by Levine, Nina
“And it won’t. Not until you decide to let it go. You’re stuck and you’re holding onto it.”
My chest pumps hard with fury. “You think I want this?”
“I think you have every reason to be angry. I don’t think you want it, but I do think you want to cling to that anger with Jolene because it’s all you have. Anger, resentment and hurt. You’ve walked away from her physically, but you’re still with her emotionally. Until you can find a way to surrender those emotions, you’ll stay in this ugly place.” She moves closer and places her hand on my cheek. “I hate seeing you in this pain, Luke. I want you to be happy again.”
Her words sit between us. I listen to everything she says, but I fight against letting it in. She’s right. I don’t want to let my anger go. If I do that, Jolene wins, and no fucking way will that woman win. She’s fucked me over enough. I refuse to give her another inch.
I enclose her hand in mine and kiss it while I try to get myself under control. “Don’t misunderstand my emotions, Callie. I might be angry with Jolene, but that doesn’t mean I’m stuck. I’m the happiest I’ve been in years and I’m moving forward. With you.”
She contemplates that. When she speaks, there’s sadness in her words. “You are stuck, Luke. I can see that.” She lets my hand go and makes her way back inside.
My heart beats a little faster in my chest. She’s never walked away from a conversation before. As much as I wanted some space and a minute to myself, I didn’t want her to leave.
Fuck.
25
Callie
“So what happened after that?” Avery asks on Sunday night when we’re out celebrating. The music in the club almost drowns out our conversation but I can just hear her. It’s busy; if I didn’t know better I’d think it was a Saturday night.
“He spent about half an hour outside by himself. The rest of us sat around the dining table listening to his mother talk about her man. When he finally came in, it was really awkward between us for a while. Like, I’m talking a couple of hours. Everyone left, including Paris. Sean had a sleep while Luke and I sat on the couch watching TV in silence.”
She pulls a face. “Oh, God, it sounds awful.”
“It was. Eventually, he started talking about the documentary we were watching and we just went from there, but it feels like there’s this distance between us now.” I slump against the table. “I hate it. I kinda wish I hadn’t said anything.”
She drinks the rest of the cocktail in front of her and shakes her head. “No, you had to say it, Callie. You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t tell the truth as you see it. And besides, I think you’re right.”
“Yeah, but he’s clearly not ready to hear it.” I drain my glass, too, and hold it up. “We need more.”
She laughs. “We do! I’ll be back.”
She leaves to get more drinks and I contemplate where Luke and I are. He was so distant this afternoon, but he made it clear he wanted me in his bed tonight, so at least there was that. I wish I were the kind of person who could just let this go, but I’m not. I want Luke to face his demons. I want him to let them go. And I know I’m going to push him to do that, which is what concerns me the most. Will we survive me doing that?
Avery returns and passes me a Long Island Iced Tea. We’ve been drinking them all night and I’m beginning to feel their effect.
“So, what’s the plan from here?” she asks.
“I’ll probably fuck up what we’ve got. That’s the plan.”
“Babe, Luke knows better than anyone who you are. He knows how stubborn you are and how you pursue something when you believe in it. He’s chosen to be with you regardless, so I think you need to give him some credit here and expect him to be ready for what you’re going to bring to this relationship.”
“You make a good point.” I take a long gulp of my drink. “I just hope you’re right because I’ve fallen in love with the man, and I might just die if he decides he doesn’t want me in his life.”
Her eyes widen with glee. “You have? Have you told him?”
“No, it’s only been a month. It feels too soon to tell him.”
“I don’t agree. I believe that when you know, you know.”
“Yeah, I do, too, but I don’t want to scare him away by declaring my love for him if he’s not ready to hear it.”
“If he’s scared away by that, then he’s not the man I think he is. I think you should tell him.”
Anxiety consumes my insides. I’m feeling so much anxiety tonight over so many little things. I’m actually irritated by myself. I gulp more of my cocktail. “God, why is this shit so hard? I just wanted love and I wanted it to be easier than this.”
“Yeah, don’t we all? But, would you give Luke up for an easier man who had no baggage?”
My heart constricts at the thought of giving Luke up. “God, no.” Disappointment flares also as I think about his thoughts on marriage. I’ve been going over it since then, finding it hard to forget what he said. I’ve always wanted to get married, so to have fallen in love with a man who seems so against it makes me sad. I can only hope he changes his mind in the future.
She raises her glass. “Drink up, babe. As much as you’re a mess of stress, you have a lot to celebrate. A good man, a career that’s taking off, and me.” She grins. “You’ll never get rid of me.”
I clink my glass against hers. “And you’ll never get rid of me.” After we both take a drink, I say, “How’s your Dad? And your sisters?”
“He’s doing okay. And Helena and Beth seem to be doing better. I got Helena to start seeing her shrink again. She’d stopped and I didn’t realise. And I’ve almost got Beth to the point of agreeing to start seeing someone, too. I’m just taking the chance to catch my breath before the next crisis comes up.” She pauses and her eyes bore into mine when she adds, “For once I’d just like a stretch of months for myself with no fires to put out. You know?”
“Oh, babe. I know. And I want that for you, too.” I feel useless. There are no words I can say to make her feel better. Avery is caught in the middle of her life and her family. Either path she chooses means she’ll give up something important to her. All I can do is be here for her when she needs me.
She takes a deep breath and as she does, she wipes away the anguish in her eyes. In its place is a sparkle of fun. “We need to dance.”
“Hell yes!”
We finish our drinks and make our way to the dance floor. It’s been way too long since we’ve done this. I soon lose myself to the beat of the music, and all my thoughts are soon forgotten.
At just after 2:00 a.m., I wander into Elixir. Thank goodness I stopped drinking a couple of hours ago in favour of dancing. I’m definitely drunk, but nowhere near as bad as I would have been. Avery dropped me off here in a cab so I could go home with Luke.
The bar is still busy, but people are starting to leave after last drinks have been called. Luke is nowhere in sight, though, and I head to his office to see if he’s in there. The door is closed so I knock and wait, hoping he’s here.
He opens the door almost straightaway and my legs wobble a little when he comes into view. My man never fails to make me swoon and tonight is no different. I step forward to move closer, but my damn heel causes me to stumble. Or maybe it’s the alcohol. Either way, I end up falling against him.
His arms stop my fall and a moment later, I’m in those arms with his eyes focused intently on mine. “You’ve had a good night,” he murmurs.
“Bloody heels,” I mutter.
“I thought you were going back to my house?” No smile. No sexy voice. He almost sounds mad, which just confuses me.
“Why are you cranky with me?”
“I’m not.”
Gah, still no smile.
He’s giving me nothing to go on here and my alcohol-muddled mind can’t work fast enough to figure him out.
“Luke, you’re being weird. Please tell me what I’ve done. Unless of course you’re still mad at me for this afte
rnoon. I’m sorry I upset you, bu—”
He places a finger to my lips. “Stop thinking, Callie, because you’re adding two plus two and getting five. All I said was that I thought you’d be at my place now.”
“Yes, but you didn’t use your Luke voice.” God, now I sound like a whinger.
“What the fuck is my Luke voice?”
I push against his chest to move out of his hold. He doesn’t let me go. Doesn’t even loosen his grip on me. I do the only thing I can—I kind of smack his chest. Well, you couldn’t really call it a smack, because he’s not giving me much space between us for that to happen. “Don’t use that tone on me!”
His eyes flash with frustration. “Jesus, what tone am I using?”
My brain still hasn’t kicked in fully, so I struggle to explain myself. “It’s the one you used to use on me all the time. Your frustrated one.”
He rakes his fingers through his hair. “That’s because I am frustrated with you. I asked you one question, which you still haven’t answered, and we’ve ended up discussing voices and tones.”
“Let me go,” I demand.
“No.”
“Oh, my God, Luke, you are so infuriating sometimes!” I want to stamp my feet like a petulant child, but I refrain.
“I’m infuriating?”
“Yes! I came here so you could drive me to your house. So we could have some time together. And you just stand here arguing with me.”
“If you’d just said that we could have avoided all this.”
I frown as my brain begins to put shit together. “Did you think I wasn’t coming back to your house?”
“I wasn’t sure what to think.” His voice is still tinged with that hard tone from a moment ago.
“Luke… of course I’m coming back to your house. You don’t get it, do you? I love you and I crave time with you. I’ll never say no when you ask me to sleep over or come for dinner or hang out with you and Sean. I’ll never say no to you for anything.” The words just tumble out of my mouth and I’m helpless to stop my declaration of love slipping in there.
His hold on me tightens so much I’m pressed hard against his body right before his mouth claims mine in a kiss that marks me as his.
It’s fierce and rough and demanding.
It’s everything.
I surrender to him completely.
And although he doesn’t tell me he loves me back, I know from this kiss that he feels it.
A little over two hours later, he spoons me after we’ve had sex. His arms are firm around me and I’m pretty sure I won’t be shifting from this position for the entire time I’m asleep.
Exactly how I like it.
“I’m not great at discussing my feelings, Callie,” he says into the darkness.
“Yeah, you kinda suck at it, but I feel like you’re improving.”
“Well, it’s hard not to improve when the woman I love keeps fucking pushing me.”
My heart soars.
I turn in his embrace, which he must have anticipated because he loosens his hold enough for me to do it. Kissing him, I say, “You do?”
He doesn’t say anything, just watches me so intensely that it sends a shiver along my skin. He then catches my lips again. And he kisses the hell out of me.
It’s the kind of kiss that goes on and on and on.
I could live in this kiss forever.
I could die in this kiss and never regret a moment in my life.
When his lips finally leave mine, he says, “I love you. I’m a stubborn bastard, though, so I’ll probably fuck this up along the way. Don’t give up on me, baby.”
I’m breathless and my mind is stumbling its way back to reality after that kiss, but I don’t mistake what I hear in those words. Luke might not have agreed with me that he needed to let his anger go, but he sure as hell heard me.
And he loves me.
26
Luke
I eye the old woman in front of me. She’s a firecracker; that’s for sure. The other thing I know for sure? She loves Callie as if she were her own daughter.
“Callie doesn’t need another man to come into her life and do her wrong. I hope your intentions are pure, young man,” she says after I help her settle on her couch.
I picked Callie’s neighbour up from the hospital two hours ago. Callie couldn’t get the day off work, so I offered to bring Mrs Harper home. It’s been an adventure, to say the least. We’ve been to the chemist, the supermarket and the newsagency so far, and she’s just advised me she also needs me to pick some supplies up from the hardware for her. She’s also just started to grill me on my relationship with Callie.
“I can assure you, Mrs Harper, that my intentions are absolutely pure.” Well, except where Callie’s body is involved. There are no pure thoughts there.
She narrows her eyes at me. “Tell me why I should believe you.”
Jesus, if I had a daughter, this is the kind of woman I hope would be in her court.
“You have no reason to believe me, but I’ll tell you I fell for Callie months ago. It had nothing to do with her beauty and everything to do with her heart. She has this way of being completely her without any bullshit or pretence. It’s refreshing. And I never want to change her. I love Callie for every little thing about her.”
My answer seems to give her reason to pause. “I’ll be keeping an eye on you, Mr Hardy. And if I see any hanky panky, I won’t hesitate to caution Callie.”
My lips twitch and I hold back the grin forming on my lips. But for all the amusement I’m feeling, I’m also grateful Callie has a woman like Mrs Harper looking out for her. I nod. “I understand.”
She returns my nod and beckons towards the TV remote. “Pass me the remote before you leave for the hardware store, please.”
I do as she asks and then make sure I have everything she requires on my list. For a woman who must be ninety not out, she sure does have her faculties about her. She’s after tap washers, light bulbs, paint and a new sink plug. Fuck knows what she plans on doing with paint, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she gets a paintbrush out and starts slapping it on the wall.
Once I’m sure she’s okay and has everything she needs, I head out to the hardware, calling Callie on the way.
“Hey, sexy man,” she answers.
“Your neighbour adores you. Did you know that?”
She laughs. “Why do you say that? And I wondered if she liked me. It’s hard to tell some days. She’s so bossy and serious.”
“She just drilled me with questions regarding my intentions towards you. I told her my intentions were purely sexual.”
“You did not!”
I chuckle. “No, but I considered it. Just to see what she’d say.”
“How is she?”
“She’s doing well. I think the doctor was keen to see her go home. She probably gave him hell. Her hip isn’t too bad now so she can at least hobble around with her walker, but, babe, I’m not sure how she’s going to cope on her own.”
“Yeah, I think I’ll have to check in with her every day for a little while. I’ll definitely do all her shopping for her.”
“You’re a good woman, Callie. She’s lucky to have you.”
“Did you take her to the supermarket?”
“I wouldn’t have dared stray from your instructions, baby.”
“I’m poking my tongue at you right now. You know that, right?”
“I can picture it clearly. And to put your mind at ease, we did the supermarket, chemist and newsagent, and I’m just heading to the hardware for her now.”
“Okay, I’ve put my tongue away. Thank you, Luke. I owe you.”
“Oh, I know. And I’m collecting tonight. Just so we’re clear, tonight’s an A-game night.”
“Dude, I’m at work. You can’t say shit like that when I’m at work.” She sounds flustered, which I fucking love.
“I’m just getting you ready. I want you wet as fuck for me by the time I get to you.”
She suc
ks in a breath. “Oh, God… I’m hanging up now.”
“Baby?”
“What?”
“I love you.”
Silence. After a beat, she says, “I love you, too, Luke.” Her voice is all soft and it hits me fair in the chest.
Fuck, I love that woman.
Callie’s surprised eyes meet mine that night when she finds me in my kitchen on her return from work. She frowns. “Why are you here? I thought you were working tonight.”
“I hired a new staff member a couple of weeks ago and he’s finally ready to take on some of my shifts.”
“You never told me you’d done that.” She dumps her handbag on the kitchen counter and closes the distance between us.
I snake my arm around her waist. “I didn’t want to tell you until I knew for sure he’d work out.”
Her face breaks out in a huge grin. “This is the best news I’ve received all day. How often do you think you’ll take the night off?”
“Not sure yet, but I’m aiming for at least Monday to Wednesday night off and to cut my hours back on other nights so I’m home by midnight or just after.”
She practically climbs up my body. Her arms circle my neck and her legs wrap around me. She then blesses me with a kiss that shoots all kind of need through me. “You know what this means, right?”
“I know what I hope it means.”
“You tell me yours first.” Fuck, I love it when Callie gets excited. She’s like a grown child bursting with happiness, and I can’t help but get caught up in her excitement. She makes me feel more alive than I’ve felt in years.
“I hope it means more time with you.”
She sighs. “It definitely will.”
“What were you thinking?”
Her eyes sparkle. “It means more A-game for you.”
I groan because I can hear Sean running through the house towards us, and all I want to do is sink as deep inside her as possible and lose myself to her love. I wouldn’t have it any other way, though. Any time spent with these two is time I would never give up.