by Levine, Nina
He’d told me he wasn’t done.
He’d come back to the hotel.
And while his anger was a living, breathing thing, he hadn’t told me to leave or given me any indication he intended to leave.
Ten minutes of back-and-forth inner conflict felt like the longest ten minutes of my life. When I heard him turn the shower off, I was done with waiting. I couldn’t keep myself from him another second.
I opened the bathroom door and with my heart beating faster than it ever had, I took the step to bring me closer to him.
“Birdie,” he cautioned, issuing a warning I refused to acknowledge.
“Winter, we need to talk.”
He stood in front of the mirror, steam filling the air, but not so much that I couldn’t see him watching me. His masculine energy blazed between us with such ferocity I faltered. Maybe I should have given him more time. Waited for him to come to me. But I’d made this choice, so I stuck with it and hoped it would help move us forward.
When his face twisted with anger, I flinched, but I didn’t leave. I needed to let him experience that anger and I needed to take it all. Our relationship wouldn’t survive if he didn’t feel it all and let it all out.
Gripping the edge of the vanity with both hands, he glued his eyes to mine in the mirror. “What do you want to talk about first? The fact you took matters into your own hands? The fact you lost a baby I didn’t even know we’d made? The fact you lost the ability to have children? The fact you walked away from me without giving me the chance to tell you I’d live with your choice and still love you? Or the fact we wasted five fucking years?”
When I didn’t respond except to recoil at his fury, he smacked his hands down on the vanity and threw out, “Yeah, I don’t want to talk about any of that either.” With that, he stalked out of the bathroom.
My body trembled at the intensity of his emotions and as much as I didn’t want to follow him, I’d started this and I had to see it through. I waited a minute and took some long, deep breaths before joining him in the room.
He’d dressed in jeans and a clean black T-shirt, and was putting his boots back on. I knew he heard me enter, because how could he not, but he didn’t look at me or speak to me. He simply continued lacing his boots.
Ignoring the fact he appeared to be leaving, I said, “We can start at the beginning. Discuss why I felt it necessary to do what I did.” I sounded a lot more confident than I felt. On the inside, I was shaking more than I was on the outside.
Winter’s head snapped up. “Nothing necessitates a woman getting herself pregnant without first discussing it with her partner. But hell, if you wanna start there, knock yourself out.”
I swallowed hard. This was a side of Winter I hadn’t seen much of. He scared me a little when he was like this. “You’re right. I should not have done what I did. I own that and I’ll regret that decision for the rest of my life.”
“I’ll regret that decision for the rest of my life, too.” His tone was pure ice.
“I needed you here, Winter. We needed you here. I didn’t think we’d survive if you went back to Afghanistan. But I also didn’t think you’d be the one to figure that out.”
He stood and came my way, almost towering over me he came so close. His features were tormented, his nostrils flaring as he demanded, “Why didn’t you tell me you thought we were failing? And that you needed me here. If I’d known, I—”
My own anger burst to life, and unable to control it, I lashed out at what he’d said, “I did tell you! Over and over, I told you how much I was struggling and how much it was affecting us, but you either didn’t hear me or didn’t want to hear me.”
“I heard you, Birdie, but fuck, I was needed in Afghanistan. And I did eventually leave to come home to you. I chose you. But when I got home, you’d already checked out.”
“And that right there was the main problem we had, Winter. You always thought everyone else needed you more than I did. When you came home each time, you weren’t really here with me. Your mind wasn’t—”
“Jesus, my mind was screwed up over that fucking war. I was doing my best to give you what I thought you needed.”
My soul screamed with pain at his words, because deep down, I knew he was being honest. That fucking war had screwed him up, and he did do his best to be here for me, but he could never give me what I needed while his mind was so messed up. Hell, he couldn’t even give himself what he needed. War had screwed us both up, and five years later, we were still picking up the pieces, trying to bandage ourselves back together.
I stopped arguing and took a deep breath. Nodding, I said, “I know you were.”
While I tried to calm my anger, Winter was too far gone to contain his. “So you figured throwing a baby into the mix would solve all that?” His tone was mean. Hurtful. But then, he was hurt and this was his way of expressing that.
“I hoped it would.” My voice broke as my emotions strangled me. “I was a mess back then. Confused about us, about our future, about your job. And I made a bad decision that I wish I could take back.”
His eyes were so hard I felt like he could drill his anger into me with them. “Yeah, you did. But the thing you did that I regret the most was that you left without telling me. I spent months trying to get to the bottom of that, and not once did you even come close to giving me the truth. I would have listened, Birdie. Would have worked through it with you. Instead, we lost all this time together.” He raked his fingers through his hair and shook his head. “Fuck!”
Before I had a chance to say anything more, he reached for his wallet and shoved it into his pocket.
When he swiped the room key off the table, I said, “Where are you going?”
“Out.”
“Winter, you’ve already been drinking and you’ve already gotten into a fight. I don’t think—”
His furious gaze landed on me again. “Don’t wait up for me.”
He was gone in a gush of wild energy, and I was left staring after him, questioning whether we had any chance at salvaging this wreck I’d made.
22
Winter
* * *
Whisky and me were old friends, but tonight, I should have eased up on that friendship. Fuck knew how much I’d had to drink, but it was enough to mess with my thinking, so I stayed away from Birdie as long as I could. I didn’t want to discuss anything in this state, and I was fairly certain she’d want to talk if she was still awake when I got back.
By 3:00 a.m. I’d spent hours going over everything she’d told me, trying to get a handle on it. Trying to shift the weight of anger and disappointment crushing me. I hadn’t succeeded, but as I entered our hotel room and laid eyes on her, my chest tightened with love. It always did when I saw her. It wouldn’t matter what she did, that love would never disappear. That was what I clung to, because even with everything going on between us, there was nothing I wanted more than a future with this woman. I just didn’t know how to move us past where we were.
She rolled over, the sliver of light from outside casting a glow over her face as she sat up in the bed. “I was worried about you.”
Even in my drunken state, I experienced a twinge of guilt. It hadn’t been my intent to stay out late and worry her. However, I didn’t have it in me to get into that. After everything with her and Max, I was exhausted.
Pulling my T-shirt over my head, I said, “Go back to sleep.”
“Winter—” she started, but I cut her off.
“Birdie, I’m tired and I’ve had too much to drink to do this again now. Go back to sleep.”
Pulling her knees up against her chest, she wrapped her arms around her legs. “I haven’t been asleep. I’ve spent all night wondering where you were and whether you were okay or whether you were out there getting yourself into trouble again.”
I sat on the bed and removed my boots. When they were off, I rested my elbows on my knees and dropped my head, wishing like fuck she was asleep. Wishing we didn’t have to talk right
now.
Birdie placed her hand on my back. “Winter, please.” Her voice cracked. “Don’t shut me out.”
“Fuck, I’m not trying to shut you out.” I pushed up off the bed and faced her as I reached for my belt. The pain on her face hit me in the gut. We were both fucking hurting here. “What I’m trying to do is not say something I’ll regret later.”
“Maybe you should say it,” she said softly. “Maybe it’s what you need. I’m not going anywhere, regardless of what you say.”
“Aren’t you?”
My question came out a harsh demand that Birdie took without argument, and when she said, “I deserve that, and no, I’m not leaving. Not this time,” I felt like a bastard. This wasn’t a fight I wanted, and I wasn’t saying stuff to her because I thought she deserved it. Fuck, I loved her; I didn’t seek to destroy with my words. But somehow, I had to get myself out from under all this anger and hurt without doing just that.
I stripped down to my boxer briefs and got into bed. “We’ll talk when we wake up.”
She didn’t lie back down. Instead, she left the bed and walked to the bathroom. I tracked her movements, unable to take my eyes off her. The intense anger I’d felt when I returned to the hotel earlier had shifted to the kind I could ride rather than unleash. I’d been that furious with her before, I’d struggled to look at her, but now I could. And I couldn’t help but see everything I wanted with her. A life together. Growing old with her. A family if we could make that happen. But still, getting into all this now would be a mistake, so I stayed where I was.
Ten minutes passed without her returning to the bed and my natural instinct to take care of her kicked in. I made my way to the closed door between us and knocked. “Birdie.”
Her muffled voice sounded but I couldn’t make out what she said. “Open the door,” I said.
“Go back to bed, Winter. I’m going to have a shower.”
I knew by the way she stuttered and the faint sound of sniffles that she was crying. Raking my fingers through my hair, I warred with myself over whether to leave her alone or push her to open this door. In the end, my father’s example of how to handle conflict in a relationship led the way and I said more forcefully, “I might be angry about everything you’ve told me, Angel, and I might not want to talk about it right now, but I need to know you’re okay. Let me in so I can see that for myself.” I knew her own pain over losing our baby and the ability to fall pregnant naturally must have been hitting her hard.
It took her another minute or so but she finally opened the door. I ran my gaze over her red, blotchy face and tear-filled eyes as she said, “I’m okay.”
Fuck, how did we get here? She was far from okay, and I was far from being able to help her. I wanted to reach out, pull her into my arms, and tell her we would get through this, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. My arms were heavy weights by my side, controlled by the shit going on in my head. How the hell that shit had more control than my love for her, I didn’t know. But the truth of the matter was it did. I allowed it to.
We stood watching each other in silence until she quietly closed the door, putting that barrier between us again. When I heard the shower turn on, I sat on the edge of the bed and blew out a long breath. “Fuck,” I muttered, wondering how long it would be until I was able to let these feelings go and begin working through everything with Birdie. I fucking hoped it was soon, because where we were now felt like shit, and we had far too much history to be going backwards. I hadn’t thought I’d ever allow anything to come between us like this.
Turned out I was wrong.
23
Birdie
* * *
The first thing I saw when I woke just after 8:00 a.m. was Winter’s back disappearing into the bathroom and the door closing behind him. The sound of the shower running a moment later let me know he didn’t intend to come back to bed.
Sitting up, I wiped the tears that leaked from my eyes as I let that sink in. In all the fights we’d had, not once had Winter pulled away from me like he was now. Leaving the bed without touching me wasn’t something he’d ever done. Just like sleeping on his side of the bed, facing away from me wasn’t something I’d had to live through either. Even at his angriest with me, he’d kept me close. This chill between us made me doubt we’d survive this.
Pushing the bed covers off, I went in search of painkillers to help ease the headache I’d woken with. Lack of sleep never did me any favours. Neither did a lack of routine. I was used to going to bed early and getting up for a run before 5:00 a.m. Two days without any of that and I was paying the price.
I rummaged in my handbag and located some Advil. After washing two pills down with water, I made a coffee and was taking my first sip when the bathroom door opened and Winter appeared in the doorway. The towel wrapped around his waist was all he wore.
My body instinctively reacted to his; it always did, regardless of whatever issues sat between us. I knew his reacted the same to mine, and today was no different. His eyes ran over my body, his nostrils flared, and when his eyes met mine, the heat in them was unmistakable. But instead of coming to me, he cut across the room to his bag. I watched in silence as the towel dropped from his waist and he dressed.
Every second of this silence between us slowly killed me.
I drank some more coffee, willing it to help alleviate my headache, before saying, “Are you going out?” He’d said we’d talk this morning, but it didn’t look like he was about to engage in conversation.
Turning as he finished sliding his T-shirt into place, he nodded. “Yeah, I need to spend some time at Dad’s place today. We need to get it ready to rent.”
I kept my gaze glued to him as he moved to his side of the bed and sat to put his boots on. With one last gulp of coffee, I broached the subject he avoided. “How long are you going to not talk to me about what I did?”
He stilled for a moment as he laced his boots, but then went right back to what he was doing, not answering my question. When he was done, he looked up and gave me his raw honesty that I always cherished. I’d never met a man like Winter. One who didn’t fuck me around, but who just opened his heart and gave me the contents without all the bullshit. “I don’t know.” He exhaled. “I honestly don’t fucking know.”
My heart constricted at the heartache I heard in his words, and I fought the tears forming. I hated this distance between us, but what I hated more was seeing Winter hurt like this.
Nodding, I madly blinked back my tears, willing them not to fall until he’d left. “Okay.”
He stood, watching me. I waited for him to leave, but he didn’t. He came to me instead. “I love you, Angel, but I’m fucking mad with you, and until I get that shit under control, I need some space.”
I swallowed hard. “I know, but I’m worried you’ve got so much to deal with at the moment…. Your dad, your brother, Melissa, me…. If you need to talk about any of that, I’m here. We can put our stuff on hold if you just need to get other stuff out.” God how I wished I hadn’t dumped this on him while he had everything else to deal with.
He watched me for another agonisingly silent minute before saying, “I should be back before dinner. If not, I’ll let you know.” With that, he grabbed his phone and wallet, and exited the room.
I let out the breath I’d been holding and the tears I’d been forcing back, and collapsed onto the bed, my heart in pieces and my hope clinging for life. He might have told me he loved me, but was love ever enough? I wasn’t so sure it was, but I’d hold out all the hope in the world that it would be for us.
Hours passed in which I went for a long run, showered, ate, and attempted to watch some TV. I failed at the TV watching because my mind wouldn’t switch off from worrying over Winter. Just after lunchtime, I decided I needed to get out of the hotel room. I felt trapped in there. I didn’t care if I spent the entire afternoon walking around the city; I couldn’t spend another second cooped up.
When I stepped inside the lift to go down
to the lobby, the woman standing at the back of it smiled apologetically and said, “I’m sorry in advance. My boys have far too much energy today and seem to have lost their manners and their ability to follow rules.”
I smiled as I took in the tired lines on her face. She looked like she hadn’t slept for a week. Her two sons, on the other hand, bubbled with energy as they clowned around in the lift. They were little, though, so I wasn’t too concerned they’d cause any problems.
“It’s okay,” I said, “Let them have fun.”
Her relief was evident as the tension in her shoulders eased. “Thank you. Some people seem incapable of understanding that children just want to have fun. It’s like some of us have lost that zest for life in the time we grew from childhood to adulthood.” She paused briefly before asking, “Do you have kids?”
Oh God, why today? Out of all the days, why do I have to answer this question today?
I quickly shook my head. “No.”
One of the boys stepped on my foot as his brother jostled him. He glanced up at me with genuine apology. “Sorry.”
I gave him a smile, but before I could say anything, his mother chastised him. The lift reached our destination and the doors opened, and we all filed out. I was grateful for an end to any further conversation with the woman. However, the universe wasn’t done with me yet.
As she took both their hands, she looked over at me. “Raising kids is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but people like you make it that bit easier. Sometimes it’s just that one little thing someone says that can turn my day around. Thank you. And if you ever have kids, I hope you’re surrounded by people just like you.”
My heart squeezed so hard I thought it might actually stop beating. I needed to sit. I was going to cry like a fucking baby right here in this hotel lobby with what felt like a million sets of eyes on me.