by Levine, Nina
I eye her over my glass as I take a drink. “I’ve got nowhere to be. You go out.”
She stops eating and places her knife down. “I thought you might want to go out. See someone, apologise. That kind of shit.”
“Paris.” My tone holds a warning.
“Ugh, you are so infuriating. Why aren’t you out there chasing her down and telling her you were a dick? God knows you should be.”
“I told her it’s her choice. She knows where to find me.”
“Jesus, Luke, are you really this dumb?”
I shove my chair back and rise. “I refuse to allow Jolene back in this house. Callie invited her back by getting involved.”
“So either she ends this with Jolene or you end it with her?”
“Yes.” I carry my dish to the kitchen and place it in the dishwasher. Leaning my hands on the counter, I let out the angry breath trapped inside. As much as I’ve tried to shake it since my fight with Callie two days ago, I’m still holding onto the anger the fight stirred. I realise now it’s got more to do with Jolene than with Callie, but I refuse to budge on my decision.
Paris joins me in the kitchen. “I don’t understand you, Luke. Callie has lit up your life again—she’s made you smile more than I’ve ever seen you smile—and yet, you’re just going to let her go? Why?”
I grip the counter hard as I angle my face sideways to look at her. “Paris, do you know what Jolene did to me? What she really did to me?”
“She ripped your damn heart out, picked it apart so it was in tiny little pieces and then she fed it to the devil. That’s what she did. I know that, Luke, but don’t you see? Callie put it back together.”
She’s right, but there’s so much more that she doesn’t understand. I’m not sure anyone could ever fully grasp what my marriage has done to me. “Jolene did more than just rip my heart out, Paris. She took almost every ounce of belief and hope I ever had in the world and trashed it. She caused this wall of hate to grow inside me until all I saw when I looked at the world was black. She fucking stole my dreams. How could she sit through those years of me fighting to free her, and let me give up everything to do that? I thought I was letting this hurt and anger go, but hearing her voice on the phone the other day just showed me that I haven’t—that it’s still buried deep in my soul. It also showed me that I desperately need to find a way to let it go. And I can’t do that if Callie is standing in front of me, reminding me every fucking second that my past was my own personal form of hell.”
She considers what I’ve said, but she still doesn’t get it, because she frowns and says, “Honestly, I understand everything you’re saying, but at the same time it seems so simple to me. You love Callie. Why can’t that get you through?”
“Because it’s not that simple. I wish it were.”
The doorbell rings, bringing our conversation to an end. Paris leaves to answer it while I head into the lounge room. I’ve got some paperwork for the bar to get through and I’m going to do it while I watch some mindless television.
“Luke.” Callie’s voice cuts through my thoughts as I turn on the TV. Looking up, I find her watching me hesitantly from the doorway. “Can we talk?”
My heart squeezes in my chest at what I hear in her voice and what I see in her eyes. She’s hurting as much as I am. And yet, I’m unable to reconcile our disagreement over this. As much as I want her in my arms right now, I can’t switch off the feelings I have about this situation. I nod. “Yeah, we should.”
Her movements are slow as she makes her way to the couch. She sits at one end while I’m at the other. The distance between us is painful. “I’ve spent days thinking about everything you said.” She stops talking as if she’s scared to continue.
“And?”
She wrings her hands, dropping her gaze for a beat before finally meeting mine again. “I can’t do what you want.”
Her words are like a knife twisting in my heart.
“You mean you refuse to do what I want because can’t implies you actually could if you tried.”
Her eyes flare with more hurt, but I’m blinded by so much disappointment I barely see it. “I’m stuck, Luke. I love you and I want to do whatever I can to make you happy, but this isn’t something I can do in good conscience.”
I stare at her. “So you’re willing to just walk away from us? You’ll choose Jolene over what we have?”
“I’m choosing truth. For Jolene as much as for you and as much as for Sean.”
“She’s poisoned your mind, Callie. I don’t want that for you. Trust me, I’ve been down that road and it doesn’t end in a good place.”
She shifts a little closer to me. “She didn’t come to me. I went to her. How could she possibly be poisoning my mind? I wish you would just—”
“Just what?” My anger flares. “Just let her right on back in to continue fucking with my life? That will never happen.”
She stares at me for a couple of minutes before resignation appears to settle in. I see the fight leave her and my heart screams for me to end this maddening disagreement, but my mind is in control here. I’ll never allow my heart to rule me again.
She stands and comes to me then. Sitting next to me, she places her hand on my cheek. A single tear falls down her face before more start flowing. “I love you and I will always love you. You gave me so much and made me feel things I never imagined I would ever feel in my life.” She wipes her tears. “I just want you to be happy, Luke. Promise me you’ll find a way to be happy.”
Fuck.
I grip her arms. “Callie, don’t do this. You’re what makes me happy. I need you.”
She nods. “I know, and I need you, but I also need to stick to what I believe is the right thing. And pushing the truth aside in favour of personal gain is not the right thing to me.”
She leans forward and presses her lips to mine. Her kiss is slow, almost hesitant. It’s not a passionate kiss like all the ones we’ve shared before. This is a goodbye kiss. It’s over before my mind can even catch up. When she stands, she looks at me like she already misses me and says, “Goodbye, Luke.”
Shock pulses through my body as I watch her leave. I want to go after her and beg her to change her mind, but I’m paralysed.
I can’t breathe.
Jolene finally stole my breath.
34
Callie
I watch Jolene walk towards me while doing my best not to think about her husband. Walking away from Luke last night was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I spent the night crying. Sleep eluded me in favour of heartbreak and tears. The fact he didn’t come after me just about killed me. It sure as hell shattered my heart. But I should have expected it. If there is something Luke excels at, it is digging his heels in when he’s made a decision. The fact I share that trait seems to have determined our fate before we even got started.
“I didn’t think I’d ever see you again,” Jolene says after she sits across from me. I’ve visited her twice now and any inroads I’ve made to gain her trust appear to have been destroyed. The woman across from me has her armour fitted tight once again.
“Luke certainly tried to stop me from coming back.” I’m in a weird mood with her today. I can’t help but feel some resentment towards her, and yet I don’t want to feel that. I believe in her innocence enough to know any bitterness would be misguided. But if I wasn’t here trying to help her, Luke and I would still be together.
She doesn’t respond to that. In fact, she doesn’t speak again for a few minutes. I get the distinct impression she doesn’t want to be doing this with me today. “I don’t understand you. You’re dating my husband? Why didn’t you tell me? And why are you trying to help me if you’re with him?”
I sigh. I struggle to understand myself, too. “I didn’t tell you because that would just have made an odd situation really weird. When I told you I wanted to help you, I meant it. I didn’t go looking for this—it came to me. And I can’t walk away even if I wanted to.”
&
nbsp; She shakes her head. “Why? Most people would.”
“I believe in the truth. I’m flawed like everyone and might not always choose it, but I try to fight for it.”
“We have shades of truth, Callie. People twist the truth to suit themselves. And sometimes they completely fuck with it.” She is so broken it bleeds through her words and causes me to flinch. I’ve never had my life ripped apart by lies so I know I can’t fully understand her, but I can feel her torment.
I don’t know what to say to that so I say nothing.
Jolene leans forward. When she asks her next question, her voice cracks. “Does my husband love you?”
I inhale sharply. “Yes.”
Her eyes close and she takes a few quick breaths before opening them again. “And you love him?”
I nod as I swallow hard. “Yes.”
She stares at me. “How?”
“How what?”
“How did you two meet? How did you get together? How long has it been going on for?” Her face crumples as she continues. “How did my husband give up on me so easily?” No tears fall. I’m not sure Jolene has it in her to cry anymore, but the agony she’s in is clear as day from the way she hugs herself to the way she’s fighting to control her emotions.
My lip quivers as I take in her hurt. Tears threaten at the back of my eyes and I force out a breath in an effort to hold back those tears. I don’t even know where to start to try and explain to a wife how her husband moved on. In the end, I just start with her questions. “I met Luke over a year ago when he took over the bar where I was a customer. Nothing happened between us until just over four months ago when our friendship changed into something more.” I avoid her other question because it’s not my place to even go there. That’s between her and Luke.
She stares at me, her breaths coming fast. “I lost Luke a long time ago. I know that, but I always held onto the hope that we’d be able to find our way back to each other. I thought he loved me as much as I love him.”
It’s funny how the story behind a relationship is different depending on which person in the relationship you talk to. Luke thinks Jolene doesn’t know how to love and yet here she is telling me she thinks she loved him more than he ever loved her.
Talking about Luke with his wife is one of the strangest experiences of my life. I don’t know what to say. I came here to discuss her case, but she seems to have a different need. I decide to give her the space to express herself because I sense what this woman needs more than anything right now is someone to talk to about her loss. “How did you two meet?” I already know this, but it’s a way to open up a dialogue.
“He was a client where I worked. He came in for months buying clothes and I tried to work up the courage to talk to him more than a few words here and there. He came in one day just after my mother told me I’d never succeed in life—after I told her I had no money to give her to pay her rent. I was crying and he asked me out on a date. I think he felt sorry for me, but the date went really well and we started seeing each other. For the first time in my life, I had someone who looked at me and saw something more than a woman with nothing to offer the world. He put me on a pedestal and smothered me with love. And I loved him back harder than I had ever loved anyone. Until my mother got involved…” Her voice drifts off, as does her gaze.
I give her a minute with her memories before pushing for more. “What did your mother do?”
“After Luke proposed to me, she told me I needed to get pregnant as fast as possible. Said it was the best way to keep a man. I ignored her as best I could, but the thing about my mother was that she had this way of planting doubt everywhere. She didn’t let up until I was finally pregnant, and in that time, she made me question Luke’s fidelity and his love.” She pauses, never letting my gaze go. “I’ve never been a strong person, Callie. I admit that, but my mother made me feel worse about myself. And then Luke’s mother got involved, and that was the final nail in our coffin.”
I frown. “I’ve met Estelle. She seemed okay.”
“She never much liked me. I think I was too white-trash for her. But Luke always stuck up for me in the beginning and she backed off. After Sean came along, though, she butted in at every opportunity she could. She insisted on buying us a house. When Luke argued with her, she told him it would come from his inheritance, but he dug his heels in and said no. Then one day she just turned up with house keys. Luke fell in love with the house because of the amazing architectural design and that was that—he gave in. Then Estelle bought us a car after she declared Sean needed a safe car to be driven around in. Luke always refused money off her, but she was always bringing clothes and gifts over for Sean. And by doing that she always reminded me that she was better than me because I couldn’t give my son those things. It made me feel like shit and it caused a lot of fights between me and Luke.”
I can imagine Estelle doing everything Jolene has just described. It’s funny, though, how we interpret people’s actions. If it were my child she was gifting items to, I’d happily accept them. They say actions speak louder than words, but sometimes we hear the wrong things.
I don’t say anything. Rather, I just wait for her to continue.
“Eventually, Luke stopped caring and stopped standing up for me to his mother. I fought back—I tried everything to get his attention from arguing with him to ignoring him. When I stopped having sex with him, he didn’t even care. He simply came to bed, kissed me goodnight and rolled away from me.” She blinks and a tear rolls down her cheek. “Do you know how that feels, Callie? To have the man you love so much you think you’ll die if he leaves you, roll to the other side of the bed night after night? To not have his support where his mother is concerned? To know he’d rather go to work than try and fix the problems between you?”
Oh, God.
My heart is completely breaking for the wife of the man I love. For Luke, too. So many misunderstandings and so many lost opportunities to make it right. And look where they are now. He’s in a world of hurt, fighting desperately to figure out how to heal his wounds. And she’s so completely destroyed that I don’t know how she’ll even begin to find herself again.
“I’m so sorry, Jolene. I know that means very little, but I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through.”
She continues to hug herself and stare at me. “When I came here, he was amazing. He did everything to help me and I thought we had another chance if I ever got out. I filled the hours imagining the fresh start we would have and the family we could build. I promised myself I’d do better. And I believed Luke was committed to our marriage because the one thing I knew for sure was that he truly wanted a family that stayed together. He wanted Sean to have both of us together so he felt the security Luke and I never did growing up. But whoever set me up has ruined all that now.”
I shift in my seat, desperate to talk about the murder because we’re running out of time. That and I’m not sure I can sit through much more of Luke’s marriage today. “Who do you think set you up?”
“Glenda is the only person I think would do it. She hated Mum more than I did and she never loved me. She killed two birds with one stone.”
“Yeah, I’ve got her on my list.”
“Have you met her?”
I nod. “She doesn’t like me.”
Jolene relaxes her arms by her side and I sense we’ve taken a tentative step back towards some semblance of trust. I’m not fooling myself, though. I don’t think Jolene will ever trust someone easily again. “Glenda doesn’t like anyone.”
I raise a brow. “She seems to really like Luke. Anything there?”
“Well, except for Luke and Sean. She loves them, but I don’t think she likes Luke in that way. Glenda usually goes for weak men she can control and Luke definitely does not fit that bill.”
She’s right there.
“Okay, so I’ll direct my efforts into looking into Glenda then.” I’ve already started this but I’ll step it up now.
Time’s up and
Jolene stands. “I’ve spent the last few days hating you, but as much as I want to keep doing that, I’m finding it hard.” She doesn’t give me time to respond before turning and walking away.
I know how she feels because I feel the same way. Not that I hated her; I simply never imagined understanding how she got to this point in her life.
35
Callie
“I feel like James Bond or something.”
I eye Avery and shake my head at her before diverting my attention back to the road. We’re on our way to the motel to try to talk with Louise again.
“What? You don’t feel a little detective-y or like a spy?”
“I feel frustrated that this investigation is going nowhere.” I park the car and exit it, meeting her on the other side. “It’s been weeks and I’m no closer to figuring anything out.”
She cocks her head and frowns. “How are you doing, really? It’s been two weeks since the break-up and I’ve been a bad friend this past week. Are you still consuming mass quantities of cheese and Harvey?”
I laugh. “What makes you think I’ve been consuming mass quantities of Harvey?”
“Suits is your go-to TV show when you’re depressed and I know it’s only for Harvey.”
“For your information, I’m weaning myself off the cheese but I’m reserving the right not to give up Harvey yet.”
“Well, there’s always Harvey rehab if this gets out of hand.”
“And what is Harvey rehab?”
Her eyes twinkle. “It involves copious amounts of alcohol, dancing and hot guys.”
I can’t even imagine checking out another man let alone dancing with one.
“I think I’ll stick with Harvey for a while, A.”
She gives me a sad smile and nods. “Yeah, I know,” she says softly. Then she jerks her chin at the motel. “Let’s do this so we can move onto the best part of today.”
I promised her we’d head to a bar after this for drinks and a catch up. I just hope it doesn’t descend into a night of talking about Luke. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since that Tuesday night and with each passing day, it’s only getting harder, not easier.