by Levine, Nina
Grabbing the bottle of whisky, I filled our glasses again and lifted mine. “To your happiness.”
He raised his glass and took a sip before saying, “I don’t want any fights between you and Mel tomorrow. Do you think you can manage that?”
I nodded, but before I had a chance to reply, Birdie’s voice sounded from the hall. “Hey, you two.”
Max stood. “Hey, Birdie.”
She embraced him before locking eyes on me. She didn’t speak, but everything from her body language, to her expression, to the look in her eyes was one big question. Are you still shutting me out?
Max broke the silence. “I’ve gotta call Mel.”
Birdie and I continued to watch each other as he left, barely registering his exit.
“Why are you here?” I asked, trying like hell to ignore the anger forcing its way up. I wasn’t ready for whatever conversation she wanted to have. Fuck, I wasn’t even sure I’d planned on returning to the hotel tonight. I’d told her this morning I’d be back, but after the day I’d had, I figured a bottle of whisky and crashing where I sat was how I’d likely spend the night.
My four words crushed her. The ache was right there in her eyes. In the twist of her beautiful features. In her sagging shoulders.
“I bought you some dinner,” she said warily, as if she was afraid of my response. Holding up a bag of what looked like Chinese takeout, she quickly added, “It’s a little cold now; I’ll heat it up for you.”
As she spun around to head into the kitchen, I said, “Leave it, Birdie. I’ll eat it later.”
Faltering, she stopped and turned back to me, pain slicing across her face. “Okay.” An agonising moment of silence filled the space before she continued. “I’ll put it in the kitchen.”
I let her go this time.
Fuck.
I forced out an angry breath.
Fucking hell.
I didn’t like being in this place with Birdie, and yet I was stuck. Unable to dislodge the emotions choking me.
She returned a minute later, hesitation written all over her. “You’ve packed up the house.” It was a statement, but I heard the question in there too. She appeared confused by the fact.
I emptied my glass and stood. “Yeah.” I didn’t acknowledge her confusion.
Tilting her head to the side, she pulled her brows in as she said, “That was fast.”
“Max wanted everything packed up and moved into storage so we can rent the place out as soon as possible.”
“I get that, but it’s only been three days, Winter. Don’t you want time to go through your Dad’s stuff and—”
“There are a lot of things I want, Birdie, that I can’t have,” I ground out. “Time with my dad’s belongings isn’t one of them.”
She recoiled like I’d slapped her, but it didn’t stop her from forcing the conversation between us. “I know you said you needed space, but I think that’s the last thing we need. I think—”
I tried to push my anger away. I tried like hell, but it circled and refused to dissipate, until finally it caused me to snap and unleash a holy hell of ugly emotions. “At this point, I don’t really care what you think, Birdie, because when it fucking mattered, you didn’t think about what we needed; you only thought about what you needed.” I jabbed a finger to my chest. “What I needed five years ago was the truth and a woman who refused to walk out when the shit hit the fan. And what I need right now is exactly what I told you this morning, some space. Do you think you can fucking give it to me?”
Her face flushed as her emotions surged. “No, I’m not giving you space. I was going to, but then I realised that this”—she motioned back and forth between us—“is what we need. You need to let all your anger out. Yell at me. Throw your hurt at me. But don’t you dare shut down on me, because then we get nowhere.”
“Fuck!” My eyes bored into hers. The fury I felt was on a level I’d never experienced with Birdie. It was wild. Ferocious. It was ripping me apart from the inside. I wanted to tear it from my chest and never fucking feel it again. And yet, I was doing the complete opposite; I was allowing it to consume every fucking inch of me.
“Winter—”
I took a step towards her. “Tell me why, Birdie,” I demanded, not recognising my own voice or the snarl in it. “Tell me why the fuck you threw it all away. We had ten fucking years behind us; why would you think the truth could wipe that history out?”
She swallowed hard. “I couldn’t take away your chance at having kids. That’s why.”
“Not good enough,” I snapped. “There are other options; IVF, adoption, fostering. Did you consider those?”
“Yes.” Her voice cracked. “I didn’t want my mistake to force you into a corner with fewer options.”
“You didn’t want to fucking tell me what you’d done,” I thundered. “Your guilt broke us up. That’s what it came down to. Ten years thrown away because you didn’t have it in you to admit what you’d done.” I shoved my fingers through my hair. Fuck, I was wild. Livid. I wanted to make her hurt as much as I hurt.
Tears tracked down her cheeks as she nodded. “You’re right, but there was so much more to it. It killed me to think you might never be a father. I—”
“You should have let me worry about that. You should have told me what you did and let me deal with it. Because I fucking would have, Birdie. I would have stayed right by your side and found us a way to have the family we wanted.”
Birdie closed the distance between us, coming too fucking close for my liking. My breaths came hard, fast, and furious as she said, “I know that now. I know I made a huge mistake, Winter.” Her eyes pleaded with me to understand, but I wasn’t in an understanding mood.
I stared at her for a long, dark moment in which I wondered again how the fuck I’d ever move past what I was feeling. “Tell me how long it’ll be until you run again. Tell me how long you plan to stay this time.”
My words didn’t just crush her this time; they fucking slayed her. She scrunched a handful of my shirt, torment carved into her face. “I’m not leaving you, Winter. I promise you. I’m staying and I’m fighting for us. I love you.”
I worked my jaw, wanting to believe her, but stumbling like fuck over her promise.
When I pulled my phone out, she said, “What are you doing?”
“I’m ordering you an Uber.”
Panic flared in her eyes. Grabbing my face, she pleaded, “Don’t shut down on me. I know you love me. Fight with me and let me fix this!”
I pushed her hands from my face and stepped back from her, every cell in my body hyperaware of the fact that we were too fucking close. She thought we needed that closeness; I knew we needed the complete opposite. “Fuck, Birdie, I am fucking fighting, but trust me, you need to let me do that in my own way. We won’t come back from this if you don’t.”
I stabbed at my phone, ordering an Uber. The sooner I got her out of here, the better. I needed her as far from me as possible. Otherwise, I really would hurl my hurt and anger at her. And she wouldn’t like the ugliness that came out of my mouth.
I met her gaze as I slid my phone back into my pocket. The devastation I saw in her eyes matched the devastation I felt. I never imagined we’d find ourselves in this kind of hell, and I knew, surer than I knew anything, that I would have to dig deeper than I ever had to get us out of here.
25
Birdie
* * *
A change of weather swept in the morning of Winter’s dad’s funeral. Cold wind gusted through the trees, causing temperatures I hadn’t packed the right clothes for, but I barely registered the chill in the air because the chill coming from Winter was ten times worse.
Not that I blamed him, but still, having never experienced it before, my anxiety spiked to high levels. Winter had been angry with me many times while we’d been together, but he’d never told me he needed space. He’d never closed himself off the way he had now. He’d never not come home after a fight. It not only left me uns
ure of how to deal with the situation, it also left me confused as to my place here today. I wanted to support him, but I wasn’t sure if he wanted me anywhere near him. The fact he hadn’t returned to the hotel last night, leaving me to make my own way to the funeral, only caused me to question myself more.
I should not have gone to him last night. I’d known that all day yesterday, but as the hours had ticked by, I’d muddled my thinking to the point where I couldn’t make a good decision if I tried. I’d been desperate to talk to Winter. Desperate to right my wrong. The thing I’d realised this morning after spending the night thinking over everything he’d said to me was that I could never right this wrong. Never. All I could do was give him time and space to come to terms with it. And hope like hell he didn’t choose to walk away.
He was right about my guilt. God, he was right. I’d walked away from our relationship because I truly didn’t want him to suffer the consequences of my mistake, but if I were completely honest with myself, my guilt had played a huge factor in my decision. I also hadn’t been thinking straight. Losing my baby and the ability to fall pregnant naturally had gutted me. Destroyed me, mind, body, and soul. Especially since I hadn’t had the one person I needed to help me deal with that devastation by my side. None of any of that made for clear-thinking decisions.
“Birdie.”
I turned at the sound of Max’s voice and found him coming towards me. I’d arrived at the crematorium fifteen minutes ago, which was an hour early for the funeral. I hadn’t been able to sit in the hotel room a minute longer, and Winter hadn’t responded to my text asking him if he was coming back before the funeral, so I’d called an Uber and come early. It hadn’t been the best idea, though, because the wind had whipped around me for the past fifteen minutes, chilling me to the bone.
Max pulled me into an embrace and then rubbed his hands up and down my arms. “You’re freezing.” Then, glancing behind me, he said, “Where’s Winter?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t seen him or heard from him today.”
He frowned. “I saw him earlier and he was on his way to the hotel to pick you up.”
“I texted to ask him his plans, but he never replied.” My voice wavered as I said, “He didn’t come back to the hotel last night, which I figure you already know. I couldn’t sit alone for another second, so I came here.”
He gave me a knowing look as he shrugged out of his jacket and passed it to me. “Here, take this. I’ll go and check in the car to see if we have a spare coat.” The look in his eyes turned meaningful as he added, “His phone battery is dead. He wouldn’t have received your text, and we both know my brother isn’t the best at picking up the damn phone and telling anyone his plans.”
My breathing slowed as I processed what he said. I’d run so many scenarios through my mind this morning, but not one of them had been this one. That was because I feared the choice he’d make about us once his anger calmed enough for him to think straight. My fear caused me to imagine the worst. I hadn’t stopped and considered his phone might have died.
Today is going to be a long day.
Looking behind him, I said, “Where are Mel and the kids?”
“They’re here. Mel just took the boys to the toilet.” His attention drifted behind me again for a brief moment before he looked at me again. “I won’t be long.” With that, he took off back the way he’d come.
I scanned the area for what felt like the hundredth time, looking for Winter, but he was nowhere to be seen. At least I knew he was on his way. Some of the tension in my body eased knowing that.
After waiting for Max for five minutes, growing more fidgety as I stood looking for Winter, I headed in the direction Max had left. I was thankful for his jacket, but the wind had picked up and the chill was worse, so I was still freezing cold.
As I rounded the corner of the crematorium into the car park, the familiar rumble of a bike sounded. My gaze cut to Winter as he pulled his bike into a park. Unable to do anything but stand and stare at him, I took in his every move, not missing the moment he laid eyes on me.
My tummy fluttered with nervousness while those same nerves raced across my skin.
Should I go to him?
Or wait here?
I took a step in his direction but instantly halted.
He wants space.
But he needs me today.
Does he really?
He told you what he needs is space.
Give the man what he asked for. Let him come to you.
“Oh God,” I muttered, running my fingers through my hair like I always did when I was nervous. I didn’t know what to do and this not knowing was doing my head in.
Winter walked my way, his body tall, his shoulders pushed back, his masculine energy blazing like it always did as he took purposeful strides. He wore black from head to toe. Black boots. Black jeans. Black button-down shirt. Black leather jacket. Black sunglasses that hid his eyes from me.
I stood absolutely still and waited for him to reach me, my entire body a knotted mess of anxiety.
Before he’d even come to a stop in front of me, he shrugged out of his jacket. When he reached me, he held it out. “Put this on.”
The gravel in his voice did what it always did even though today was not the day for it. I pushed the need I had for him aside and said, “Max has gone to look for a coat for me.”
He continued to hold his jacket out for me. “Whatever he finds won’t be warm enough.”
“Winter, it’s cold. You need—”
He worked his jaw. “Take the jacket, Birdie.”
His tone left no room for argument, so I took his jacket with a soft, “Thank you,” and put it on. He stood silently watching me. I couldn’t see his eyes, but I had the feeling he watched me like I was all he saw.
“Matt,” Max said from behind me, breaking the moment between Winter and me.
Winter lifted his chin at his brother, but didn’t say anything, his attention coming straight back to me.
I passed Max’s coat to him as he took in Winter’s jacket I wore. He had no spare coat with him, but he didn’t mention it. Max knew his brother well; he knew I was taken care of.
Looking at Winter, Max said, “The funeral director is waiting for us. There’s something he needs to go over again.”
Winter gave a quick nod, still watching me. My feet felt like they weighed a tonne and I couldn’t lift them. I didn’t know whether to go with Winter or not.
As Max left us, Winter said, “I’ll meet you inside.”
I gulped down my uncertainty and nodded. “Okay.”
He watched me for another moment and then took off after Max.
I stared after him for a long time, until I couldn’t see him any longer. But while I couldn’t see him, I could feel him. Everywhere. Last night it was like he didn’t want to even look at me; this morning, he seemed to not want to take his eyes off me. And he didn’t have to put a hand on me to touch me; his presence alone marked me.
I took my time gathering myself and then I made my way into the chapel, slipping into a seat in the second row, behind where Melissa and the two boys sat. Winter would probably want to sit in the front row with Max, but I’d wait and see, and move with him if he made that choice. For now, I needed to be by myself and focus.
Funerals weren’t my thing. Not at all. They made me think of my father, and while he’d died a long time ago, grief had no timeline. Sometimes the memories were so strong it felt like he’d died just yesterday.
The chapel filled up slowly. By the time Max took a seat next to Melissa in front of me, there was only standing room in the back. Winter’s father had been a respected member of the community, and I hadn’t expected anything less.
I glanced around to look for Winter, figuring he wouldn’t be far behind his brother. His eyes met mine as I turned. He’d removed his sunglasses and I now saw the intensity with which he watched me. Gone was the fury he’d burned with last night, and in its place was a fierceness I was uns
ure of.
He stopped at the second row and motioned towards the first row, indicating he wanted me there with him. When I stood, bringing my face close to his, I saw the grief in his eyes too.
My heart cracked for my strong man and as I exited the row and he placed his hand to the small of my back to guide me into the first row of pews, that crack grew.
Never again would I lie to him or keep secrets from him. Winter deserved more than that.
I sat next to Max who looked up at Winter and then back at me with a smile. Taking my hand, he squeezed it before letting it go again and directing his attention back to his family.
Winter sat next to me, his muscular body only just fitting in the space he had. In an effort to make more room for him, I attempted to squish myself closer to Max. Winter had other ideas, though; his hand landed on my leg and he gripped me, letting me know to stay put.
My gaze shot to his, confused as to his change of heart from last night.
Looking at me, he said gruffly, “I need you, Angel.”
Those four words meant the world to me. They also killed me. Winter wasn’t the kind of man to ask for help. That he had, showed me his struggle.
Nodding, I said softly, “I’m not going anywhere.”
His eyes searched mine for a beat and then he looked straight ahead.
We sat in silence for the five minutes before the funeral started. I did my best to avoid looking at the casket or the large photo of Winter’s dad that had been printed on a canvas and displayed on a large easel to the right of us. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to look; I wanted to stay strong for Winter, and I knew if I looked at his father’s photo, I would break down.
Winter’s body tensed more than it already was when the minister started talking. The next half hour would feel like the longest half hour of his life. I knew that from experience.