Nate tosses both sodas into a nearby trash can without another word. He puts an arm around me and leads me out of the main concourse to a side area with a few scattered picnic tables. It’s not private, exactly, but we’re the only ones there. He sits us both down, his arm still wrapped around my shoulders. I collapse into him, sobbing against his chest for I don’t know how long. Nate keeps pulling crumpled napkins out of his pocket until he runs out and I have to press them together in a damp, bloodstained mess. All I can think, while I clutch Nate’s jacket and he keeps a steady hand on my arm, is that I’m finally not alone with this.
When I sit up at last, wiping my eyes, he says, “Bronwyn didn’t tell me.”
I dig a tissue out of my purse and blow my nose. “She doesn’t know.”
Nate’s dark-blue eyes widen. “Your parents didn’t tell her?”
“They don’t know, either. Nobody does.”
“Maeve. What the fuck,” he says again. It doesn’t seem like the sort of comment that needs a reply, so I don’t. “But doesn’t this … I mean, just to make sure I’m understanding things here. This is something that happens when you relapse, right?” I nod. “So you can’t … You have to … Why? Why would you keep something like this to yourself?”
My voice is low and hoarse. “You don’t know what it’s like.”
“What what’s like?” Nate asks.
“Relapsing.”
“Tell me.”
“It’s just—everything changes. Everyone is sad. Normal life stops and we all climb on this miserable treatment roller coaster that only goes down. It’s horrible and it hurts in every way possible, and the worst thing is, it doesn’t work.” I’d start crying again if I weren’t completely spent. I sag against Nate’s shoulder instead, and his arm tightens around me. “It never works for long. Four years is the longest ever. I thought maybe I’d never have to do it again and I … I don’t know if I can.”
Nate is quiet for a few seconds. “Okay,” he says finally. “I get that. But this is your life, Maeve. You have to try. Don’t you think?”
I’m so unbelievably tired. If I closed my eyes now, I’d sleep for days. It’s not a comforting thought. “I don’t know.”
“If you won’t do it for yourself, then do it for your family, okay?” Nate’s voice gets urgent. “Think about your mom and dad. And Bronwyn. How would they feel if you … If something happens, they’ll drive themselves crazy wondering whether things could have been different if you’d trusted them enough to tell them.”
I stiffen. “It’s not about trust.”
“But that’s what they’ll think.” I don’t reply, and he presses. “You know it’s what Bronwyn will think. She’ll blame herself for not being here, or not guessing. And it will eat at her for the rest of her life.”
Damn him. He just poked my Achilles’ heel, and he knows it. When I sit up, he already looks relieved. “Fine,” I mutter. “I’ll talk to my parents.”
As soon as I say it, a wave of relief crashes over me, washing away some of the dread that’s been building for weeks. It hits me, then, how badly I’ve wanted to tell them, but I’d let myself get frozen with fear and indecision. I needed a push.
Nate exhales a long breath. “Thank Christ.”
“You need to do something for me in return, though,” I warn. He raises his eyebrows, quizzical. “Get your head out of your ass when it comes to my sister.”
Nate’s surprised laugh breaks the tension enough that I smile, too. “Listen, Maeve. You don’t have to worry about Bronwyn and me. We’re endgame.”
I wipe a stray tear from the corner of my eye. “What does that mean?”
“It means we’ll wind up together eventually. It might take a year for us to sort everything out, or two, or ten. Whatever. But it’ll happen.”
“Maybe you should tell her that,” I suggest.
He gives me that famous Nate Macauley grin that always turns my sister into a puddle. “She knows. She might not admit it yet, but she knows.”
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Phoebe
Friday, March 20
“You guys need to see this,” Maeve says, pulling out her phone.
She looks positively green, although it might just be the lighting in here. We’re backstage in the Bayview High auditorium, sitting on the floor of some little side room that the drama club uses as an office. I didn’t even know it existed. A desk and chair take up half the space, and floor-to-ceiling bookshelves against one wall hold props, books, and folded costumes. The walls are covered in faded Broadway posters, and everything is coated in a thin layer of dust.
“What is it?” I ask. I’m positioned between her and Knox, which is where I always end up when the three of us are together lately. Knox might not be the school joke anymore, but that doesn’t mean things are okay between him and Maeve. He only came because she insisted, with surprising force.
“A video that Luis gave me,” Maeve says. “I got it yesterday but—I had kind of an intense night with my parents. Some family stuff going on … Anyway, that’s not really the point. The point is, I didn’t watch it until a little while ago. Luis sent a bunch of videos, I think because he didn’t know what was important, and he clearly didn’t go through it all himself, because he would have said something if he had, because—”
“Maeve,” I interrupt. “Maybe you should just play the video.”
“Yes. Okay.” She unlocks her screen and opens her photos. “But just to set it up a little more—this is from Sean Murdock’s phone. It was taken the day Brandon died.”
I gasp. Knox, who’d been slouching listlessly beside me, sits bolt upright. “Wait. What?” he asks. He scrambles around me until he’s sitting next to Maeve and can stare directly at her phone. “How did Luis get it?”
“I think he borrowed Sean’s phone last night at Cooper’s game,” Maeve says.
“Oh my God, Knox,” I say, realizing what she has. “It’s the video. You were right!”
Maeve’s forehead creases as her eyes dart between us. “You guys already knew about this?” she asks. She sounds both confused and hurt.
“I don’t know what’s on it,” Knox says. “I had a memory come back of Sean recording something at the construction site but I didn’t know what it was.” He’s practically vibrating with tension as he grips Maeve’s arm. “Play it.”
She taps Play, and my pulse starts racing when an image of Brandon fills the screen, his hair tousled by the wind. He’s standing right at the edge of the construction site, looking down, and tears spring to my eyes. I almost forgot how beautiful he was. I used to spend entire class periods dreaming about those lips. “This is fucking boring,” he says, and his familiar voice sends chills down my spine. “Why couldn’t I have gotten something like yours?” Brandon continues, twisting to look at someone behind him off camera. “Or even yours.”
“What are you waiting for, pretty boy?” Sean’s voice, in a high falsetto, comes at us loud and clear. “Not scared of a little jump, are you?”
“I’m disappointed,” Brandon says, putting his hands on his hips. “There’s no glory in this. I should do a backflip or something.”
“That would be amazing,” comes a girl’s breathless voice, and my heart stutters. Jules.
“At least you get to play,” comes another voice that I recognize as Monica’s. “Who or what does a girl have to do to get a freaking Dare around here?”
“Holy shit—” Knox starts, but I shush him.
“Me,” Brandon says, and Sean cackles.
“For a guy who’s not scared, Branny, you sure are talking a lot,” he taunts. “Come on. Let’s capture you for posterity. Jump, motherfucker! Jump, jump, jump!”
Jules and Monica pick up the chant, and they’re clapping, and oh my God, this is so horrible that I actually whimper. “Does he … do you see him …” I stammer. Then Brandon bends his legs in preparation to jump, and I can’t. I squeeze my eyes shut and press my face tightly against Maeve’s shoulde
r. I hear the crash anyway.
“Fucking hell!” Sean’s voice comes out like a scream, high and terrified. “Bran! What the fuck just happened!” I can hear Jules and Monica screaming, too, and I cautiously raise my head to look at Maeve’s screen. The video is nothing but dirt and grass, the ground pitching below Sean as he moves. “Bran! Are you—holy shit.”
“Where is he?” Jules asks tearfully.
“He fell through the fucking roof!” Sean yells. His phone is still aimed at the ground, recording. Monica says something I can’t hear. Then there’s a couple minutes of low, urgent conversation that’s impossible to catch until Sean’s voice comes through again, loud and clear: “What the fuck are you doing here, Myers?” And then the screen goes black.
“Jesus,” Knox says weakly.
Maeve swallows hard. “You guys got the gist of that, right?” she asks. “The game didn’t end with Knox and me, after all. Brandon was doing a Dare.”
“Yeah. Got it.” I blink back tears and press my hands to my stomach. If I’d eaten lunch before watching that, I’d have thrown it up. “Oh my God. That was horrible.”
Maeve puts a gentle hand on my arm. “I’m sorry. I should’ve warned you better. I keep forgetting that you guys, um, hung out for a while.” She turns to Knox. “I think you were right. It doesn’t seem like Sean punched you to help you. But I’m still not sure why he did.”
Knox’s eyes remain glued to her dark phone. “Me either. I thought seeing that would jog my memory, but it didn’t.” We’re all quiet for a few minutes, lost in our own thoughts, until Knox adds, “Maeve, you said Luis sent a bunch of videos. Are there any other—”
“No,” she interrupts quickly. “There’s nothing else about Brandon. The rest is just … personal stuff.” She goes bright red when she says it. Even though I’m still numb with shock, my mouth twists into a grimace.
“Ew. Please don’t tell me you accidentally watched a Sean sex tape.”
Maeve looks like she just sucked on a lemon. “No, but there was a … shower selfie.”
“Oh my God.” I stare at her in horrified commiseration. “Was it …”
“Full frontal,” she confirms, shuddering at the memory.
Knox snorts out a humorless laugh. “Imagine how much fun we could have with that if we were assholes like him.” Then he frowns and massages his temple. “So, what should we do about the video? Should we tell someone?”
“Well,” I say cautiously. “It doesn’t change anything, does it? It’s still a shitty accident, except now they’d all get in trouble for lying.” I don’t care about Sean or Monica, but there’s Jules to consider. “And then … the Truth or Dare game would be out there. Teachers would know about it, so we’d lose our phones at school. And parents would know.” I glance at Knox to see if that’s sinking in, and sure enough, he looks appalled at the thought. I’m sure he doesn’t want his parents learning his Truth any more than I want my mother to hear mine.
“Right,” Knox says decisively. “It doesn’t change anything.”
I turn toward Maeve. She’s usually the first to jump in with an opinion, but she’s been quiet for a while. Now that my eyes have gotten used to the drama club office lighting, she doesn’t look as green anymore—but she does look exhausted. Dark circles ring her eyes, and her usually shiny hair is pulled back into a dull, messy bun. “What do you think?” I ask.
Her amber eyes droop. “Whatever you guys want to do.” She picks up her messenger bag and loops it around her shoulder. “I have to go. I have a doctor’s appointment in half an hour.”
I pluck at her sleeve. “Everything okay?”
“Sure. Fine. It’s just …” Maeve glances between Knox and me and bites her lip, her face conflicted. Then she seems to make up her mind about something. “It’s just that I might not be around as much, for a while. Depending on how things go today. I’ve been having … symptoms. The sort of things that used to happen before I relapsed. So I’m getting that checked out. We’re starting with a blood test, and then we’ll see what’s next.”
My mouth falls open, and I’m rooted to the spot as Maeve gets to her feet. But Knox isn’t; he jumps up with her, knocking his knee hard against the desk. He doesn’t seem to notice. “Maeve, what the hell? Why didn’t you tell me?”
She gives him a wry half smile. “We haven’t exactly been talking.”
“Yeah, but that—that doesn’t matter. Not compared to this.” Knox runs a hand through his hair and snatches his backpack up from the ground. “I’m coming with you.”
“You can’t,” Maeve protests. “You have class.”
“I’ll cut. Phoebe showed me how.”
“It’s true,” I volunteer, but neither of them is paying attention to me.
Maeve twists her hands together. “My parents are taking me. I don’t think they’d want a committee in my oncologist’s office.”
“Then I’ll wait in the lobby. Or the parking lot.” Knox slips his backpack over his shoulders and grips the straps so tightly that his knuckles turn white. “God, Maeve, I’m sorry. I feel like shit that I didn’t know about this.”
“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” Maeve says. “I do.”
“You tried. I wouldn’t listen.”
I get the feeling, suddenly, that I’m intruding on an overdue conversation. I stand and enfold Maeve in a quick, hard hug. “I better go,” I say into her hair. “Good luck. I’m thinking all the good thoughts for you.” She murmurs her thanks as I slip through the office door.
I part the velvet curtains onstage and descend the side staircase onto the auditorium floor. My thoughts are in a whirl, pinballing between Maeve’s news and the video I just saw. When I reach the back of the auditorium, I almost trip over a sneakered foot jutting into the aisle.
“Hey,” Matthias Schroeder says. “I have a message for you.”
He’s sitting in the back row, a brown paper bag in his lap, clutching half a sandwich. I pause and take him in: light blue hoodie with some Star Wars character I don’t know, skinny black jeans, and weirdly jaunty red sneakers. His wispy blond hair is too long, hanging in his eyes. “You have a message for me?” I ask, skeptical. Matthias and I have never spoken before. “And you, what? Had to trip me before you could tell me?”
“I waved at you the entire time you were walking up the aisle,” he says. “You didn’t notice me. Anyway, I had English with Emma before lunch and she doesn’t feel well so she took your car and went home. I guess she doesn’t have a phone, or whatever.”
“Oh. Okay.” I look at him warily. “How did you know I’d be here?”
“I followed you,” he says. His expression gets defensive when my eyes pop. “I’m not, like, creeping on you. I was gonna tell you in the caf but you came here instead. I eat lunch here sometimes anyway, so I waited for you.”
He takes a bite of sandwich. It’s made with thin white bread and some kind of pale pink lunchmeat, a wilted leaf of lettuce poking out of one side. It’s the loneliest-looking vegetable I’ve ever seen. When he places the sandwich on his paper bag, I can see indents where his fingers were pressing. “Well, thanks for letting me know,” I say.
I should go then, probably, but instead I hitch my backpack higher on my shoulder. “Did you have anything to do with the Truth or Dare texting game?” I ask abruptly.
Matthias looks startled. “What? No. Why would you think that?”
Everybody thinks that, I almost say. “You started Simon Says.”
Matthias looks down at his sandwich. “That was different.”
“How?”
“I just wanted to know what it was like.” It’s dim in the auditorium, but I can still see Matthias’s cheeks flush. “To have people pay attention.”
“They paid attention to the Truth or Dare game, too.”
“I said that wasn’t me.” Matthias seems surprised at the sound of his own voice echoing through the empty room. He lowers it. “I wouldn’t even know how to find out that stuff.
The secrets. Nobody talks to me. Or haven’t you noticed?”
“I’m talking to you.”
“Yeah, well.” Matthias tosses the rest of his sandwich into the paper bag and crumples the whole thing into a ball. “We both know that won’t last.” He unfolds his lanky frame to stand up and I feel—I don’t know. Like I shouldn’t let him be right.
“If you don’t want to eat lunch here tomorrow, you could, um, eat with us,” I tell him.
Matthias stares at his red sneakers, looking mildly alarmed. “I don’t think so. Thanks, though.” He darts away before I can respond, and it’s probably just as well. I don’t know what we’d talk about for more than a few minutes anyway.
It’s hot for March—not the best day for me to get ditched by a sick Emma—so I’m grumpy and sweating by the time I trudge onto my block. My phone rings, and I curse at it under my breath. Hardly anyone calls me except my mother, so I don’t even have to look at the screen before I answer. “Hey, Mom,” I say, pulling out my keys as I approach the front door of our building.
Her voice is harried. “Hi, Phoebe. Is Emma with you? Can you put her on?”
I insert my key in the lock with one hand and twist it to the right. It doesn’t budge, and I grunt in annoyance as I pull it out to try again. Everything in this building looks great on the surface but works like actual crap. “She’s not with me,” I say distractedly.
Mom heaves a frustrated sigh. “I don’t understand. This isn’t like her!”
“Huh?” My mind is only half on her words as I wrestle with the key until the lock finally gives. “What isn’t like her?” I ask, pulling the door open.
“To just not show up like this. She’s supposed to be doing a walk-through for me at the restaurant where Ashton and Eli are having their rehearsal dinner. The manager could only be there this afternoon and I can’t leave work, so I asked Emma to go in my place. We had a whole list of questions prepared, but she never showed up. And she still hasn’t replaced her phone, so I can’t even call her.”
One of Us Is Next Page 18