was a laugh that went with the rest of her, larger than life, but it made me smile.
“Good to see you again, Levi, and who is the friend you brought with you?”
He didn’t correct her with his angel name, but just motioned me forward and introduced me by my nickname. “This is Havoc; Havoc, this is Bast.”
Bast raised eyebrows that were more solid black than her hair, like an echo to what the rest had been before time changed it. “Really, did you pick the name when you were younger, because you don’t seem like someone who would want to invite that kind of energy into your life.”
“It’s a nickname that other people chose for me,” I said.
Her eyes narrowed a little and I knew without having to be told that she was “looking” at me the same way that I could look at people’s angels or totems. I didn’t feel her putting any energy into or on me, so it was a natural ability like my vision. You could do some natural gifts without any energy exchange. Any magic you had to learn to use was almost always intrusive, and you needed to ask permission even to help someone, because to do otherwise is treating them like they have no agency or will of their own. You can do protective magic on your own family, especially children, without permission, but for the rest keep your magic to yourself.
“Havoc has just started working with totems, so I suggested he look at some books,” Emma said.
“I’m not sure it’s his totem that’s following him around. Have you done energy or spell work on someone else recently?” Bast asked.
I just nodded.
“I’d call them up and see if they’re missing a raccoon.”
I caught my breath for a second, then said, “I did not do anything to damage her connection to her spirit guides.”
“Totems aren’t exactly the same as spirit guides,” she said.
“Her raccoon faded from view just like the rest of her . . . guides.”
“Is she a civilian?” Bast asked.
“No, she’s a police detective.”
“I don’t mean civilian like that; I mean is she a mystical practitioner or a mundane?”
“She’s a witch.”
“Wiccan, or do you mean something else?”
“Wiccan,” I said.
“Then contact her and see if she’s missing her totem. If she’s not, then you need to either ask her why she sent it with you, or keep your mouth shut and come back here so we can help you find out.”
“Are you always this abrupt?” I asked.
“No, but my guides are yelling at me that there’s something wrong with you and you need to fix it before your phone rings.”
I looked at Jamie and Emma. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know,” Jamie said.
Emma said, “Bast almost never pushes like this unless it’s important, like really important.”
“You only have a few minutes, Havoc; even your name feels wrong.”
“Zaniel,” I said, “I’m Zaniel.”
She smiled and it was like some tension slipped away from her. “That works. Okay, Zaniel, call the woman you worked on magically today and ask her about her totem.” She seemed to be listening to voices I couldn’t hear, and then her eyes went back to looking very directly at me. “Call the person who helped you work on her. Whoever that is tampered with the totem, or tried to; your energy offset the ill intent of the other mystic that helped you, and the client being a witch probably made it harder for the person to strip her of her magical aid.”
“No other ethical light worker would try to steal someone’s totem,” Emma said.
“Why did it attach to me and not just stay with my friend?” I asked.
“Your energy hid it from whoever tried to strip it away from your client,” Bast said.
“No one who worked with your unit would try to steal away someone’s spiritual protection like that,” Jamie said. He looked at me with those big brown eyes of his, and just like before they looked all the way through me as if we were seven, and I couldn’t lie to him.
“It was Suriel, wasn’t it?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said.
His face crumpled as if he wa
s going to cry.
Emma reached out to touch his arm, but then stopped in midmotion.
“You told me earlier that Suriel helped you with a case,” Jamie said, his voice tight with unshed tears, or just too many emotions.
“I hadn’t seen her until today. We had a demon problem.”
“She took the red sash, then?” he asked.
I nodded, and wasn’t sure he saw, so I added, “Yes.”
“You swear to me that you hadn’t seen her until today?”
“My hand to God that I hadn’t seen Suriel until today.”
Tears glittered in his eyes as he said, “She tried to steal a witch’s totem. She tried to strip away everything but the angels. Suriel had no right to do that. The College had no right to do that to all of us.”
I reached a hand out to touch his shoulder, but I stopped just like Emma had. I was afraid if I touched him it would get worse, as if offering comfort would break him.
“I didn’t know what Suriel was doing.”
“How could you not know?” Jamie sounded accusatory.
“It was an emergency and there was a lot happening. We were trying to save . . .” I stopped and tried to think; was it a life, or just Ravensong from being deformed? What would have happened if we hadn’t been able to reverse the damage? Would she have died, or would it have consumed her and made her into something else? Demons weren’t contagious; what had happened earlier today was impossible.
“She helped me save my friend from . . . a demon.” I had to be careful what I said, because they weren’t police or anyone who should know what was happening with an ongoing investigation. A witch was supposed to keep anything said to them sacred like a priest in the confessional, but there were a lot of different kinds of witches and mystics, so the pointy-hat rule didn’t automatically apply.
“But she couldn’t leave it at that, she’s just like all the rest of them up at the College. She had to meddle and take more than she was supposed to.” He wrapped his arms around himself as if he was trying to hold himself together.
A Terrible Fall of Angels Page 31