“If you’ve harmed one fucking hair on her head, I will gut you, slow and fucking long-”
“Jay, it’s me.” Harper’s voice fills the night’s air and my brother visibly relaxes.
I can’t stand to watch my best friend’s relief as he proceeds to exhales heavily hearing his wife’s voice. I will never hear India’s voice again and we will never make it to marriage. I don’t need to hear this, I only need a location and I can be told that without having to be part of this conversation. I head for my bike, waiting to ride, finally knowing where we’re going. I’m nearly there when she says, “I need to speak to Leo.” I spin around and find I’m not the only one confused.
“Leo?” JJ spits out through his anger. “You need to fucking talk to me, Harps. I’m serious, where are you?”
“Please, pass me to Leo.” The urgency in her tone has me walking over to JJ and plot up beside him.
“You’re on speaker, talk,” I tell her.
“No, take me off. Hurry up, I don’t have long.”
I snatch the phone from him and turn my back on them as I turn off speakerphone. I’m one second away from my best friend punching me in the back of my head, this needs to be the call we need.
“Harper, where did he take you? We’re out looking but we’ve got nothing.”
“I don’t know and if I did, I wouldn’t tell you. Listen, I’m so sorry, more than you will ever know, but you need to go home, all of you and stop looking. I know this sounds crazy and you’re angry, but Rayna needs you now. Go to her.”
She isn’t making sense. Why wouldn’t she want to come home? She hates Ellis, she’s afraid of him, she wouldn’t voluntarily stay with him.
“Harper?”
“Tell JJ I’m most sorry to him, tell Cas I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone.”
The phone is ripped from my hand and JJ barks down the line. He glares at me and launches the thing when he hears the dead ringtone.
“Shit, prospect, go find my fucking phone,” he barks and then shoves at me.
I’m getting real fucking tired of being shoved today.
“What was that?” he yells. “Did she say where she is? Any clues?”
“No, she said to stop looking for them, to go home.”
“Piss off, brother. She wouldn’t say that,” Sparky puts in.
This time my phone rings and Harper’s name comes up. I answer quickly before JJ can rip the thing from me.
“JJ’s going out of his mind…”
“He is no concern of mine. I’m calling myself to let you know that we’re now even, Jackson.”
Even? Going for my brother would have made us even, and I still would have hunted him down and took him out. Taking India from me doesn’t make us even, it takes this fight to a whole new level, one where death is the only outcome.
“Fuck you.”
“No, fuck you. You took the most important person from me and now I’ve taken the same from you.”
He is out of his mind if he thinks this makes us even, it’s not even close, not by a long fucking mile.
“You’ve taken my sister too, asshole.”
“She came willingly, I didn’t need to manipulate her or threaten her.”
I’m sure he didn’t, this prick is certainly out of his mind.
“We’re never going to stop looking for her, or you.”
“And you’ll be wasting your time and energy. Go home and raise that beautiful daughter of yours, it isn’t like she has a momma anymore. Keep her safe, Leo, I dig up old grudges when I’m in a bad mood or just simply, bored.”
The call ends and I lean over the rails and the contents of my stomach hits the ground. Rayna, India, a kid with no mother, and a dead fiancé. I’ve lost everything. She lost her life and he speaks about it like he’s stolen a bike.
Sparky joins me and asks, “What was said this time?” He’s losing his patience and I don’t blame him.
“That we’re even and Harper went willingly with him.”
JJ lunges for me and slams against me, we end up in a heap on the ground, and Sparky and Ricky are soon trying to pull us apart.
“Everything that has happened, everything that will happen to her, is on you,” he spits at me. His face so close I can feel his breath hitting me. “You know that, don’t you?”
Using all his strength, Sparky drags him away and shoves him towards his bike. I don’t bother getting up, down here on the dirt is where I belong. My daughter doesn’t need me tonight, she needs her mom holding her and singing her to sleep, even though she was a terrible singer and because of me, she’ll never hear her awful songs again.
I hear Ricky and Sparky murmuring nearby, but I don’t catch what they’re saying. I look up at the sky and there are millions of stars twinkling away. Squeezing my eyes shut, I roll over and drag myself up to my feet.
“Like fucking hell,” JJ yells. I don’t know what I’ve missed but JJ is not happy.
I give them my full attention as JJ moves face to face with his dad. He’s never faced up to him like this before and again, I wonder what I’ve missed.
“No, everyone back to the club,” Sparky orders, and taking a stab in the dark, I guess he’s repeating himself.
“Fuck that,” I say, catching both their attention.
“I agree,” JJ snaps.
Sparky takes us both in and while I haven’t had the pleasure of ever being on the wrong side of him, I can tell why some people never cross him a second time. “You’ll both do as I say.”
“My wife, and the guy who shot his fiancé is still out there, you don’t get to say shit…”
Sparky shoves his own son, and brothers move in closer. This night is messing with everyone and Ellis would take great pleasure in watching us fight amongst ourselves.
“Yes, I do,” he hollers and steps back from his son. “We’re riding back to the club, Harper might be out there, but she went with him. Whatever is going on with her, she’s keeping herself alive. We’re going to regroup, and we’re going to right every fucking wrong. You disobey me, son, and it’ll be the last thing you do, patch or no patch.”
Their standoff doesn’t last very long before JJ storms over to his bike and revs his engine when he brings his machine to life. Brothers follow suit and my mind goes blank. A shot echoes between my ears and India’s blood replaces the darkness in my mind, it spills near my boots and the urge to puke again rolls in my stomach.
“I can’t go back there,” I murmur, then repeat it more loudly.
I can’t go back to the cabin yet either. I made it a home for the three of us. She will be everywhere I look, in every room.
“I’ll go to my parents house, but I’m not going to the club.”
Her blood is probably still on the floor, even if someone has cleaned it up, I know exactly where she fell. Scrubbing his hand over his face, Sparky nods once and turns to the brothers.
“Luca, JJ, and Ricky will ride to Cas’s place. Everyone else, ride back to the club and hold it down until instructed otherwise.”
Nobody else argues with him and as I swing my leg over my bike, I’m caught off guard, JJ is staring straight at me. I don’t care whether he hates me or feels sorry for me. All I know, India is gone, and my heart hasn’t even broken yet. I’m still waiting for it to smash through the numbness. I blank the ride and when we pull up outside my dad’s place, Zach is sitting on the porch steps and flicks his smoke across the gravel drive as he stands.
Here it comes, another fucking lecture, possibly a punch or two. I welcome it though; he is more than capable of packing a sting in his punches and I crave it. I fucking need it.
I hold my chin high as I climb off my bike and broaden my shoulders. This pain is nothing to what I’ll feel when India truly hits me. All I have of her is an image of her hitting the ground, over and over. I’ve yet to feel anything more. Zach reaches me and I keep my eyes open, I’m not going to hide from him or his anger.
I let him down by letting India down. She wa
s my old lady and mine to protect and I failed her, I failed her family by breaking my word I gave them when I promised to keep her safe and by my side.
No punches arrive, he pulls me against him and hugs me. There are no tears being shed. There are no platitudes offered. Just a hug and then I break.
Now, my heart is breaking. It’s all too real if Zach is fucking hugging me. Zach doesn’t do nice, and he certainly doesn’t fucking hug.
My chest shakily rises and falls as I struggle for breath. There are too many people here to see me fall. I pull away from Zachery and walk inside after Luca unlocks the front door.
I head straight for dad’s liquor cabinet in the kitchen and choose the biggest bottle I can find. I don’t care what it is, I just want the bottle with the most content.
Silently, Luca slips onto the counter, the brothers file in and sit around the kitchen table and I join them, taking a long pull on the whiskey as I sit. It burns my throat, yet it still isn’t enough.
JJ places his phone on the table and then proceeds to watch it. “She’ll call again.”
I’m not sure if he’s telling himself or everyone around him, but none of us answer.
“You want a glass to go with that?” Sparky asks, nodding his head to the bottle in my hand.
“No.”
“Never mind a glass, Harper is still out there,” JJ says through gritted teeth.
“And Harper made it clear she’s handling herself and for us to back off,” Sparky says, sighing and running his hand over his shaved head.
“Cas will send us straight back out; this is bullshit and he’ll call it as soon as he steps through the door.” Sparky rests his forearms on the table and clasps his hands together as he sits opposites his son.
“You’re probably right, but we’ve riding all night, the club is a wash with innocent blood and brothers are hurting. You can’t run on empty, son.”
I tune them out and kick back out of the chair. I can’t listen to this. I want Harper home, of course I do, but my girl isn’t ever coming home. There isn’t hope like JJ has. No amount of mind-numbing searching is settling this pain in my chest and seeing Zach only reminds me of her. No one objects to me leaving the room and I climb the stairs and shut myself in my childhood room. Nothing has changed, my shit is still laid out on the shelves, my wardrobe door still has a hole in it from JJ and I fighting years ago, but above all, there no memories of India in here and it leaves me cold.
Mom was talking about turning this into a room for Rayna now I have the cabin and I try to picture it as my mom would decorate it. Endless shades of pinks and whites, all the girly shit she could get her hands on and then the tears come. India would have helped her. India would have been the one to drop our kid off to her grandma so we could spend nights alone together. The next morning, we’d come and collect her, and the door would open and Rayna would bounce excitedly to see her mom coming up the porch. None of that is going to happen now.
Sliding my back down the door, I sit on the floor and drain half the whiskey. What am I going to do without her?
Cas
I feel every bump in the road as Alannah drives us home to pack a case before we head out to the club.
Closing my eyes, I block out the need to puke and blood washes out the view of the old dirt road to our house.
I’ve had too much blood staining my hands over the years, but India’s is staining them like no other. My son’s fiancé, the mother of my granddaughter, she wasn’t just someone who pulled at my conscious once or twice and then moved on. I have to see the pain in my son’s eyes every time I look at him, I have to live with Rayna growing up with no mom.
“I need to be on my bike,” I murmur as the house comes into view. Being on the road doesn’t solve my problems, but it sure as shit makes me feel free for a while.
“Hopefully, this course of treatment has worked, and you’ll be back on your bike before you know it. You just won’t be lighting up a smoke when you do.”
Sighing, I know all this but hearing it makes it so final, and a part of me wants to rebel. It’s a huge fucking part of me, I’ve rebelled against everything in my life and not once have I ever regretted it. But, it’s for my health and it wasn’t until I was this close to kicking it that I’ve hungered to live. It’s funny, all these years I’ve brushed with death and I never feared it, but to be taken out by a cigarette is humiliating. Facing off with enemies, bullets and explosions and it was, and still could be, a little white fucking stick that ends me.
At the hospital we got the call to say Sparky and the rest were meeting at my place so their bikes all lined up on the drive doesn’t surprise us.
My bike sits proudly, and unharmed, next to Leo’s on the end and I exhale. My beast made it home in one piece. We’ve already been warned Leo’s hit the bottle but at least, my bike is all good.
“Leave Leo to me, I’ll handle him. You make sure the brothers are fed and watered.”
They need their strength and if I can’t be on the road with them, I can damn well make sure they’re at their strongest.
“How are you going to handle him?” She wants to know, parking in front of the bikes.
“Fuck, Lana, I don’t know but he’s our son and I’m not going to let him lose himself.” That much I’m sure of.
Inside the house, I block out the sense of being home and follow the chatter of my brothers coming from the kitchen.
Alannah is close behind and goes straight for the fridge as Ricky gives up his chair for me to sit.
I nod once and sit my ass down before I fall down. The first thing I notice is Leo is not here. Luca is on his phone by the back door and is as disinterested as always. I’m not sure if I should be worried about him or not. He liked India and he doesn’t like many people to start with.
“Where is he?”
Sparky looks up and says, “Upstairs, with your finest bottle of whiskey.”
My cheeks balloon as I exhale heavily, not giving a shit about the drink, he can drink whatever he wants if it helps with his pain but it’s not going to be pretty.
“Is your dad still at the club, Zachery?” I ask knowing full well he is.
Young Zachery is looking as lost as I feel and I won’t have anyone withdrawing into themselves, as hard as it will be. Especially him, the fucker is quiet enough without adding grief to it.
“Yeah, he wants to stay close to mom and In…dia.”
Her name sticks in his throat and I carry on, stopping him from delving too far into himself.
“And Rayna? I’ve been told your old lady is watching her, is she good with kids?”
“Rayna isn’t complaining,” he mutters, tensing up.
Good. I want my men angry. Angry I can deal with and rally and push forward. Grief and pain hides behind a wall for me and makes shit difficult. My old friend Oak has been the only loss I’ve suffered and even then, I push that shit down.
“Alannah’s going to cook you up some food and then we’ll go to the club and set plans for our next move.”
I pull myself up from the table and catch my breath before I leave the room. Sparky follows me out into the hall. He steps around me and blocks my way.
“Brother, I’m worried about you,” he tells me.
“You should be.” I snort. “I’m this close to puking over everyone, I’m closer to dying if this treatment hasn’t worked, my kid is upstairs no doubt trying to drink himself to death so he can be with his old lady and my daughter is with a psychopath I only wish I knew where. More fucking pain and more fucking grief has hit us and all I can do is bark orders as I sit on the fucking side lines.”
“Cas,” he says, frowning, full of pity.
I hate it and I hate the sorrow he feels for me.
“No, don’t you dare fucking look at me like that. I’m pissed I can’t do anything.”
“The brothers know you’re ill, Cas. As much as they all think you’re superman, you fucking aren’t. Talk to your boy and then we’ll make fires, sick
or not.”
He slaps his hand on my shoulder, and I hide how much it’s physically weighing me down, that’s how weak I am.
“Make sure Zachery eats and be ready for murder.”
He disappears back into the kitchen and I drag my ass up the stairs. Leo’s old room is at the back of the house and as I walk towards his door, it brings so many memories back. In the middle of the night when he would have a nightmare and I would sit beside him until he fell asleep. Or the time when he and JJ were fucking around trying to build a fort on his bunkbeds and he fell off the top bunk. We thought he had a broken arm for sure, and funnily enough, it was me who flapped like a bitch with him, Alannah knew he was fine, told me some shit about how she would feel it if he was in broken pain.
Another time, I caught him trying to use one of my old razors to shave his three face pubes. I sat him on the edge of tub and educated him on the ritual of shaving. Every moment in this house has brought us closer. It’s a proper family home like I always craved.
I smell the smoke before I open his door and he’s sat on the floor in the corner of the room, the bottle of whiskey in one hand and a cigarette in the other.
“If you’re here to tell me I have to drown in blood and fight, I don’t want to hear it.”
I take in his words and sit on the end of his old bed. Alannah never wanted to change his room when he moved into the club, I never pushed the idea either because I liked he always had a room here with us, no matter how old he became.
“I’m not going to tell you to do shit, I’m here to tell you what I’m going to do.”
Keeping his eyes on mine, he swigs from the bottle and the glaze becomes thicker over his face.
“She’s gone, dad. I don’t care what anyone is doing.”
He slams his head back against the wall and a tear rolls down his cheek, followed by another and another. He makes no move to wipe them away and inhales deeply on the smoke. He is in no position to do anything, he’s drowning in pain and I can’t watch him sink.
I pull out my phone and call Tal.
He’s quick to answer and I sigh before speaking.
“Find Pope and bring him to my house.”
His One Regret: Sons Of Lost Souls MC Book Four Page 10