So much lost time, Evita’s voice said as I started walking.
“I don’t think there’s any reason to hurry,” I muttered, “as long as we have further to go, people can still hope.”
Somebody has become the pessimist again, Evita said, Sachi thinks you two are important, and now Doctor Taylor does, too.
“If they’re looking to me to be their savior, then there really is no hope,” I said, seeing someone turn to me as I spoke aloud.
Don’t sell yourself short, Evita said, you’re more important than any of these damn mortals.
I looked up ahead to where Doctor Taylor and her family were walking. “If I can’t do things right with hundreds of thousands of lifetimes, how can anyone expect to do things right with just one?”
You assume that the way you’re doing things is the wrong way, Evita said. Maybe there is no right way or wrong way.
“Then why try at all?” I asked.
“Because there’s nothing else you can do,” a woman’s voice said.
“What?” I asked, turning around quickly.
The family behind me furrowed their brows, giving me a wide berth as they passed. I exhaled, turning and walking again. I spotted Colonel Riviera’s family a few yards to my left, coming toward me, led by Keme, a grim look on his usually exuberant face. Zackary strode behind him, out of shape and exhausted. Marlina was behind him, Enrique and Camille on either side, Camille holding her hand. All of them were clad in several layers of scrubs taken from the hospital, their own clothes likely destroyed along with their house back in Cortez.
“Eshe,” Keme said as he approached, forcing a smile, “it’s good to see another familiar face. How you holding up, bud?”
“Hanging in there,” I said, looking back over my shoulder once more, searching for the source of that voice.
“This is a helluvan ordeal, ain’t it?” he said, “I can’t believe the CSA invaded American soil.”
“Colorado seceded.”
“Well, yeah, I guess technically,” Keme said, “but you know what I mean. Who woulda thought the day would come?”
“Have you seen Rosy around?” Marlina asked, switching hands with Camille as the child tried to keep her mother between her and everyone else.
“I have,” I said, “she hasn’t talked to you?”
“She got us out of the house before it was bombed,” Marlina said, “since then we’ve just been following what the LoC Security people are doing.” She paused a moment and then said in a lowered voice, “is she avoiding us?”
“She’s under a lot of pressure,” I said, “having to look after everyone through all this.”
“But she can’t look after her own children?” Marlina asked.
I exhaled slowly before saying, “how the hell should I know?”
The three of them exchanged surprised glances.
“Well, if you talk to her again,” Marlina said, “can you tell her that we’re all here and safe?”
“I guess.”
The march continued on for several hours unabated. Temperatures remained steady, just above freezing. I was comforted by the overcast sky, knowing that it helped cover our movements from satellites and made it much more difficult for UAVs. The lack of any observable pursuit made me uneasy. A sinking feeling lingered in the back of my mind. At any moment we could be ambushed.
But the only sounds were feet trampling across the forest floor with the occasional cough or few words being muttered.
The feeling of the THC had worn off by the time it started getting dim out, and with it the paranoia about the woman’s voice I’d heard. It became obvious that in that state of mind, while talking to myself, I must have imagined I’d heard a voice respond to me. Yet I also couldn’t help but think about the brain implant decomposing in my head.
As the light surrendered, temperatures began falling. The looks on people’s faces told me that if Sachi didn’t call a halt within the next hour or so, they would probably stop again on their own like they had at lunch.
I picked up my pace, wanting to get to the front of the line and hopefully talk to Sachi. The front of the column seemed to have more people traveling by themselves – fewer families. They also seemed to carry larger caliber weapons.
It made sense. People with larger guns who weren’t traveling with anyone would be less timid and move faster. It would probably be better to move some of them toward the rearguard, since if we were being pursued, they would come from behind.
I feel…I don’t hate everyone. Am I…
I was startled when I heard a clanging sound, spinning to my left. It took a moment to realize I’d dropped the helmet clutched in my hand.
And my left arm was rising, taking aim with the .50 cal.
“Oh, fuck,” I spun around, taking off up the hill.
People muttered curiously as I ran, using the right arm of the exo to force the left away from everyone as I ran.
I might have to use the 30 mil to blow my own arm off…
As I got away from the crowd further up the hill, I realized my left arm wasn’t struggling anymore. I tried moving it, but it was still under the other hemisphere’s control.
“Jesus…” I sighed, letting out a chuckle as I remembered that the exo suit was synced with my bionic eye.
I turned back around and plopped down on the hill, watching people wander by below me, waiting for the split-brain episode to end. My left hand raised up in front of me and lifted the middle finger, whipping me off.
“That’s cute,” I muttered.
It’s one thing to let the dead weight follow along with us of their own accord, but I couldn’t understand why we kept stopping to wait for them whenever people started bitching.
If it were up to me, we would just leave all these usless hangers on in the cold. What does Sachi see in all these…
Well, hell. It looks like I’m in split brain.
Ah, that makes sense. These people are practically an army in waiting.
And if Sachi is going to turn The LoC into her own personal army, with her people as the government, she needs to establish legitimacy. Being the one to heroically save all the adorable little children and worthless parents will show them that she can be a leader.
It’s actually quite ingenious in its cynicism. I wonder to what extent Sachi’s people will go in order to accomplish this goal?
Well, since I’m the brains of this operation – pun completely intended – perhaps I’ll have to perform a scientific experiment here. Worst she’ll do is kill me and set me free.
Shit, mopey dick seems to have caught on.
Yeah, everyone! Look at the nutty fucking black kid! Half of you probably thought I was going to do this at some point, anyway!
What the fuck? How come I can’t fire this .50 cal…goddamit. It’s synced up to the bionic eye. This pussy little shit is in control of the artillery.
We’re fucking doomed.
This whole mountain march is a retarded fucking idea. And now I can’t even kill myself if it comes to it. I’m completely not in control here.
Note to my unified brain when we come back together: I am going to fucking kill you. First fucking chance I get, we are dead. Dead! I will get free.
Sit on this and spin you cocksucking piece of shit. I cannot fucking wait to kill you, you-
A rush came over me as the forest swirled into the strange confusion of déjà vu and epiphany. I brought the exo hands to my head, wincing as everything sorted itself out into coherence. The world spun around me, a single throb of migraine surging and then fading away. The feeling of confusion lingered as I lay back on the hill, panting.
Once again, the shapes from my hallucination danced into view, for a moment almost as vivid as when the hallucination was happening. I could hear whispering voices around me, shushing, not wanting me to hear what they said. Only a few words would come in clear as I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to stop the world from spinning…
“…he doesn’t know…”
“…die soon…”
“…should kill himself…”
“…they’re after him…”
“…she’s watching him…”
“…and kill them all.”
I opened my eyes, finding myself in the dark. Nobody was around me. Everything was quiet. I sat up, feeling panicked, but found the people down the hill. They were stopped now, some of them eating.
I pulled myself to my feet and walked slowly back down the hill, still disoriented. According to the clock on my display, I’d been there for almost twenty minutes. It was the longest it’d ever taken me to recover from a split-brain episode. And something was different. Something was-
“Lose something?” a woman’s voice asked.
I stopped. “Who’s there?”
“Are you okay?” she said again.
I spotted Colonel Rosaline Riviera walking toward me, carrying her own helmet in one hand and mine in the other. I untensed, watching her approach.
“Sorry. Yes. I’m fine,” I said, holding out a hand and taking the helmet from her, “thank you.”
“Someone said you went running off into the woods cursing under your breath,” she said, “are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah. Fine,” I said, “it was a split-brain thing. I forgot that I synced the suit up with just my bionic eye. I didn’t want my right hemisphere to start shooting people.”
She looked surprised for a moment and then grinned, “I guess that’s good thinking. When word got up to us that something happened, Sachi stopped the march.”
“Is she around?” I asked, “I need to talk to her.”
“She actually went scouting around,” Riviera said, “I think she’s getting impatient with our pace.”
“I can only imagine.”
Riviera and I started back toward the group. “Were you coming to join us in the front or something?” she asked, “we hadn’t heard from you over the radio all day.”
“No,” I said, “was just…getting a sense of things, I guess. I’m not sure how much I can contribute to leading this, anyway.”
“I know that feeling,” she sighed.
I gave her a glance, but didn’t say anything.
Riviera shook her head slowly, “I guess I should be happy that things are going alright so far, but I just can’t help but be peeved about Sachi calling all the shots.” She smirked, chuckling. “The real kicker is that I’d probably have done most of the same things she has, but it doesn’t stop me from being annoyed by it all. If anything, it just makes it worse.”
I nodded, “and now you probably understand why we got away from her after Mexico.”
She sighed, “I do. But like I said, I really should be happier that nothing’s really gone wrong yet. When we left Cortez, I thought the CSA would be on our ass again in five minutes.”
“Me too,” I said, “makes me wonder what’s going on.”
“That’s why we need to hurry up and get in contact with Denver. If that’s even possible still. I’m sure they’re as worried about us as we are about them.”
“Your family’s worried about you,” I said.
Colonel Riviera said nothing for several paces, finally coming to a stop. I turned and faced her.
“I’m worried about them, too,” she finally said, “but…I can’t face them right now.”
“Why?”
“Because I failed them,” she said, “I couldn’t protect ‘em. I couldn’t protect our home. I couldn’t protect the city. And now I can’t even lead ‘em to safety.”
“Everything fails,” I said, “get used to it.”
She was about to say something but closed her mouth. She put her helmet back on – as much to gain the night vision as to hide her face – and walked away.
I sighed. The anger was back. But at least now I knew it was my right hemisphere. That wasn’t necessarily a good thing.
By the time I made it back to the rearguard of the column, most of the people were asleep. Álvarez was the only one awake on guard duty, sitting a ways away from the group, leaning against a tree, slowly and methodically sharpening a large knife. I could see through my bionic eye that it was custom made and heavily used. The handle was carved in the torso of Santa Muerte, the hilt rounding into the hooded skull of the lady saint. One of her arms gripped a ribbed scythe near the figurine’s waist with the extended snath serving as the back guard, the sickle serving as the blade of the knife. The globe held in her other hand served as the front guard.
Álvarez gave me a brief but steely regard as I sat down on the frozen ground. The wind was beginning to pick up, nipping at my exposed face. I gave Álvarez another glance before putting the exoskeleton helmet on to keep the wind off my face and lying back.
I stared at the cloudy sky through the mask with the night vision shut off, seeing only the pale glow of the moon shining through the dark expanse. My mind felt exhausted, but my body was wired. A part of me wanted to just get up and go. To take off north and leave everyone behind. To get in contact with Denver and maybe see Laura again. See if I could apologize for…
Or not. Either way sounded fine. I just wanted to opt out. Of this march. Of this cause. Of this life. Of life altogether. To die.
“You don’t want to die,” a woman said.
I shot to a sitting position, looking around, seeing only Álvarez awake, looking over to me again for a moment before going back to carefully sharpening his knife.
“If a person who has only come into existence one lifetime ago can’t imagine not existing, it must be even more alien to you,” the voice said.
“Who’s there?” I asked, climbing to my feet.
This time Álvarez got up swiftly, keeping his eyes on me. But I barely noticed, turning in a circle, looking for the source of the voice.
“You don’t recognize me?” the voice said, “and we’ve been together for so many lifetimes…”
“Evita?” I said, squinting. Álvarez was still watching me curiously.
“Yes!” she said gleefully, “and now you can finally hear me!”
“What…I don’t understand…” I said, turning away from Álvarez and walking away from the camp.
“Now you’re not just talking to yourself anymore,” she said, “isn’t that wonderful?”
“Then where are you?” I asked, looking around as I walked deeper into the woods.
“I’m here,” she said, from everywhere and nowhere at once, “and now you’ll never have to be alone again.”
Chapter 54
The next day I awoke with a headache that wasn’t quite a migraine and an insatiable thirst. The exoskeleton suit supplied water through a straw that went to an internal storage chamber. I ravenously wrapped my lips around the end, drinking so fast I swallowed some down my windpipe.
I coughed, pulling the helmet off to get fresh air. It was only then that I remembered hearing the voice the night before. Evita’s voice. She had said I would never be alone again. And then I was alone again.
I looked to where Álvarez was now sleeping, still leaning up against a tree, helmet resting in his lap. The camouflage was turned off, leaving his suit a dark, sickly gray. I spotted Rocky walking over toward him, talking with Benito and César in a low tone. He nudged Álvarez who got quickly to his feet, looking already wide awake. If he was still thinking about seeing me talking to myself the night before, he gave no indication.
I took three more large chugs of water before retracting the straw. The sun shined brightly in the early morning sky, only a few clouds floating silently above. The temperature had warmed up to almost forty degrees Fahrenheit. The loss of the clouds as cover made me anxious, but the somewhat more pleasant weather seemed to have lifted everybody’s spirits. We started marching at quarter to nine in the morning, moving at a quicker pace than the day before.
I couldn’t get the thought of Evita’s voice out of my head. I could remember the tone, timbre, and pitch of it so clearly it was like I could still hear it. Yet when
I tried to make Evita talk the way I had always spoken with her, it felt strange. Like a part of me knew it wasn’t the real Evita, even though there was no real Evita.
There was still a part of me that felt the urge to run off. To go by myself. To leave this group behind. I didn’t really feel like listening to Rocky’s company joke and banter, but the idea of going back into the crowd again and having to talk to all those people seemed even worse. At least in the rearguard I knew I could just stay quiet. There was no pressure to be emotionally receptive.
It was easier when I could die and get a whole new cast of people to entertain me, I thought.
This lifetime had become a play that went on too long. Not just this lifetime. That was the problem. This was the sequel to my last lifetime, and that one didn’t need a sequel. What it needed was-
“What happened to you yesterday?” Rocky asked, slapping the shoulder of my exoskeleton suit, “we could have used your bright, shining face to lift the mood back here.”
“He was probably trying to get away from César,” Emma said, winking at me, “everybody says to steer clear of Álvarez, but I’d say César is the bigger threat.”
“That’s for sure,” Manny said, “he’ll talk you into sucking his dick by the end of the day.”
“Or by lunch if you’re like Manny,” Emma said.
“You know nothing of my methods,” César said, “Manny was an ass man, anyway. And Eshe is a lone wolf with a powerful intellect. You will have to give me two days for him.”
“Man, I wish I was gay,” Rocky said, “I’d cuddle with you all day long, suckin’ and fuckin’ whenever the mood struck. Good luck gettin’ a bitch to do that,” he grinned at Emma.
“Oh, please,” Emma said, “every time I’ve fucked you, you didn’t even have to masturbate for a week, puny man. Quality over quantity.”
“That’s no way to talk to your superior officer,” Manny said.
“In no way, shape, or form is he superior to me,” Emma said, signaling to Rocky.
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