by Jessica Pan
88 on average, it takes fifty hours of time with someone before you consider them a casual friend and ninety hours before you feel comfortable upgrading them to “friend”: J. A. Hall, “How Many Hours Does It Take to Make a Friend?” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 36, no. 4 (2018): 1278–1296, https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407518761225.
Chapter 6: Crowd Control or Networking
92 Research has shown that it is our outer circle of acquaintances, also known as “weak ties,” that brings about the most change in our lives: M. Granovetter, “The Strength of Weak Ties,” American Journal of Sociology 78, no. 6 (1973): 1360–1380; and his 1983 follow-up paper, “The Strength of Weak Ties: A Network Theory Revisited,” Sociological Theory 1 (1983): 201–233.
94 He [Richard Reid] cites research that claims that magnetism is 50 percent innate and 50 percent learned: The study was carried out by Professor Richard Wiseman, a psychologist at the University of Hertfordshire, who examined the theory of “emotional contagion” and charisma in a public arena. See: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/3341135/FameLab-and-the-secrets-of-an-infectious-personality.html.
99 Daisy Buchanan: Daisy Buchanan, How to Be a Grown-Up (London: Headline, 2017).
102 I’d read somewhere that it takes four seconds to create an awkward silence: N. Koudenburg, T. Postmes, and E. H. Gordijn, “Disrupting the Flow: How Brief Silences in Group Conversations Affect Social Needs,” Journal of Experimental Social Psychology 47, no. 2 (2011): 512–515, https://doi.org/ 10.1016/j.jesp.2010.12.006.
103 Emma Gannon: Emma Gannon, The Multi-Hyphen Method (London: Hodder & Stoughton, 2018).
Chapter 7: The Wedding in Germany, A Real-Life Interlude
114 Researcher and public speaker Brené Brown says that connection is why we’re here. That humans are neurobiologically built for it: Brené Brown, “The Power of Vulnerability,” TEDx, June 2010, https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability. See also Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (New York: Gotham, 2012).
115 “Some women don’t need so much help with public speaking as with the self-doubt and self-loathing that hold them back from getting involved in it”: Viv Groskop, How to Own the Room: Women and the Art of Brilliant Speaking (London: Bantam, 2018).
Chapter 8: Free-Falling or Improvisation
128 Psychologists say that improv classes can help alleviate social anxiety and stress: Kathleen Toohill, “So Funny, It Doesn’t Hurt,” The Atlantic, September 11, 2015, https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/09/comedy-improv-anxiety/403933/.
Chapter 9: Everest or Stand-up Comedy
131 Many comedians identify as introverts: G. Greengross and G. F. Miller, “The Big Five Personality Traits of Professional Comedians Compared to Amateur Comedians, Comedy Writers, and College Students,” Personality and Individual Differences 47, no. 2 (2009): 79–83.
132 public speaking is the number one fear in America: Victoria Cunningham, Morty Lefkoe, and Lee Sechrest, “Eliminating Fears: An Intervention that Permanently Eliminates the Fear of Public Speaking,” Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy 13, no. 3 (2006): 183–193.
132 40–60 percent of the population identifies as shy: Steve Bressert, “Facts about Shyness,” Psychology Central, last modified October 8, 2018, https://psychcentral.com/lib/facts-about-shyness/.
136 embarrassment is a healthy emotion, because it signals to others that we care about the social code: M. Feinberg, R. Willer, and D. Keltner, “Flustered and Faithful: Embarrassment as a Signal of Prosociality,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 102, no. 1 (2012): 81–97.
149 “Is this the way to Amarillo . . . Every night I’ve been hugging my pillow”: Tony Christie, vocalist, “(Is This the Way to) Amarillo,” by Neil Sedaka and Howard Greenfield, recorded 1971, MCA Records.
Chapter 10: Talking to Men, A Real-Life Interlude
154 Research suggests that men are significantly lonelier than women: A poll by Eurostat that measured “persons who have someone to discuss personal matters by income quintile, household type, and degree of urbanization” finds the situation is the worst in France, where 12.24 percent of respondents lack someone to confide in, and in Italy (11.9 percent). See also “persons who have someone to ask for help by income quintile, household type, and degree of urbanization”: the situation is the worst in Italy, where 13.2 percent of respondents lack someone to go to in difficulty, Luxembourg (12.9 percent), the Netherlands (10.2 percent), and Portugal (9.6 percent).
154 That one-third of men feel lonely regularly: As many as 35 percent of men in Britain feel lonely at least once a week, while 11 percent admit to suffering with the emotion every day, according to 2018 research conducted by the Commission by Royal Voluntary Service.
154 one in eight men report that they have no one to discuss serious topics with: A YouGov survey for the charity Movember Research Foundation found that 12 percent of men do not have a friend they would discuss a serious topic with (e.g., work worries, a health problem, money worries), and 51 percent of men have two friends or fewer that they would open up to about a serious problem.
154 Loneliness: A 2010 report by the Mental Health Foundation found that the eighteen-to-thirty-four-year-olds surveyed were more likely than the over-fifty-fives to feel lonely often and to feel depressed because of loneliness. Research from the Office for National Statistics in the UK in 2018, based on a survey of more than ten thousand adults, found that almost 10 percent of people aged sixteen to twenty-four were “always or often” lonely—the highest proportion of any age group. See: https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/wellbeing/articles/childrensandyoungpeoplesexperiencesofloneliness/2018.
Also, according to the Mental Health Foundation, 42 percent of respondents have felt depressed because they felt alone. This is higher among women (47 percent compared to 36 percent among men) and higher among those aged eighteen to thirty-four (53 percent compared to 32 percent of those over fifty-five). See: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/sites/default/files/the_lonely_society_report.pdf.
159 massive demographic (. . . male fans outnumber women two to one in the UK): In 2016, Statista.com found that 67 percent of respondents from the UK who stated they follow soccer were male. See: https://www.statista.com/statistics/658959/europe-football-fans-by-country-and-gender/.
161 the researcher Arthur Aron, who claimed he knew how to make two strangers fall in love: Arthur Aron, Edward Melinat, Elaine N. Aron, Robert D. Vallone, and Renee J. Bator, “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 23, no. 4 (1997): 363–377. See also Mandy Len Catron, “To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This,” New York Times, January 9, 2015, https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html.
162 “. . . I wish more men could admit these things”: One in three of us (30 percent) would be embarrassed to admit to feeling lonely, according to the Mental Health Foundation. See also Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (New York: Gotham, 2012).
Chapter 11: La-La Land or Traveling Solo
172 an international ranking system comparing sixty-five country attributes among eighty nations. On the “Fun” scale of 1–10, Hungarians rate a 1.6. Italians score a 9.1. (Brits get a 4.2.): according to the 2018 Best Countries Report, developed by BAV Group and The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania in consultation with the US News & World Report, https://www.usnews.com/news/best-countries/hungary.
185 A recent study says one in two travelers thinks the best thing about traveling is getting out of their comfort zones: According to the travel trend forecaster: “2016 Virtuoso Luxe Report Shares Five Must-Have Travel Experiences in the Coming Year,” PRNewswire, November 5, 2015, htt
ps://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/2016-virtuoso-luxe-report-shares-five-must-have-travel-experiences-in-the-coming-year-300173644.html.
185 Spanish locals are rated the friendliest in the world: according to the 2018 Best Countries Report, developed by BAV Group and The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania in consultation with the US News & World Report, https://www.usnews.com/news/best-countries/spain.
Chapter 12: Scotch Courage or Stand-up Comedy, Round II
188 all I do is yell at myself in the mirror and emerge the exact same person: K. N. Ochsner, S. A. Bunge, J. J. Gross, and J. D. I. Gabrieli, “Rethinking Feelings: An fMRI Study of the Cognitive Regulation of Emotion,” Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience 14, no. 8 (2002): 1215–1229.
Chapter 13: Introvert into the Woods, A Real-Life Interlude
195 a five-hundred-page book on psychedelics: Michael Pollan, How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us about Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence (New York: Penguin, 2018).
Chapter 14: Redemption or Stand-up Comedy, Round III
210 two women start making a big deal about some cactus: Crazy Rich Asians, directed by Jon M. Chu, screenplay by Peter Chiarelli and Adele Lim, based on the novel Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan (2018; Burbank, CA: Warner Bros. Pictures), Film.
Chapter 15: Come Dine with Me or Hosting a Dinner Party
213 A dinner party is social and unpredictable and requires juggling many things at once—all things introverts aren’t crazy about: M. D. Lieberman and R. Rosenthal, “Why Introverts Can’t Always Tell Who Likes Them: Multitasking and Nonverbal Decoding,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 80, no. 2 (2001): 294–310.
216 “Enjoy the money, I hope it makes you very happy”: Come Dine with Me contestant Peter Marsh, Channel 4, January 4, 2016.
217 Super-Juicy Roast Turkey: Nigella Lawson, Nigella Christmas (London: Chatto & Windus, 2008).
217 Coca-Cola Ham: Nigella Lawson, Nigella Bites (London: Chatto & Windus, 2001).
218 Dolly Alderton: Dolly Alderton, Everything I Know about Love (London: Fig Tree Press, 2018).
220 Brownies: Nigella Lawson, How to Be a Domestic Goddess (London: Chatto & Windus, 2000).
225 the anthem for introverts going to an extrovert’s party: Marvin Gaye, “Got to Give It Up.”
Chapter 16: Introvert. Extrovert. Convert? Conclusion
229 “A disagreeable introvert is not necessarily constrained to a life of unhappiness”: Brian R. Little, “It’s in the Deeds: What We Do Shapes Who We Are,” The Guardian, August 20, 2017, https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/aug/20/what-we-do-shapes-who-we-are-wellbeing.
230 Some personality studies say that introversion is physiologically or even genetically based: David G. Winter, Personality: Analysis and Interpretation of Lives (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1996), 511–516. See also Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (New York: Crown Publishers, 2012); and Daniel Nettle, Personality: What Makes You the Way You Are (New York: Oxford University Press, 2007).
230 while others report that introversion is only 40–50 percent heritable: Thomas J. Bouchard Jr. and Matt McGue, “Genetic and Environmental Influences on Human Psychological Differences,” Developmental Neurobiology 54, no. 1 (2003): 4–45.
230 our personalities are not fixed or exclusively determined by nature or nurture; instead, they can change as a result of action: Brian R. Little, Who Are You, Really? (New York: TED Books, 2017).
A note on Introversion and methodology
238 “. . . such a man would be in the lunatic asylum”: William McGuire and R. F. C. Hall, eds., C. G. Jung Speaking: Interviews and Encounters (Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, 1977), 304.
Acknowledgments
Thank you so much to my literary agent, the brilliant and kind Emma Finn. Thank you for taking a chance on me, for always giving me incredible editorial notes, for never forgetting to add an accent to “Beyoncé,” and for being such a wonderful friend to me.
Thank you to Darcy Nicholson, my genius editor who Marie Kondo’d the hell out of my book and to whom I am so grateful. I’m sorry for all the late-night emails—I can’t promise you’ve received the last of them. Thank you to Allison Adler for being such a thoughtful, fun editor. It’s been such a pleasure to work with you two and your teams. Thank you, Hayley Barnes (I’m sorry for what I wrote about Geminis) and Emma Burton, for your enthusiasm, hard work, and ideas. Thank you to Sophie Wilson, Devon Ritter, and Amy Strassner for your eagle eyes.
Thank you to everyone who helped mentor me and everyone I interviewed: Stefan G. Hofmann, Nicholas Epley, David Litt, Rachel Bertsche, Richard Reid, Daisy Buchanan, Emma Gannon, Liam Brennan, Maria Rivington, Kate Smurthwaite, Phil Wang, Charles Knowlton, Sara Barron, and Dolly Alderton. Your patience and expertise helped me survive this year.
Thank you to Nigella Lawson for your spellbinding recipes that won over my dinner party guests and for patiently answering my question at your book talk about whether you were an introvert or an extrovert.
Thank you to Jori Thompson for being my best friend for so long and for your notes. Thank you to Chantal Haines and Lucy Handley for moral support and style guidance over tacos, and thank you, Sabine Handtke, for telling me to keep writing, and thank you for designing this book cover—I’m so happy that you three were my assigned desk buddies at my first job in London. Thank you, Tarn Rodgers Johns, for you know what. Thank you to Hannah van der Deijl (new best friend?) for taking the time to read this and give thoughtful feedback after you’d known me only a few weeks. You are all true best-friend material.
A special thanks to Kim Chi Kunn of Maison d’Etre and Maison Bleue Canteen for not only always having ice for my iced lattes even in the dead of winter but also for creating the coziest refuge to write in.
A big thank-you to the special class of friends who picked up on the hysterical tone of my text messages and late-night emails and gently offered, “Would you like me to take a look?” I will be forever grateful to Jessica J. Lee, the best, kindest doppelgänger a girl could ever hope for, who also takes me swimming; Julia Buckley, the fellow introvert hero who appeared out of thin air and introduced me to Alice; and Morgan Jackson—you are so funny, smart, and generous, and, wow, you make great chutney. Thank you all for taking the time to read excerpts and give thoughtful notes.
A massive thank-you to Rachel Kapelke-Dale. Without you, there would be no book and also likely no writing and also a lot less fun. Thank you for long coffee sessions, frantic phone calls, nocturnal emails, and always being there for me. Thank you for being such a good friend for all these years and for being an amazing editor to me. This book wouldn’t exist without your encouragement and pep talks under rainy awnings. You mean the world to me, and your hair looks great.
Thank you to my parents, my brothers, and my grandparents—anything funny I have ever said or written probably came from one of you. Thanks especially to my parents, for always encouraging me, for always worrying about me, and for telling me to go big.
A huge thank-you to “Sam”—I’m so, so grateful I have you. Thank you for helping me survive this year by cooking dinner for me, ironing my shirt before performances, reading my drafts, talking to me about this and nothing else all year, and so much more. Meeting you was one of the luckiest things that ever happened to me. There aren’t enough words to express how much you mean to me.
Thank you to all the new, wonderful people I met as a result of this strange year, including but certainly not limited to: Rosie Luff, Cathryn Basden, Toia Mangakahia, Venus Wong, Sarah Biddlecombe, Meg Bowles, Benji Waterstones, Paul Stafford, Alice Adams, Paul Creasy, Kate O’Sullivan, and Enikő Tárkány Szücs.
I know I don’t say it enough, but in the spirit of Deep Talk, here goes: I love you all so much.
About the Author
Jessica Pan is a journalist whose work has appeared in the Guardian’s Weekend magazine, The Cut, Refinery29, and Vice. She has a BA in psychology from Brown University. Jessica is also the coauthor of the book Graduates in Wonderland, an epistolary memoir about living in Beijing and Paris.
She previously worked as a TV reporter and magazine editor in Beijing and now lives in London.
Sorry I’m Late, I Didn’t Want to Come copyright © 2019 by Jessica Pan.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.
Andrews McMeel Publishing
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www.andrewsmcmeel.com
ISBN: 978-1-5248-5438-6
Library of Congress Control Number: 2019934071
Editor: Allison Adler
Art Director: Holly Swayne
Production Editor: Amy Strassner
Production Manager: Carol Coe
Digital Production: Kristen Minter
Parts of Chapter 2, Talking to Strangers or New People, were originally published in Weekend magazine by the Guardian.
Quotation from Viv Groskop’s How to Own the Room is printed here with permission from the author and Penguin Random House.
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