[RL89]Not only his actions, expand on what Roy is thinking. This way we get the full picture.
[RL90]This is great, from one of their perspective, either Lee or Glaidous go into their thoughts. Their mindset as to how they feel. What is their reaction to actually see true free people.
[RL91] But he
[RL92]Add a little more on how Theenda feels and her mindset. She’s was hoping to talk about slaves or what is going on and her husband comes back barely talking and exhausted. What is she feeling?
[RL93]That’s fantastic. I like how Haze is saying what normally gets bypassed. Great job.
[RL94]Interesting that Charles is sensible but Sam, who is new to power isn’t.
[RL95]They’re so smooth.
[RL96]Good way to tell a point. Very funny.
[RL97]Is this library conference room in the church, or in a separate library? I was wondering because the chapter starts with the church.
[RL98]Great way of breaking expectations. Also it shows what Donovan was feeling through his words, but what set this up was the paragraph before giving his actions and mindset before speaking.
[RL99]Excellent it sets the next section through Theenda’s experience.
[RL100]Excellent flashback.
[RL101]That’s wonderful. Diffusing a situation in an interesting way.
[RL102]We do get who’s speaking, but a few of the lines put in there a Donovan said, or a Haze responded or something.
[RL103]Add just a little of how Haze felt about the situation and having to call Tess. Then go into him calling.
[RL104]Somewhere in here put in that Haze hung up. I was thinking Tess heard some of their conversation.
[RL105]I think I missed something, where were they. I guess at Kay Kay’s house?
[RL106]I know the next chapter is Juneteenth, is she referring to something else or a different time?
[RL107]Is this a city? California, OK, never heard of that before.
[RL108]Add one paragraph as to how Donovan is finally seeing Charles. This is it. The good vs bad, but from a distance. Now we can get mindset, feelings, and emotions. Most of this book has been the dichotomy between the two sides, and now we see them in the same seen.
[RL109]Sections like this really rounds out a character. Parts like this throughout the book helps flesh out everything.
[RL110]As much as what they’ve been through, this is pretty funny and adds humor.
[RL111]That’s perfect.
[RL112]This is great point of view from Helen. It provides a different feeling on the situation, very realistic.
[RL113]From their standpoint, this would be crazy. Telling this entire section from Helen’s pov was a great way to change the feeling of the story.
[RL114]Tess is terrible. But this is great to keep the story moving. Little bits like this make the story flow.
[RL115]This is a great transition paragraph.
[RL116]The entire section before this is written very well. IT has the perfect tone and flow. I was like wow. To see the aftermath of the fire. Yeah, that was good. It sounded like the remains of a battle sequence.
[RL117]That’s funny. Their response.
[RL118]Donovan, his
[RL119]This is a long sentence, maybe break it in half to create two sentences.
[RL120]overseers’ – {if it’s more then one, then the apostrophe goes after the s, if it’s only one then it’s overseer’s
[RL121]That’s an interesting fact.
[RL122]Very personable and can imagine him saying that.
All But One Page 58